The Art of Jaywalking

People and animals the world over have been doing it since the Romans first came up with decent roads. Yes, that's right: Jaywalking. Why, even dinosaurs did it while migrating across Pangea (especially the diplodocus, he had no respect). However, as risky as it can be, it doesn't seem to be going away. In fact, I'd say it's a rather celebrated past time. Perhaps not quite as celebrated as baseball in America, but more so than the birthday of a family's middle child. Some people are better than others, (as evidenced by the unfortunately high amount of pedestrian casualties), and some animals are better than people. Therefore, there is even another tier within the jaywalking clique that is even more exclusive. It is reserved entirely for giraffes.

Enjoy the art of jaywalking:

No officer, I do not drink and drive.

A free tattoo? Sweet.

Egret, please show some common decency. This is not a marsh. Cross the road in the designated area.

INSOLENT CAMEL! No jaywalking, or strutting, or whatever it is you do.

Why don't you write a song about it.

You just couldn't wait could you? Over eager maybe?

Giraffe, how dare you! I told you to go to the giraffe X-ing.

Oh, now I'm convinced.

Ok man, this time you've gone too far.

I hear this little jaywalking  incident didn't go over so well. You've gotta pick your moments.

Seriously giraffe?! You're out of control.

What?! Cross-dressing man nun jaywalker?

Cardboard. Coming to a Grocery Store Near You

Apparently there is some massive subculture out there that advocates eating cardboard. I only discovered this today as I searched for random pictures that would hopefully incite riots of bewilderment. Here is a link to a website that sells shirts promoting the consumption of cardboard. I guess, in a nonsensical way, it makes sense. I mean, it's better that we eat cardboard than it eat us.

These people have already been consumed by cardboard. Don't let it happen to you or someone you love.

This could be your cardboard overlord.

Eat him before it's too late.

As it turns out, eating cardboard is also better for the environment. You produce less harmful bi-products, and don't have to worry about eating lots of other stuff. It thereby reduces farm costs (to zero), eliminating the need for irrigation (saving water), and allowing all livestock to roam free. It then frees up farmers to make more cardboard. Yay! And if that weren't enough, you will shed those extra pounds in no time. Dreams really do come true. With cardboard.

Flappy is the mascot of the cardboard council. He teaches children to eat more cardboard.

Toothpicks Saved My Mouth

Aha moments are great. For instance, have you ever been reading a ton of articles online, or been tweeting on your PDA phone, then switched for a older ancestor on paper and then all of the sudden realized, "What are these strange things called books...I like them," or "Shoot I never knew I could read this stuff in a printed newspaper!"?

Well a similar thing has happened to me recently. I brush and floss regularly. Some of you might be happy to hear that. Well, for as much as I brush and floss there always seems to be a little spot or two of tarter I cannot get a handle on. I had tried everything. From several different varieties of floss, toothpaste, and toothbrushes, to alien dentists and jackhammers. Well, none of those strategies worked. So as I was leaving a restaurant in Georgetown, I asked the waitress for some wet naps and toothpicks. They didn't have wet naps so she heated up a napkin for me (not unlike hot towels on airlines when you are flying first class, which I haven't yet). But it was the toothpicks that were the revelation. When I tried to get the tarter off... VOILA! Turns out a mint flavored splinter took care of business in no time. Well, now I'm going to make sure toothpicks are a staple with my other dental hygiene products.

And now, cool toothpick sculptures:

yeah.

Too much time on your hands. Get a life.

Awesome!

Toothpicks. Who knew? 

PS - Shut up if you knew. It was rhetorical.

Who can say no to a product packaged with green lips called hotlix?

Writing with My Left Hand

Well, it's true. As promised, I am typing this entire post with only my left hand. I suppose it just makes it more interesting (read 'more of a hassle') for me to do it, and really makes no difference to you, given that there is no noticeable difference to you the reader. However, the probability of anyone caring that I do this is low. But then again, the probability that I care about that probability is zero. That is why I generally don't listen to anything said by a person speaking to me who says, "The probability of...happening is..." because I just don't care.

Here are some pictures:

I will karate chop you!

Silly hat, dogs are for kids.

Of course, the bathroom design hat! Why didn't I think of that?

That's how we do it Mr. Cleese.

This rabbit is Scottish.

Ha. So true.

The Void

This is blog post is a creative experiment. I figure if artists can break a urinal off a wall and call it art, then I can call this blog post the void. And by that I mean I will write nothing after this sentence (except after the artwork ends):

Wow. How breathtakingly fulfilling. I've discovered the meaning of life. I hope you feel enlightened. I'll tell you one thing. Picasso, Monet, and Rembrandt never came close to doing what I just did. Well, actually, Rembrandt kinda did with his sketches...

You could call that void a representation of the nothingness left in the wake of liberationist ideology (which ends up in a spiral of relativism). Freedom for the sake of freedom is nothing. There needs to be purpose, meaning, value, substance. Or, we could call the void the endlessness of space within finite confines (which is true in a sense). If you kept dividing the space by two you would never run out of space. Or, let's say the void is your brain on drugs. 

I'm so creative and artistic and good for kids.

Indulge in Good Food

I'm a curious person. I always have been. And, my curiosity has led me to believe that certain things are just not fair, right, or sensical. A prime example is good tasting food. Generally speaking (and health nuts will dispute this), good tasting food is often very bad for you. Why is that? It's because it usually is loaded with fats, sugar, and tastiness. 

But why is tastiness a bad thing? Why not have a little fat and sugar? I mean, I'm not going to gorge myself in danishes and pudding all day and then top it off with 8 buckets of Kentucky Fried Chicken, but I can have some good tasting food every now and then right? I mean, sure celery and carrots can keep your mouth occupied, but it's like waiting for a bus. You feel like you're wasting your time. There is no satisfaction. And, even when the bus comes, it takes forever to get home. Good food, on the other hand, is like teleportation. Instant satisfaction. Bada Bing. Bada Boom (Trekies are loving this post, and are now thinking of teleporting food directly into their stomachs).

Think of your favorite food. Stop thinking about the calories. Stop thinking about fitting into some ridiculous pair of pants. Just think of that savory goodness on your plate. Mmmmm. It's good. Give in. Give in!*

*I'm sorry if I ruined your New Year's resolution. Most Americans give up after 10 days anyway. Get a new resolution to stop making resolutions and eat good food from now on.

New Wearable Feedbags Let Americans Eat More, Move Less

English Lesson

You might have found out by now that the English language does itself no favors. Some (and by some I mean perhaps even a vast majority) words are exactly what their definition claims there are. Others are the exact opposite. Some, by being what they are, often do so to their own detriment. Here's our first prime example:

ubiq·ui·tous
Pronunciation: \yü-ˈbi-kwə-təs\
Function: adjective
Date: 1830
:existing or being everywhere at the same time : constantly encountered : widespread
Ubiquitous is hardly ubiquitous. You don't find the word running around on fashion designer logos or at your local McDonalds. Ubiquitous keeps to itself and is only rarely dropped in conversation to impress people. Well, I'm unimpressed ubiquitous. You're a waste of syllables (for you Global Warmers out there - ubiquitous leaves a huge syllabic footprint, not unlike the methane footprint left behind by goats).

Then we have another word to show people how smart you are, embarrassing them, and more often than not making you look like a total jerk. Here it is:

es·o·ter·ic
Pronunciation: \ˌe-sə-ˈter-ik, -ˈte-rik\
Function: adjective
Etymology: Late Latin esotericus, from Greek esōterikos, from esōterō, comparative of eisō, esō within, from eis into; akin to Greek en in — more at in
Date: circa 1660

1 a: designed for or understood by the specially initiated alone b: requiring or exhibiting knowledge that is restricted to a small group; broadly : difficult to understand
2 a: limited to a small circle b: private, confidential
3: of special, rare, or unusual interest
Esoteric is what it says it is. Very few of the common people (your average everyday English speaker, of which there are almost 600 million worldwide) know what it means. In fact, usually only college educated people, professors, or people who work for Kaplan will know about it. Good job esoteric. You're an elitist, aristocratic, snotty brat of a word. And, because you are, no one is going to use you to describe anything because you wouldn't help, you'd just make the word you were trying to explain more inexplicable.

Oh English. You are so silly. Stay silly.

Farewell to a great backup writer: Jimbo

Well, I just lost my main backup writer (my bro who went by Jimbo) for this blog for 2 years. He left this morning, and won't have another post on this blog for a long time now. But, he's not dead, he's just going to Siberia. So, that being said, let us dig up some of his work:

The Most Stylish Letter of 2009

Don't Look Down

Bad Milk

Mmmm, mmm...scrumptilitious

Now Hiring

Remember, remember February 14th!

New Release!

The Real Robot Revenge: Part 3

The Real Robot Revenge: Part 2

The Real Robot Revenge: Part 1

Thanks Jimbo. You always did us proud here at the Satire Report. May you come back full of strength, spirit, vitality, complete fluency in Russian, and funnier jokes.

Dasvedanya.

P.S. - He always loved this clip:

Ladies Lifting Weights

I'm sure that most people (aside from Hulk Hogan or Magnus Ver Magnusson from Met-Rx World's Strongest Man Competition) would not find a beefy, muscular woman all that attractive. It's just not something we're accustomed to see that often. It frightens us. It's like seeing a pink poodle mixed with a pit bull and getting some fluffy beast that kills but still gets fashionable haircuts. However, there is an all too common misconception that women tend to have about getting buff and weight lifting.

TOO MANY women believe that if they lift weights they'll turn into the muscle-bound poodle, or some sick Russian gymnast. FALSE. Lifting weights is a great way to stay toned and in shape, regardless of gender. Women very seldom get buff. You have to try really hard to get that way if you are a woman. Furthermore, the typical weight lifting that women should do on a regular basis is toning and strengthening, not body building exercises. What does that mean? It means that instead of lifting a lot of weight with few repetitions and sets, women should lift lighter, more manageable weights with a lot of repetitions and a higher number of sets. It's that simple.

So if I have to hear one more time from a girl at the gym say, "I don't wanna get buff," after I tell them they should lift weights, I'm going to do a lot more than roll my eyes. I'm going to judge her. Right then and there. Judgement. No, I won't condemn her soul, but I will label her in my mind as ignorant and try to enlighten her. Ladies, don't be that girl.

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