The Art of Jaywalking

People and animals the world over have been doing it since the Romans first came up with decent roads. Yes, that's right: Jaywalking. Why, even dinosaurs did it while migrating across Pangea (especially the diplodocus, he had no respect). However, as risky as it can be, it doesn't seem to be going away. In fact, I'd say it's a rather celebrated past time. Perhaps not quite as celebrated as baseball in America, but more so than the birthday of a family's middle child. Some people are better than others, (as evidenced by the unfortunately high amount of pedestrian casualties), and some animals are better than people. Therefore, there is even another tier within the jaywalking clique that is even more exclusive. It is reserved entirely for giraffes.

Enjoy the art of jaywalking:

No officer, I do not drink and drive.

A free tattoo? Sweet.

Egret, please show some common decency. This is not a marsh. Cross the road in the designated area.

INSOLENT CAMEL! No jaywalking, or strutting, or whatever it is you do.

Why don't you write a song about it.

You just couldn't wait could you? Over eager maybe?

Giraffe, how dare you! I told you to go to the giraffe X-ing.

Oh, now I'm convinced.

Ok man, this time you've gone too far.

I hear this little jaywalking  incident didn't go over so well. You've gotta pick your moments.

Seriously giraffe?! You're out of control.

What?! Cross-dressing man nun jaywalker?

Boy Discovers China Digging Hole in Back Yard

At 8:30am this morning in the small town of Gary, Indiana, a boy by the name of Jed discovered a link about which some children have only dreamed. For centuries parents and old weird uncles have been telling little kids that if they dig a deep enough hole in the back yard, they will reach China. Many adults, and even some skeptical children thought this was a mere ploy, that is, until this morning.

As it turns out, Jed managed to reach China after digging approximately 6 1/2 feet down in a spot in his yard in between the bird bath and the sand box.

Geologists, geophysicists, and farmers are baffled. Some astronomers are calling it a worm whole, while others think it's a smaller, more subtle fold in the space-time continuum. Jed's neighbor, Lewis Barnaby, a farmer, and part-time auto mechanic, had this to say:

"I told that boy he shouldn't dig too deep cuz he might snap a cable or hit the septic pipes. Well, thank goodness he missed those. But now I'm glad he dug that hole. I can go to the Beijing Olympics now for free. And, I love Chinese food."

Later Mr. Barnaby was told that the Olympics ended last summer.

Jed on the other hand was more realistic about the benefits of his new hole to China. He and his parents have already made a deal with a rural monastery on the other side of the hole to train him to become a monk.

"I think this a fabulous opportunity for cultural exchange. The town of Gary is going to have a renaissance of sorts. Soon enough you won't be able to count the number of cheap sets of furniture and gallons of tainted toothpaste coming out of that hole. And, I bet just about everyone in town buys one of those Zildjian cymbal hats," said Dr. Lubscrubber, archeologist and comedian from Indiana University.

Read. It's good for you.

All I do is read. 

When I'm done reading, I pick up another book and read. After my reading for classes is done, I read the economist, online articles from Drudge, the London Times, or ESPN (for fun mind you).

Often times, before I go to bed, if my room mate (my brother) is still doing stuff, I pick up another book or article that was sent to me by a friend, or quite often, my grandmother. 

So, what if I were illiterate? My life would be impossible. Meaningless. Futile. My life to this point has largely been defined by what I read, how I read and interpret it, how often I read it, and what I write and speak about in regards to that reading. I'd like to think I'm expanding my mind. Reading is like a drug that opens the mind, activating dank, dark, unknown corners of the cerebrum. And if that's truly the case, my brain is as open as the internet in Amsterdam (as compared to the internet in China). 

I am 100% certain that my future career will only require more reading, so I might as well learn how to overload the system now. Send me your summer reading lists, class book lists, favorite novels, poets, etc. and I will read them and give you 'Cliff's Notes' like synopses free of charge (Don't worry if you're reading selection is dry, I read anything, from boringly elitist ramblings of wanna-be philosophers, to telephone books and encyclopedias).

Olympics moved to moon

So China got the skies clear just in time for the Olympics. Supposedly. After taking half of the normal 3.3 million cars off the road and a little artificial precipitation, they have breathable air (or so they want you to think). The truth is, the IOC has recently agreed to host the Olympics on the moon. Even with all the capital improvements (like that giant bird nest stadium thing), and the demolition of entire swathes of neighborhoods to build random shops and venues in Beijing, the best option has been, and still remains, the moon. And as it turns out, the Chinese have laid claim to it as a former possession (even prior to Taiwan, although they still believe it is made of Cheese and sits on the back of a giant turtle). Apparently they'll even be there before the US returns, so the IOC decided we might as well hold the opening ceremonies there.

French President Sarkozy says, "This is a great decision, I've always wondered what would be the best wine with a moon landing." And I'd have to agree. I've always wanted to see the long jump from outer space, and swimming in near zero g.  I think the IOC has finally got it right for a change.

Chinese moon taken from this blog.

The Painted Veil

Last night, as I sat down to watch 'The Departed,' I came across a trailer that intrigued me. And, I wondered about it. I wondered because I heard little said about it. The movie stars Naomi Watts and Edward Norton. Both actors are terrific, and the plot seemed very well thought out. I won't bother you with the details (of which I know little), but it takes place in rural China (which is a splendidly gorgeous backdrop for any movie I might add), and it involves both Norton and Watts as a married couple. However, only Norton's character married for love. The other does not love him, and in fact, cheats on him. But then he tells her he's taking them to China to face the cholera epidemic. Of course, as you might imagine they must rediscover each other, and she learns to love him. I haven't seen it, but I was intrigued, and curious as to what other people might have heard about it. Here's the site that talks about it. It's out on DVD.

Chicken Extermination Order

So a couple days ago there were marching orders in Hong Kong to kill all the chickens. Apparently they were afraid of the bird flu again, and rather than take any chances, they ordered all the chickens that are typically bought and sold at markets and the like, slaughtered. I mean, sure, they were going to be killed anyway, but now they are being killed and going to waste. When I heard about this I began to wonder. What if there was some deadly disease that threatened to wipe out mankind and the carriers were our favorite flea bags, man's best friend, the dog? Would we, consciously make an extermination order? I mean I know some of you who hate dogs are awaiting the day, but for the rest of us, could we do it?

And, on a similar, albeit entirely different vein, what if a certain section of society had some incurable illness that threatened to decimate the world population? Would we exterminate them? Chances are good that the answer is no, however, there was at one point a leper colony on the island of Molokai in Hawaii, so maybe we'd just isolate them. Maybe we'd build them a fortress of solitude like the one Superman has in the north pole. There are so many possibilities.

I think many of us might cringe about the prospect of such things, but the fact is, chickens are being killed in Hong Kong. An entire population of chickens will be forever erased. It's true that they were all on death row anyway, but what if some of those chickens were innocent? What if some of those chickens were free from bird flu? What if there is a cure, and if we had only invested some time we could have saved the chickens? Save the chickens, save the world. Save the cheerleader, save the world. Sounds eerily familiar.