Saturday, June 13, 2009

The Art of Jaywalking

People and animals the world over have been doing it since the Romans first came up with decent roads. Yes, that's right: Jaywalking. Why, even dinosaurs did it while migrating across Pangea (especially the diplodocus, he had no respect). However, as risky as it can be, it doesn't seem to be going away. In fact, I'd say it's a rather celebrated past time. Perhaps not quite as celebrated as baseball in America, but more so than the birthday of a family's middle child. Some people are better than others, (as evidenced by the unfortunately high amount of pedestrian casualties), and some animals are better than people. Therefore, there is even another tier within the jaywalking clique that is even more exclusive. It is reserved entirely for giraffes.

Enjoy the art of jaywalking:
No officer, I do not drink and drive.

A free tattoo? Sweet.

Egret, please show some common decency. This is not a marsh. Cross the road in the designated area.

INSOLENT CAMEL! No jaywalking, or strutting, or whatever it is you do.

Why don't you write a song about it.

You just couldn't wait could you? Over eager maybe?

Giraffe, how dare you! I told you to go to the giraffe X-ing.

Oh, now I'm convinced.

Ok man, this time you've gone too far.

I hear this little jaywalking  incident didn't go over so well. You've gotta pick your moments.

Seriously giraffe?! You're out of control.

What?! Cross-dressing man nun jaywalker?

Friday, June 12, 2009

Cardboard. Coming to a Grocery Store Near You

Apparently there is some massive subculture out there that advocates eating cardboard. I only discovered this today as I searched for random pictures that would hopefully incite riots of bewilderment. Here is a link to a website that sells shirts promoting the consumption of cardboard. I guess, in a nonsensical way, it makes sense. I mean, it's better that we eat cardboard than it eat us.
These people have already been consumed by cardboard. Don't let it happen to you or someone you love.

This could be your cardboard overlord.

Eat him before it's too late.

As it turns out, eating cardboard is also better for the environment. You produce less harmful bi-products, and don't have to worry about eating lots of other stuff. It thereby reduces farm costs (to zero), eliminating the need for irrigation (saving water), and allowing all livestock to roam free. It then frees up farmers to make more cardboard. Yay! And if that weren't enough, you will shed those extra pounds in no time. Dreams really do come true. With cardboard.

Flappy is the mascot of the cardboard council. He teaches children to eat more cardboard.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Toothpicks Saved My Mouth

Aha moments are great. For instance, have you ever been reading a ton of articles online, or been tweeting on your PDA phone, then switched for a older ancestor on paper and then all of the sudden realized, "What are these strange things called books...I like them," or "Shoot I never knew I could read this stuff in a printed newspaper!"?
Well a similar thing has happened to me recently. I brush and floss regularly. Some of you might be happy to hear that. Well, for as much as I brush and floss there always seems to be a little spot or two of tarter I cannot get a handle on. I had tried everything. From several different varieties of floss, toothpaste, and toothbrushes, to alien dentists and jackhammers. Well, none of those strategies worked. So as I was leaving a restaurant in Georgetown, I asked the waitress for some wet naps and toothpicks. They didn't have wet naps so she heated up a napkin for me (not unlike hot towels on airlines when you are flying first class, which I haven't yet). But it was the toothpicks that were the revelation. When I tried to get the tarter off... VOILA! Turns out a mint flavored splinter took care of business in no time. Well, now I'm going to make sure toothpicks are a staple with my other dental hygiene products.

And now, cool toothpick sculptures:


Too much time on your hands. Get a life.


Toothpicks. Who knew? 

PS - Shut up if you knew. It was rhetorical.
Who can say no to a product packaged with green lips called hotlix?

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Writing with My Left Hand

Well, it's true. As promised, I am typing this entire post with only my left hand. I suppose it just makes it more interesting (read 'more of a hassle') for me to do it, and really makes no difference to you, given that there is no noticeable difference to you the reader. However, the probability of anyone caring that I do this is low. But then again, the probability that I care about that probability is zero. That is why I generally don't listen to anything said by a person speaking to me who says, "The probability of...happening is..." because I just don't care.

Here are some pictures:
I will karate chop you!

Silly hat, dogs are for kids.

Of course, the bathroom design hat! Why didn't I think of that?

That's how we do it Mr. Cleese.

This rabbit is Scottish.

Ha. So true.

Sunday, June 7, 2009

The Void

This is blog post is a creative experiment. I figure if artists can break a urinal off a wall and call it art, then I can call this blog post the void. And by that I mean I will write nothing after this sentence (except after the artwork ends):

Wow. How breathtakingly fulfilling. I've discovered the meaning of life. I hope you feel enlightened. I'll tell you one thing. Picasso, Monet, and Rembrandt never came close to doing what I just did. Well, actually, Rembrandt kinda did with his sketches...

You could call that void a representation of the nothingness left in the wake of liberationist ideology (which ends up in a spiral of relativism). Freedom for the sake of freedom is nothing. There needs to be purpose, meaning, value, substance. Or, we could call the void the endlessness of space within finite confines (which is true in a sense). If you kept dividing the space by two you would never run out of space. Or, let's say the void is your brain on drugs. 

I'm so creative and artistic and good for kids.