English Lesson

You might have found out by now that the English language does itself no favors. Some (and by some I mean perhaps even a vast majority) words are exactly what their definition claims there are. Others are the exact opposite. Some, by being what they are, often do so to their own detriment. Here's our first prime example:

ubiq·ui·tous
Pronunciation: \yü-ˈbi-kwə-təs\
Function: adjective
Date: 1830
:existing or being everywhere at the same time : constantly encountered : widespread
Ubiquitous is hardly ubiquitous. You don't find the word running around on fashion designer logos or at your local McDonalds. Ubiquitous keeps to itself and is only rarely dropped in conversation to impress people. Well, I'm unimpressed ubiquitous. You're a waste of syllables (for you Global Warmers out there - ubiquitous leaves a huge syllabic footprint, not unlike the methane footprint left behind by goats).

Then we have another word to show people how smart you are, embarrassing them, and more often than not making you look like a total jerk. Here it is:

es·o·ter·ic
Pronunciation: \ˌe-sə-ˈter-ik, -ˈte-rik\
Function: adjective
Etymology: Late Latin esotericus, from Greek esōterikos, from esōterō, comparative of eisō, esō within, from eis into; akin to Greek en in — more at in
Date: circa 1660

1 a: designed for or understood by the specially initiated alone b: requiring or exhibiting knowledge that is restricted to a small group; broadly : difficult to understand
2 a: limited to a small circle b: private, confidential
3: of special, rare, or unusual interest
Esoteric is what it says it is. Very few of the common people (your average everyday English speaker, of which there are almost 600 million worldwide) know what it means. In fact, usually only college educated people, professors, or people who work for Kaplan will know about it. Good job esoteric. You're an elitist, aristocratic, snotty brat of a word. And, because you are, no one is going to use you to describe anything because you wouldn't help, you'd just make the word you were trying to explain more inexplicable.

Oh English. You are so silly. Stay silly.

Unflappable

There are a few words in the english language that have a habit of not making much sense. By that I mean, they look, sound, or just seem to mean something entirely different from what they actually turn out to mean. The prime example for today is the word 'unflappable.'

Here's what one might think 'unflappable' means:

1. One who cannot be flapped

2. The opposite of flappable (without flaps)

3. Not origami friendly

But no, unflappable has to mean something seemingly unrelated to its root:

un·flap·pa·ble
Pronunciation: \-ˈfla-pə-bəl\
Function: adjective
Etymology: 1un- + 1flap (state of excitement) + -able
Date: 1954
: marked by assurance and self-control
Of course, unflappability has to do with assurance and self-control. Because everyone knows ducks, geese, and most waterfowl and other winged animals have absolutely no assurance of themselves, much less self-control. But what does that say for Cupid?

Zesty Zestful Zestiness

Many of you, at one time or another, have used or at least seen the word zesty. Well I decided to do an image search for pictures that were in some way associated with zestiness, zest, or the word zesty. The results contained a lot of sauces and food items, but also some more random things. But, just so we're clear, here is the definition of zesty:

zesty
Pronunciation:
\ˈzes-tē\
Function:
adjective
Inflected Form(s):
zest·i·er; zest·i·est
Date:
1868
: having or characterized by zest : appealingly piquant or lively — zest·i·ly \-tə-lē\ adverb

You know it's a good word when it's definition contains the root word. "Having or characterized by zest." Wow. Thanks for telling me absolutely nothing I don't already know. You should be ashamed Merriam-Webster. Or, maybe you're telling us something deeper. Perhaps the best word to explain zesty is zest. It is the hermeneutical circle. You can only know zesty if you know or have zest. I knew it!

Air Jordan Zest. So zesty.

Rotisserie flavor, honeysuckle white, boneless, and zesty? Wow.

Clearly one of the more zesty tree climbers. Or perhaps he climbed up there to retrieve that zesty something from the branch.

Delicious. I love beetroot. And zesty oranges. They read my mind.

These chairs are oozing with zest.

I do have special needs. And zest for men fulfills those needs.

I'm hoping they send me some money after you buy their product. Sing with me now: "You're not fully clean until you're zestfully clean!" 

Yeah, you want to buy a pair. Nike Zest baby.

Naturopathica? Are you serious? 

Oh, I've had these before. Definitely zesty.

This is the Zest band. You know they're good.

This is the world's zestiest snorkeler.

Zest overload. Zestiest kitten ever. He's ready to make a chimichanga with zest.

I don't have the heart to tell him he's not zesty. 

Apparently this car is called the zest. I think the lady driving it would agree.

6 pounds and 11 ounces of cheese zest. The parrot loves it.

What could be better than zesty hot sausage?

Clearly a very zesty goat.

Japanime never disappoints. Keeping it zesty.

Apparently these kids love zest. I know I want to buy some.

Probably the zestiest Scotty Dog I have ever seen:

AMA clinically defines "Goober" term.

There may have been times in your life that someone may have referred to you as a goofball or tripped up on goofballs, or you may have even referred to someone as a goober. The distinction is not subtle, and has been made clearer recently by the American Medical Association:

Here is the new clinical definition for a goofball:

"A goofball is someone who enjoys being silly or ridiculous for comedic effect, or because they are under the influence of some mind-altering substance. Being a goofball is a choice, and quite often a temporary state that either lightens the mood or really perturbs people."

And, here is the new clinical definition for a goober:

"A goober is a person who is socially inept, awkward, goofy, or strange. A goober is born this way and cannot be changed. While what they do and how they interact with people may be funny, it is rarely their intention to be funny. They make themselves the butt of jokes not by choice, but by just being themselves."

This new clarification has now allowed many who for years have defended their gooberishness on the grounds of being a goofball to revert to medication as opposed to justifying their weirdness. Jared Beedenpopper, a notorious goober had this to say:

"People used to just think I was a goofball with limited exposure to me, but once they got to know me they saw that I was a straight-up goober. And now that the AMA has come out saying it's something I can't help, I get a lot of sympathy dates. Not only that, but I now take anti-goober pills."

Jared is not alone. Goobers across the country are finding new support groups and are even lobbying congress to provide more goober awareness at restaurants, shopping malls, biker bars, and even parties. 

"I'm not afraid anymore. I'm a goober and I'm proud of it," said Jerome Cyngall, new friend of Jared, and founder of the goober-goofball alliance or Omaha.

The pro-goober movement is growing. However, not everyone is as sympathetic to their plight. George Rorty, a frequent tripper of goofballs, said he's had enough:

"These goobers are raining on my parade. It used to be cool, and even original to be a goofball. I used to spin on my head while wearing shoes on my hands while whistling yankee doodle. Occasionally I'd cross my eyes, wear a clown suit and picket against nuclear whales. But now no one cares. They think I'm one of them. They think I'm a goober."

The goober versus goofball battle seems to be heating up on some fronts. People who are generally normal, but like to be weird from time to time are fighting for their right to do so against a tide of goobers who are weird by their nature. Who will win? Only time will tell.