Writing with My Left Hand

Well, it's true. As promised, I am typing this entire post with only my left hand. I suppose it just makes it more interesting (read 'more of a hassle') for me to do it, and really makes no difference to you, given that there is no noticeable difference to you the reader. However, the probability of anyone caring that I do this is low. But then again, the probability that I care about that probability is zero. That is why I generally don't listen to anything said by a person speaking to me who says, "The probability of...happening is..." because I just don't care.

Here are some pictures:

I will karate chop you!

Silly hat, dogs are for kids.

Of course, the bathroom design hat! Why didn't I think of that?

That's how we do it Mr. Cleese.

This rabbit is Scottish.

Ha. So true.

Cats suck.

Having recently cleaned up the sun porch where the family cat lives, I have come to the conclusion that I will not buy a cat. The room was full of so much cat dander, cat hair, hidden fur balls, puke, and dead rotting mice carcasses, that I nearly lost my lunch, and at one point or another, my will to live. Who ever said cats are clean is a liar. Sure, maybe they keep themselves clean, but that's it. That is why I will at some point get a dog instead of a cat (probably when I move out of my parents' basement).

This will be my dog:

Awkward Family Photos and Alien Cats

I stumbled across this site and find it more than just mildly entertaining. It is called Awkward Family Photos.com. It's really phenomenally weird and eery, but hilarious at the same time (Sounds like all the things you ever wanted and more right?) Here are some of the photos, and one of the latest from failblog.org:

The finger.

Sporting their pet rabbit and parrot. Why not?

Freakiest birthday cake picture ever taken.

Joe Dirt's family.

Just me and a tiger in some local mall.

Do not get pictures taken at Nina's: Check.

I think I'm going to start "reporting the news" with weird random photos. And, but "reporting the news" I mean making up bald-faced lies that are hysterical, yet poignant and revealing. An example might be the following picture with the caption "Owner discovers pet cat to be alien after giving it a bath":

Bob Rothbart was a simple man, like so many are in this country. But, he had a gentle heart. On March 5, 2004 he saw a little stray kitten eating grass on his lawn. His wife was wary of strays, and said she was allergic, but Bob took the little cat in. His wife Cindy had this to say on March 16, 2009:

"I don't know what he was thinking. That animal was ugly looking. When I saw it for the first time I thought it was a rabid squirrel that had a strange tumor on its face. Bob was so trusting."

Bob named him Lucky. The little kitten Lucky grew and lived like a normal cat for years. However, Bob never did take his little fur ball in to the vet. He didn't know how ironic the name 'Lucky' would turn out to be. On March 17, 2009, Bob was let in on the secret. 

While washing his 1994 Dodge Caravan, Bob sprayed Lucky a little bit. When he realized Lucky enjoyed being sprayed, he took him inside for a bath. That was when he found out. But it was too late. Only seconds after the cat was soaked did Bob recognize the creature before him. His cat was an alien. Not only that, but little gremlins started popping out of its fur. Several of them immediately scampered down the main hall way in his house and promptly sucked out his wife's brains. Bob ran to get his gun and shot Lucky, but was mobbed by the gremlins while making his escape for help. His leg was severed and he received 70 stitches on his shoulder, but Bob made it out.

The neighborhood he lives in was put on quarantine for 7 months by the federal government. Bob lives in an undisclosed location under the witness protection program. 

"If there was one thing I could share with people out there from this experience - don't pick up strays, and listen to your wife. I sure wish I did," said Bob.

One of the Best Speeches Ever Given

This is probably one of the best speeches ever given. It also is very quotable. "Dogs and cats living together...MASS HYSTERIA!" and the oh so memorable, "Yes, it's true, this man has no dick."

Rain Funnies

So it's raining today in Provo, so I decided to share some funny rain pictures, images, etc. I took some of them from ihasahotdog.com and icanhascheezburger.com and the rest I found.

Nice. He's so happy.

Brilliant.

I loved this one.

I always wondered the same thing.

Sad.

Why is it animals are so funny in the rain?

Some cat owner has serious issues.

This could be you jeep owners. Make sure you clearance is as high as your cajones are big.

Is Your Cat a Pirate?

This commercial is classic:

Zesty Zestful Zestiness

Many of you, at one time or another, have used or at least seen the word zesty. Well I decided to do an image search for pictures that were in some way associated with zestiness, zest, or the word zesty. The results contained a lot of sauces and food items, but also some more random things. But, just so we're clear, here is the definition of zesty:

zesty
Pronunciation:
\ˈzes-tē\
Function:
adjective
Inflected Form(s):
zest·i·er; zest·i·est
Date:
1868
: having or characterized by zest : appealingly piquant or lively — zest·i·ly \-tə-lē\ adverb

You know it's a good word when it's definition contains the root word. "Having or characterized by zest." Wow. Thanks for telling me absolutely nothing I don't already know. You should be ashamed Merriam-Webster. Or, maybe you're telling us something deeper. Perhaps the best word to explain zesty is zest. It is the hermeneutical circle. You can only know zesty if you know or have zest. I knew it!

Air Jordan Zest. So zesty.

Rotisserie flavor, honeysuckle white, boneless, and zesty? Wow.

Clearly one of the more zesty tree climbers. Or perhaps he climbed up there to retrieve that zesty something from the branch.

Delicious. I love beetroot. And zesty oranges. They read my mind.

These chairs are oozing with zest.

I do have special needs. And zest for men fulfills those needs.

I'm hoping they send me some money after you buy their product. Sing with me now: "You're not fully clean until you're zestfully clean!" 

Yeah, you want to buy a pair. Nike Zest baby.

Naturopathica? Are you serious? 

Oh, I've had these before. Definitely zesty.

This is the Zest band. You know they're good.

This is the world's zestiest snorkeler.

Zest overload. Zestiest kitten ever. He's ready to make a chimichanga with zest.

I don't have the heart to tell him he's not zesty. 

Apparently this car is called the zest. I think the lady driving it would agree.

6 pounds and 11 ounces of cheese zest. The parrot loves it.

What could be better than zesty hot sausage?

Clearly a very zesty goat.

Japanime never disappoints. Keeping it zesty.

Apparently these kids love zest. I know I want to buy some.

Probably the zestiest Scotty Dog I have ever seen:

Getting into a relationship: Game of Cat and Mouse

I put up a poll a couple days ago about what kind of topics people would like to hear about. Even though I know there are at times hundreds of people reading this blog daily, only four people voted. One person voted for 'random crap,' while two (presumably women) voted for 'relationships', and one voted for 'politics/economics.' No one voted for 'social issues.' But, inevitably through the random crap satire, politics, economics, and relationship topics I will address social issues in one way or another. It's all interconnected. That being said, I'm going to go with the winner of the poll today and talk about relationships. More than specific instances I'm going to talk about how the sexes see different actions, events, and behaviors. I also might wax nostalgic.

Back in the middle ages and throughout the Renaissance, and even through the Romantic 19th century, men wrote poems, sonnets, sang ballads, painted pictures, made sculptures, and went through all sorts of trouble to woo women that today would seem ridiculous if not stalkerish. With the enlightenment, women's movements, and liberal democracy, these traditions of wooing, along with chivalry have in large part been destroyed, or at least become somewhat muted.

Men are however, generally expected to take the initiative. They are the ones who are expected to ask women out. But, while some women claim this as sexist patriarchalism, most women want it. Why? Because it's a risky proposition asking someone out. The man could say no, and it could end up being an embarrassing situation. So, if you are one of those women who asks guys out, don't always expect a "yes." You've put yourself into the traditional man's role, and he, just as you do, has the same right to say, "No."

On that same vein, there is also another silly philosophy that I've noticed most supposedly "nice" women have. That is, to always say "yes" to a first date. While I think it's decent of you that you're willing to give him a chance and be cordial, sometimes you can just tell from the get-go that it's not going to work out. And, there's really nothing wrong with that. You most likely have enough discernment to make an educated decision. Don't play games and lead a guy on, even if it is "just one date," because, quite often it can become two or three, you're not interested in him at all, he is oblivious to your subtle hints, and you don't know how to get off the hook without hurting his feelings. This is where directness is most needed. So that you don't get stuck with some guy you do not care for, and so that he does not end up getting too emotionally invested, all the while wasting his time, heart beats, and money, end it soon. Learn to say "No." It is much more compassionate and humane to nip it in the bud than let it drag on. It's better for everyone. So, in a nutshell, transparency is good. You're not being any nicer trying to let someone down softly. Rip the band-aid off the wound in one fallow swoop. 

The next little bit I'm going to mention is communication. This is the main reason men and women have so much trouble with relationships and interaction. As I said before, directness is key. While some men are great with subtleties, hints, and nuanced speech, most are not. Both sexes see what they want to see, but men even more so. Don't expect a guy to be a mind reader. He probably cannot even read his own mind, much less yours. Be explicit in your communication. If a guy holds your hand, he's being pretty explicit. If you pull your hand away, he should get it. However, if you aren't into him and do nothing you are giving consent. Inaction is consent to most men. Few get the whole passive-aggressive/ambivalent female response.

Ok, I don't want to beat that issue into the mud. Just be clear. Quite often it's a power struggle, and men and women play games with one another. The man is interested, the women doesn't know if she's interested (or at least claims not to know) and so the man is not straight forward as in days of yore (with the poems, sonnets, and ballads) and plays the woman's game of subtleties as best he can. His rationale is, "If I put all my cards on the table, she's going to shove them in my face." So he either plays no cards or one card. Unfortunately, sometimes women can be just as thick as men, and think a guy is not into them because he hasn't beat her over the head with his intentions. So what happens is, because he is cautious not to play his whole hand, she thinks he's not interested and so does not reciprocate at all. Then, seeing she's not reciprocating, he moves on, because she already has in his mind. So both sides lose. All of this because of miscommunication. Many might say, "Well he should have been more obvious." But how obvious? If he were too brash she'd lose interest and think he was a stalker instead of a charming, clever, romancer. So we need to be more clear, but not too clear? The line is fuzzy. Seems like a confusing game of cat and mouse (and I honestly have no idea which side is the cat and which is the mouse).

There is no easy answer. Ideally a guy would take a girl out a couple times, she'd give him the right signals and they'd both say and do the right things and get into a relationship. But life is not cut and dry. People zig and zag. One day you might be into her, but she's not into you. Then a couple months up the road the situation is in the reverse. For anything to work, the time has to be right for both people. You both have to be zigging together or zagging together. There's no use in pushing for something that's not there, just like there is not a whole lot of point to hoping for something that's not there (I'm not saying don't hope, I'm just saying don't put all your eggs in one basket, be hopeful in general, not in particular; be opportunistic).

One day the cat and mouse will lie down together (although in this picture it's a rat)

Fake food, is it worth it?

It's a simple question. 

Why do people purchase fake food?

Wax pears, bananas, lemons, strawberries, bread, and the list goes on. Do they do it to taunt those of us who are hungry and often come to the kitchen in search of food? Do they relish in the vain attempts of children trying to eat plastic apples? What kind of sickos are these people?

I suppose there are situations where it could begin to make sense. Perhaps one of these fake food purchasers has built a new home they would like to sell. They rent out furniture, rugs, silverware, and towels so that it has a "lived in" feel. They do it to help people who have no imagination. People who need to see possibilities to realize that they have them. So, along with the rented imagination, they purchase fake fruit baskets, cornucopias, and empty bottles that look full. But to what end? Is it to show people looking at the house that not only can they put furniture in the house and decorate it, but that they can also eat in it? And, I know this is a stretch, but perhaps it is to help them believe that they could even live in it. Wow. Fake food is so empowering.

But, then you always hear the sad story of someone's favorite pet, a little Scotty dog, choking to death on a fake T-bone. Or a Tabby cat that gets run over by a rogue bowl of plastic fruit. Or the little kid who chips his tooth on a glass orange. These are all sad stories we know too well. If only there were some way to prevent these tragedies from occurring. 

But, wait! There is a way. People can buy REAL food. Real fruit, real cheese, full bottles of beverage! Entire meals! Pantries full of delicious soups and pastries! In other words, people can eat real food, live real lives, and have real imaginations. What a world.