Saturday, April 11, 2009

Mmmm, mmm.... Scrumptilitious!

I would enjoy being a food critic. Is it a problem that I don’t know much about food or being a critic? Well in any case, the job would fit me well. Yes, I enjoy the thought of master chefs cooking up their best to please me, but I think I’d have even more fun writing about it all. Writing restaurant reviews allows the frequent use of words like "zesty" and "smorgasbord." And that's a big plus.

My column would be a brief and reliable excursion into food critique extremism. I might make ridiculized endorsements, such as: “If there was an unsupervised cage match between any and all local frozen yogurts, I’d put my money on Joe Shmoe’s Creamery. Seriously, one spoonful is like a punch to the tongue. Your tastebuds will need to learn Kung Fu just to fend off the sheer awesomosity. It was nothing short of a carnival in my mouth. Radical. Rambunctious. Really…good.”Apparently some food critics already take this sort of creative license to humorously help or hurt those who feed them. Here are a few funny restaurant reviews I found:

"But then this, as my friend had been so quick to appreciate, is a restaurant in only the barest technical sense. This is a clip joint of a shameless brazenness the like of which I cannot recall. A year ago, it would have induced raging dreams involving gelignite, because then it would have made a mint from City bonus boys going doolally with that wine list."

"...I've never known such unleavened casino gloom as at Manchester's 235 centre - and this without wagering a thrupenny bit. 'This is just... just...' murmured my friend as we were seated in Linen, a vast but sparsely populated space a flight of stairs above the gaming floor. 'Why have you brought me here? What makes you wish to cause me pain?'"

"It does seem as if we're hurtling towards the theme restaurant where they give you a blank menu, bring an empty plate, punch you in the mouth and charge you 65 dollars."

So on to my “Dear Journal” bit…

Last night one of our neighboring dorms had a party called “Flavor Trip,” where party-goers paid $3 in advance for a “Miracle Berry.” They were actually buying a tablet made from miracle berries, a fruit that, after being consumed, makes sour things taste sweet. Apparently there’s a glycoprotein that binds to the tastebuds on your tongue and tricks your sensory for a short period of time. Read the Wikipedia on it. Pretty sweet stuff, pun intended. My friends were coming back saying that biting straight into a lemon was delicious, and cream cheese on Sour Patch Kids was the most wonderful thing they’d ever tasted.

And the food ecstasy continues today, where on an adjacent campus there is an International Festival. My brunch included one or two entrees too many, but if I had had the stomach, I might have gone. Tables upon tables of cuisine from every continent and clime… not including Antarctica, I s’pose. You may have been to one of these before. If you’re too cheap to travel the globe (or aren’t sure where to start your trip), an event like this is a good way to figure out what different places can taste like. That’s just my two cents, don’t spend it all in one place.

Andy Samberg vs. Marky Mark

I loved this SNL sketch, and the back and forth that ensued. Well, I really don't know how much back and forth there actually was, but I do know that Mark Wahlberg wasn't entirely enamored by his portrayal, yet, as good actors do, he took it in stride (for the most part) and even felt honored. So, Here is the original sketch of Andy Samberg playing Mark Wahlberg in "Talking to Animals".

The animals' expressions are priceless.

Mark Wahlberg at his best.

His more tempered reaction.

They make amends, and Andy runs for dear life, as he should.

Thursday, April 9, 2009

The Greatest Past Time: Sleeping

While you can be sure that baseball is a great past time, I would suggest there is an even better one. One that many people seem only to be able to dream about while awake. This marvelous past time I refer to is sleeping. It is truly a difficult one to master for many. There are however, many child prodigies out there who seem to drop their heads, close their eyes, and start REM at will. What is their secret? Why do so many people who enjoy the past time have such difficultly mastering it?
Well, it's the same as baseball. There are only so many Jake Peavys, Pedro Martinezes, Alberto Pujols and Babe Ruths. In fact, some of our greatest sleepers come around only once in a generation. Some of our greatest sleepers are, however, unfortunately less appreciated and far more scrutinized than anyone entering the National Baseball Hall of Fame in Cooperstown. Those who have this amazing God given skill to sleep and sleep well are often called lazy and unproductive. Usually, I would suggest, out of jealousy. Why can we not appreciate it? Because we want it for ourselves. We cannot enjoy a sleeper's gift the way we can a great baseball player's gift. But, perhaps in the near future, with all those crazy dream and sleep scientists out there, we will be able to experience the beautiful sleep of a true sleeper. Sure, we'll have to be conscious to enjoy their subconsciousness, but hey, it's a step in the right direction.
With greater empathy and insight we might even be able to posthumously admire the former sleeping greats. Here are a few: Ben Franklin, Ronald Reagan, King George III, Harriet Tubman Jimmy Kimmel, Franck Bouyer, Harold M. Ickes, and Lenny Bruce. You may have noticed that some of them are not dead. Even better. We can still appreciate them and further the great past time of sleeping with stars of today.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Opening Day: God Bless America

Although yesterday was supposed to be the big day, today is has taken its place as opening day for Red Sox baseball. Now I know some of you are Yankees fans. Some of you are Padres fans. Some of you do not care one way or the other. But, today I hope we can relish in the fact that although we are in a severe economic downturn, are facing two wars more than 10,000 miles away, and have looming issues with Russia, China, Iran, North Korea, and terrorist organizations, we can still prop our feet up, sit back, and sip a drink and watch baseball. God bless America, and God bless our troops.
Oh, and the Red Sox won.

Monday, April 6, 2009

A Day in Pictures

So today I'm not writing a blog post. I'm painting a strange mosaic with unrelated and ridiculous pictures. Some are funny, some are just sick. Enjoy.
This walrus is ashamed. Clearly he's overweight.

My only friend.

This makes more sense than you know.

A good friend of mine

I never saw it coming. Came out of nowhere.

G.I. Joe!

I did.

Oh Silly Hans, you're so silly. 

This is what the Yankees do to people


He's an erudite ape.

Drunken pony rider

Drunken bulldog who happens to wear Calvin Klein


This is how to walk a dog. Not lazy at all.

This is definitely not lazy.



What a handsome face

A real man's man.


Reminds me of a buddy of mine.

George Clinton, your hair is awesome. And, your awesome is hair.


If you don't get this watch Dune. This is friggin' hilarious.

I hope my children make podcasts.

Aww. Corn dogs are so cute.

He's having so much fun.

Sunday, April 5, 2009

Blast from the past

Today I wanted to share with you a blast from the past. This is cartoon from the Chicago Tribune in 1934. My only question is, have things changed any? Oh, and you may find this picture a bit small. I had to shrink it to fit it on the blog.
Those in the cart are Ickes, Wallace, and Richberg. On the side of the cart it says "Young pinkies from Columbia and Harvard". One of them in the cart has a bottle labeled "power" and all of them are shoveling money overboard. The man leading the cart on a donkey has a sign on his back that says "Tugwell... Head Braintruster". On the back of the cart it says, "Depleting the resources of the soundest government in the world". In the background Stalin with arms folded is saying, "How red the sunrise is getting". In the bottom left corner there is a quote next to the head of the man writing the plan that says, "It worked for Russia". The plan says, "Plan of Action for U.S. - Spend! Spend! Spend under the guise of recovery - bust the government - blame the capitalists for the failure - junk the constitution and declare a dictatorship"