Saturday, June 7, 2008

New Eco Car

NEWS UPDATE!!!: A new car company that was possibly founded by either Koreans, the Japanese or aliens is making cars that drive themselves. They run on a combination of fast food grease, ethanol, lipo-juice, tobacco products, and rum. The interior is made of low cost bamboo mats and banana leaves serve as sun visors. The total weight of the cars is only 400 pounds. That means that after an accident, they are conveniently disposable. In fact, they are trying to make them available to purchase at Holiday Inns. They can seat 4 normal people, 8 children, or 12 ethiopians. The name of the car is the POS-Series 7. Many would call if the perfect POS ever made. If you are interested in purchasing one dial 1-800 326-2727. That is 1-800-ECOCRAP.

You Saucy Meatball

Along the lines of spaghetti and Italian pasta, some of my buddies and I have a different language interaction than most of you. For instance I might call my friend a saucy meatball, a meat sack or something. Some might find it strange, but that's only because they don't understand or are jealous. I've found that men in general have lots of inside jokes and even have covert languages among friends. My friends and I are no exception. For the longest time, a couple buddies from High School and I used the word 'icecream' to signify something. Let me give an example:

"Dang man, that's some sweet ICECREAM over there."

So, yes it was a good thing. Now here's another interaction:

"Hey meatball, we going to the gym?"

Response: "I'm already here meatsack."

And another for you:

"Dude, he's a poacher."

Taken at face value, these little phrases are, for lack of a better word, retarded. Or, perhaps nonsensical. But at any rate they mean something. And that something is far more important than the phrase itself. It is generally coupled with winks, nodds, neck jerks, grunts or angry stares. This way, women are left confused and stay out of the loop. And, even when you think it'd be nice for them to be in the loop, they can't get in even with some subtle hints. For guys, less is more with communication. With girls, more, more, more.

Friday, June 6, 2008


So spaghetti. I've decided it's overrated. Seriously. Americans need to branch out every once in a while. Like maybe try linguini, fettuccine, pappardelle, tortellini, ravioli, vermicelli, rigatoni, mostaccioli, manicotti, strozzapreti, radiatore, cavatelli or even campanelle.

And no, I didn't just copy those all from a list on wikipedia (ok, I did for some). But the point is, spaghetti is not the best pasta. It is the most consumed, that I will say, but I will never say it is better than half, or even a majority of the other pasta options. And, you don't have to use just RED sauce. There are pestos, and white sauces that are fabulous. And, stop eating sauce out of the bottle or can all the time. It usually tastes like tomato paste with a little oregano and basil. At least add some flavor to it if you have to use the pre-made crap. And, don't be afraid of cooking your noodles with tons of virgin olive oil and a teaspoon or two of sea salt. I promise you won't regret it. And balsamic vinegar isn't bad in there either. So enough with the cooking lesson.

It's true Americans could eat a little less KFC (JLo likes it), Burger King, Arby's, Carl Jr.'s, and frozen dinners. But isn't it fun to be slovenly? It's too much work to microwave a potato, so I think I should go to a place where it's pre-sliced, and deep fried so that it has no residual potato taste left. And corn dogs are better than eating a pot roast; and they're way cheaper. And with corn in the title, it's like I'm getting a two for one deal: a hot dog AND corn. I'm a friggin genius.

But then on the other side, I could sit around and eat just yogurt and lentils. Ah, then I'd be happy. And my farts would smell like gum drops I bet. I could frolic in a meadow with 12 necklaces around my neck and another 45 around my waist and read poetry to the squirrels. They would love me and bring over acorn tea and massage my feet with their bushy tails. Ah yes, and for breakfast we could eat amaranth and buckwheat and take rodent-sized dumps in the woods, or just go number 1 out the side that should be for number 2.

So perhaps the, it's not better. I'm living with the squirrels. And they better like fettuccine better than spaghetti.

The Good Things of Ohio

Some of you may remember, with some bitterness and dismay, the post I wrote a while back about the good state of Ohio. To understand my rationale for bludgeoning the good name of the state, I must just say my Celtics were not doing so hot in a seven game series against Cleveland. However, I foolishly did not remember all of the good people I care for and appreciate that have lived there or call Ohio home.

There are many good things to come from Ohio. One of which is a man named Ross Mangum. Ross was born in the Ohio cradle of love, not far from the garden of Eden. He was nurtured by Cyclops wet maids who rode unicorns (and his loving family, who may or may not have known about the cyclops). Ross grew up near Ohio State University, and has close ties with it. His father is a professor there, and that in turn with his proximity to the school created an unwavering devotion to the school, and consequently its football and other sports programs. He is currently studying neuroscience at Brigham Young University, and heads the BYU chapter of the Alliance of Students Against Poverty (ASAP). He is an extremely bright fellow, with a knack for soccer, and a love for Brazil, having served a two-year mission for the LDS church there. Currently he is a research assistant in Scotland, solving all the mysteries of the human genome and probably cloning lots of sheep. Ross is one good reason to like Ohio, but there are many others.

Let me list them:

Bryant Angelos
Soon to be Mary Angelos
The Bergins
Sea World
High Speed Tech Corridor
Jack Nicklaus
Neil Armstrong
The Wright Brothers
The Cardinal (State bird)
Beaver Wars
Automobile plants: Jeep, Honda, Ford, GM
Wright-Patterson Airforce Base

There are obviously many other things that I could list, but those should be good enough. The two Angelos family members and the Bergin family should be enough, but you don't necessarily know them. So take your pick (flight, steel, rubber, cars, Beaver Wars), they're all good options. I don't think anyone could still exist without Ohio's contribution to our country and lives. And by exist, I mean live in any meaningful way. Oh, and if you don't know anything about what I listed, look it up on wikipedia, because I don't have the time or patience to write it all out, and I want you to have the wonderful discovery experience I just had with Ohio.

Thursday, June 5, 2008

Invites Around the World

Today I would like to leave you all with a list of places I have been invited to visit. I will put them in order first by number of invites, and then by desire to visit. What I ask of you, well, all I ask of you is where you think I would be best spending my time. Here they are:

1. Brazil (over 10 invites)

2. Hawaii (3 invites)

3. Australia (1 invite)

4. England (1 invite)

Desire to go:

1. Brazil

2. Australia

3. Hawaii

4. England

So I'd like to go to Brazil because I've been promising some friends down there I'd visit soon. That's an understatement. Every year I tell them I'll visit, but something comes up, and I don't have the money. With Australia, I've always wanted to go and I've loved Koalas, Crocodile Dundee, the aborigines and the outback since I was a little kid.

That, and it would be a prime surf venue. However, the invite was for Perth, and I don't know if the surfing is quite as good as the gold coast, but it has to be better than most of California. Oh, and Brazil is a good surf destination too. Hawaii of course then goes without saying. It has the best big waves in the world, and great surfing. My invites have come from missionary buddies, friends and family.

But it all comes down to cost. Right now I'm saving up for a car (because my last one was destroyed by a metrosexual. I let him and another friend borrow it while I surfed it up in San Diego. Long story.) I don't know if I'll have the necessary funds after the car purchase to go anywhere that isn't stateside, but I hold out hope. If I go on a trip with the company I work for now it could be a tax write off. That's a thought. And I didn't address England, but I'm more interested in the other three. And, don't worry I'm not really putting the decision on you, the reader's proverbial laps, but a nice comment or two of advice would be nice.

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

The Rain

Today it is raining. Well, as I write this the rain is actually puttering to a stop. And, I'm really not surprised. Utah is mostly high desert. I'd say it gets more rain than most deserts, especially in the valley, but it is a desert nonetheless. Rain here is not like rain in Boston or DC, or anywhere east really. Generally it rains for a couple minutes or hours and then its done. Some might like this. To me, it's just a tease. Back home in Duxbury Massachusetts, or in Vienna Virginia, when it rains, it pours. You'll have rain all day, or a whole week at a time. And, you can expect a good storm once a week, or once every two weeks. Out here in Utah, if rain comes you might start to believe it's the second coming, only to be disappointed to learn that it was a false alarm.

I know some people say, "I hate the rain." Well to those people I say, "You're dumb." I was actually going to say something far more biting, but I thought against it. I'm sure people from Seattle get bored with it. However, at the same time it is refreshing. The smell of rain and wet ground is unmatched. The sound of rain, and the way it brings out colors is sweet to the senses. And, I remember a number of times when I was curled up under a blanket on my back porch listening to the thunder and watching the show from a rocking chair. I have ambient sounds of rain and storms (along with the ocean and rainforest) on my computer, and I used to nap to it all the time my freshman year of college. I guess what I'm trying to say is, I need rain. I need green. I want my Nor'easters. I guess what I want is to be back on the east coast.

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

The Provo Divide

In the town of Provo there is a great divide.

I have spoken of it on many occasions with many friends. In Provo, and especially around Brigham Young University, there are a lot of young, college-aged types who are looking for a good education, maybe some work, and a good time. Rarely, do they get all three. And if they do, they are the lucky ones.

As a college town, you might expect there to be a lot of students. This is true. But BYU is not the only school here. There is UVSC (Soon to be UVU), along with many beauty schools and other schools I've never heard of. So, the pond is stocked full of tons of fish. You might think, "Well that's good. If you have lots of fish, you have a lot more options." True. But everyone thinks that way and it creates a mindset that is detrimental to anyone ever getting anywhere in life (socially speaking). With so many options girls and guys around here tend to be either extremely non-committal, or way too committal. The first mindset happens because the first group sees so many options, they become fickle, picky, stupid, and like playing games and become worthless flakes, and the second mindset happens because once the other group finds someone, they cling to them for dear life out of insecurity of the system regardless if the person is an absolute monstrosity. So if that's all we've got, it leads me to wonder, what about the middle? Are you telling me (or am I telling myself) that people either play the field or get married after 6 weeks? Yes. The middle is nearly non-existent.

And, that middle has the only people with any common sense. This middle believes that you can date someone to get to know them and see if something more is there without thinking of long-term all the time. The middle believes that you should date whoever you want, but that being on two dates together does not make you a couple. The middle dates for the sake of dating. And, learns about people, relationships, and what they want out of life in a normal way. They are the balance. But, where are they? Well they have fallen into the Provo divide. Into the deep chasm that is or was the normal way to interact. I am one of them. I am not super-committal (I'm not looking to get married after a couple days or weeks of knowing someone), and I'm not a flake (I don't get interested in one girl on one day and then totally psych myself out, convince myself she's ugly, stupid or uninterested and move on to my back log of other potentials). So where do I fit here? That's a good question. Perhaps I just need to go back to the real world (like any place outside of Utah).

Monday, June 2, 2008

Cookies N' Cream

We all enjoy our guilty pleasures from time to time, and for you calorie counters out there, mine has more than you eat in a whole day: BYU Creamery Cookies n' Cream milk. It's delectable. It's delicious. It's guaranteed to make you smile and probably get fat. That is why moderation is key. And to moderate, only buy and drink it when you see it. And, for more moderation, don't hang out in the drink section of any BYU affiliated food store on a regular basis. I follow that last one about as well as Toto followed Dorothy on the yellow brick road (always, unless there was an interesting scarecrow to pee on). And I know what you might be thinking, "But aren't you a chocolate milk guy?" Oh, you know me too well. But, for some reason I like the Cookies n' Cream variety better than the chocolate stuff from BYU creamery. And, I can give you a reason why:

Nowadays you may have noticed that chocolate milk is 'reduced fat' everywhere. WTF?! If I have made the decision to drink chocolate milk I want the f-ing fat (f-ing stands for fattling). And, to counter this, I drink the cookies n' cream stuff because I at least think it has more fat. Whether that is true or not really doesn't matter to me.
I just know I feel like a Satan Pig when I drink it. And, I think from time to time we all should allow ourselves a moment or two a day, or a week to let our inner Satan Pig out.

Sunday, June 1, 2008

Getting Mad at Inanimate Objects

So just the other day I was sitting in my living room as is my custom, when I heard slightly muffled, but certainly audible man screams coming from the room behind me. The wall could not contain the tremors and I had to go investigate. Upon opening the door to the room I saw my brother, befuddled and upset at an inanimate object. Of course it was no ordinary inanimate object. It was a microphone. A blue USB mic that he had gotten me for Christmas. It had/has been giving me trouble since he got it. Sure it records stuff, but to get even moderately mediocre sound one must crank up the volume levels on both the recording software of choice and on the computer's settings. So, when I saw him enraged by this inanimate hellish fiend I thought it was well justified.

There are many other great stories and reasons to get angry at inanimate objects. And, believe me, it makes a lot more sense than you think. You see, getting mad at inanimate objects doesn't hurt anyone. You don't break any hearts, lose sleep, or create any feuds. You generally can resolve it quickly by one or two ways: annihilate by the inanimate object by awesome force, or give it to someone you don't like. The third way is only a pipe dream: Fix the inanimate object. To be honest, if you are already yelling at it, it probably is beyond fixing.

With that said, I think another great way to get out excess energy is to make a rumpus room (remember the book 'Where the Wild Things Are'? They knew all about rumpus rooms). Fill it with glass bottles, vases, lamps and teetering furniture. Then, by the entrance, have a case full of louisville sluggers (one for each day of the week), and when you are feeling very upset, or full of energy with no other way to expend it, go to town on the inanimate objects because, you know they deserve it.