Raw Asparagus

RAW. Such a small word with so many interesting connotations. Some like it raw. Some do not. Is it healthier? Well, that depends on what we're talking about. Let's just put aside what you think I'm saying and get to what I'm saying. Raw food. In particular, I would like to focus on raw asparagus.

Asparagus is good for you. I don't know the particulars, but I know it makes your pee smell; and that, is apparently a good indication that it's good for you. Some people say it tastes good. I guess I can see that. In the same way that orange peels taste good if you turn them into sugar-infused candy, or in the the way anything tastes good if you cover it in chocolate (even crickets). So asparagus, alone, uncooked...is it any good? The simple answer is no. Try it yourself, and don't lie and say you enjoy it. It's pretty much like going for a walk in the park, picking up some random plant and eating it. Given that the plant is not poisonous, you probably won't die, but your palate will most likely not thank you or feel especially expanded. Now if we're talking about steamed asparagus, cooked in olive oil and seasoned carefully with crushed pepper and sea salt, and used as a compliment to a steak and potatoes, then yes, it's good. But that's not what I'm saying. I'm saying this:

So there you are, walking into Trader Joe's because you're a crunchy hippy, a health nut, grape nuts-loving, almond milk-drinking, naan-munching, new age organic enthusiast and you bee line it straight to the fresh produce. In front of you are a plethora of options: arugula, kale, artichokes, assorted peppers, and asparagus. Some of the asparagus was grown locally, the cheaper stuff was trucked in from Mexico. You're a cheap sack, so you buy the Mexican stuff, saying to yourself that you'll rinse it thoroughly before eating it. But you can't see yourself eating straight asparagus, so you grab some broccoli spears and assorted veggies that you would find on a event platter at the end of the event because the ranch dip ran out and prior to that the cookies and good stuff ran out. But you need dip as well, because this whole raw thing is just not going to fly otherwise. You know yourself. Snacks can't taste like tree bark or the front lawn and expect to be eaten. So you go to the hummus section. You see varieties with red pepper, chives, cilantro, garlic, and anything else you can imagine to make smashed up chick peas and lemon juice not taste bland. You grab two things of hummus that don't sound too terrible. Then you continue shopping, check out and go home.

And you eat your raw asparagus. Did you rinse it? Did an amoeba eat your brain already? Ok, yes, you rinsed it. No amoeba. The asparagus is gross. The hummus makes it worse. Yet, you continue to eat it. Weirdo. Who does that?

You.

Tasty treats or Crazy freaks?

This is a very sensitive subject. One that should never be taken lightly. It involves tasty gummy treats.

The statement/implied question is this:

Gummy Bears or Gummy Worms?

My answer is gummy worms.

I know. I know. There are probably people out there reading this who are now pulling out their hair and rending their garments in frustration (or at least they'll want us to think it's in frustration). But c'mon people. They're better.

Yes, they are both made out of the same stuff, and yes, you can bite off heads and mutilate gummy bears with toothpicks more so than worms, but after you've had your moments (or hours....or possibly days) of demented gummy savagery you still have to eat it. And, on that count, the gummy worm wins. Why? Well, the gummy worm is bigger, longer, and more fun to throw, chew, and the texture is better, and they often come in multiple colors and multiple flavors on the same worm.

And, even if I'm not convincing you, you can still hang your hat on the fact that the same company is probably making them both. So whether you are buying gummy bears or gummy worms, you are still paying the same guys/gals/aliens.

ps - Wait? Did you say aliens? ahahahahahaha.

You people are sick.

Indulge in Good Food

I'm a curious person. I always have been. And, my curiosity has led me to believe that certain things are just not fair, right, or sensical. A prime example is good tasting food. Generally speaking (and health nuts will dispute this), good tasting food is often very bad for you. Why is that? It's because it usually is loaded with fats, sugar, and tastiness. 

But why is tastiness a bad thing? Why not have a little fat and sugar? I mean, I'm not going to gorge myself in danishes and pudding all day and then top it off with 8 buckets of Kentucky Fried Chicken, but I can have some good tasting food every now and then right? I mean, sure celery and carrots can keep your mouth occupied, but it's like waiting for a bus. You feel like you're wasting your time. There is no satisfaction. And, even when the bus comes, it takes forever to get home. Good food, on the other hand, is like teleportation. Instant satisfaction. Bada Bing. Bada Boom (Trekies are loving this post, and are now thinking of teleporting food directly into their stomachs).

Think of your favorite food. Stop thinking about the calories. Stop thinking about fitting into some ridiculous pair of pants. Just think of that savory goodness on your plate. Mmmmm. It's good. Give in. Give in!*

*I'm sorry if I ruined your New Year's resolution. Most Americans give up after 10 days anyway. Get a new resolution to stop making resolutions and eat good food from now on.

New Wearable Feedbags Let Americans Eat More, Move Less

Facebook Events I Decline

As some of you know, I am no longer in Utah. One boon to come from this move is that now when I get invites to random parties and events in and around Utah on facebook I can unhesitatingly decline without feeling the least bit of remorse. This has been the case for any events I was invited to by friends in New England for the past couple of years, but now it is true of Utah. Unless the event is held in cyberspace, Brazil, Hawaii, or some other place I actually have an interest in visiting I probably won't be there. Speaking of which I wanted to invite you all to my latest event:

Party in Brazo-Hawaiian Cyberspace!

When: Right now

Why: Shut up

Food: Will be delicious

Who: Everyone. Even dead people and zombies

Tag Line: Because she'll only turn 21 once...

RSVP: Yes or No. If you say "maybe," you're not coming.

This wormhole in cyberspace will take you to:

This beach. And this is where we're having the party.

Mmmm, mmm.... Scrumptilitious!

I would enjoy being a food critic. Is it a problem that I don’t know much about food or being a critic? Well in any case, the job would fit me well. Yes, I enjoy the thought of master chefs cooking up their best to please me, but I think I’d have even more fun writing about it all. Writing restaurant reviews allows the frequent use of words like "zesty" and "smorgasbord." And that's a big plus.

My column would be a brief and reliable excursion into food critique extremism. I might make ridiculized endorsements, such as: “If there was an unsupervised cage match between any and all local frozen yogurts, I’d put my money on Joe Shmoe’s Creamery. Seriously, one spoonful is like a punch to the tongue. Your tastebuds will need to learn Kung Fu just to fend off the sheer awesomosity. It was nothing short of a carnival in my mouth. Radical. Rambunctious. Really…good.”Apparently some food critics already take this sort of creative license to humorously help or hurt those who feed them. Here are a few funny restaurant reviews I found:

"But then this, as my friend had been so quick to appreciate, is a restaurant in only the barest technical sense. This is a clip joint of a shameless brazenness the like of which I cannot recall. A year ago, it would have induced raging dreams involving gelignite, because then it would have made a mint from City bonus boys going doolally with that wine list."

"...I've never known such unleavened casino gloom as at Manchester's 235 centre - and this without wagering a thrupenny bit. 'This is just... just...' murmured my friend as we were seated in Linen, a vast but sparsely populated space a flight of stairs above the gaming floor. 'Why have you brought me here? What makes you wish to cause me pain?'"

"It does seem as if we're hurtling towards the theme restaurant where they give you a blank menu, bring an empty plate, punch you in the mouth and charge you 65 dollars."

So on to my “Dear Journal” bit…

Last night one of our neighboring dorms had a party called “Flavor Trip,” where party-goers paid $3 in advance for a “Miracle Berry.” They were actually buying a tablet made from miracle berries, a fruit that, after being consumed, makes sour things taste sweet. Apparently there’s a glycoprotein that binds to the tastebuds on your tongue and tricks your sensory for a short period of time. Read the Wikipedia on it. Pretty sweet stuff, pun intended. My friends were coming back saying that biting straight into a lemon was delicious, and cream cheese on Sour Patch Kids was the most wonderful thing they’d ever tasted.

And the food ecstasy continues today, where on an adjacent campus there is an International Festival. My brunch included one or two entrees too many, but if I had had the stomach, I might have gone. Tables upon tables of cuisine from every continent and clime… not including Antarctica, I s’pose. You may have been to one of these before. If you’re too cheap to travel the globe (or aren’t sure where to start your trip), an event like this is a good way to figure out what different places can taste like. That’s just my two cents, don’t spend it all in one place.

Best Onion Moments

This story about monkeys is probably my all time favorite.



What the little girls says at the end is wonderfully quotable.



I never leave home without one.



I don't know about you, but I'm pretty excited for the sequel.

My Valentine's Day Philosophy

There are a lot of Valentine's Day haters out there. A lot of people have been disappointed on Valentine's Day. Some never get asked to do anything on Valentine's Day. Some are never in a relationship when it comes around. Some are in a relationship but either vow not to do anything because they're afraid of it never meeting expectations, or don't do something because one or the other is a schmuck. Well folks, here is my Valentine's Day philosophy:

I don't hate Valentine's Day. It's never made me bitter or upset. It is a day of love. There is no reason why a single guy can't ask out some girl on Valentine's Day and show her a good time. You don't have to worry if it's going to go anywhere. It's nice to have a day where you can just lavish gifts and romantic praise on someone. It makes the asker feel good because they have someone that day, and aren't relegated to 'stay at home loser' status, and the askee should feel great because of the same reason and that they got asked (so someone was at least thinking of them). If you do want to start something good luck. If you are already in a relationship relish in it. Of course you can go out on nice dates and buy exorbitant gifts on any day, but Valentine's Day gives you an excuse to go over the top and not feel bad about it.

Here are some good reasons to enjoy Valentine's Day:

1. Chocolate

2. Sensuous meals

3. Creative floral arrangements

4. Sweet Nothings

So, there you have it. Live it up this Valentine's Day. Just be careful with the sweet nothings.

Fake food, is it worth it?

It's a simple question. 

Why do people purchase fake food?

Wax pears, bananas, lemons, strawberries, bread, and the list goes on. Do they do it to taunt those of us who are hungry and often come to the kitchen in search of food? Do they relish in the vain attempts of children trying to eat plastic apples? What kind of sickos are these people?

I suppose there are situations where it could begin to make sense. Perhaps one of these fake food purchasers has built a new home they would like to sell. They rent out furniture, rugs, silverware, and towels so that it has a "lived in" feel. They do it to help people who have no imagination. People who need to see possibilities to realize that they have them. So, along with the rented imagination, they purchase fake fruit baskets, cornucopias, and empty bottles that look full. But to what end? Is it to show people looking at the house that not only can they put furniture in the house and decorate it, but that they can also eat in it? And, I know this is a stretch, but perhaps it is to help them believe that they could even live in it. Wow. Fake food is so empowering.

But, then you always hear the sad story of someone's favorite pet, a little Scotty dog, choking to death on a fake T-bone. Or a Tabby cat that gets run over by a rogue bowl of plastic fruit. Or the little kid who chips his tooth on a glass orange. These are all sad stories we know too well. If only there were some way to prevent these tragedies from occurring. 

But, wait! There is a way. People can buy REAL food. Real fruit, real cheese, full bottles of beverage! Entire meals! Pantries full of delicious soups and pastries! In other words, people can eat real food, live real lives, and have real imaginations. What a world.

Hospital food finally gets better: Green jello with marshmallows

Well it took decades, but finally hospital food has its Elvis. Green jello with marshmallows. For the longest time the best thing going for hospital food was apple sauce and the occasional saltine crackers, BUT NO LONGER. Move over apple sauce. It's green jello marshmallow time.

Cheryl Bergossian, an employee at The Franz Schwimer Medical center had this to say:

"It's a hit with all of the people in here who can't chew or have stomach ailments. Heck even I'll sneak in a spoonful or two when nobody's looking."

Cheryl is not alone. Apparently green jello with marshmallows was a hit at the hospital staff cafeteria. 

"I just can't keep up with demand. I have to churn out about 60 5-gallon bucket-fulls a day....Oh and don't tell the Dr. Schminkler, but I take a bucket home every other tuesday," said Maureen Benton, chief chef at Franz Schwimer.

Yes, all this excitement over green jello with marshmallows. I asked an employee who did not want to be named why there was such fuss about it, because to be quite honest I've never thought green jello anything special, even with marshmallows in it. Then I got a mean glare from an old lady passing by in her walker, but he responded in a hushed tone:

"It's really weird man. I think they have to be lacing it with something. I mean, just a month ago it was just green jello and they would give you the optional bowl of miniature marshmallows if you were good, but now that they've combined the two they act as if it's some sort of culinary revelation. For the record, I think green jello is overrated."

Unfortunately for the employee I interviewed to get that quote, he was overheard by the head RN, and told to turn in his two weeks notice. Sorry Brian.

Holiday Leftovers

Holiday leftovers are great. Turkey, mashed potatoes, cranberry sauce, string beans and bacon, three bean salad, yams, and trays and boxes of chocolates, cookies, and fruits. My family could easily live off leftovers for the next week. The unfortunate side effect is weight gain. That is, if you sit around doing nothing most of the time. Fortunately I do stuff. Unfortunately, that stuff is mostly going out to dinner with family and friends. Going out to dinner with a week's worth of leftovers at my disposal makes no sense whatsoever. Which is why my family seems to do it (That and it was my Dad's birthday and because he was sick on the day we ordered Chinese food, and then we went out to Outback Steakhouse the next day when he was feeling better).

So leftovers are a boon and a curse. I love to eat them, and they love to be eaten, but unless I do something beyond restaurant excursions, the possibility of me becoming a professional sumo wrestler increases. 

The mighty power of leftovers can be seen in the following photo:

Summer Weddings

So far this summer I have been to, or been invited to some ten or so weddings. I think that is great. It's nice to see friends move on to a new stage in their lives while I remain the rock in the river. I don't budge. But at any rate, I have certainly had the opportunity to think about the subject quite a bit. I think about it when I attend the receptions, do the whole receiving line thing, and partake of their food and dancing.

In Utah, from what I have seen so far, people stick with efficient, low-budget receptions. People tend to have their reception in some big hall they rented out with some decent decorations and generally some ice cream, sweets, or cake, with a receiving line of some kind and the cutting of the cake, bouquet, and garter being affairs that get drowned in the mayhem.

I must say, 'just cake' receptions kinda suck. I mean, I know I'm there to show solidarity for some friends, but I think food at a wedding reception makes or breaks it. I honestly don't think it matters if you have ten to even twenty different varieties of cakes or ice cream. When I come to a wedding reception I expect at the very least some little sandwiches or shrimp cocktail. And lemon water is pretty weak, even if you have the option to have orange, cucumber, and strawberry water. I think fountain drinks, juices, smoothies, etc. are not a bad call. I know some of you may be thinking I'm picky, but I think of it like this:

You get married (hopefully) once in your life. So, you want to get it right, and pull out all the stops. So, for future reference, if any of you reading this come to my wedding (whenever that happens), there will be a full wet bar, lobster, clams, steak, shrimp, sushi, sandwiches, soup, salad, along with much merriment. I know some of you probably think I don't have much say because I'm not the bride, but there are some things I will not budge on. And those are food items. They must be plentiful and good. I think that's only reasonable. If I want good gifts, I should throw a sweet, top notch party.

Goodbye DC

Well, my visit back home to the DC area was certainly eventful. I came for my brother's graduation from Thomas Jefferson High School (which consequently is the nation's best). Or, so say the High School rating people (whoever they are). And it got me thinking. If his school is 'the best,' then what school is 'the worst?'

Because to be honest the term 'the best' tends to strike me as perhaps a little subjective. It's like saying vanilla ice cream is the best. Or that Porsche 911 Turbo's are the best. While some of you may think they are, and in some ways they might be, I'm not so sure. I mean, I know what they're saying, from an academic standpoint, but surely, as most people in the US know, that standpoint certainly doesn't always make a school better. You have to factor in the human element and ask questions like: "Is our school made up of entirely nerds?" "Have we won anything significant other than ACADEC?" "Do most of the kids here know how to tie their own shoes or cook a bowl of rice?" "Could anyone here pull off a sweet prank?"


So, at any rate, I can't say I'm entirely sold at this point on his school being 'the best.'

Other than that though another thing I noticed when I came home is how much people eat. Back in Provo, on my own I eat when I'm hungry. Here I eat when people have a meal ready. And so of course, there are two to three times the number of meals, and the food is served in much larger portions and at least in my opinion, is not as healthful as the food I eat in Provo. So, of course, I ate more than I should have, don't have a gym membership here, and feel like I have digressed a bit physically speaking. Let's just say, if I stayed here another week, I might take on a new shape...like maybe become one of the block people from Gumby (but more realistically I would probably look more like pokey after he found a room full of pie). It was, in other words a deliciously sinful weekend.

And on another note, today I return home alone. My brother who came out here with me is staying as he prepares to go on to Mexico and Haiti (raising money and awareness for the impoverished), and I return to Utahville. It's always bittersweet. On the one hand, I'll miss real thunderstorms, east coast mentalities, the metro, family and a sweet car...but on the other hand I won't have to deal with traffic, eat thanksgiving everyday, or pay for an exorbitant gym membership and I can get paid again by my boss.

Nanatech

My Nana is a great woman. Born and bred in the heartland of America, Indiana; she knows how to get things done the Hoosier way. Nana's house is an efficient machine - it runs like clockwork, day in, day out. She is very kind, but she will not be crossed (nor should she be). But with all her organized ways and my allusions to machinery I thought of calling the way she does things something you may all find familiar: Nanatech. I know what you're thinking, "It's nanotech Michael, you're so silly." Well, I think it's worthwhile to point out the similarities.

When we say nanotech - we mean bite size technology.
My Nana stands barely 5 feet off the ground.

When we say nanotech we think of high tech organization.
Nana has the menu of every meal planned out for years.

When we say nanotech we inevitably think of ipods, microchips, and spider gadgets from Minority Report.
My Nana does not own an iPod and is scared to death of spiders.

So I guess that is where the similarity ends. I love my Nana, and I wouldn't trade her for any nanotech ever. I like my Nanatech.

Snickers, please wait.

I'm sure you are all somewhat familiar with the snickers ads "Why Wait?" Here are some reasons to wait:

1. Snickers are not as good as milky way bars (debatable, talk amongst yourselves)
2. You might be allergic to peanuts
3. You could choke on a peanut
4. You have no idea what a 'nougat' is
5. You prefer ice cream
6. You prefer real food
6 1/2. You are going on a strict grass and sand diet
7. You think that the snickers are laughing at you and not with you (true.)
8. Swedish fish are made in Canada, and you don't really like Canadians, but you do like Swedish fish more than Snickers
9. Snickers look like wild animal scat
10. You had a traumatizing experience on Halloween as a little kid when a teenager ripped up your costume, smashed the pumpkins outside of your house, and stuffed your face full of pre-opened, tainted snickers bars
11. Even if Landon Donovan endorses snickers, the US still hasn't won a world cup (and you only eat candy bars that win world cups)
12. You mom said that if you spoil your dinner with snickers you don't get any pie.
13. Your mom has a stash of York peppermint patties somewhere, and snickers suck compared to them
14. You question why you are still reading this list, but have agreed that on some occasions you will not eat snickers
15. You will always eat snickers and do exactly what the Mars marketing group tells you to

The Taco Temple

The Taco Temple: California Fusion. For a moment I want you to imagine a taco. Now I want you to imagine the best Mexican food possible. Now, if that weren't enough, imagine ingenious chefs and fabulous decor. Then you would have an indescribably holy experience with large quantities of Mexican ambrosia. I had the honey Chipotle tacos with mango cheesecake to top off the meal. It was fabulous.

Towards the end of our meal a server came out to pick up our plates. He was wearing a loose-fitting button-up shirt and khaki shorts and boats shoes. I doubted he was a regular waiter and figured he was the owner of the temple, or perhaps...the Temple President. Unfortunately Gary the man (a friend of mine) ruined the facade when he asked him if he was the owner and he said he wasn't, and that it was actually his first day there. I was befuddled at first, but then he said he was friends with the owner and that he came over from time to time to help out; he had his own restaurant nearby. But in my mind, I met the Taco Temple President.

It was not the first time I had been to this great restaurant in Morro Bay, and it certainly won't be the last.