Tuesday, February 4, 2014

Local School Class Hamster Successfully Undergoes Last Chemo Treatment

Dorchester, Mass. - Children in Mrs. Winterbottom's 2nd grade class at Whatsherbucket Elementary School were surprised with the news from their resident veterinarian, fellow classmate Johnny Rosenblatt, that their beloved class hamster pulled through its last chemotherapy treatment.

The hamster had developed prostate cancer as of September of last year, said Rosenblatt.

"I'm so happy that little Fur Nugget is still with us. He had us worried. I think now we get a pizza party," said Miley Gilmore, class psychologist, and winner of last week's math olympics.

The hamster has been with the class since the summer of 2012, when "Fur Nugget" replaced a previous hamster named "Old Fuzzy" who had gotten himself stuck underneath a washing machine and was only able to be extricated three days too late by the jaws-of-life.

"I don't know what a prostate is, but I'm glad Fur Nugget is still with us after all that chocolate milk and ketchup packets Johnny put in his butt," said Theodore Frugal, class idiot.

Peyton, Reeling From Humiliating Loss, Caught Eating Dominoes Pizza

Denver - After a soul crushing drumming by some football-playing aquatic seabirds (The Seattle Seahawks), Peyton Manning was seen in a nearby hotel eating Dominoes pizza.

Peyton has a lucrative and well-known endorsement contract with Papa John's, and, reliably, Papa John's was none too pleased.

"Peyton was my boy. He said he loved my dough. He was so happy when he did the commercials. I don't know where I went wrong, " said John Schnatter, AKA Papa John.

Peyton was unavailable for comment.

However, Dominoes' company spokesman did go so far as to say, "Neener, neener, neener," to Papa Johns.