Thursday, March 26, 2009

Good Cereal Advertisements

It is one question that has plagued the minds of all Americans for years: "What ever happened to good cereal advertisements?" Back in the day we had Tony the Tiger, the Smacks Frog, Count Chocula, Lucky the Leprechaun, Snap, Crackle, and Pop, the Trix rabbit, Sonny, The Cinnamon Toast Crunch guys, Captain Crunch, Toucan Sam, and the Honey Nut Cheerios Bee. But where are they now? Where have all the good times gone?

Well, if you remember from only a short while ago, that cute little chimpanzee who starred in the Cocoa Puffs commercials went bonkers in Connecticut and mauled a lady (my condolences to the dead ape and his victim).

But what about Tony? Well, it's true that he shows up from time to time with Olympic celebrities, but it's been widely reported that he is an overweight alcoholic. Apparently the stress of always saying "They're Grrrreat" as his life was falling apart around him was too much.
Count Chocula on the other hand, met a much more immediately fatal fate. As it turns out, he got into a fight with Lucky the Leprechaun over whose cereal had more vitamins and was staked in the heart by the marshmallow that didn't make it into the Lucky Charms box: the shillelagh.
The Smacks Frog also met a similarly abrupt end. While on vacation in the French Riviera, he was confused with someone's frog leg dinner. After he was made an amputee he went to Paris and committed suicide by weaving in and out of traffic on the Champs-Elysees.
The Honey Nut Cheerios Bee is not around as much anymore because of the recent and mysterious bee plague that is killing off much of his family. General Mills has given him the year off.

Captain Crunch became Mayor of San Francisco and spends most of his time in the Castro District.

The Trix rabbit, enraged by always being denied the cereal he so adamantly promoted went berserk, throwing carrots and eating children in a strip mall near Boca Raton, Florida. Prior to being caught by authorities, he posed as the Easter bunny and was trampled by little children.
Snap, Crackle, and Pop started a Boy Band that flopped, and now they are pursuing solo careers. Snap might even make it into next season's American Idol.

The Golden Crisp Bear is still around, but he is even more mellow now than he was in his commercials. He spends most of his time in a refurbished VW bus toking it up with his edgy buddy Sonny, from the Cocoa Puffs' commercials.
The Cinnamon Toast Crunch Bakers have all recently died of heart related problems. Too many cinnamon rolls and not enough exercise appear to be the main cause. That and the skinnier one had a heroine problem.

Toucan Sam was released into a wild game reserve in Brazil earlier this year, and was subsequently killed by a very accurate blow dart hunter.
So there you have it. Is there a chance that cereal advertisements will make a comeback? Maybe. But you can be sure that we will see plenty more generic American breakfast table scenes with everyone smiling and laughing for no apparent reason in the meantime.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Shark Surfing

Sure, you've heard of surfers having run ins with sharks. You've seen their mangled legs and huge scars. You've heard the horror stories. But there are always some surfers that manage to stay above the shark infested fray. Instead of surfing each day against the odds, in a wait to become bait (shark bait, not jail bait), some surfers have decided to harness the shark for better surfing. No longer is he foe, but a willing friend. Together, the shark gives the surfer a good ride, and the shark gets a nice meal.
In this article from the Sun, you can find out more about this man's successful shark surf.

Shark surfing hopes to become to be a lasting new sport, and if this man's ride was any indication, the future looks bright. Shark surfing hopes to open up entirely new markets and new demographics. For those who live near the ocean, but have infrequent, or paltry waves, a quick shark tow could prove the catalyst for another surf haven. For those who like sharks, or extreme thrill seeking, this is a great opportunity for them as well. And, the basic tools needed for shark surfing are basic.

Here's a shark surfer's kit:

2-10 pounds of bloody meat
1 decent salt water fishing pole
1 surfboard
1 crazy daredevil who laughs in the face of death

After getting past the breaks, the surfer must cast his line out with the meat in hopes of catching a shark. Once the shark latches on, the surfer must then position himself to ride, as if he were riding the Pipeline, all the while holding the rod steadily. After a sufficiently exhilarating ride, the surfer must then drop the pole or cut the line and surf back to shore. Piece of cake.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Being a writer is a great way to get ladies

Today we begin with a quote. A quote that is more true than any other ever said. Even more true than Rene Descartes' "I think therefore I am". The quote is from Saul Bellow:

"All a writer has to do to get a woman is say he's a writer. It's an aphrodisiac."

Let me start by saying I have that quote on my facebook favorite quotes part of my bio. But that does not make it any less true. While many people consider themselves writers, there are only a few that are truly writers in the sense that Bellow means. A blog you might say, does not qualify someone as a writer. That might very well be true by itself in the same way that someone who writes a book, or pens a poem, is not necessarily a writer.
Why? Well, from my experience, most literate people can write, and do so to prove it from time to time. Some people are prolifically terrible at it, while others are secretly Shakespearian geniuses. I do not profess to be either, yet, I also don't profess to be a muddler who sits on the unenviable stool of mediocrity, unwilling to grovel with the commoners, but not tall enough to reach the stars. That being said, let's get to the meat of it. Why are writers (the real ones) so sexy?

Well, I tend to think it comes from their ability to express things in unique ways. They open up new worlds to us. They create fantasies, visions, and elucidate our aspirations and fears. They take us up and down through a whirlwind of words and thought showing us man's depravity and his capacity for excellence. But on the other hand, they're just innately better (I'm not going to prove that, just take it at face value).

Writers are subject to the same passions, vulnerabilities, lapses of judgment, and bouts of depression as anyone else. Perhaps even more so. And, perhaps because they are so often so close to the precipice women feel they can love them. Here today gone tomorrow. They live life through the pen and see things that others don't. But, you don't have to commit yourself to a writer. I suppose in a way you can't. A writer is only committed to his writing (a good one anyway). But doesn't that make writers a one trick pony? No. writing is not limited to itself. It envelopes everything else. It absorbs every follicle, dust mite, or great expanse that it wants. And, for any writer to articulate himself well, he needs to know it, see it, be it. His mind is a prism and the world is redefined through it. But just as the mind reinvents the world, both the world and the mind are catalysts depending on the moment.

But now for the real reason writers are so great. They are generally not the most amazing physical specimens, but yet, they offer a beauty that far surpasses the physical. And, if they are attractive people, their artful ability to paint the sky with words wraps them with a metaphorical Armani suit, complete with some fabulous cologne. 
I don't even need to make the suggestion that ladies should go after the writer. The ladies come to him. 

Monday, March 23, 2009

"Definitely Maybe-ers"

Paraphrasing a friend of mine, there are two kinds of people in this world: Those who are always busy, and use that as an excuse not to do things, and those who are just as busy, but somehow always seem to find time for things. I thought this statement was pretty accurate, except I think some people just aren't busy and don't do jack (much to Jack's chagrin). But those people aside, I want to talk about the people who are always busy and never seem to be able to find time to live life.

I'll call these people the "definite maybe-ers" because, they have a hard time prioritizing and organizing, so instead of saying "yes" or "no" they say "maybe". I have a feeling that I am not the only one to deal with this dilemma, so while it may seem that I am ranting, or complaining or whatever, I'm just trying to point out a trend that people can relate to. A trend that makes no sense for anyone.

Let me give some stark examples. 

If you are invited to a wedding reception, or a wedding, more often than not (and by that I mean every time) you are asked to RSVP. I have never heard of someone RSVPing "maybe" to someone's wedding. It's just not practical. The couple cannot just spend an inordinate amount of money of tables and food for people who may or may not come. They need to know definitively. So, if I ever heard a "maybe" for my wedding or reception, I would take it as a "no", and, a slap in the face because the person could not deign me with an appropriate response. If I got that response, the person would most likely not remain a friend. Now, bear in mind a "no" is far more polite and I would not feel burned at all. 
Another example would be if you're asking someone out on a date. Especially if the date is something that needed to be planned out in advance, like a concert or a nice restaurant. If the person being asked says "maybe", I would move on. It's not polite. How hard is it to pull out your planner, look at your schedule and either see if you're free or not? It's not. Now, if you are a "definitely maybe-er" you might have a bunch of "maybes" already penciled in, and that would cause you once more to say "maybe". Living life like that is ludicrous. Give a guy or gal a "yes" or "no".
But here's where the problem comes from: Many people want to seem polite, or be "nice", so they do not give definitive answers and waffle out of fear of offending the other party. Well, the reality is, being clear and saying "yes" or "no" is not a mean way of interacting. It is honest, true, appreciated, and "nice". There is no need for ambiguity. Ambiguity makes things awkward for the "definitely maybe-er" and the person being "maybe-ed". So, the solution is directness. 

If you truly don't know if you can manage something, there is a polite way to deal with it. You do not respond until you know for sure. "Maybe" cannot suffice. Neither can a "yes" that turns to a "no" or a "no" that turns to a "yes". I hope I'm preaching to the choir on this. What do you think?

Sunday, March 22, 2009

Dear Diary,

This Spring break I went to Disneyland, chilled with my grandma, and got my wisdom teeth out. Oh, yes. All four of my wisdom teeth have taken a permanent leave of absence from my oral cavity. The aftermath has been completely and utterly bearable, with a tinge of mediocre dull pain. Apparently it's not always this way. No, I wasn't eating a burger the same day, as others' stories may go... but my cheeks did NOT swell to chipmunk proportions!
Perhaps I should clarify: I was terribly disappointed to have such little swelling. Perhaps due to the combination of my talented surgeon, my natural tendency towards rapid healing (seriously, I'm like wolverine...), and a general hereditary cellular stoicism--my cheeks just weren't meant to balloon out as though I was trying to get in the Guiness book for marshmallow swallowing. Alas.
WHY? Why would I ever wish the Swollen Jowl Syndrome (SJS) upon myself? Because it would have made hilarious videography. I had every Alvin & the Chipmunks song I could find on my laptop, my webcam prepped and polished, my ducks were in a row. The plan was to lipsync as know, playing the harmonica, wishing for the hula hoop, getting yelled at by Dave... and I would have posted that video at the end of this blog.

I guess this will just have to make up for it:

The Corn Dog Diet

Corn dogs: neither corn on the cob, nor a dog. Sure they contain corn, and hot dogs, but that just opens a whole new can of worms. Hot dogs aren't made from dogs either. In fact they're made from excess pig parts that no one else wanted. So why not call a hot dog a "hot cylinder of pig entrails," and call a corn dog a "cylinder of pig entrails wrapped in processed corn bread." Mmmm. Just makes the mouth water. But, even knowing all that, and renaming it, people would still buy them. Why? Because they taste good. Sure, they might give you a coronary, but what doesn't these days? I mean you can have heart problems from eating hamburgers and french fries for crying out loud. You can become sterile from staring at a microwave, or get brain cancer from using your cell phone too much. So, why not indulge in a corn dog? Might as well.

I know I won't turn one down when I'm offered one. 
But, speaking of corn dogs, I have a friend who loves them. He in fact lives off of them. I'm not kidding. He eats a steady diet of corn dogs and soda. And yet, he manages to remain quite trim and full of vim and vigor. Some of you may envy him, and rightly so. He is a man of men. God of corn dogs. A brilliant anomaly showing just how good processed food and American consumerism can be to one person. This is why I suggest the corn dog diet. I do not suggest it for Jewish people, unless they can find corn dogs that are made of lamb, but for all the other heathens I whole-heartedly endorse it. This is how the corn dog diet looks each day of the week:


Microwave 2 corn dogs
Remove ketchup bottle from refrigerator
Remove 2 liter bottle of root beer from refrigerator
Eat corn dogs with ketchup
Pour a glass of root beer
Refill glass as needed


Microwave 3 corn dogs
Remove ketchup bottle from refrigerator
Remove 2 liter bottle of root beer or coke from refrigerator
Eat corn dogs with ketchup
Pour a glass or root beer or coke
Refill glass as needed


Microwave as many corn dogs as you want
Remove ketchup bottle from refrigerator
Remove 2 liter bottle of Dr. Pepper from refrigerator
Eat corn dogs with ketchup
Pour a glass of Dr. Pepper
Refill glass as needed

Repeat Daily.

I hope I have not sent too many of you to your unwitting and unfortunate demise. Good luck.