Bill's Story: Chapter 2

So Trevor (my dog) kept me up last night. He kept barking at the corner of the room. My guess is he saw the invisible psycho clown that has been trying to get me for years. Dogs for some reason can always see invisible things. It's like a sixth sense. Except, I don't know if they only have five to begin with. I pretty sure Trevor has 15. One of them I now know is sensing invisible psycho clowns. Others are more obvious. Like knowing whether or not an animal or object is worth a hump. I bet you wish you had a dog named Trevor.

The Art of Jaywalking

People and animals the world over have been doing it since the Romans first came up with decent roads. Yes, that's right: Jaywalking. Why, even dinosaurs did it while migrating across Pangea (especially the diplodocus, he had no respect). However, as risky as it can be, it doesn't seem to be going away. In fact, I'd say it's a rather celebrated past time. Perhaps not quite as celebrated as baseball in America, but more so than the birthday of a family's middle child. Some people are better than others, (as evidenced by the unfortunately high amount of pedestrian casualties), and some animals are better than people. Therefore, there is even another tier within the jaywalking clique that is even more exclusive. It is reserved entirely for giraffes.

Enjoy the art of jaywalking:

No officer, I do not drink and drive.

A free tattoo? Sweet.

Egret, please show some common decency. This is not a marsh. Cross the road in the designated area.

INSOLENT CAMEL! No jaywalking, or strutting, or whatever it is you do.

Why don't you write a song about it.

You just couldn't wait could you? Over eager maybe?

Giraffe, how dare you! I told you to go to the giraffe X-ing.

Oh, now I'm convinced.

Ok man, this time you've gone too far.

I hear this little jaywalking  incident didn't go over so well. You've gotta pick your moments.

Seriously giraffe?! You're out of control.

What?! Cross-dressing man nun jaywalker?

Andy Samberg vs. Marky Mark

I loved this SNL sketch, and the back and forth that ensued. Well, I really don't know how much back and forth there actually was, but I do know that Mark Wahlberg wasn't entirely enamored by his portrayal, yet, as good actors do, he took it in stride (for the most part) and even felt honored. So, Here is the original sketch of Andy Samberg playing Mark Wahlberg in "Talking to Animals".



The animals' expressions are priceless.



Mark Wahlberg at his best.



His more tempered reaction.



They make amends, and Andy runs for dear life, as he should.

Tofu that tastes like George Clooney

Cannibalism. It's mostly myth, extremely rare when it actually happens, and appalling to most people, except, well, cannibals. But I just discovered a little news that might help us all rethink cannibalism. As it turns out, PETA is trying to promote a new George Clooney-flavored tofu. While this might sound like satire, I assure you it is not. I wish it were. Oh the irony! 

On the one hand, you have an organization that proclaims the rights of animals from the streets to the roof tops with nude protests, banners, court challenges, and interesting melanges of all of those. On the other, it encouraged Ben and Jerry's to use human breast milk (so as not to exploit cows) and now is promoting a human flavored tofu. Here's where I tend to think the philosophy is starting to run over itself. The animal is put before the human. In order to save the animals, they would have us eat humans (or at the very least tofu flavored like George Clooney). 

Now you may be curious as to how PETA is going to make this George Clooney-flavored tofu. Well, one of PETA's supporters managed to get a hold of his sweaty gym towel, and, just as they make artificial chicken flavor for gravy, they will extract his "essence", replicate it, and make it into tofu. Now, I do know of quite a few women who say, "That George Clooney, I would just eat him up," but I somehow don't think those same women would be interested in tofu flavored like him. Just a guess. I could be wrong for some of you, but my guess is that PETA is not pinning their success on the actual product, but on the mere marketing value. It's like selling holy relics. Like saying certain water was blessed by such and such a saint and so it is special. Well I'm not buying it PETA. I may be all for treating animals humanely, but I'm not about to become a cannibal, especially when we're talking about Mr. Clooney.

Freckled People Enlist Animal Help to in Takeover Bid

As you know from a previous post, freckled people are taking over the world.

The freckled people have now enlisted the help of several ingenious animals and people on their quest to take over the world. Here are some of them:

Tiny Tim not really Tiny or named Tim

During this holiday season we read stories, decorate, chop down trees and put them in our house, darn socks, roast chestnuts, have fires in the fireplace, go caroling, bake cookies, and do a lot of things we otherwise would not. We believe in toy making elves, and overweight sled riders who bring presents by going down the chimney. We believe in mistletoe's magical power to bring lips together, and we believe that flat screen TVs are a necessity. However, I'd like to go a little bit counter current. I know I never do, so this should shock you.

You should all be familiar with Charles Dicken's A Christmas Carol. It is probably one of the most oft-recited and most often readapted to TV specials of any other Christmas story. Even the Christmas story with "You'll Shoot Your Eye Out," "Fudge," and that stupid kid getting his tongue stuck to a poll doesn't come close to "bah humbug!" or Tiny Tim's "God bless us, everyone!" 

But, I have some news that might shock you. After some investigative journalism (and by that I mean the idea popped in my head with no references, research or anything), I have discovered the truth about Tiny Tim. As it turns out, his name was not really Tim, nor was he tiny. Tiny Tim was in fact an obese savant named Mark. Whether he was called Tiny Tim to be ironic, or to be endearing we may never know.

Tiny Tim did not in fact use crutches (although he tried several times to no avail). The best Bob Cratchit could do for his son was tie him up with the rope and winch at the town well. And this merely shows how good a man Mr. Cratchit was because, as you now know, Tiny Tim, or should I say Mark, was not crippled, but just overweight. But, to repay his father's kindness, Mark would make perfect clay models of animals with his teeth (that was his gift apparently). Then, Mr. Cratchit would sell these clay models and give the money to a nearby orphanage. 

Mr. Scrooge on the other hand was as big of a jerk as he appears in the book, and in TV adaptations. True to form, he didn't care much for his employees and in fact was very cruel to Mark. He had a fear of fat people and is believed to have come up with the name Tiny Tim to calm his nerves whenever he was pestered by Mr. Cratchit's humble pleadings for time off or bonuses.

So there you have it. That is the truth about the beloved Christmas tale. Merry Christmas! And as Mark the obese savant said, his mouth all full of clay, "God bless us, everyone!"

Cat Lovers vs. Dog Lovers

Most people like animals. And, as pets, we treat them sometimes even better than people. Part of that is because they often times treat us with more love an affection than other humans. The other part is because we're crazy. But regardless of our addiction with furry, scaly, winged and/or shelled creatures, the easiest breakdown between mentalities is between those who prefer dogs, and those who prefer cats.

My family has a cat. Her name is Sophie. She is psychotic. But, before I tell you about how weird and skiddish she is, let me tell you why she's nice. She has fur. Soft fur. And, she can be affectionate, and can kill pests. Now let me tell you why she's not so cool. She vomits on the porch. She is paranoid and starved for attention. She only wants attention from you on her terms. She sheds fur everywhere. So, cats are not on the top of my list when I think of a new pet.

I have never had a dog. The reason for that is because my mom is allergic to them. So, growing up she let me have every other kind of pet known to man (She is also allergic to cats, but likes them better, and lets the cat have her own room in the house, and claims that cats don't need as much social contact as dogs, which may be true). So growing up I had a menagerie of animals. I had turtles, a tortoise, hamsters, mice, lizards, fish, frogs, ferrets, quails, parakeets, guinea pigs, crayfish, etc. It was pretty cool growing up. But as cool as all those pets were, they were never dogs. I always tried to goad my mom into letting us get one with comments like, "Well bulldogs are hypo-allergenic because they have short hair and don't shed as much." To which she would reply, "If we ever do get a dog it will be a poodle, but for now it's either a dog or me. Take your pick." It wasn't very fair, but that was life. And, to make me feel even more guilty, when I said, "Well when I move out, I'm getting a dog!" She would say: "So you're saying I won't be able to come visit to see my grandchildren? You'd pick a dog over me?" Those kind of tactics were obviously manipulative. 

But, fortunately her tune has changed, and she thinks she could deal with a dog for short visits, and even longer visits if she took an allergy shot. Given the fact that she visits my Great-grandmother in Indiana all the time, and she has a dog, I don't think it was ever really a problem. So, that being said, I'm a dog person.

The anti-dog people will say they smell, make messes, are easily disobedient, drool, etc. But they are still better than cats in my mind. They are loyal, affectionate, always like attention (and aren't fickle about it like cats), they can be very obedient, and can do more things than cats. How many people go on walks with cats? How many cats catch frisbees? How many cats will play tug-of-war or do judo with you? I think you see my point. But, let me remind you that I do not condemn cat lovers. Any pet is better than no pet. Even if it does hack up hair balls in the middle of the night.

People vs. Animals

I love animals.  Let me just start with that.  I love them.  They have no malice towards anyone. I know that at least dogs are as close as it comes to complete, unconditional love.  However, I find a problem with people who put animals above humans.  I am aware that some of us consider ourselves just another animal, but to me being human is quite different.  Yes we need similar things that our pets do, like food, shelter, sleep, and sex, but we are inherently different.

As humans we have the capacity to reason.  We have the capacity to emote at a level that no other known creature has yet proven to be able.  We can choose.  We can create and save life better and more thoroughly than any other known being.  Yet, people still often put animals above humans. Many wealthy millionaires have put their prized fish, canary, or cat ahead of their own offspring on their last wills and testaments.  And the reason why is actually not too hard to see.  While we as humans are indeed capable of extremely intricate creative processes and reasoning, and although we can emote more effectively than any other creature, we often do not use our blessed prowess in the best of ways.  We quite often can become far worse than any of our greatest accomplishments or abilities.  We can destroy, kill, and manipulate far better than any other creature.  And that makes us a dangerous potential.  

But, it is the ability to choose that gives hope.  It allows us to see why we are better than animals.  We can choose an almost infinite good, or an infinite evil.  Animals cannot.  While I appreciate a pet's loving devotion and would never want to see any living creature suffer needlessly, given the choice I will always choose human life.  A human life, because its potential for good and evil is unsurpassed, is always more valuable.  

I see protests and demonstrations by PETA, and by other private citizens and organizations for the better treatment of animals.  And, sometimes they are justified.  But if they ever equate animals with people, putting them on the same level, I turn my back.  We are not animals.  We never will be.  Our capacity for evil and good is too great.  While I hope more choose the good, no one can control another's soul.  We make our choices, and we must respect people's right to choose their own.  Animals are not at that level.  They never will be.

I killed a baby giraffe.

So of course I hunted and killed many exotic animals at the wild animal park. And my favorite one to kill was a baby giraffe. It's mom kept making hawing noises and hitting me with her hooves, but I got the shot off. I'm mounting it on my wall.

In other news I went surfing this morning. I went to Huntington Beach. It was overcast and sprinkling from time to time. The surf was horrible. There were no consistent sets; it was very choppy and two "do-gooders" almost ran off with my surfboard and bag while I was out carving what pipe I could find. However, the water temperature was good. 61 degrees. I loved it. The temperature that is. I'm betting tomorrow will be better as we head towards Big Sur and ride some stuff on the central California coast. We'll stop by Morro Bay, Cayucos, and maybe San Simeon.



A little word to the wise for romantics: Don't wait for people. If your boyfriend says he's going away for two years, kiss him goodbye and look elsewhere. There are too many good eggs in this basket we call earth to waste your life away waiting for a nice speckled brown egg to come back to hatch and roost with you. It's stupid. Even if you do "wait for him, " which to me is absolute BS, you will probably go out with other guys, have other relationships and live your life. So, don't look at me funny when I think you're a complete moron for dumping your boyfriend, saying no to James Bond and trying to get back together with this guy who's been away for two years. First, it's stupid. Second, you broke up for no good reason. Second again, you broke two hearts at least. Third, you don't even know if the guy you waited for is the same one you are trying to get back with. And fourth, you are a different person too. Don't cut yourself short. There are always more fish in the sea and life is worth living. Don't wait. Carpe Diem! But at the same time, if you do wait and it doesn't work out...c'est la vie. You can't always get what you want, but if you try some time, you get what you need. I heard that somewhere before....