IBM is not Smarter.

The IBM "smarter" commercials are ironically stupid. Why? Because I have never (to this point in my life anyway) met a smart energy grid, traffic light, toll system, tree, rock, or otherwise inanimate object. Yet somehow, IBM's magicians can make things with no sentient ability not just sentient, but smart.

But, I suppose that wouldn't be too hard to fathom from a magician (who used to make computers and is probably allergic to rabbits), except that they claim to make these inanimate things more than just smart, but smarter. Smarter grocery stores? Trains? Classrooms? Shipment? Smarter than what? When the one guy says "smarter water", it makes me want to buy some. Seriously. I would love water to think and be smarter. It doesn't need to be smarter than me, but smarter in general would be fine. Oh wait...there is already smart water. Sorry IBM. You missed the boat on that one.

And smarter medical records? I dunno man. I don't think that would be good. Imagine the mayhem. Not only do they have your health information on them, but they tell jokes about your health problems with witty sarcasm and sass. Or, they mess with you by showing your weight as 140 one day, then 210 the next. Or, maybe they grow legs, become "super-genius-schizophrenic-smart" and start to jump out of windows and burn themselves. Then what good are they?

What I would prefer is a smarter IBM. Or perhaps, a smarter IBM marketing strategy. Like maybe just saying: "Look man, we're IBM. We do stuff" or "IBM, the people that used to make computers, but now do mostly consultant work" or "The best part of waking up is IBM". All "smarter" alternatives that get the message across and are attractively self-depricating. That's a company I can get behind (and kick).

That Swedish lady freaks me out every time.

Farewell to a great backup writer: Jimbo

Well, I just lost my main backup writer (my bro who went by Jimbo) for this blog for 2 years. He left this morning, and won't have another post on this blog for a long time now. But, he's not dead, he's just going to Siberia. So, that being said, let us dig up some of his work:

The Most Stylish Letter of 2009

Don't Look Down

Bad Milk

Mmmm, mmm...scrumptilitious

Now Hiring

Remember, remember February 14th!

New Release!

The Real Robot Revenge: Part 3

The Real Robot Revenge: Part 2

The Real Robot Revenge: Part 1

Thanks Jimbo. You always did us proud here at the Satire Report. May you come back full of strength, spirit, vitality, complete fluency in Russian, and funnier jokes.

Dasvedanya.

P.S. - He always loved this clip:

"Just Kidding!"

The Russians have a saying: Within every joke there is a drop of truth. Now, I don't know if you've noticed this, but it seems that we have unwittingly developed a method of systematically removing ourselves from absolutely any socially jeopardizing statement simply by declaring the magic words, "Just kidding!" Allow me to elaborate.

I had an experience the other day where a former co-worker told me she had stopped by the office to see my boss (her former boss). I asked her why and she nonchalantly told me that she had a secret crush on him. I gave her a sideways glance and made sure I understood her correctly, "You have a secret crush on him?" Without hesitation she laughed and said, "I'm just kidding!"

Now the problem here is not that she had a crush on my boss. I had suspected that she liked him a long time ago and I didn't care. The problem is that she didn't want to be honest with her feelings. And not even because she couldn't confide in me, but because she thought that I felt her feelings were socially unacceptable.

In an episode of the Family Guy entitled, 'Mr. Saturday Knight,' father-figure Peter Griffin makes a statement that depicts what is really going one here. He says to his wife, "Since money is getting tight I was gonna suggest that we eat the kids. You know, like jokingly at first but then I was gonna gauge your reaction and then if you were cool with it we could go from there."

You've probably found yourself in a situation similar to this one-you may have even uttered those words yourself. Someone says something vulgar or brash or politically incorrect and the statement isn't received as expected. So, the individual puts on a smile and declares, "Just kidding!" I don't know about you, but I see this happen all the time.

So why do we do this? Why can't we just suck it up and take it like a man...or woman. So we said something stupid. Big deal. Trying to pass it off as a bad joke doesn't make it any better. Next time you find yourself tempted to nullify your that faux pas with the statement, "It was just a joke!" stop and ask your self the following questions: 1) Was your statement a joke? 2) Does anyone actually care about what you just said? 3) Is stating "just kidding" really going to be able to gloss over what was said?

If you answered yes to any of the following questions you are probably need to have your head checked.

Just kidding!