Bill's Story: Chapter 3

When I went to get the paper this morning I saw my neighbor Ted. Typical right? Except he was squatting and hunched over something by my garbage cans. When I yelled "Hello Ted", as is my custom, he glared at me and made a hissing noise. I think he's probably a zombie. He was either eating a rotten bag of potatoes or a small child. I don't know how any of that got in my garbage. I take solace in the fact that at least he's not a raccoon. My dog Trevor got bitten by a couple raccoons last week. Doctors told me he has rabies. I know better. Trevor is now a raccoon zombie. I'm pretty sure both he and my neighbor are plotting to eat me. And then steal my flat screen TV.

Bill's Story: Chapter 2

So Trevor (my dog) kept me up last night. He kept barking at the corner of the room. My guess is he saw the invisible psycho clown that has been trying to get me for years. Dogs for some reason can always see invisible things. It's like a sixth sense. Except, I don't know if they only have five to begin with. I pretty sure Trevor has 15. One of them I now know is sensing invisible psycho clowns. Others are more obvious. Like knowing whether or not an animal or object is worth a hump. I bet you wish you had a dog named Trevor.

Writing with My Left Hand

Well, it's true. As promised, I am typing this entire post with only my left hand. I suppose it just makes it more interesting (read 'more of a hassle') for me to do it, and really makes no difference to you, given that there is no noticeable difference to you the reader. However, the probability of anyone caring that I do this is low. But then again, the probability that I care about that probability is zero. That is why I generally don't listen to anything said by a person speaking to me who says, "The probability of...happening is..." because I just don't care.

Here are some pictures:

I will karate chop you!

Silly hat, dogs are for kids.

Of course, the bathroom design hat! Why didn't I think of that?

That's how we do it Mr. Cleese.

This rabbit is Scottish.

Ha. So true.

Cats suck.

Having recently cleaned up the sun porch where the family cat lives, I have come to the conclusion that I will not buy a cat. The room was full of so much cat dander, cat hair, hidden fur balls, puke, and dead rotting mice carcasses, that I nearly lost my lunch, and at one point or another, my will to live. Who ever said cats are clean is a liar. Sure, maybe they keep themselves clean, but that's it. That is why I will at some point get a dog instead of a cat (probably when I move out of my parents' basement).

This will be my dog:

What Color is the Best?

Debate has raged for centuries. Wars have been fought. Civilizations have fallen. Mothers cannot sleep soundly at night in comfortable suburban neighborhoods. All because of this great question: 

What color is the best?

Some say red, others yellow, and even a few wise guys will say things like turquoise, sea foam green, fuchsia, or aubergine. Well they are all wrong.

The best color is brown. Yes. That's right. It's the best. EVER. That's not even subjective. Fashionistas everywhere are calling it the next pink. Brown is earthy, not too flashing, and goes with a lot of stuff. It also is has great polar extremes. On one side it gets flushed down the toilet, and on the other it gets devoured in an ice cream cone. On another side it gets your car dirty, and on the other it can start your day. On another side you get Chris Brown, and on the other you get James Brown. Brown is great. And, I think UPS would agree whole-heartedly.

Enjoy brown:

What can brown do for you? (Stop doing commercials with some guy writing on white boards)

For shame Chris. For shame.

"Yeah! Oooow!" That's probably what he just said.

Awwww.

Capuccino or hot chocolate. Take your pick.

The best part of waking up...

Most women would not be able to function without it. And I would kill for it.

How now brown trout?

Campbell has brown hair too.

And this lady has brown clothes (but has no name).

Rain Funnies

So it's raining today in Provo, so I decided to share some funny rain pictures, images, etc. I took some of them from ihasahotdog.com and icanhascheezburger.com and the rest I found.

Nice. He's so happy.

Brilliant.

I loved this one.

I always wondered the same thing.

Sad.

Why is it animals are so funny in the rain?

Some cat owner has serious issues.

This could be you jeep owners. Make sure you clearance is as high as your cajones are big.

A Day in Pictures

So today I'm not writing a blog post. I'm painting a strange mosaic with unrelated and ridiculous pictures. Some are funny, some are just sick. Enjoy.

This walrus is ashamed. Clearly he's overweight.

My only friend.

This makes more sense than you know.

A good friend of mine

I never saw it coming. Came out of nowhere.

G.I. Joe!

I did.

Oh Silly Hans, you're so silly. 

This is what the Yankees do to people

Sick.

He's an erudite ape.

Drunken pony rider

Drunken bulldog who happens to wear Calvin Klein

Bizarre.

This is how to walk a dog. Not lazy at all.

This is definitely not lazy.

Normal.

Augh!

What a handsome face

A real man's man.

HA.

Reminds me of a buddy of mine.

George Clinton, your hair is awesome. And, your awesome is hair.

Delicious.

If you don't get this watch Dune. This is friggin' hilarious.

I hope my children make podcasts.

Aww. Corn dogs are so cute.

He's having so much fun.