Friday, May 23, 2008

I killed a baby giraffe.

So of course I hunted and killed many exotic animals at the wild animal park. And my favorite one to kill was a baby giraffe. It's mom kept making hawing noises and hitting me with her hooves, but I got the shot off. I'm mounting it on my wall.

In other news I went surfing this morning. I went to Huntington Beach. It was overcast and sprinkling from time to time. The surf was horrible. There were no consistent sets; it was very choppy and two "do-gooders" almost ran off with my surfboard and bag while I was out carving what pipe I could find. However, the water temperature was good. 61 degrees. I loved it. The temperature that is. I'm betting tomorrow will be better as we head towards Big Sur and ride some stuff on the central California coast. We'll stop by Morro Bay, Cayucos, and maybe San Simeon.

A little word to the wise for romantics: Don't wait for people. If your boyfriend says he's going away for two years, kiss him goodbye and look elsewhere. There are too many good eggs in this basket we call earth to waste your life away waiting for a nice speckled brown egg to come back to hatch and roost with you. It's stupid. Even if you do "wait for him, " which to me is absolute BS, you will probably go out with other guys, have other relationships and live your life. So, don't look at me funny when I think you're a complete moron for dumping your boyfriend, saying no to James Bond and trying to get back together with this guy who's been away for two years. First, it's stupid. Second, you broke up for no good reason. Second again, you broke two hearts at least. Third, you don't even know if the guy you waited for is the same one you are trying to get back with. And fourth, you are a different person too. Don't cut yourself short. There are always more fish in the sea and life is worth living. Don't wait. Carpe Diem! But at the same time, if you do wait and it doesn't work out...c'est la vie. You can't always get what you want, but if you try some time, you get what you need. I heard that somewhere before....

Thursday, May 22, 2008

I know you like pictures. Who doesn't? But when you're reading my
blog, the pictures certainly aren't worth a thousand words. Perhaps a
chuckle or a grunt, but not a thousand words. However, I would say
that each one of my words is equal to roughly a thousand pictures. I
paint this blog with strokes of an idiot savant/comedic genius. Some
savants can sculpt perfect replicas of animals with their teeth and a
ball of clay, others can help you cheat at black jack (like in the
movie Rainman), while others, like myself, can entertain you with
remarkably crafted blogmanship.

Yes, that is a word. I am that good. I just made up the word
blogmanship and you know exactly what it means. It epitomizes the
essence of greatness in blogospheric prose.

On another note, last night I slept in an Albertson's parking lot in
Ramona, California. And today I am going to the Wild Animal Park in
Escondido to hunt water buffalo and elephants.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

The New Draft!

Due to new demands on the military and low recruitment numbers, the President has re-instituted the draft. And there is no beer involved this time. Anyone who's name rhymes with Dick, Rupert or Marv is now called from the spinny wheel thingy. And all of you draft dodgers from Vietnam who lived in Canada for the war, or those of who still call yourselves Canuks are now called to report to service. This also means wildlife. All moose, geese, and pheasants must get in line too. Mounty's behind them.

The draft will go on indefinitely as the President sees fit. Don't cry about it; you can still bring your Molson Ice and maple syrup. You will be assigned to report to Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. Your mission will be to fight the enemy. The enemy being either the Cubans or whoever we have imprisoned there without cause. Good luck men. Serve with honor and you will get extra rations of beans and Marlboro lights.

Monday, May 19, 2008

I love Big Tobacco

Something that I will never understand is how the government decides to punish one industry to such a degree and then turns a blind eye to one that can be just as bad. The issue I speak of is the massive settlement that big tobacco had to pay to the states and the people that it "tricked," and the fact the big alcohol hasn't paid a dime in that kind of a class-action suit.

First off, if you smoke, and you got cancer, you did it to yourself. There have been surgeon general's warnings on cigarettes since the 60s. It's like blaming Little Debbie for being overweight. You have to take some responsibility. But, given the precedent that occurred, with Phillip Morris doling out hundreds of billions to smokers and states to fund ads against themselves and create anti-smoking clubs and clinics, it seems only fitting that we should also scrutinize alcohol (and any other industry that may be harmful to your health).

Alcoholism is a prevalent and destructive disease that destroys families and individual lives, yet, alcohol companies only have to put the words "drink responsibly" at the end of their commercial instead of "may cause fetal alcohol sydrome, dependency, alcoholism or severe complications for those who take heart medicine." And why is that? Because the alcohol lobby has been lining the pockets of congress for years. The Busch family has many good friends in Washington, and most likely has better litigators, so Budweiser gets the stamp of approval just like Coors, Mike's Hard Lemonade, or any other brand. It's not fair. People need to know the truth. Just as there are truth ads about tobacco, there need to be truth ads about alcohol. We want a more educated populace right? Then let's stop allowing them to be mislead by big alcohol. They do a great job with commercials. I openly admit that beer and rum commercials are some of the best on TV. But, it's very misleading. Captain Morgan isn't going to turn you into Jack Sparrow, or the Captain, or any other pirate super hero. The Coors Light vent is only going to allow you to drink more and faster and when you think of budweiser they want you to think hops and clydesdales, not red necks in wife beaters. But you know better.

And this isn't just about alcohol either, you can poke yourself in the eye with a pen. Let's sue BIC! You can get fat off of twinkies. Let's sue hostess! You can hurt yourself wearing some lingerie. Let's sue Victoria's Secret! You can get shocked putting a fork in a toaster. Let's sue GE! You can get into a car accident. Let's sue all the car companies! I think you get my point. We live in a sue-happy society. Frivolous lawsuits started with the lady and her hot coffee spilling on her from McDonalds. So what? Deal with it. You bought the coffee, read the label that the contents were hot and spilled it on yourself. But of course it was McDonald's fault. But, seeing as we can't take back the lawsuit against big tobacco or McDonalds, we might as well just balance it by suing everyone else to make it fair. Makes perfect sense. The hops did it.

Sunday, May 18, 2008

Notice my haircut! Vanity.

When I get a haircut, I don't really do it for myself. If I can still see, it's good enough. But, - and this came as a surprise to me as well as it might to you - other people care. They like it when I'm neat and preened and looking like a super metro or some guy out of the fifties (like Dennis the Menace or Leave it to Beaver). And I'm not going to disappoint. I like being whipped around like a Hebrew slave. It keeps me in shape, hauling all those sandstone blocks with a perfectly styled coiffeur. I have to maintain balance, and constantly check my hair in bathroom mirrors and car windows. I do it for the people. I'm not vain. I just give the people what they want. They want a slick doo. Well I can deal with that.

I used to only do it for weddings, graduations and church, but now I see I can cow tow to the pressure of the masses and have my fo-hawk or messed up look and become a savior to the people. I mean, let's be honest, people are mostly ugly. And, if I can make this world a more attractive place by getting a haircut and styling my hair like a Hollister model, then I'm gonna do it. I'm in it for the ugly people. Like Roseanne, Rosie O'Donnell, Danny DeVito, Joe Pesci and maybe a friend or relative of yours. I'm that altruistic. I'm in it for the little guy. I'm in it for the bald guy. I'm in it for people with nappy hair. I'm in it for you.