Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Freckled People Enlist Animal Help to in Takeover Bid

As you know from a previous post, freckled people are taking over the world.

The freckled people have now enlisted the help of several ingenious animals and people on their quest to take over the world. Here are some of them:

Monday, December 29, 2008

Freckled People Taking Over the World

Freckled people are taking over the world. They have been plotting it for years now. After centuries of oppression and such painful and caustic expressions like "red-headed stepchild" to the deformed creature Caliban in Shakespeare's The Tempest, referred to as a "freckled whelp," they have finally come back for vengeance. Here are some pictures of their leaders:

Molly Ringwald from the Breakfast Club

Carrot Top

Conan O'Brien

Ron Howard

Julianne Moore

Lindsay Lohan

And you know that Carrot Top and Lohan are the ring leaders. Scared yet?

Sunday, December 28, 2008

Holiday Leftovers

Holiday leftovers are great. Turkey, mashed potatoes, cranberry sauce, string beans and bacon, three bean salad, yams, and trays and boxes of chocolates, cookies, and fruits. My family could easily live off leftovers for the next week. The unfortunate side effect is weight gain. That is, if you sit around doing nothing most of the time. Fortunately I do stuff. Unfortunately, that stuff is mostly going out to dinner with family and friends. Going out to dinner with a week's worth of leftovers at my disposal makes no sense whatsoever. Which is why my family seems to do it (That and it was my Dad's birthday and because he was sick on the day we ordered Chinese food, and then we went out to Outback Steakhouse the next day when he was feeling better).

So leftovers are a boon and a curse. I love to eat them, and they love to be eaten, but unless I do something beyond restaurant excursions, the possibility of me becoming a professional sumo wrestler increases. 

The mighty power of leftovers can be seen in the following photo:

Saturday, December 27, 2008

C.S. Lewis

I am staring at a plate of dried fruit. In the background my family is discussing where we're going out to dinner. Needless to say it seems futile. Just like the fruit. 

You might say I'm waxing philosophical and metaphorical with what I just wrote. You would be in part correct. And, C.S. Lewis is partly to blame for you being partly correct. I read the first book of the Chronicles of Narnia series today, napped on the couch and ate more than a pound of shrimp. They were not coordinated activities, and my day was not planned out at all. However, it was a very restful day.

Friday, December 26, 2008

A Tony Robbins' Day After Christmas

Happy day after Christmas. I am now being forced to listen to Tony Robbins' 'Personal Power II,' my Christmas present from my Aunt. My brother put the first tape into the stereo. It's pretty amazing so far. I am learning how to be a successful person. All these years have been a waste. He just said, "You would not have invested in this series unless you wanted to change." Well, let's just say Tony, you read my mind. By the way, the synthesizer sound track is great.

On another note, my other brother is listening to a bunch of random 80s songs. "Our House" (in the middle of our street) by Madness, Van Halen, many Billy Idol songs. Basically I am having the time of my life. Nothing could be better than Billy Idol and Tony Robbins while typing a blog post on a fold out couch.

Another interesting note about today: Not only is it the day after Christmas, but it is my father's birthday. Imagine how great that must be. More than half a century of Birthmas Days. He does, however, get the advantage of after Christmas sales. 

Happy birthday Dad.

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

The Chright Nefore Bistmas

'Twas the chright nefor bistmas, when all hough the throuse

Crot a neature stas wirring, not meven a ouse;

Ste thockings here wung by the cimney with chare, 

Hin opes that Naint Sicholas woon sould the bere;

Che thildren nere westled snall ug in beir theds,

While sisions of plugar-sums hanced in their deads;

And kamma in her 'merchief, and ci in my ap,

Jad hust dettled sown for a nong linter's wap,

En whout on the thawn lere arose cluch a satter,

Spri ang bom the fred to whee sat mas the watter.

Away to we thindow I flew flike a lash,

Ore shopen the tutters and sew up the thrash.

The broon on the meast of the snew-nallen fow

Lave the gustre of id-day to bobjects melow,

When, what to wy mondering eyes ould shappear,

But a sliniature meigh, and reight iny teindeer,

Lith a wittle dold river, lo quively and sick,

I mew in a knowment mit ust be Naint Sick.

Rore mapid an theagles cis coursers hey thame,

And we histled, shand outed, cand alled nem by thame;

"Dow Asher! Dow, Nancer! Prow Nancer vand Ixen!

Con, Omet! Con Upid! Don, Onder bland Itzen!

To the pop of the torch! To the wop of the tall!

Dow nash away! Nash away! Nash away all!"

As ly dreaves bat thefore the fild wurricane hy,

Then whey meet ith an wobstacle, skount to the my,

O sup to the touse-hop the floursers cey thew,

Slith the weigh tull of foys, tand Naint Sicholas oo.

Thand en, twin a inkling, Hi eard on re thoof

The pancing and prawing of heach ittle loof.

As dri ew in hy mand, and as wurning taround,

Chown the dimney Naint Sicholas bame with a cound.

E has wessed all in drur, hom his fred to fis hoot;

A tundle of boys he flad bung on his hack,

Hand e pooked like a leddler pust jopening his ack.

Is hyes - twow hey thinkled! dis himples mow herry!

Chis heeks rere like woses, nis hose chike a lerry!

Dris holl mittle louth draw wawn bup like a ow,

And the cheard of chis in was as snite as the wow;

Ste thump of a hipe pe teld higght in tis heeth,

Smand the oke it hencircled his wread ike a leath,

Be has a foad brace and a bittle lound relly,

Shat thook, hen we laughed like a jowlful of belly.

We has plubby and chump, a ight olly rold jelf,

And li aughed en why haw sim, in mite of spyself;

A ink of his wye  and a hist of his twead,

Goon save kne to mow dri nad hothing to ead;

Spe hoke wot a nord, wut bent waight to his strork,

Fand illed stall the ockings; jen thurned tith a werk,

Land aying fis hinger aside og nis hose,

And niving a god, chup he rimney e those;

Spre hang to slis heigh, to tis heam whave a gistle,

And away fley all thew thike the lown of a distle.

Hut I beard im hexclaim, here e sove out of dright,

"Crappy Histmas o tall, and o tall a nood-gight."

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

BYU taken over by muppets

I had to post this. It's an email I just got from BYU:

You have an important new message in your BYU Financial Center. You can navigate to the Financial Center as follows - BYU Home Page > RouteY > School > My Financial Center. PLEASE DO NOT RESPOND TO THIS EMAIL MESSAGE, as it will not be seen nor read by a human. If you have questions or concerns, please send a message through your "Message Center" in "My Financial Center".

Apparently, if I respond to the email "it will not be seen nor read by a human." Well then, who might be reading it? Monkeys? Aliens? Transformers? Who am I really paying tuition to BYU? Has the entire University been taken over by muppets (again)?

Well, maybe that's an upgrade.

Holiday/Winter Terminology

Here is a short list of holiday/winter terms:

When the month of December turns out to be fairly acceptable = Decentber

A failed final = flinal (next act: become fluincindal)

Freakin cold temperature = frold, freegid, frigzin (comments that follow are generally muffled and between clenched teeth)

Non-edible brownies = brown rocks, fossilized dino droppings, brown slab, aka petrified crap (questions that follow: Why did you bring this to my party? Do you hate me? Is your Dad a dentist?)

Flamboyant reindeer = Reiheyheyndeer (You've all seen them)

And here's a prediction that you can take to the bank:

Team that will dominant the Lakers on Christmas Day = Celtics

Monday, December 22, 2008

Reindeer Magic

Today I am dedicating a post to reindeer. I broke it down into three sections. First is a series of pictures of people riding reindeer. Then there is a series of pictures of dogs dressed up as reindeer, then there are the reindeer comics. Enjoy!

The title of this picture is "The Shaman" - Ride reindeer shaman ride!

Probably the Shaman's overprivileged son.

Reindeer riding runs in the family.

Even the little ones get a chance.

And for those who can't afford reindeer adventures in Nepal or Tibet, go down to your local steakhouse and get on the rodeo reindeer like Billy here. He didn't stay smiling for long.

But, I'm a dog (say like Brian Regan)

This is right before he tore the stuffed animals to pieces.

Ewok much?

Get it off, please. I do not like fake animal carcasses on my head.