Armageddon!

I've heard a lot of people talk about how Armageddon is at hand because of the global financial collapse, pirates, Jesus moving into the White House, and even 200 narwhals getting trapped by encroaching winter ice. Well, I'm feeling a bit left out of the mix. So, I'm joining the chorus that believes Armageddon is upon us. Why, the moon even is turning red (when I look through my 3D glasses).

Here are some reasons to believe the end is near:

1. There is a huge pile of leaves in my front yard and no trees nearby

2. The entire BYU campus is being taken over by deer and quail

3. I don't have a car

4. global cooling - Narwhals trapped in ice and citrus crops plagued by frost

5. global warming - the Sahara desert is taking over the world

6. Androids are taking over (Haley Joel Osment)

7. Hillary Clinton is going to be Secretary of State

8. My room mate is a pirate

9. My front door is broken

10. I nearly choked on a granola bar the other day

11. Chavez is my next door neighbor

12. The book Twilight was made into a feature film

13. Sylvester Stallone made another Rambo film at 60 years old

14. No American in their right mind would by an American car

15. Iran is rounding up spy pigeons to be executed (last year it was squirrels)

16. Pandas are biting people who want to hug them

17. The new James Bond movie wasn't as good as the last one

18. Harry Potter is on the Queen's short list as "heir apparent"

19. I asked for my eggs to be over easy and they were scrambled

20. Hillary Clinton will be my boss if I get into the Foreign Service

21. 1 out of every 5 people have had their brains removed by video games

22. The East is relevant again in the NBA with: Boston, Cleveland, Detroit, Orlando & Indianapolis

23. Michael Jordan is doing Hanes commercials with Charlie Sheen

24. Obama is eating more corned beef

25. The Weather Channel is laying people off

26. Kids are getting arrested for farting

27. The astronauts fixing the space station can't even drink their own urine when they want to

28. Walmart is not having success in Russia

29. Martha Stewart might get a Presidential pardon

30. Val Kilmer is well over 200 pounds:More incriminating evidence

Eating pigs cures cancer

I've always believed that pigs are magical. Scratch that. I've never believed that.

But they do have a special place by my heart. It's that place slightly below it that digests my food. I like to call it 'stomach.' Honey ham is delicious. Ham for the holidays. Mmmmm. But whether you like pigs in between two slices of bread, or whether you wish you had a little pig running around your house instead of a dog, pigs are great.

And, if their succulent meat and intelligence level (higher than both dogs and cats) were not enough, a new study came out shows that eating them cures cancer. That's right. Eating ham and cheese sandwiches, a bag of pork rinds, a platter of pork chops, or even chewing on your dog's pig ear chew toy will save you from cancer. Cancer that you probably already have from using a microwave. Cancer that you got from sunbathing too long. Cancer that you were born with (like when your favorite sibling called you a cancer).

At this point you're wondering, "What chemical agent is it in pigs that saves us from cancer?" My answer: All of them. You are just going to have to accept the fact that Brazilian cannibals were right. You become what you eat. They used to eat only the most valiant and ferocious warriors so they could take on their strength and ability. Well, with pigs it is no different. You eat them and you become delicious and intelligent. And, because pigs are generally cancer free, you also become cancer free.

Voila! Bon apetite! Pass the bacon.

Easily Entertained

There are many characteristics that we find admirable in a person. We admire wit, intelligence, grace, determination, ambition, style, choice in sweaters (or one's choice not to wear them), quality of smile, robustness of girth, and many more.

But one which is more often overlooked is the ability to be easily entertained. In essence, it is to be able to be satisfied with the trivial, silly, inane, or perhaps slapstick of life. It is to get over one's depth for the sake of good old shallowness. It is the joy to be found in the superficial (I think a lot of women can relate to this). So that no one feels slighted let me give some examples: pictures of puppies and kittens, flower arrangements, cell phone games (like bejeweled), reading comics, jumping in leaves, eating raw cookie dough, writing nonsensical poetry and/or blogs, watching pet fish, staring at a freshly painted wall, psychoanalyzing your sane friends, crossword puzzles, and bingo.

Now you may recall that I have written about our tendency to distract ourselves almost endlessly with distraction and how that can be bad. However, this case is slightly nuanced. To be able to entertain oneself with the trivial is a survival mechanism. It's not something we do to avoid the big questions, but rather something we do in the mean time. For instance, at a dinner party you're not going to go up to some random person you've never met and say, "Do you believe life begins at conception?" You most likely will start of with, "That gravy is delicious, reminds me of my mom's home cooking." Then of course you can take that start into a conversation about your inner-child, but most likely it will stay on the level of un-intrusive triviality.

My point is that a self-contained person is a good person. If you can entertain yourself with little stuff, you are healthy. It does not mean you are forever trapped in a puddle of meaninglessness, but it means you have the tact and relaxed enough attitude to splash and find joy in the puddle without calling that same puddle into question, or ceasing to believe there is an ocean. 

So friends, let us frolic. 

What happened to Thanksgiving?

There are a lot of things to like about Utah. Let me start with that. There are mountains, valleys, canyons and plenty of crazy people full of beans. However, there is something recently that has me a bit disappointed.

Thanksgiving hasn't even happened yet and every local shop, town, and even houses are lit up and decorated like it's Christmas Eve. This used to be taboo, bad luck, a cardinal sin. Now, just like the ever expanding election season, Christmas is encroaching. Big time.

Walmart has had trees and lights up for more than 2 weeks. My room mate went to her friend's Grandma's house to put up Christmas lights this past weekend. And down on main street in Provo tinsel and ornaments adorn the street lamps. 

Not one turkey. Not one random colored gourd. No pumpkin pie. No pilgrims. No indians. No cranberry sauce. WTF?!?!?! I know Utah is far away from the original Plymouth colony with the Pilgrims and the Thanksgiving Feast, but I'm pretty sure its a NATIONAL holiday. At least give it a DAY of your precious time. Put up some fall colors, dress like a pilgrim or an indian, eat turkey, watch football, be with family. BUT don't, I repeat DO NOT put up Christmas decorations before Thanksgiving. That is sacrilege. 

Unfortunately I do not think this trend is relegated to Utah. Across this beautiful bounteous land that we can be thankful for, everyone is giving Thanksgiving the shaft. The retailers think they're being clever. They hope to cash in early on what promises to be a pretty dismal Christmas season. Maybe their mentality is, "Well if no one's going to buy anything because of the bad economy, I better extend the time for them to think about Christmas in hopes that the dupe themselves into thinking they actually have money." It's wrong. 

First off, Christmas* did not used to be a holiday where all we thought about was buying useless crap to give to people. It used to be a holiday of cheer, love, pine trees, Jesus, and mistletoe. Now it's a materialistic, superficial sack. And that sack is taking over a much less tainted holiday: Thanksgiving. We don't get or give presents on Thanksgiving. We spend time together as families and friends, remembering all the wonderful things, people, and the life we have been blessed with. We gorge ourselves in sumptuous 15 part meals and lounge around, or play sports, nap or talk. It's a wonderful holiday to remember what really matters in life.

Viva Thanksgiving! Turkey Empowerment! Eat more pie! Sleep for an entire day! Make love not Christmas!

*PS - I still love Christmas, in its own time, done the right way.

Gum you can eat

At least one time in your life you got it in your hair. Or, perhaps you swallowed it. Or, maybe you stepped on it, felt it under a desk, or even more commonly chewed it. 

Some people love it. To other people it is the bane of their existence. The biggest causer of their least favorite pet peeve. It is gum. It comes in more flavors than I actually have seen in real food. There's mint mojito, sangria, pineapple-melon, peppermint, cinastick, grape, strawberry-banana, sweet mint, and the classic bazooka joe bubble gum flavor. 

For many people it quenches a need. It staves off hunger, and makes your breath smell better than rotten garbage morning breath. And, for those same people, while they chew it, they might imagine that they're actually eating. And, perhaps in their mind they wish they could eat that delicious bubble gum. Well, now they can.

There is bubble gum yogurt and sandwich spread. No longer is it taboo to swallow gum. That's what this stuff is made for. It's even packed with vitamins and stuff so not only does it not have a negative effect like ordinary gum might have, but it in fact has a positive one. It's like the new peanut butter really. Soon it'll be used in brownies, and no doubt pies, cakes, cookies, and every other kind of delicacy. You might find it in your turkey this Thanksgiving, or you might find your filet mignon marinated in it. Mmmm. I bet that makes your mouth water. 

But, what happens to regular gum? Now that you can do what you always wanted to do - eat and swallow your gum - does gum have value anymore? Will you still feel satisfied chewing it? Will you mix things up and forget that not all gum is food? Will you boycott real gum? Is real gum really real? What makes a gum a gum? The very ontology of gum comes into question. It's a debacle.

It will most likely start an epidemic. People will be writhing in the streets extending their hands to the heavens for mercy, all the while choking on gum. People who chew with their mouths open will do so at their own peril. The homeless and those looking for a meal might start some more invasive procedures to fill their belly. Gum snatching could be considered a new crime. People who run out of money after paying their rent might just wait under park benches or movie theater seats.

Are we ready for gum yogurt? Are we ready for gum spread? Perhaps not.

Eric Clapton Loses Rock Tourney to Fourth Grader

They are springing up all over. 

They came with the advent of a clever video game called 'Guitar Hero,' and later exploded with the game 'Rock Band.' What I speak of, are tournaments. Only a short decade ago the only thing one could enter into was an air guitar concert, but now, we can have massive Rock Band and Guitar Hero tournaments with lights, sounds, buttons and a living room full of people who could never play a real instrument if their life depended on it. 

Guitar Hero came complete with a plastic guitar, buttons and a seemingly endless sequence of patterns that showed up on the TV screen when an Alice in Chains song was selected from the library of rock hits. Then, Rock Band upped the ante with multiple plastic guitars, drums, vocals, and all your other essentials for a completely virtual and synthesized band. 

So, it is in this new environment that the likes of Eric Clapton are left to compete. Over the weekend in Devonshire, England, Clapton signed up with some of his old buddies from Cream to play in a Rock Band concert. The concert was sponsored by Little Winky's Videogame Megastore (a place where all people who lack real world skill can go to pretend they do). 

First they went up against a 4th grader named Martin and his buddies from Rudyard Elementary. The first song up was "Sunshine of Your Love," and it promised to be in the bag for Clapton and his old band, having written it in 1968. However, it turned out that time away from playing together, and anything remotely approaching video game literacy allowed Martin and the Rudyard Elementary students to dominate the legend.

"I was really impressed by those kids. I think they have a bright future ahead of them in the rock business. That drummer they had was pretty kick ---. Ginger Baker was pretty jealous of him. That's all I'm going to say," said Clapton.

When asked how they felt to beat a rock legend Martin replied for himself and his bandmates:

"He looked pretty old. When he put those pills in his mouth and started spinning around the room I thought he was gonna croak. He didn't even hold onto the guitar right."

Second on the list was a group of soccer moms, one of which claimed to be Martin's mother. Slightly embarrassed, Martin slinked over to the corner of the room and claimed not to know her. Still primed and ready to roll, Clapton and the rest of Cream were ready for the next challenge. The next song seemed to be just as promising as the first. It was another Cream song as luck would have it: "I Feel Free."

Clapton was ready this time. During the break between battles he had attached some rubber bands to his Rock Band guitar so that he had something that resembled more of a guitar than a children's toy. Baker had grabbed an empty box to serve as his bass drum, and Jack Bruce taped a real mic to the video game one. However, the results were the same. Although the music sounded a little better, the soccer moms came off looking like Rock Goddesses.

"D--- man, I thought I saw a halo around at least 2 of 'em. That lady has pipes. I can see why her son's football team is undefeated," said Bruce.

Martin's Mom responded:  

"It was fun. I'm glad to put Martin in his place. I told him if we beat his band he has to paint my toes and go to bed every night at 7pm."

In the end, Martin prevailed over his mother and Clapton and his mates went to a local pub for a nightcap. Neither had changed. And we can thank God for that.

Sunday Delight

Well, today has been an interesting Sunday. I was awakened early by the unfortunate effects of eating too many chicken wings the night before. However, looking on the bright side, I was reacquainted with an old friend: the porcelain throne. After an agonizing morning from 7-10am, and having gone to bed only shortly after 2am the previous night, I crawled into bed for a little while to get at least some beauty rest.

It was short-lived. I couldn't get any rest, and what I did get went by too quickly.

I decided to just spring out of bed and embrace the day. I went to my computer and it wouldn't turn on. At all. I tried everything, short of voodoo incantation (As luck would have it, that worked later). So I wasn't able to write a blog post until only a short while ago. And now, I'm beginning to think the quality of this blog post is a bit lacking. I apologize. I was going to write about how Eric Clapton lost a 'Rock Band' competition recently, but I'll save that for tomorrow.

For your enjoyment here's a clip from Kids In the Hall.