What I Should Have Written in the Family Christmas Letter

At some point you have either written, received, or been unwittingly exploited by a family Christmas letter. The typical format gives about a paragraph or so to each person in the family. This time around I thought over some possibilities for my entry.

Option #1:

Michael told us in a letter last week that he's doing really well at rehab. He and his new friend Bob saved Margaret from slitting her wrists last wednesday. He has also converted to Judaism and has become lactose intolerant. Merry Christmas.

Option #2:

Michael is surfing in Vanuatu as you read this. He has started a new company that sells exotic fruit juice and smoothies and writes political satire on his successful blog (and is also a major contributor to the New York Times, the Washington Post, and advises Obama on strategy on Thursdays). He is also making real estate investments in northeastern Brazil and has purchased an island off the coast of Spain.

Option #3:

Michael is currently single. He enjoys long walks on tropical beaches after sumptuous romantic meals complete with candles and rose pedals. He is also not averse to bubble baths. His number is 657-123-4567.

Fortunately I wrote something way better than all of that, but you won't get to read it unless you're on the family Christmas letter mailing list.

Since I've Been Gone...

Today I am no longer calling my co-writers co-writers. I am calling them occasional contributors (those occasions possibly being Easter, Christmas, or when they take a new census in the US).

I am a lone man on the Satire Report. Even perhaps a lone wolf. 

Some interesting things to happen since my last post:

*The Chinese planted soybeans on the moon.

*Kim Jong Il turned into an immortal cyborg, using a nuclear reactor that was supposed to be used in a missile test.

*Lance Armstrong won the Tour de France 7 more times and then mooned French Reporters in Paris.

*Monkeys from Gibraltar have taken over the city, one has made himself 'Emperor of the Rock'.

*Joe Biden literally put both his feet in his mouth in a yoga class in downtown Wilmington.

*Nothing else happened.

Good Blogs and Bad Blogs

I think, generally speaking, updating your blog is a good thing. However, some of the more popular blogs are starting to irk me a bit with the amount of updates and posts they put up on a daily basis (hopefully some of you readers feel the same way about this blog). I've tried to keep it to a post a day, but on occasion I've skipped because I'm just not always feeling it. Well, I'm trying to force myself to feel it more often (do not take that out of context).

Blogs used to suck. And, in fact, most of them  still do. That is, unless you are some avid personal historian who loves to hear the mundane day-to-day of several million less than exciting average everyday people. Thank goodness for failblog and awkwardfamilyphotos and lolcatz and satire blogs like the onion and this one. They will give you more than your fill of inane drivel and hilarious things that don't make sense. And really, isn't that what we all want? To be entertained? If a blog is not entertaining, why the heck are you going to read it? To catch up? To make yourself feel less guilty when your friend asks you if they've read your blog? 

For shame. 

You should read a blog because it is interesting, and because the writer is a) creative b) funny c) not going to tell you a play-by-play of every waking moment of their boring life or d) because you like the pictures/movies and random media tidbits. I hope I have done my job. Those are my two cents. Don't spend it all in one place (unless it is this blog), and then I say you read and enjoy all the posts, click a million times on all of the ads, and even buy things you find interesting. Or, you can do whatever the heck you want, which you'll probably do anyway.

A lovely sampling from failblog

And a great sampling from awkwardfamilyphotos

And a bit from lolcatz

And the ever so classy - The Onion

Cardboard. Coming to a Grocery Store Near You

Apparently there is some massive subculture out there that advocates eating cardboard. I only discovered this today as I searched for random pictures that would hopefully incite riots of bewilderment. Here is a link to a website that sells shirts promoting the consumption of cardboard. I guess, in a nonsensical way, it makes sense. I mean, it's better that we eat cardboard than it eat us.

These people have already been consumed by cardboard. Don't let it happen to you or someone you love.

This could be your cardboard overlord.

Eat him before it's too late.

As it turns out, eating cardboard is also better for the environment. You produce less harmful bi-products, and don't have to worry about eating lots of other stuff. It thereby reduces farm costs (to zero), eliminating the need for irrigation (saving water), and allowing all livestock to roam free. It then frees up farmers to make more cardboard. Yay! And if that weren't enough, you will shed those extra pounds in no time. Dreams really do come true. With cardboard.

Flappy is the mascot of the cardboard council. He teaches children to eat more cardboard.

Farewell to a great backup writer: Jimbo

Well, I just lost my main backup writer (my bro who went by Jimbo) for this blog for 2 years. He left this morning, and won't have another post on this blog for a long time now. But, he's not dead, he's just going to Siberia. So, that being said, let us dig up some of his work:

The Most Stylish Letter of 2009

Don't Look Down

Bad Milk

Mmmm, mmm...scrumptilitious

Now Hiring

Remember, remember February 14th!

New Release!

The Real Robot Revenge: Part 3

The Real Robot Revenge: Part 2

The Real Robot Revenge: Part 1

Thanks Jimbo. You always did us proud here at the Satire Report. May you come back full of strength, spirit, vitality, complete fluency in Russian, and funnier jokes.

Dasvedanya.

P.S. - He always loved this clip:

Best Onion Moments

This story about monkeys is probably my all time favorite.



What the little girls says at the end is wonderfully quotable.



I never leave home without one.



I don't know about you, but I'm pretty excited for the sequel.

Abu Dhabi buys New York.

Well here's some good news for those of you who think there isn't any: Abu Dhabi, the massive middle eastern investment firm, has just bought the Chrysler building in New York. Yippeee!!!! There's nothing better than abusive sultans and their buddies who live off oil largesse buying up art deco icons that dominate the New York skyline, while most of their fellow countrymen starve. It's just so thrilling. I hear the next thing they're buying is the Washington Memorial. It will look so nice with an onion head hat on top of it (I always worried that someone would get hurt with that pointy spire).

But, I saw this glorious day coming. The Manhattan GM building was sold off to the Kuwaitis and Qataris weeks ago. I love it. With our real estate slump, these guys are a Godsend. I hope they replace the horse cops in New York with camel cops. That will be great. And maybe they'll sell flying carpets on street corners...and crazy gypsies will tell Shaharazade and her 1001 Nights to passers by. Living the dream New York. Living the dream.

Spring=Global Cooling

Spring.  What a misleading word for such a muddled and ambiguous time of year.  In the spring it's not always particularly warm, and it rains a lot.  I like rain.  But it's not warm rain.  It's cold rain, and for a couple of days this May at least, it was snow.  I mean, it didn't stick, but it was not as pleasant as some springs I remember back in the day.  Before global cooling.

That's right friends.  Sound the alarm.  This is our new crusade.  Global cooling.  If it weren't for all of our potato, fast-food eating and overall flatulence and gas guzzling, we would be even closer to the precipice of the next ice age.  But, fortunately, the more greenhouse gas we can contribute, the better.  That's the only thing saving us from a catastrophic global freeze.  

Solar activity has been at a near standstill for several months now, and if it continues much longer, we're in deep doo doo.  So I encourage you all to drive more, burn mountains of tires in your backyard, start a cattle farm and eat more potatoes and fast food.  At least then, just maybe spring will have a little more bounce in it.  Maybe, just maybe it will be a pleasant 70 degree day, rather than 30s and 40s and overcast with a chance of snow.  If you aren't worried about global cooling, you hate the environment.  End of story.

Humor?

Well I've been less than regular on this blog. But, with school kicking into high-gear again I'm just trying to get adjusted. And, to be honest I don't even know if I really do have any regular readers for this little diatribe spot I do anyway. Clearly not all of my wanderings have been satirical, or even good writing. But, I hope in general I have kept those who read this entertained.

On that line of thought I wanted to write a little about what entertains people. Tastes in humor. For instance, here in Utah a lot of people are attracted to the cookies and gum drops kind of positivistic mush humor that you might find on 'Blue's Clues' or 'Sesame Street'. And, when I'm really tired, or with the right company I might even manage to wrangle up a muffled chuckle or giggle, but for the most part I just don't get it. I just would rather leave PBS and puppets for the kids. My humor, as you may have gathered, tends to be observational, practical and has plenty of sarcastic undertones. Some may think I'm bitter or cynical, but my view is that if you can't laugh at yourself and the silly stuff that happens all around you from minute to minute, you're just not gonna last that long. I'm an optimist, but I don't think we need to put tutus on cats or talk like we're five year olds to get by. What is needed, is a vision. A vision of today, tomorrow and what could be. Always looking out beyond the next hill, bend or banana peel. And, if there's still some banana left in it, then all the better.