The Yellow School Bus Takes a Pit Stop at a Navy Warship

So there I was, plodding the corridors of a grey, metallic, slightly aged warship with 15 little kids in tow. It wasn't the first tour I'd given of our fabulous frigate, but definitely one of the youngest tour groups. I did my best to explain the Central Contol Station, the messdecks, the Combat Information Center, and the Bridge in the most layman of laymen's terms (that might not baffle too many 10-12 year olds). But after (and even during) the tour, several of my fellow shipmates said things like, "Seriously? You think they understand the word 'integrated' or 'frequency'?" or "You explained how energy and waves work?" or "Latitude and Longitude?" "I barely could spell my own name, much less solve for 'x' when I was their age."

Really? Really America? Really anyone? I thought my childhood was fairly normal, but I'm pretty sure I would have been intrigued about waves, energy, and I definitely knew the word 'integrated'. Was I a smart kid? Yes. Was I the neighborhood bio-nerd/vet because I memorized entire Audubon society books on reptiles, amphibians, and other critters? Yes. Did I get IQ tested and go to "The Gifted and Talented Program"? Yes. But so what? Kids need to try harder. Kids love new cool information that they've never heard before. People in general have an insatiable appetite for knowledge. It's the information age. I bet you half of those kids had cell phones and that same half probably hasn't read a book over 100 pages. I'm just doing my part to reduce the number of retards (in the appropriate sense of the word; ie: someone who could be smart or above average but has been a slacker because of bad education, choices, environment or Naval Officers babying them on warship tours with kindergarten coloring questions rather than something stimulating). So, you're welcome kids.

It was a fun tour though. The guns and the bridge got the biggest "ooos" and "aaahs". You would expect that. Internal comms were fun to mess with too, especially when people are working in the engineering spaces and they hear a 10 year old say "I like chocolate milk" on the sound-powered 2J circuit while they're trying to do maintenance on the lube oil purifier.

The Internet is Sucking Out Our Brains.

(Yes, the brainsucking monster represents the internet)

Ok, I've milled this over a little bit.

Turns out, the Satire Report isn't generating the same kind of interest it used to. Some of this might be because I'm not longer in college or because most college kids aren't bored enough at school to read it (assuming they are my demographic), or because I just suck at writing. Perhaps I've lost my edge (assuming I ever had an edge). It might also be because I'm not as consistent as I once was (I'm willing to bet that's a large part of it). However, the truth is, most of the people who "visited" this site, just came for the pictures. People in the internet age don't have the attention spans to read whole articles (unless you have no life like me). In fact, most of my "readers" probably stopped reading this blog post after the first sentence (I know, unfair stereotyping, but c'mon, what did you expect?)

But there is a greater risk here. Sure, you might be disappointed if I stopped doing this blog (more likely you wouldn't care either way), but I think the person I would most disappoint would be myself. Why is that? Because I am unnecessarily addicted (connected, wired, glued, take your pick) to the internet. I spend WAY too much time reading articles, posting them on facebook, changing my twitter status, watching highlights and reading articles on ESPN.com, checking my mail, and basically living often times vicariously through online social networking mediums. What is happening? I'll tell you what is happening. The internet is sucking the life out of me. The online world is sapping my brain juice and feeding it to either the Matrix, the Deceptocons, or Bill Nye the Science Guy (possibly all of them).

(This woman is clearly being attacked by the internet)

But I guess it wouldn't bother me so much if I were the only sufferer of this brain-sapping, life-altering plague. There are more of us online social networking, blogging, article-reading zombies! We think we shape the world around us with our tweets and article reviews, but in truth we're just doing it out of lack of creativity, invention, or willingness to do something else that is probably more worthwhile anyway (That's not to say I don't workout, go running, eat things, go to parties, hang out, read books, play sports, try to get gainful employment, etc). But I could definitely limit my internet usage. I could call an old buddy on the phone (maybe go through all my phone contacts and delete the ones that hate me, or that I will never call). I could read several books. I could get some friends together and do something crazy MORE often. I could learn a couple more Italian and Brazilian food recipes. I could go surfing more. I could work at a real job (pending me receiving an offer) more. I could bone up on my Spanish, make abstract sculptures out of scrap sheet metal, finger paint with my toes, butt and ears, or build a sailboat. All good options. Oh, and I used to write more poetry. I could get back to that.

BAM! Look at all the non-internet stuff that I can do! And you can do. As Captain Planet (the environmentalist brainwashing tool that tainted our youth) would say: "The power is YOURS!" Or as G.I. Joe would say: "Now you know. And knowing is half the battle." Or as Larry the Cable Guy would say: "Get R Done!"

(Oh Captain Planet, you've destroyed the minds of so many little children. And to little guy that says, "heart" - you were unfairly ridiculed)

Toothpicks Saved My Mouth

Aha moments are great. For instance, have you ever been reading a ton of articles online, or been tweeting on your PDA phone, then switched for a older ancestor on paper and then all of the sudden realized, "What are these strange things called books...I like them," or "Shoot I never knew I could read this stuff in a printed newspaper!"?

Well a similar thing has happened to me recently. I brush and floss regularly. Some of you might be happy to hear that. Well, for as much as I brush and floss there always seems to be a little spot or two of tarter I cannot get a handle on. I had tried everything. From several different varieties of floss, toothpaste, and toothbrushes, to alien dentists and jackhammers. Well, none of those strategies worked. So as I was leaving a restaurant in Georgetown, I asked the waitress for some wet naps and toothpicks. They didn't have wet naps so she heated up a napkin for me (not unlike hot towels on airlines when you are flying first class, which I haven't yet). But it was the toothpicks that were the revelation. When I tried to get the tarter off... VOILA! Turns out a mint flavored splinter took care of business in no time. Well, now I'm going to make sure toothpicks are a staple with my other dental hygiene products.

And now, cool toothpick sculptures:

yeah.

Too much time on your hands. Get a life.

Awesome!

Toothpicks. Who knew? 

PS - Shut up if you knew. It was rhetorical.

Who can say no to a product packaged with green lips called hotlix?

Science proves you weren't an idiot

You know when you hold some 'common sense' belief and then later in your life some academic study comes out and confirms it? Well, it's about to happen to you again. Remember when you were a kid? No? Yes? Still trying to forget? Well, as a kid perhaps you, at one point in your life, went to the beach. Perhaps you didn't. Either way, my hope is that a some point you found a shell and for some inexplicable reason put it up to your ear (maybe your parents, older sibling, or a scientist told you to do it, or maybe you're just a little genius). What you were probably told, or most likely discovered, is that it sounds like there is another ocean in the shell when you hold it up to your ear. Well, recently, and the Oregon Institute of Saberhagen, scientists discovered that this long held theory is actually true. There is indeed another ocean inside seashells.

Dr. Pietrov Ivanovich, head scientist of the 'Little Shell, Little Ocean' project had this to say:

"For many years I was conned into believing that what I was hearing in the shell was the echo of my own blood pumping. I was always dissatisfied with that answer. It was just unappealing. I needed a sexier answer. I needed to believe in love again. I needed to rediscover my inner child."

And discover he did. Using state-of-the-art ultrasound equipment and a spare wormhole and stethoscope that were lying around in a storage closet, Dr. Ivanovich and his team discovered that there is another ocean inside seashells. "Some naysayers will say, 'Oh yeah, but what about the animal that lived in the shell? Wouldn't it drown?' That's just silly. It's a sea creature, of course it wouldn't drown. And, it's not much different than a person who lives by the beach having a pool. It's like having two copies of the same book in different places so you can read it wherever you go, except, unlike books, this ocean is portable," said Dr. Elaine Fischer, one of the scientists on hand.

(This is doctor Fischer enjoying her little ocean)

After Dr. Fischer's remarks I reminded her that books are portable. She looked at me like I had three eyes, which, apparently is true, but I also think that she didn't know books were portable until that moment. However, regardless of her book portability innocence, she did get a firm handshake and some loving hugs from school children and kids who never grew up everywhere. We always knew it. Thanks for proving it. Seashells do have oceans inside them.

(That's not a shell, but a chocolate bunny, which has an ocean of chocolate inside of it)

Stop and smell the Roses

Paraphrasing T. S. Eliot, we are becoming 'distracted from distraction by distraction.'  And it is a worrying trend. All the world is a stage, and there are no players. People are much more content doing everything and nothing at the same time. Children and adults alike have no attention spans any more. Fewer people can sit and be content reading long news articles, much less novels. And this ADHD society we live in is only getting worse. It's not like people don't have the ability to focus, it's that we're being marketed to death by the masterminds of distraction.

Every new gadget, be it the iphone, flat screen HD TVs, and every new program, from leopard to random applications for PDAs are pulling us away from reality. Some may argue, and perhaps successfully, that with the technology and information age that we are becoming closer, more cohesive, and we can absorb much more information than the past.  But, many new studies are proclaiming that we are being stretched too thin psychologically.  I read this article in the London times about it.  Turns out multi-tasking, which is the expectation and the most praised thing in modern society, is bunk. When you attempt to multi-task, you do a whole bunch of things poorly, as opposed to one thing at a time well. You are not more productive, you're not saving your company money, or making things easier on yourself, your family, your friends or co-workers. It comes down to distraction.

You get tons of emails, phone calls, text messages, and talk to people daily. You try to respond as best you can, but rarely take the time needed to do something thoroughly. We are all guilty of this. Social networking sites, (as cool as they are, and as much as I use them) can degrade and submerge the quality of our social interaction, and our ability to gather and retain useful information. We become so often caught up in the storms of gossip and banter that we idle our lives away while not gaining much more than superficial pleasure and a relief from our self-induced boredom. 

Life is exciting. There are great books to read, projects that need to be done in the yard, games to be played with sons and daughters, nephews and nieces, and every task deserves its own time and a high level of attention to be done well. I have always been and avid supporter of stopping and smelling the roses, breathing in the air, getting away from the world to understand it. If we can't take the time to digest our world, we'll just keep vomiting, getting sicker and sicker until we starve. We need to know the foundations that made what we have now possible. Works of art, literature, philosophy, science, and long books, trips, and talks are all important. We shouldn't give in to the whirling, spinning, superficiality and trendiness that is fleeting. I call for us to stop and smell the roses, and maybe, buy a few, or start our own rose garden.

*****

And, on another note, I leave for Brazil tomorrow, and my friend will be taking over for the next two weeks. I do this because I practice what I preach. It's time for a break. I love you all. Ask me to bring you back something, and I'll do my best (no promises).

Picture taken from this site.