House Plants

There is a new miracle cure for whatever ails you. Be it back aches, mild depression, anxiety disorder, scraped knees, cancer, flatulence, or writer's block. The name of this cure is, you guessed it, the house plant.

House plants come in many shapes and sizes, but all bring that same effect of life-giving renewal. You could have a yucca plant, and anthurium plant, or even a shoot of bamboo. Some people prefer cactus gardens, while others like the hanging gardens of Babylon (sinners).

Either way, you are curing your environment, warding off evil spirits (like CO2), and adding sweet delicious life (oxygen). But they are so much more than that. If placed well, they can cover stains on your rug, cover holes on your wall, or make a really tacky or dull room look like a lush rain forest (kind of a stretch). And, to cap it off, most plants have green on them, so a) that's good if you're Irish, b) green is the color of geniuses, and c) there is no c, just like it.

However, I should warn you, they can become an obsession and take over your life, and you will be living that book 'Where the Wild Things Are' forever.

Spaghetti=Overrated

So spaghetti. I've decided it's overrated. Seriously. Americans need to branch out every once in a while. Like maybe try linguini, fettuccine, pappardelle, tortellini, ravioli, vermicelli, rigatoni, mostaccioli, manicotti, strozzapreti, radiatore, cavatelli or even campanelle.


And no, I didn't just copy those all from a list on wikipedia (ok, I did for some). But the point is, spaghetti is not the best pasta. It is the most consumed, that I will say, but I will never say it is better than half, or even a majority of the other pasta options. And, you don't have to use just RED sauce. There are pestos, and white sauces that are fabulous. And, stop eating sauce out of the bottle or can all the time. It usually tastes like tomato paste with a little oregano and basil. At least add some flavor to it if you have to use the pre-made crap. And, don't be afraid of cooking your noodles with tons of virgin olive oil and a teaspoon or two of sea salt. I promise you won't regret it. And balsamic vinegar isn't bad in there either. So enough with the cooking lesson.



It's true Americans could eat a little less KFC (JLo likes it), Burger King, Arby's, Carl Jr.'s, and frozen dinners. But isn't it fun to be slovenly? It's too much work to microwave a potato, so I think I should go to a place where it's pre-sliced, and deep fried so that it has no residual potato taste left. And corn dogs are better than eating a pot roast; and they're way cheaper. And with corn in the title, it's like I'm getting a two for one deal: a hot dog AND corn. I'm a friggin genius.




But then on the other side, I could sit around and eat just yogurt and lentils. Ah, then I'd be happy. And my farts would smell like gum drops I bet. I could frolic in a meadow with 12 necklaces around my neck and another 45 around my waist and read poetry to the squirrels. They would love me and bring over acorn tea and massage my feet with their bushy tails. Ah yes, and for breakfast we could eat amaranth and buckwheat and take rodent-sized dumps in the woods, or just go number 1 out the side that should be for number 2.

So perhaps the middle...is......No, it's not better. I'm living with the squirrels. And they better like fettuccine better than spaghetti.

Potato Fun

As many of you may be aware, I have as of late been on a strict potato diet. And, by strict I don't mean just potatoes although that is generally what 'strict' implies. I have been eating them just about everyday with ranch and BBQ sauce or butter and salt and pepper and it's been a welcome food for many reasons, most of all taste. Potatoes contain iron, vitamin A, C and some Bs as well as protein. They say eating a lot of them will make you fat, but I tend to think the contrary is true. In fact, I think I have lost fat since I went on my potato diet. However, there always is a but. As cheap, delicious and even healthful as potatoes are, they have their drawbacks. And some might know the biggest one. Flatulence. Now I'm sure there are those of you who love flatulence and having the ability to make your own body tuba music, but for those of us who every now and then like to sit down with friends and maybe even go on the occasional date, it's not quite so appealing. I honestly don't know what it is that make potatoes so gas prone, but I know that they are and if you're going to eat them, you must live with the consequences. While of course a gaseous exclamation every now and then certainly can ease your troubles, I prefer to quell the beast whenever possible. But, at least for now, at the current rate of my potato consumption my room mates and friends are probably just going to have to buy more scented candles and incense.