Risque Humor

This post is rated PG-13. So, if you're reading this and you are 13 or under, get a parent to watch this hilarious SNL short. Some may call it crude, and indeed, they it is, but that doesn't make it any less funny. Starring Andy Samberg and Jorma Taccone (with Justin Timberlake), if this doesn't make you laugh you are better than me:

A Sentimental Goodbye

So I suppose it's time to wax sentimental. Today I leave Provo, Utah. It's certainly not the first time I've done it, but this time it's for good (as far as I know). And, as usual, it's somewhat of a bittersweet farewell. I've learned a lot here. That is not an overstatement, and does not include my college experience, that, on the whole was pretty informative too. I've met great people, done many stupid things, many smart things, had some adventures, heartbreaks, backbreaks, disputes, discords, reconciliations, and intimate moments. It's been good (Now that's an understatement).

It really didn't hit me until this morning. I got out of the shower and my room mate said, "I may never see you. I wrote you a note." It was short and light-hearted, and yes, it did include what I owed him for last months utilities, but that doesn't take away from the fact that he wrote it. I've been in and heard of too many situations where a departure from a house or apartment is anticlimactic, as in, they leave on a flight or drive away while their room mates are still sleeping. Or, they leave and no one cares. Well, it's nice to know someone cares. And last night some friends took me out to dinner for a bon voyage party. I went out with some old freshman year buddies for lunch. I had one last hurrah hiking/camping trip with some friends down in Zion National Park over the weekend. I feel good about the culmination of way to many years here.

However, there are of course people who are probably not so sad to see me go. I've been, and still am at times stubborn, inflammatory, blunt, petty, lazy, forgetful, uncaring, aloof, etc. (and so much more). To those who I have hurt, defamed, or otherwise destroyed, I apologize. I never intended to do harm to anyone (unless I did - that is, in that case that you messed with my friends or family). On the other hand, I think, in many ways I have been helpful to people with good words of advice and encouragement, providing perspective and hope. I have always cared for people big and small, and gone out of my way to make their lives a little happier. I realize I'm not dead yet, but I try to live each day so that when I leave this world the world will hopefully shed a tear or two instead of just throwing a massive celebration at my departure. I will miss my friends here (but I also encourage them to finish up here and get on with life elsewhere). Provo has been a great place to grow, but thank goodness it's not the only place.

At this point of the sentimental post I'm going to list some memorable moments:

1. Getting arrested and thrown in jail in Eureka, Nevada
2. The first surf trip to Morro Bay (with my two friends who were 6' 3" and 6' 5")
3. Breaking off my engagement
4. The second surf trip to Morro Bay (with both friends being 6' 1")
5. Going over several layers of management to get my refund on my engagement ring
6. The third surf trip to Morro Bay and on down to San Diego (hitting Ventura and LA beaches) - good food the whole trip
7. Getting accused of being a stalker by Mall security
8. Surfing in LA/San Diego (burned some bridges and the car was killed by a metrosexual)
9. Hiking in Zion freshman year and getting kicked out of the park at night
10. Going to my grandparents for Thanksgiving every year for the past couple years
11. Driving from Exeter, CA to Duxbury, MA, wasting 1300+ miles just getting out of CA, then driving nearly 41 hours straight from Sacramento to Duxbury with only an hour rest in an Indiana rest stop
12. Homecoming freshman year. We went to an Italian place and the Mahi mahi was dry and my stomach didn't fare so well in the bathroom later, but I did learn some Italian while in there
13. Going to endless senior recitals with delicious food and good friends
14. Hiking up past the Y two times, and both times being halted by snow drifts
15. Hiking Mount Timpanogos a few times, mostly freshman year
16. Getting my car towed at least 5 times in the course of maybe a month or two, also getting 8 parking tickets on campus (mostly 5 minutes before it was OK for me to park in the spot)
17. Going to many football, volleyball, soccer, lacrosse, and basketball games with friends
18. Many late night runs to Wendy's, Arby's, or some other unhealthy place to eat
19. Traveling to most of California's National and State Parks in May of last year (also dropping by my family's cabin northeast of Yosemite)
20. Going out to the cabin with two friends (enjoying the 4th of July in Bridgeport, Bodie, hotsprings, and fresh mountain air)
21. Getting a friend of mine to pay for my sandwich at the Cougar Eat and then regifting it in his sink later
22. Cross-Country Skiing at Aspen Grove
23. Foundations of Leadership at Aspen Grove (I am only in contact with one of those people)
24. A recent surf trip from Morro Bay and Pismo up to San Francisco with friends
25. Zion National Park this past weekend
26. Test driving an Audi TT, a Mazda 6, the new Accord, and some other cars down Provo Canyon (always telling the attendant I was going to buy a car in the near future)
27. Going down to Vegas to give my abandoned car to a tow company guy who didn't speak english and then seeing the shark exhibit at Mandalay Bay
28. Catching 9 straight shrimp in my mouth at Asuka two years ago for Valentine's Day
29. Rafting on the Provo river
30. Getting asked by every new person who ever came by my house if I surfed and why I had surfboards in Utah
31. Going to the gym with two of my good friends almost all the time I lived here
32. Cooking interesting dishes from Brazil, Italy, or my head
33. Getting in only one really long term relationship and having way too many flings (not all regrettable might I add)
34. Holding Gladiatorial games in the backyard last summer
35. Breaking my hand sledding at Rock Canyon Park
36. Getting diagnosed with mid-thoracic back pain syndrome brought on by lack of sleep and stress (this diagnosis was preferable to the one saying I had a collapsed lung)
37. Draining the lizard for four minutes straight after a late night at some crazy girl's apartment
38. Being way to graphic and unnecessary in my descriptions all the time to make certain people (prudes) uncomfortable
39. Going to a lot of general conference sessions at the Conference Center and at great peoples' houses
40. Going running with a good friend of mine infrequently, but always with great intensity

Forty was way more than I thought I would write. There are of course a lot more, but some are more private, and the ones I listed omitted names, and interesting details. At any rate, I hope you enjoyed my reflection. I'm now going to post some random and irrelevant pictures.

You Saucy Meatball

Along the lines of spaghetti and Italian pasta, some of my buddies and I have a different language interaction than most of you. For instance I might call my friend a saucy meatball, a meat sack or something. Some might find it strange, but that's only because they don't understand or are jealous. I've found that men in general have lots of inside jokes and even have covert languages among friends. My friends and I are no exception. For the longest time, a couple buddies from High School and I used the word 'icecream' to signify something. Let me give an example:

"Dang man, that's some sweet ICECREAM over there."

So, yes it was a good thing. Now here's another interaction:

"Hey meatball, we going to the gym?"

Response: "I'm already here meatsack."

And another for you:

"Dude, he's a poacher."

Taken at face value, these little phrases are, for lack of a better word, retarded. Or, perhaps nonsensical. But at any rate they mean something. And that something is far more important than the phrase itself. It is generally coupled with winks, nodds, neck jerks, grunts or angry stares. This way, women are left confused and stay out of the loop. And, even when you think it'd be nice for them to be in the loop, they can't get in even with some subtle hints. For guys, less is more with communication. With girls, more, more, more.

Hot Rod

I just finished watching one of the funniest films of all time. The movie is 'Hot Rod.' And, no surprise, it was produced by Lorne Michaels of Saturday Night Live fame. It's an instant classic. Right up there with Tommy Boy and Dumb and Dumber. There was slapstick, awkward humor, Gob from Arrested development, Heder from SNL....they took out all the stops for this one. If you don't know the premise it's about a guy named Rod who basically wants to become Evil Knievel after being told by his mother that his dad was Evil's stuntman and died while doing dry-runs for Evil. He of course is anything but a good stuntman. And that's why I like the movie. He may not have the skills, but he has the heart.


It almost makes you want to be a stuntman...or at least watch more stuntmen do ridiculous things. I know I will definitely be watching this movie over and over again so I can memorize classic lines and quote them to people who haven't seen it so they look at me funny. Then, after a long enough time, the lines will start catching and everyone will be quoting it. But, only 5 percent of the people quoting will know why they are doing it. Such is life. God speed Hot Rod!

Funny guys win

Whenever I speak to girls about traits they look for in a guy, ordinarily the first thing I hear is "funny." If a guy can make a girl laugh he's in. It's not compassion, honesty, intelligence, athleticism or even looks. If a guy is funny he's set. So basically, if you are one of those guys who looks like he got his face smashed seven times with a shovel and run over by a Mack truck, as long as you know how to crack a joke or drop a one liner, you can marry Michelle Pfeifer. There is hope for those of you on a strict "donut/beer" diet! Just be funny. That is the answer. You can lie, cheat, steal, smell bad, be lazy...but as long as you have that wry smile, a glimmer in your eye, and can bust out a clever stand up routine, you're home free. What are women thinking? Funny is good, but let's not overlook the other stuff.