Getting Mad at Inanimate Objects

So just the other day I was sitting in my living room as is my custom, when I heard slightly muffled, but certainly audible man screams coming from the room behind me. The wall could not contain the tremors and I had to go investigate. Upon opening the door to the room I saw my brother, befuddled and upset at an inanimate object. Of course it was no ordinary inanimate object. It was a microphone. A blue USB mic that he had gotten me for Christmas. It had/has been giving me trouble since he got it. Sure it records stuff, but to get even moderately mediocre sound one must crank up the volume levels on both the recording software of choice and on the computer's settings. So, when I saw him enraged by this inanimate hellish fiend I thought it was well justified.


There are many other great stories and reasons to get angry at inanimate objects. And, believe me, it makes a lot more sense than you think. You see, getting mad at inanimate objects doesn't hurt anyone. You don't break any hearts, lose sleep, or create any feuds. You generally can resolve it quickly by one or two ways: annihilate by the inanimate object by awesome force, or give it to someone you don't like. The third way is only a pipe dream: Fix the inanimate object. To be honest, if you are already yelling at it, it probably is beyond fixing.

With that said, I think another great way to get out excess energy is to make a rumpus room (remember the book 'Where the Wild Things Are'? They knew all about rumpus rooms). Fill it with glass bottles, vases, lamps and teetering furniture. Then, by the entrance, have a case full of louisville sluggers (one for each day of the week), and when you are feeling very upset, or full of energy with no other way to expend it, go to town on the inanimate objects because, you know they deserve it.

Omnibus Post: Touching it all

This week has been a blog post explosion. This will be my seventh. And, I'm going to address a number of issues. First, I have ads on this site. You might have noticed that. Feel free to click on them if you're interested. Window shopping doesn't cost a thing. I promise. I know not all of you out there are interested in mormon dating, lingerie, dog food or Barack Obama t-shirts, but maybe you'll find something that strikes your fancy. Maybe a site where Obama is eating dog food in one of his own t-shirts, on a date with a mormon while wearing lingerie. Weirder things have happened.

Second, I want to say that manly men still do exist, although they are scarce. And, you do not have to move to Montana or Texas to find one. Massachusetts is chock-full of them, as is Virginia, West Virginia, New York and any other place in New England. You've got a great history there. That's right, the men from those states defeated the British, the greatest empire since Rome. What did Texas have to beat? A bunch of straggly Mexicans. Not so impressive. Another reason the east and New England is better than either of the aforementioned states is because of our proximity to the ocean and the fact that we know how to live in it. The ocean makes up 2/3 of the globe, and Texans and Montana residents are land-lubbers.

Third, I do not have a great affinity for Cleveland right now. I am watching the Celtics vs. Cavaliers and we are down by 11. I effing hate Lebron, Varejao and all of their spot up jumping a-holes. It's our home court. We better eff 'em up good. As I have been typing we just cut it down to 6. Yeah B. There is no excuse for a loss. I want to crush those midwesterners and their aspirations to climb out of the mediocrity bowl. Garnett needs to step up.

Fourth, Ikea furniture is a joke. Engineered in Sweden, made in China. Cheap all around. People think it's cool. People also think McDonalds is cool. From time to time people are right, but Ikea and McDonalds lack class. Not that I'm the king of class, but when I break a cup or plate made by Ikea I don't really feel bad. And, I kinda want to do it again. I support America. I buy American when possible. To be honest, I'd rather support the Vietnamese than the Swedish. That's why I buy CK, Dockers, Kenneth Cole and Hilfiger.

Fifth, if you're gonna have a wedding make sure it's not just cake. I don't care if you have 10 different kinds of cake. I, as a poor college student, go to weddings for the food. And, if it has to be cake, there better be an attractive woman popping out of it. I need to be honest. I'm glad my friends are getting married, but I want to see a couple steaks, shrimp or at least deli sandwiches. I went to one recently that had nothing but sugar and fluff. Gag. I promise my wedding will have good food (if I ever get married).

Sixth, I'm sorry this sounds like a column of straight up bitching. That's not my intention. I just want to give you a piece of my mind. A hearty, healthy, Campbell's Soup, manly man from Boston who loves America piece. Eat up.

Cleveland sucks

You want disdain? I’ll give you disdain. Let me tell you about tonight. There I was on my couch watching the Red Sox lose to the Twins in Minnesota, and the Celtics were playing the Cavs in Cleveland. I had to mute the games, because I had guests over, and I had to mute myself because I’m pretty loud, offensive and outright vitriolic when it comes to sports, especially when my team is tanking. So, fortunately my team tanked after the guests left. And then I let the expletives fly. It was somewhat cathartic, and perhaps it will actually bring about a win for game five, because game 4 is already gone.


So let me rail into Cleveland, Ohio and it’s surroundings. Bear in mind that I do this in anger and as a knee jerk reaction, and shortly I will feel much different. But for now let’s face the facts; Ohio is worthless. Ohio State has been able to play a useless BCS system like a dirty hoedown fiddle for the past couple of years, get to the title game and choke. And choke hard, losing by ridiculous margins to both Florida and this year to LSU. Now let’s couple that pitiful performance with the Bengals. They suck. Hard. And there isn’t much commentary necessary for them or their MLB affiliates in Cincinnati, the Reds. The Browns are mediocre. All Ohio has is the Cavs. And they lost in the finals last year. So I guess Ohio can aspire only to be perennial losers. The last decent golfer to come out of Ohio was Nicklaus. Hats off to him. Tiger is better. And, Tiger has his own Gatorade named after him.

Now let’s talk about geography. Ohio is land-locked, and lakes don’t count. It has no mountains. Those are two very important things to me. Elevation and beaches. Even Massachusetts has mountains and beaches (Conclusion: Massachusetts is better). To be honest, it’s not even close. Sure, maybe they can buy corn cheaper, and get to be a ‘swing state’ in elections, but Ohio is just a fallow lot of useless trailer trash. Not the kind of trailer trash that become Hip Hop stars like Michigan’s Eminem, but the kind that has 3 teeth and smokes 10 packs a day. I guess it puts hair on your chest, but for the ladies, that’s just wrong. Ohio, I salute your ineptitude. I hold out no hope for you. You will lose to the Celtics, and will not win a Super bowl for another 50 years, if you’re lucky. Sandusky and Sea World are the only high points (still no mountains). And I would rather be mute, deaf and dumb in California than live in Ohio.