Punching Frozen Meat, a Decent Past Time

It was glorified in the Rocky movies. It never became much of a trend. But now it's on the the rebound. You guessed it, punching frozen meat. While initially the idea of smashing your fist against a rock hard side of beef isn't all that appealing, it turns out it has amazing psychological benefits. Dr. Kroger of Smith's Academy in Plympton, Massachusetts had this to say:

"Many of my patients suffer from anxiety, stress, and bouts of depression. I used to prescribe medication and talk therapy, but last weekend I was watching Rocky, and I stumbled upon a new idea. Instead of trying to alter their dopamine levels with drugs, I could let them regenerate themselves through violence. When I saw Rocky punching that meat I thought, 'Perfect, this is a match made in heaven.'"

Although Kroger's new treatment is highly experimental, it has already been hailed by some as a miracle cure. One of his more serious cases, involving a patient who asked not to be named, praised Kroger's meat punching tactics saying, 

"I used to have horrible daydreams of pink elephants sitting on my head. They would do it for hours and I could only flail my legs and arms in anguish, but now I pretend that the frozen meat is the pink elephant. I can see his cheeky little smile, but he can't sit on me now. Sure, I've broken a few bones in my hand, but hey, no more elephants are sitting on my head."

Stories like this are not uncommon. Apparently punching frozen meat allows the stressed patient to release in a way that in the past was thought only possible with chemical alteration. It has brought a new hope to many.

Dr. Al Murphy, of Sarasota Springs, Florida, had this to say:

"I have tried to find the perfect substrate for my patients to punch out their anger and stress for years now, but I've never been quite satisfied. Pillows didn't give back enough. Concrete gave back to much. Abusing small rodents never felt right. But punching frozen meat, it's like a revelation. I've prescribed punching frozen meat to almost half of my clientele. 

Whether or not the treatment will remain effective for long periods of time is hard to say, but for right now, there's a new hope. You may want to buy your frozen meat to punch before the big rush. Prices are still reasonable with the economic funk the US is in, but as the crisis deepens, demand promises to be higher.

Slurpee Day - 7/11

Remember this day....For it will live in infamy....7/11. For it was and will remain one of the greatest strokes of marketing genius that Seven Eleven Owners will ever come up with. Soon, very soon, the big Indian business execs will take over the world. Every year, on July 11th, Seven Elevens across the US give out free slurpees. Fortunately in the US, 7/11 is generally an extremely warm time of year. So, everyone and their dog goes to Seven Eleven to join in the free, frozen, deliciousness.

But the ploy is not subtle. It is defensibly smart. You come in to get a free slurpee, realize the size is small and then proceed to either buy a larger slurpee with the free one, get a new slurpee, or buy something else with your free slurpee. In the case that they run out of free size cups (which is what happened when I dropped by around 10:00pm) you end up just buying some little drink and food anyway, because you don't want the trip to go to waste. Therefore, I declare Seven Elevens nationwide very good marketers. And, because I did not get my free slurpee, I will most certainly arrive a lot earlier next year, even knowing that the prize isn't particularly large. It still is a free slurpee. And I know Seven Eleven is making bank.

Spaghetti=Overrated

So spaghetti. I've decided it's overrated. Seriously. Americans need to branch out every once in a while. Like maybe try linguini, fettuccine, pappardelle, tortellini, ravioli, vermicelli, rigatoni, mostaccioli, manicotti, strozzapreti, radiatore, cavatelli or even campanelle.


And no, I didn't just copy those all from a list on wikipedia (ok, I did for some). But the point is, spaghetti is not the best pasta. It is the most consumed, that I will say, but I will never say it is better than half, or even a majority of the other pasta options. And, you don't have to use just RED sauce. There are pestos, and white sauces that are fabulous. And, stop eating sauce out of the bottle or can all the time. It usually tastes like tomato paste with a little oregano and basil. At least add some flavor to it if you have to use the pre-made crap. And, don't be afraid of cooking your noodles with tons of virgin olive oil and a teaspoon or two of sea salt. I promise you won't regret it. And balsamic vinegar isn't bad in there either. So enough with the cooking lesson.



It's true Americans could eat a little less KFC (JLo likes it), Burger King, Arby's, Carl Jr.'s, and frozen dinners. But isn't it fun to be slovenly? It's too much work to microwave a potato, so I think I should go to a place where it's pre-sliced, and deep fried so that it has no residual potato taste left. And corn dogs are better than eating a pot roast; and they're way cheaper. And with corn in the title, it's like I'm getting a two for one deal: a hot dog AND corn. I'm a friggin genius.




But then on the other side, I could sit around and eat just yogurt and lentils. Ah, then I'd be happy. And my farts would smell like gum drops I bet. I could frolic in a meadow with 12 necklaces around my neck and another 45 around my waist and read poetry to the squirrels. They would love me and bring over acorn tea and massage my feet with their bushy tails. Ah yes, and for breakfast we could eat amaranth and buckwheat and take rodent-sized dumps in the woods, or just go number 1 out the side that should be for number 2.

So perhaps the middle...is......No, it's not better. I'm living with the squirrels. And they better like fettuccine better than spaghetti.