Shirking the Blog

Quite often I find myself shirking my blog because I just don't feel like writing. However, that's not entirely true. Sure, sometimes I'd rather be wiling the afternoon away in a hammock with a good book, drinking pineapple juice and listening to the sound of a midsummer rainstorm, but most often I don't write because I just don't want to make the effort. Or I think I might somehow not write up to my readers' expectations. Hopefully, that is always the case. I hope most of my posts are anticlimactic, and a waste of your time. I mean, you don't pay me enough to get A+ effort all the time. What am I saying? You don't pay me.

I just want to put up a thought, blurb, photo, series of photos, a clip, a satirical story, or something entirely random that makes you chuckle, guffaw, shoot milk out your nose, fall out of your chair, get mad, or make you cry yourself to sleep.

Guffawing with milk is not recommended. Neither is chuckling while crying yourself to sleep (that's just messed up). But then again, who are my readers? Maybe I should just make the assumption that they are all just as weird, quirky, and strange as I have a tendency to be on this blog.

Here are some photos:

In the computer.

You know what happens next.

Morbid? Yes. Funny? Yes.

Horses know how to guffaw.

And Peter Griffin knows how to make the most of his milk nose laughter.

Bad Milk.

Canst thou imagine the dismal shock?! No sooner had the cup pressed my lips, when straightway I was seized upon by the putrid liquid, and made victim to its noxious nature. Yea, it would not be excessive to say that as those first few rancid droplets touched my palette, whereupon my tongue lay innocently at wait, every fiber of my gut rejected them, yea, from the very depths of my bowels did my body writhe and contort in expedient refusal, so great was my reaction. “Wherewith have I been poisoned?” exclaiméd I in earnest bewilderment. In my haste, I had poured the foul beverage without knowledge or notice of its insidious pungency. Upon further investigation, I was overwhelmed by the repugnant emanation of the jug from whence I had poured. Yea, so beset was I by the acrid stench, that I was prepared to submit myself to that gulf of endless misery and woe, yea, the darkest cesspool whose only inhabitants exist in a tormented state of continual wailing and gnashing of teeth. Else I should throw the jug away. Henceforth, should mine carton remain unconsuméd upon the marked date whereupon it is it to be sold, I shall drain it to the very dregs, and lay waste to all contents therein. For it seemeth better in mine eyes to suffer the loss of rations, than to embrace that potentially vile, curdled drink. T’would be fruitless to unbridle my wrath upon the bovine species, whose tender succor oft quenches mine thirst most sweetly. Nonetheless, when the bitter taketh the place of the sweet, and betrayed am I of my dairy treat—Vengeance will be mine!

Giving your life meaning...

Feel free to call it laziness, but today I'm just posting some ridiculous pictures that just happen to be funny. I didn't have to look hard, and in fact stumbled upon these in a friend's photo album (probably of his childhood). I'm sure you'll relate to some of these, and hopefully, if you're drinking milk you'll share it with your computer screen.

Uh oh.

Sweet.

Cannibal pumpkin beasts are the worst.

Mean, but effective.

I wonder who it could be...

I pretty much died after I saw this.

That's deterrence 

That used to be me before I dialed Jenny Craig.

She's so happy.

I hope that made your day. If it didn't, maybe it's time to re-examine your life. Maybe you have nothing to live for. Well, live for this blog. It will always fill your life with meaning. It's a good replacement for Scholasticism, Humanism, McCarthyism, or prisms.

Christmas Cheer

This is how the military's drones really work.

Had to happen some time.

Oh reindeer unions!

I figured this picture would get a good reaction from the ladies.

He's just so tired. 

Proctologist needed.

Notice the purple scarf, and the pink hair dryer? Not typical snowmen.

I actually heard a dog say this once.

Explanation why the tree is turning yellow

Brutal.

Sick.

Yeah Mr. T

That was me when I found the grave.

Oh kids these days.

What is your perspective?

How important is perspective? How important is attitude? Can one overcome the other? Are they the same?

I would insist that we all have different perspectives on life, politics, religion, sports, family, banana cream pie, teatherball, compost piles, milk jugs, and Marfan's syndrome. We develop our perspectives from within and without. We can only partially affect them. We don't choose what we see, or even always in what light we see it, but our attitude can spin it for us, and even change reality as we know it. Here are a few good examples to frustrate you:

Is it a cube? Is it a box? Are you a cube? A box? Or a square? 

The answer is yes.

On which set of stairs do you find yourself? Do you even take the stairs? Did you know that going up stairs is better on your knees than going down? Are you bald with no face like Escher's people in this drawing?

Are you looking at the painting? Or is the painting looking at you? Or are you looking at a painting of someone looking at a painting that is also looking at him, and possibly you? Do you prefer nyquil or codine?

Think about it. Just like the Flight of the Conchords prescribe.

Nap Time!

Nap time is a magical time. It's a a healthy blast to that age of teething, oral phases, blocks, fire trucks, high chairs, bouncy door harnesses, and a time when the most pressing item on the agenda was pulling the dog's tail or eating lint.

Well, naps have not lost their importance in my life, even as my life has become more complicated (I now don't own a dog, and have substituted lint for pens). I am bad about getting to bed at a regular time, and even if I do, sleep is an uneven proposition that doesn't always come when I want. So, the only way to make up the lost hours, days, or even years is to count sheep on my couch at some point during the day. 

And that's what I'm going to do after I write this (After I finish finger painting and dipping my graham crackers in milk).

Mmmmm....chocolate.

Chocolate. Fondue. Waterfall. Fountain. Strawberries. Banana. Pineapple. Pretzels. Chocolate. Ghirardelli. Godiva. Nestle. Melting. Pouring. Dark. Delicious. Chocolate.

I hope that made your mouth water. It certainly got my craving going. 

Fortunately for me and my craving, we had a fondue party on saturday complete with a chocolate fountain and all of the wonderfully satiating ingredients I previously mentioned. But even after eating chocolate covered strawberries, pretzels, and the occasional pineapple, I felt like I needed something else. Something perhaps to cap it off. Wash it down. Milk. That would do it.

Problem: My house is full of 20 some people, and if I take out my gallon of milk everyone will want a glass.  And, being a courteous host I would give them all glasses, and offer even the one's who didn't ask, leaving me with no milk. 

Solution: Keep the milk hidden. Drink water.

Cookies N' Cream

We all enjoy our guilty pleasures from time to time, and for you calorie counters out there, mine has more than you eat in a whole day: BYU Creamery Cookies n' Cream milk. It's delectable. It's delicious. It's guaranteed to make you smile and probably get fat. That is why moderation is key. And to moderate, only buy and drink it when you see it. And, for more moderation, don't hang out in the drink section of any BYU affiliated food store on a regular basis. I follow that last one about as well as Toto followed Dorothy on the yellow brick road (always, unless there was an interesting scarecrow to pee on). And I know what you might be thinking, "But aren't you a chocolate milk guy?" Oh, you know me too well. But, for some reason I like the Cookies n' Cream variety better than the chocolate stuff from BYU creamery. And, I can give you a reason why:


Nowadays you may have noticed that chocolate milk is 'reduced fat' everywhere. WTF?! If I have made the decision to drink chocolate milk I want the f-ing fat (f-ing stands for fattling). And, to counter this, I drink the cookies n' cream stuff because I at least think it has more fat. Whether that is true or not really doesn't matter to me.
I just know I feel like a Satan Pig when I drink it. And, I think from time to time we all should allow ourselves a moment or two a day, or a week to let our inner Satan Pig out.