Are You Not Entertained?: Facetiousness and Waggishness

At times I think I put more into this blog than you do reader. I mean, it seems I just write, post videos and random pictures for your entertainment. Some might say, "But don't you love writing? Isn't your blog like some delicious daily therapy that makes you somehow into a better person?" To those people I say no. This blog is drivel. And no, I do not enjoy conjuring up drivel for you to lap up. Do I sound like I'm enjoying myself? Of course not. I'm having the worst time of my life. I'm on the verge of packing it in.

To those of you who are now shocked beyond question, maybe this isn't your kind of blog. That last paragraph was soaked thoroughly in gooey, marmalade sarcasm. Mmmm. Sarcasm. Sweet, sugary molasses. And, amazingly enough I have just broached the topic of today's post. Sarcasm.

This is sarcasm according to me, so please be as offended as you like. No one likes you anyway. You're extremely unattractive and smell bad. The best I could do was this picture to capture it:

If I could post smells I would.

Sarcasm is a tool. Just like your lungs, or a stapler (don't you tell me lungs aren't tools). Sarcasm can be used when life seems to suck, or if life is just overtly and disgustingly chipper. It also can be used when life is neither up nor down, when you are mired in a swamp or dank bog of mediocrity. So basically, sarcasm can be used all the time. 

The place where I was schooled in the art of sarcasm was in New England. And, more specifically, the south shore of Massachusetts. I have some fabulously uninteresting theories about why sarcasm abounds there like the drastic temperature and weather changes, the stubborn and genuinely crass and lovely individuals that live there, the Irish and preppy Waspish influence from the Southy to Cape Cod, and of course Lobstermen (or any maritime career), but I'm not going to do that (because I just did).

But, what is sarcasm? Well, in short, it's not just a tool, but a way of life. It's the art of making the best out of a bad situation, relationship, pair of pants, stained shirt, or seemingly pointless existence. Instead of getting down when things suck, or getting down when things are great, or getting down when things are neither, or getting down when you're on the dance floor and your favorite song is playing, you relish in the situation. Mock it. Trivialize it. Put it into perspective. If you are pissed off, and someone asks you how you are doing, smiling and saying, "I just won the lottery, and I'm going to waste it all at the dollar store," will make you feel better. I promise. And the other person might enjoy it. That's the other part of it. Using sarcasm is a social event. If no one gets it, you're probably just being bitter or stupid. Sarcastic remarks or anecdotes need to be witty, clever, sagacious even.

Now, I'm sure some of you have heard how damaging sarcasm can be. "It will rot your soul." "It is only used by people who are pathetic or unromantic." Well those people are absolutely right. Sarcasm is like a cancer that will kill you. Seriously. My favorite actor and cousin died of sarcasm. 

But, if you're really good at using it, you can trick sarcasm into killing itself, or someone else. So in that case I say use it frequently. Especially around inebriates or reprobates. 

THE END

Non-existent Utah snow removal

It has not stopped snowing here in Provo. It began yesterday. Bear in mind, I like snow. In fact, I would not mind if there were a blizzard outside. Basically, as long as it's in the right season I'm down with it. But, there is something I find a bit ridiculous about this snow and Utah. As most of you know (or perhaps you have no idea), on license plates out here in the great state of Utah there is a phrase. It says "The greatest snow on earth." Now, I'm not about to dispute that, but I do find a bit lacking for a place that had the winter Olympics in 2002 and a slogan like that to not have sufficient snow removal services.

For the past two days the streets have been caked with powder, slush, and ice. Occasionally plows come out and do their job, but their service is infrequent at best. Now, to juxtapose that with snow removal in Massachusetts - where at the first sign of a winter storm plows are grinding the pavement with sparks flying - Utah is inept. I really don't get it. Maybe they pay the plow drivers more in Massachusetts. Maybe they have more plows, sand, and salt in Massachusetts. I do not know. All I know is that if Utah is going to say it has the "greatest snow on earth," it better have the greatest snow removal services on earth to match it. I mean, it's not like Utah is not familiar with snowy streets. If they were going to take their slogan seriously they should have diamond snow plow blades encrusted in gold, to plow that beautiful Utah powder. Will it happen? Yes. When I become governor (which will be never).

Let's have babies!

I read a story today from Gloucester, Massachusetts. 17 high school girls no older than 16 plotted to get pregnant and raise the children together.

Usually the school has about 4 pregnancies a year (which to me is absurd), but this year the number was quite a bit beyond that (clearly). And, if that weren't enough, one of the fathers was a homeless man. Unfortunately, this story isn't a joke. But, it left me wondering why.

Here's the answer: The girls claim to want to be loved unconditionally. So, they have babies?! Apparently they weren't thinking about waking up at 3am to feed the baby. Apparently they forgot about having to change diapers, going to the hospital when the baby eats a bottle of tylenol, or some of the other gloriously loving things babies do. Then I think about it the other way. If they are looking to receive unconditional love, are they prepared to give it? They have now put themselves in positions that prevent the children they carry from having a stable home to grow up in, with a father and the type of monetary and psychological support that a more mature mother or family could provide.

But hey, at least they have the unconditional love of a disenfranchised baby.

Civil Unions

Ok, here's a topic I'm prepared to take the heat for. I'm sure you're all well aware that in California the Supreme Court decided to legislate from the bench and say gay marriage is okay. Well I'd like to take issue with that. In my opinion, and in the written text of most dictionaries I am aware of, marriage is between a man and a woman.

Now before everyone blows up at me for being intolerant let me say that I am fine with gay people having civil unions with legal rights similar to marriage. However, my problem is in the wording. Marriage should not be used when referring to a gay union. It is a union, but not a marriage. It would save everyone a whole lot of trouble if that's how we kept it.

Here is the webster definition of marriage:

mar·riage
Pronunciation:
\ˈmer-ij, ˈma-rij\
Function:
noun
Etymology:
Middle English mariage, from Anglo-French, from marier to marry
Date:
14th century
1 a (1): the state of being united to a person of the opposite sex as husband or wife in a consensual and contractual relationship recognized by law

And here is wikipedia's explanation of a civil union:

A civil union is a legally recognized union similar to marriage. Beginning with Denmark in 1989, civil unions under one name or another have been established by law in many developed countries in order to provide same-sex couples with rights, benefits, and responsibilities similar (in some countries, identical) to opposite-sex civil marriage. In some jurisdictions, such as Quebec, New Zealand, and Uruguay, civil unions are also open to opposite-sex couples.

Most civil-union countries recognize foreign unions if those are essentially equivalent to their own; for example, the United Kingdom lists equivalent unions in Civil Partnership Act Schedule 20.

Many people are critical of civil unions because they say they represent separate status unequal to marriage ("marriage apartheid"). Others are critical because they say civil unions allow same-sex marriage by using a different name.

Now that wasn't so hard now, was it?
Read article.

The Rain

Today it is raining. Well, as I write this the rain is actually puttering to a stop. And, I'm really not surprised. Utah is mostly high desert. I'd say it gets more rain than most deserts, especially in the valley, but it is a desert nonetheless. Rain here is not like rain in Boston or DC, or anywhere east really. Generally it rains for a couple minutes or hours and then its done. Some might like this. To me, it's just a tease. Back home in Duxbury Massachusetts, or in Vienna Virginia, when it rains, it pours. You'll have rain all day, or a whole week at a time. And, you can expect a good storm once a week, or once every two weeks. Out here in Utah, if rain comes you might start to believe it's the second coming, only to be disappointed to learn that it was a false alarm.


I know some people say, "I hate the rain." Well to those people I say, "You're dumb." I was actually going to say something far more biting, but I thought against it. I'm sure people from Seattle get bored with it. However, at the same time it is refreshing. The smell of rain and wet ground is unmatched. The sound of rain, and the way it brings out colors is sweet to the senses. And, I remember a number of times when I was curled up under a blanket on my back porch listening to the thunder and watching the show from a rocking chair. I have ambient sounds of rain and storms (along with the ocean and rainforest) on my computer, and I used to nap to it all the time my freshman year of college. I guess what I'm trying to say is, I need rain. I need green. I want my Nor'easters. I guess what I want is to be back on the east coast.