Getting Mad at Inanimate Objects

So just the other day I was sitting in my living room as is my custom, when I heard slightly muffled, but certainly audible man screams coming from the room behind me. The wall could not contain the tremors and I had to go investigate. Upon opening the door to the room I saw my brother, befuddled and upset at an inanimate object. Of course it was no ordinary inanimate object. It was a microphone. A blue USB mic that he had gotten me for Christmas. It had/has been giving me trouble since he got it. Sure it records stuff, but to get even moderately mediocre sound one must crank up the volume levels on both the recording software of choice and on the computer's settings. So, when I saw him enraged by this inanimate hellish fiend I thought it was well justified.


There are many other great stories and reasons to get angry at inanimate objects. And, believe me, it makes a lot more sense than you think. You see, getting mad at inanimate objects doesn't hurt anyone. You don't break any hearts, lose sleep, or create any feuds. You generally can resolve it quickly by one or two ways: annihilate by the inanimate object by awesome force, or give it to someone you don't like. The third way is only a pipe dream: Fix the inanimate object. To be honest, if you are already yelling at it, it probably is beyond fixing.

With that said, I think another great way to get out excess energy is to make a rumpus room (remember the book 'Where the Wild Things Are'? They knew all about rumpus rooms). Fill it with glass bottles, vases, lamps and teetering furniture. Then, by the entrance, have a case full of louisville sluggers (one for each day of the week), and when you are feeling very upset, or full of energy with no other way to expend it, go to town on the inanimate objects because, you know they deserve it.

Running to nowhere

For those of you who truly know me, or even for those who only know me superficially, you may be well aware that I absolutely love cardio. Yes. Running is soooo fun. I love it. And, for those of you who actually nodded your heads in agreement, Thou knowest me not. Running for the sake of running has never really inspired me to do it consistently or in any real way. However, if I were to find an attractive running partner I might be obliged to take up the practice. But, bear in mind that whoever asks me to run with them is basically saying: "Let's date. I am into you."


Not all cardio however, is pointless. One example is ultimate frisbee. It is a game that you can win. You can interact with friends. You can jump, run routes, high five, give 'good games' to people. Ah yes. Ultimate. But, following the same logic, soccer, baseball (to an extent), basketball, surfing, football and other games are meaningful and get that heart going in a good way. All of them involve running (yes even surfing-you can run to the edge of the water). So why then just run? Well some of you might say that you can 'just run' by yourself and it's harder to organize a game of anything. Excuses, excuses. Running sucks by itself. If someone wants to run with me, that's one thing, but by myself I'd rather eat sand or shuck corn. Part of it could be because I have a bum knee that aches for days after any sort of substantial long distance running. Nah.

Mac Updates Saved my life.

Here's a conversation I was trying to have amidst a mac update:

Michael: Hey Suzie*, I've got to restart my computer...some mac update thing...so if you could just sit tight for like... I dunno 2-3 minutes...I'll be back.

Suzie: haha ok

Suzie: c ya

Michael: This update is quick...but it's interesting how slow I think it is...oh, and I just restarted my computer, and now it's asking me to do it again...I'm like a monkey jumping through hoops....what gives...

Suzie: uhhhhh

Michael: I hope to be back soon....

Suzie: ok ok


Michael: oh, now here's the kicker with this update: No devices were found that require this firmware update....wtf? I mean seriously. This auto-update put my whole world on hold for 10 minutes, so it could install some garbage that isn't even relevant to my computer....that is genius. I applaud Steve Jobs for that one.

Wow. I mean wow. Updates are a Godsend. I mean, they protect my computer, keep me 'updated,' and above all, let me restart my computer and take time to text message friends, get a drink, take a nap, or possibly use the bathroom and read an article of Reader's Digest. Thank goodness for mac updates.

*Name has been changed.