5 Reasons why "Juicing" is like peeing your pants

5) You can do it yourself

4) Everybody's doing it

3) It's easier than the alternative

2) It seemed like a good idea at the time

1) It's cool. Miles Davis.

The Internet is Sucking Out Our Brains.

(Yes, the brainsucking monster represents the internet)

Ok, I've milled this over a little bit.

Turns out, the Satire Report isn't generating the same kind of interest it used to. Some of this might be because I'm not longer in college or because most college kids aren't bored enough at school to read it (assuming they are my demographic), or because I just suck at writing. Perhaps I've lost my edge (assuming I ever had an edge). It might also be because I'm not as consistent as I once was (I'm willing to bet that's a large part of it). However, the truth is, most of the people who "visited" this site, just came for the pictures. People in the internet age don't have the attention spans to read whole articles (unless you have no life like me). In fact, most of my "readers" probably stopped reading this blog post after the first sentence (I know, unfair stereotyping, but c'mon, what did you expect?)

But there is a greater risk here. Sure, you might be disappointed if I stopped doing this blog (more likely you wouldn't care either way), but I think the person I would most disappoint would be myself. Why is that? Because I am unnecessarily addicted (connected, wired, glued, take your pick) to the internet. I spend WAY too much time reading articles, posting them on facebook, changing my twitter status, watching highlights and reading articles on ESPN.com, checking my mail, and basically living often times vicariously through online social networking mediums. What is happening? I'll tell you what is happening. The internet is sucking the life out of me. The online world is sapping my brain juice and feeding it to either the Matrix, the Deceptocons, or Bill Nye the Science Guy (possibly all of them).

(This woman is clearly being attacked by the internet)

But I guess it wouldn't bother me so much if I were the only sufferer of this brain-sapping, life-altering plague. There are more of us online social networking, blogging, article-reading zombies! We think we shape the world around us with our tweets and article reviews, but in truth we're just doing it out of lack of creativity, invention, or willingness to do something else that is probably more worthwhile anyway (That's not to say I don't workout, go running, eat things, go to parties, hang out, read books, play sports, try to get gainful employment, etc). But I could definitely limit my internet usage. I could call an old buddy on the phone (maybe go through all my phone contacts and delete the ones that hate me, or that I will never call). I could read several books. I could get some friends together and do something crazy MORE often. I could learn a couple more Italian and Brazilian food recipes. I could go surfing more. I could work at a real job (pending me receiving an offer) more. I could bone up on my Spanish, make abstract sculptures out of scrap sheet metal, finger paint with my toes, butt and ears, or build a sailboat. All good options. Oh, and I used to write more poetry. I could get back to that.

BAM! Look at all the non-internet stuff that I can do! And you can do. As Captain Planet (the environmentalist brainwashing tool that tainted our youth) would say: "The power is YOURS!" Or as G.I. Joe would say: "Now you know. And knowing is half the battle." Or as Larry the Cable Guy would say: "Get R Done!"

(Oh Captain Planet, you've destroyed the minds of so many little children. And to little guy that says, "heart" - you were unfairly ridiculed)

New Eco Car

NEWS UPDATE!!!: A new car company that was possibly founded by either Koreans, the Japanese or aliens is making cars that drive themselves. They run on a combination of fast food grease, ethanol, lipo-juice, tobacco products, and rum. The interior is made of low cost bamboo mats and banana leaves serve as sun visors. The total weight of the cars is only 400 pounds. That means that after an accident, they are conveniently disposable. In fact, they are trying to make them available to purchase at Holiday Inns. They can seat 4 normal people, 8 children, or 12 ethiopians. The name of the car is the POS-Series 7. Many would call if the perfect POS ever made. If you are interested in purchasing one dial 1-800 326-2727. That is 1-800-ECOCRAP.

The Secret Agent Mutes

I love mutes. They're so quiet it makes me think they might be secret agents. They lurk around and just blankly stare at you (probably sucking your soul and life juice). I think they are going to take over the world. The quiet people are secretly, subversively taking over. They seem harmless enough, lingering at the punch bowl at parties and only saying their name from time to time when someone asks them for it (all the while they read it off their name tag). They are so clever. They have us all fooled.



As for those people who find the need to talk, and frequently do so, they piss me off. They are do-nothings. They blab like the world cares about them, their problems and their occasional ideas. The mutes and quiet people will get them though. And soon. But, it worries me a little bit. I am not a quiet person. I am not a mute. But, maybe I can blend in to their secret underground culture by breaking my jaw. That's a good plan. Shhh. Don't speak.

The Natural Man

You would think that giving in to the 'Natural Man' would be allowing oneself to be beholden by some sort of absolutely repulsive animalistic carnality. And, perhaps, to a point, you are right. However, the natural man has his moments. When the natural man for example, is confronted by a horrible injustice or belligerent person they lash out with wrath, ferocity and powerful vengeance.

This is the most rudimentary form of justice: Revenge. However, it is not a methodical, deliberate, evil act, but an eye for an eye, damages for damages approach. And, despite what some may think, it is deliciously satisfying in the immediate, and perhaps long-term (it obviously depends on the case and the approach).

Another thing the natural man is good at is eating. However, the more appropriate word might be devouring. A natural man has an unquenchable appetite for flesh. He is a voracious, carnivorous fiend. There is no satiating his quest to gorge all in his path, be it cow, truck, dog, raw steel, boulders or reams and reams of carpet. However, he generally tends to eat the more edible things.

The natural man also is amazingly good at athletics. He can beat cheetahs, superman, smurfs and gummi bears at their best events. He can swim for days, fight for hours, and do bicycle kicks consecutively for weeks on end. He is a beast. Similar to the Brazilian soccer star Ronaldinho Gaucho or the French climber: Spiderman (who free hands the world's tallest buildings).

Let's give the natural man some credit, and maybe, from time to time, let him come out to play.

Connoisseurs of the Finer Things

It may come as no surprise to you that I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (Yes a mouthful). However, we are generally more commonly referred to as Mormons or LDS. I'd say that might save your mouth and mind the aggravation of memorization and your short hand the unease of remembering where to put a hyphen in the name. And, as you may also know, us Mormons have a fairly strict diet code that calls for us to, among other things, eat meat sparingly, eat plenty of grains, not drink alcohol, coffee or non-herbal teas. Because of this, it is amusing to me to see the sorts of things that other members of my church become connoisseur's and aficionados of (and yes, I realize I just ended that sentence with a preposition). Here is a list of what my friends (and myself) tend to be connoisseurs of:

*Chocolate
*Cheese
*Meats
*Baked Goods
*Juices
*Sauces

Now the reason I am sticking to just food products is because the educated elite (upper middle-class, yuppie types) tend to view themselves as something far superior to the rest of the world because they can recite different champagne and wine labels and years and tell people whether it has an earthy or fruity taste. To further their snub of the rest of the world that spends more time trying to scrape enough money together in order to buy a bowl of rice to feed a family of twelve, they boast of their knowledge of exotic coffee beans and capuccino and latte combinations. So, of course, to keep up with the Joneses, the LDS community have become purveyors of the aforementioned goods. As it turns out, chocolate is grown all over the world, from Brazil to New Guinea to Aruba and refined in Switzerland, Germany, Belgium, England and the US. And of course, depending on where it is grown, it has certain flavors. Chocolate from New Guinea has a bittersweet fruity flavor, while chocolate from Brazil has a richer smoother flavor.

Now I'm not going to go too deep into all of the combinations, flavors and possibilities of all of these foods, but suffice it to say, the LDS community is not missing much without wine and coffee. For instance, with juices, with just mango alone there are more types than even apples. Some exotic fruits that you may not have heard of are acerola, acai, mangosteen, ciriguela, chibutchicaba. And all have a plethora of health benefits and taste selection to offer. I'll go into more detail about this in later posts, but I'd love to hear your thoughts.