Man eaten by his own Koi fish.

Just this morning, in a small peaceful suburban cul-de-sac in central California, terror reigned supreme. All was calm. Sons were playing catch with their fathers. Wives were shopping for scarves with their daughters. And Grampa Joe was feeding the fish. Little did they know, a brutal slaying would occur.

At 567 Coral Drive where Grampa Joe lived, he had a koi pond. He loved his fish, and he was meticulous about feeding them. Unfortunately, today was the day the food ran out. But, the fish didn't know that. As Grampa made his way out to the pond he noticed that one of the fish had jumped out of the pond. Seeing the fish, he stooped down to pick it up. However, right as he did, another fish splashed water at his feet. He slipped and fell back into the pond in a graceful swan dive.

Only hours later did anyone notice Grampa Joe was gone. But it was too late. He was devoured by his fish. After 3 hours of very vigorous nibbling, Grampa Joe was unrecognizable.

"Suzy and I were in the house knitting sweaters for the homeless. We were just having so much fun, we didn't even think about Grampa Joe. I guess we got a little carried away," said Carol, her daughter.

Dr. Martin, expert on koi fish from the Institute of Ichthyology in Dearborn, Michigan said, "This is very irregular. Koi fish are usually too lazy to move more than a couple feet a day. For them to have eaten this man is quite odd. I worry about this new phenomenon. I'm thinking about having a koi fish BBQ this weekend to get rid of mine."

Grampa Joe's funeral will be held at 42 South Redford Lane at Ahab's Funeral Home in Lemon Cove, California. All those who own fish, or loved Grampa Joe are invited.

The Government Bails Me Out

Well, I'm sure you're all well aware that the government bailed out AIG with 85 billion dollars of worthless paper, then came back and made it $150 billion. Then, congress passed the $700 billion dollar TARP (Troubled Asset Relief Program) initiative to bail out almost any bank and lender with a good enough reason to stick its hand into Uncle Sam's pocket. Well, the government has just bailed out Citigroup with another $300 billion, and Obama has said he will pump in another $300 billion in another recovery plan when he takes office. That brings the tally (not including the other money appropriated directly by the treasury that didn't get as much press) to $1,450 billion. That's almost 1.5 trillion dollars. And, most people are saying that no end is in sight. When all is said and done the government of the US may have pumped in over 5 trillion dollars. 

But here's the kicker. The government has now decided to bail me out. I will get $70 billion. They say it's the largest bailout of a private citizen in our nation's history. 

The reason I deserve it is because if I don't get this bailout I will not be able to remain solvent. I personally backed over 40,000 mortgages in the US with my steely grin and chutzpah. But, in these uncertain times that's apparently just not good enough. Some who own my mortgages were going to default (Edna and George, Jay and Carla, Betty and Fred I'm referring to you in particular you pansies). 

In exchange for the money I've given the government a 30% stake in me. Good news? I still own myself. Mostly.

And you thought your money was worthless before this economic downturn. Ha. Quickly, start buying up gold coins! Or go on a quest like Super Mario, Sonic, or play Zelda.

Provo I bid thee farewell!

Provo I bid you farewell. Just like the Russians bid farewell to Rasputin. I bid you farewell like miners bid farewell to a decrepit mineshaft. I bid you farewell like a viking funeral. 

But, at the same time, I bid you goodbye like Murray does to the tech support lady on Flight of the Conchords season one: Leggy Blonde. And, in place of you I will party. Perhaps even becoming the Prince of Parties, as can be seen in the acid-tripping episode of Flight of the Conchords.

There will be much food and merriment. Turkeys will abound. White meat, dark meat, and gravy. Grrrraaaaaavvvvvvyy. There will be sumptuous pies, soups, breads, cranberry sauce, and stuffing. Lounging around will become my new and most favorite Olympic sport in which all I can win is the gold. Why? Why must I be so good at it? Golden turkey....Mmmmm.

But, sacrifices must be made. To get out of this place I have to take a plane. That flight leaves at 6am. So, I have to leave the house tomorrow at 4:30am. Seeing as I hit the snooze at least three times every morning when it goes off at 7:30am, it should be interesting. Worst case scenario: If I miss it I will have to eat turkey at some place other than my grandparent's house in California. Probably not the worst thing. The REAL worst case scenario: Sigourney Weaver wakes me up from my bed and tells me I have an alien inside of me. Only seconds later it pops out of my chest and eats all the turkey (One more reason to be anti-alien).

Goodbye Provo! I only wish it were a longer goodbye.

Moon Water!

A self-made billionaire who goes by the name of Bubba Fat has embarked on a quest to re-christen the entire bottled water industry. 

Bubba Fat decided one day while rolling around in piles of his money and left over popcorn that he was thirsty (and also bored with his money). So, his logical deduction was to make bottled water. 

However, the idea that struck him was anything but practical. Mr. Fat didn't just want to dig a hole in some cave or spring and sell the water he found, he wanted to tap the new glaciers recently discovered by the Japanese on the moon. He recounted the story of his epiphany to me:

"It was a late night and I had just finished watching the movie Hot Fuzz for the 7th time. The money piles were making my back a little stiff and I felt itchy. I sat up and I felt this parched sensation in my throat, as if I had just eaten 3 buckets of popcorn without anything to drink. Well, my butler said that is exactly what happened and he offered me a bottled water. The stuff tasted like...well...water. And it bored me. So, I decided to start my own little bottled water company, with moon water!"

Moon water. That is the name Mr. Fat has decided to name his new company. When asked about logistics he said:

"Well, initially the Chinese said I was too fat to go to the moon, but then they said there could be a way. They said they'd take me up there instead of the orangutan they were going to send (he didn't pass the drug test), and they wouldn't even charge me. So, I told them I'd throw down a hundred million if they made me a giant hose connected to a tank with a heater."

Mr. Fat says that if the trip is successful he might even branch out to making a product called Real Moonshine. He said he could make it in his basement with a touch of weed killer, moon water, and his "special ingredient."

"The market for bottled water is still growing, even with the facts out there that say it's not as healthy or as green as tap water. People are enticed by the novelty. And if it's novelty they want, I think moon water wins. It even beats that 10,000 year old Alaskan stuff any day," said Mr. Fat.

Bottled water and liquor from the moon. Could life get any better? I submit that it cannot.

The call of the ocean

I was listening to Hawaiian music in the shower this morning. The sound of the ukulele and the amazing vocal range of an almost 800 pound man named Israel Kamakawiwo'ole filled me with a longing for the ocean. The tropics. The beach. The surf. 

Part of this longing has to come from the fact that it is getting colder in Utah. That, and as it gets colder, the trees shed their leaves and I can see more of the barren desert that surrounds me. I get this feeling of distance from the sea. I almost believe it is gone. There is only a vast sea of brown earth. Oh sure, there are multiple shades of brown, but it's still brown.

I hate to see my surfboards idly leaning against the wall with nothing to do but hope. They were meant to ride the waves. I was meant to ride the waves. 

The ocean has always inspired men. It beckons like an unconquerable expanse. It is truly the last frontier, regardless of all of man's peregrinations and circumnavigations. We know very little about it. It's mystique and seemingly endless grip on the horizon fills the soul with wonder and contemplation. You can allow your mind to slip into an infinite blue that has no master. It liberates me. It is somehow home.

Well, I guess there's only one way to solve this problem. Ditch Utah. Go to the coast. Marry a mermaid. Live underwater with clownfish and sea turtles. And surf.

Armageddon!

I've heard a lot of people talk about how Armageddon is at hand because of the global financial collapse, pirates, Jesus moving into the White House, and even 200 narwhals getting trapped by encroaching winter ice. Well, I'm feeling a bit left out of the mix. So, I'm joining the chorus that believes Armageddon is upon us. Why, the moon even is turning red (when I look through my 3D glasses).

Here are some reasons to believe the end is near:

1. There is a huge pile of leaves in my front yard and no trees nearby

2. The entire BYU campus is being taken over by deer and quail

3. I don't have a car

4. global cooling - Narwhals trapped in ice and citrus crops plagued by frost

5. global warming - the Sahara desert is taking over the world

6. Androids are taking over (Haley Joel Osment)

7. Hillary Clinton is going to be Secretary of State

8. My room mate is a pirate

9. My front door is broken

10. I nearly choked on a granola bar the other day

11. Chavez is my next door neighbor

12. The book Twilight was made into a feature film

13. Sylvester Stallone made another Rambo film at 60 years old

14. No American in their right mind would by an American car

15. Iran is rounding up spy pigeons to be executed (last year it was squirrels)

16. Pandas are biting people who want to hug them

17. The new James Bond movie wasn't as good as the last one

18. Harry Potter is on the Queen's short list as "heir apparent"

19. I asked for my eggs to be over easy and they were scrambled

20. Hillary Clinton will be my boss if I get into the Foreign Service

21. 1 out of every 5 people have had their brains removed by video games

22. The East is relevant again in the NBA with: Boston, Cleveland, Detroit, Orlando & Indianapolis

23. Michael Jordan is doing Hanes commercials with Charlie Sheen

24. Obama is eating more corned beef

25. The Weather Channel is laying people off

26. Kids are getting arrested for farting

27. The astronauts fixing the space station can't even drink their own urine when they want to

28. Walmart is not having success in Russia

29. Martha Stewart might get a Presidential pardon

30. Val Kilmer is well over 200 pounds:More incriminating evidence

Eating pigs cures cancer

I've always believed that pigs are magical. Scratch that. I've never believed that.

But they do have a special place by my heart. It's that place slightly below it that digests my food. I like to call it 'stomach.' Honey ham is delicious. Ham for the holidays. Mmmmm. But whether you like pigs in between two slices of bread, or whether you wish you had a little pig running around your house instead of a dog, pigs are great.

And, if their succulent meat and intelligence level (higher than both dogs and cats) were not enough, a new study came out shows that eating them cures cancer. That's right. Eating ham and cheese sandwiches, a bag of pork rinds, a platter of pork chops, or even chewing on your dog's pig ear chew toy will save you from cancer. Cancer that you probably already have from using a microwave. Cancer that you got from sunbathing too long. Cancer that you were born with (like when your favorite sibling called you a cancer).

At this point you're wondering, "What chemical agent is it in pigs that saves us from cancer?" My answer: All of them. You are just going to have to accept the fact that Brazilian cannibals were right. You become what you eat. They used to eat only the most valiant and ferocious warriors so they could take on their strength and ability. Well, with pigs it is no different. You eat them and you become delicious and intelligent. And, because pigs are generally cancer free, you also become cancer free.

Voila! Bon apetite! Pass the bacon.

Easily Entertained

There are many characteristics that we find admirable in a person. We admire wit, intelligence, grace, determination, ambition, style, choice in sweaters (or one's choice not to wear them), quality of smile, robustness of girth, and many more.

But one which is more often overlooked is the ability to be easily entertained. In essence, it is to be able to be satisfied with the trivial, silly, inane, or perhaps slapstick of life. It is to get over one's depth for the sake of good old shallowness. It is the joy to be found in the superficial (I think a lot of women can relate to this). So that no one feels slighted let me give some examples: pictures of puppies and kittens, flower arrangements, cell phone games (like bejeweled), reading comics, jumping in leaves, eating raw cookie dough, writing nonsensical poetry and/or blogs, watching pet fish, staring at a freshly painted wall, psychoanalyzing your sane friends, crossword puzzles, and bingo.

Now you may recall that I have written about our tendency to distract ourselves almost endlessly with distraction and how that can be bad. However, this case is slightly nuanced. To be able to entertain oneself with the trivial is a survival mechanism. It's not something we do to avoid the big questions, but rather something we do in the mean time. For instance, at a dinner party you're not going to go up to some random person you've never met and say, "Do you believe life begins at conception?" You most likely will start of with, "That gravy is delicious, reminds me of my mom's home cooking." Then of course you can take that start into a conversation about your inner-child, but most likely it will stay on the level of un-intrusive triviality.

My point is that a self-contained person is a good person. If you can entertain yourself with little stuff, you are healthy. It does not mean you are forever trapped in a puddle of meaninglessness, but it means you have the tact and relaxed enough attitude to splash and find joy in the puddle without calling that same puddle into question, or ceasing to believe there is an ocean. 

So friends, let us frolic. 

What happened to Thanksgiving?

There are a lot of things to like about Utah. Let me start with that. There are mountains, valleys, canyons and plenty of crazy people full of beans. However, there is something recently that has me a bit disappointed.

Thanksgiving hasn't even happened yet and every local shop, town, and even houses are lit up and decorated like it's Christmas Eve. This used to be taboo, bad luck, a cardinal sin. Now, just like the ever expanding election season, Christmas is encroaching. Big time.

Walmart has had trees and lights up for more than 2 weeks. My room mate went to her friend's Grandma's house to put up Christmas lights this past weekend. And down on main street in Provo tinsel and ornaments adorn the street lamps. 

Not one turkey. Not one random colored gourd. No pumpkin pie. No pilgrims. No indians. No cranberry sauce. WTF?!?!?! I know Utah is far away from the original Plymouth colony with the Pilgrims and the Thanksgiving Feast, but I'm pretty sure its a NATIONAL holiday. At least give it a DAY of your precious time. Put up some fall colors, dress like a pilgrim or an indian, eat turkey, watch football, be with family. BUT don't, I repeat DO NOT put up Christmas decorations before Thanksgiving. That is sacrilege. 

Unfortunately I do not think this trend is relegated to Utah. Across this beautiful bounteous land that we can be thankful for, everyone is giving Thanksgiving the shaft. The retailers think they're being clever. They hope to cash in early on what promises to be a pretty dismal Christmas season. Maybe their mentality is, "Well if no one's going to buy anything because of the bad economy, I better extend the time for them to think about Christmas in hopes that the dupe themselves into thinking they actually have money." It's wrong. 

First off, Christmas* did not used to be a holiday where all we thought about was buying useless crap to give to people. It used to be a holiday of cheer, love, pine trees, Jesus, and mistletoe. Now it's a materialistic, superficial sack. And that sack is taking over a much less tainted holiday: Thanksgiving. We don't get or give presents on Thanksgiving. We spend time together as families and friends, remembering all the wonderful things, people, and the life we have been blessed with. We gorge ourselves in sumptuous 15 part meals and lounge around, or play sports, nap or talk. It's a wonderful holiday to remember what really matters in life.

Viva Thanksgiving! Turkey Empowerment! Eat more pie! Sleep for an entire day! Make love not Christmas!

*PS - I still love Christmas, in its own time, done the right way.

Gum you can eat

At least one time in your life you got it in your hair. Or, perhaps you swallowed it. Or, maybe you stepped on it, felt it under a desk, or even more commonly chewed it. 

Some people love it. To other people it is the bane of their existence. The biggest causer of their least favorite pet peeve. It is gum. It comes in more flavors than I actually have seen in real food. There's mint mojito, sangria, pineapple-melon, peppermint, cinastick, grape, strawberry-banana, sweet mint, and the classic bazooka joe bubble gum flavor. 

For many people it quenches a need. It staves off hunger, and makes your breath smell better than rotten garbage morning breath. And, for those same people, while they chew it, they might imagine that they're actually eating. And, perhaps in their mind they wish they could eat that delicious bubble gum. Well, now they can.

There is bubble gum yogurt and sandwich spread. No longer is it taboo to swallow gum. That's what this stuff is made for. It's even packed with vitamins and stuff so not only does it not have a negative effect like ordinary gum might have, but it in fact has a positive one. It's like the new peanut butter really. Soon it'll be used in brownies, and no doubt pies, cakes, cookies, and every other kind of delicacy. You might find it in your turkey this Thanksgiving, or you might find your filet mignon marinated in it. Mmmm. I bet that makes your mouth water. 

But, what happens to regular gum? Now that you can do what you always wanted to do - eat and swallow your gum - does gum have value anymore? Will you still feel satisfied chewing it? Will you mix things up and forget that not all gum is food? Will you boycott real gum? Is real gum really real? What makes a gum a gum? The very ontology of gum comes into question. It's a debacle.

It will most likely start an epidemic. People will be writhing in the streets extending their hands to the heavens for mercy, all the while choking on gum. People who chew with their mouths open will do so at their own peril. The homeless and those looking for a meal might start some more invasive procedures to fill their belly. Gum snatching could be considered a new crime. People who run out of money after paying their rent might just wait under park benches or movie theater seats.

Are we ready for gum yogurt? Are we ready for gum spread? Perhaps not.