The Bill Withers Omnibus

Here's probably one of the best songs you will hear today. I would argue ever. And, before I get too tangential, with some talk about chicken, hay, stimulus bills, or some the revenge of the nerds, I'm going to break it down. Now I do not profess to have anywhere near the ability of Bill Withers, but I want to assault your ability to read with a little abruptly disarming writing. I'm not a song writer, but my voice is not bad and I can play the cello, but, generally speaking that doesn't prove to be the best blog fodder. What does, at least for this blog, is satire, random issues, lists, crazy pictures, videos, and absurd pronouncements. Today I hope to quench that thirst for carefully articulated absurdity.

Today I will address several issues. Call it an omnibus post.

The first issue is how men and women speak. Yes it's hilarious to hear grown men who look huge say something, and then you realize they sound like they belong in the Vienna Boy's Choir. It is also equally disarming and scary (in a different way) to hear petite women with huge Bertha-esque pipes. But that is not the speaking I intend to speak (or write) about. No, I am going to talk about how men tend to be very visceral and detailed in their descriptions of women, while women tend to be very vague and purposely elusive when they describe men.

The reasons for this come down to differences in how men and women see, and are taught to see the world. When a woman describes a man, she tends to say, "He's cute," or, "He's nice," or something equally non-descript like, "He wears nice shirts." Now, this may not be the way all women describe every man, and indeed many women can be very descriptive, but on the whole, most of their vocalizations at least, tend to be mundane, and general. This is because women are taught to value men for their ambition, brains, wit, and things other than physical appearance (or, at the very least, pretend that that's all they care about).

The truth is, women are very concerned with looks as are men. But, maybe on the whole not so concerned as men. That has to do with our culture. Women are significantly more objectified than men. So men, on the other hand are extremely visceral (visually oriented) in their observations about women. A man will say uncouthly "She's got a tight butt," or "I like a woman with curves," or "Her lips are luscious." While some, if not all of these comments probably lack a great deal of tact in most situations, they are certainly more descriptive. And, although it certainly objectifies women, the men saying them are not entirely to blame.

In many instances, women have themselves to blame. Some can say they are driven to wear skimpy clothes by society and culture, and that it is too hard to find modest clothing that is fashionable, but when it comes down to it, it is a choice. However, and this may be where I raise the most ire, while I think men should be more careful with how they say things, I do not think they should be any less descriptive. And, on top of that I wish women were. While no one wants to be thoroughly diagnosed on his or her body image without any modicum of tact or censor (because we are in general fairly disparaging of ourselves without other people's help), being more to the point is nice.

For instance, if you've been working out at the gym for a while and have made noticeable improvements in your abdominal region or with your arms, legs or pectoral muscles, it is nice to feel legitimately validated. A guy is much more likely directly pin point another guy's calves and say, "Your calves are super toned, you're a beast," than a girl would be. So I guess if there's any lesson to be learned from this hopefully informative diagnosis, it is that men need to temper their descriptions a bit, and women need to be more descriptive. I don't care if he's "cute" "nice" or "fun." You haven't said anything about him.

Ok. Next issue.

Your versus you're. The first is a possessive pronoun. The second is a contraction combining the words 'you' and 'are.' Hopefully I am getting a resounding "duh" from those reading at this point. Unfortunately, while many may say "duh," even some of the smartest, and funniest people I know confuse the two, along with there, they're, and their, and all of those others. Now it's okay to flub up every now and then (the mafia will not kill you - right away anyway), but if it is a consistent problem I'm not about to blame public schools, although, I can.

When I see things written online like, "Your stupid" I laugh, wince, and then cry. I just cannot get over the irony. Here's a person making a declarative statement to in essence "put someone in their place" by calling them stupid, but in the same sentence, are sentencing themselves to the same stupidity. As soon as I see some response like that to anything I write online I really do not feel any need to respond. They have responded for me. But, as much as I relish in it, I really don't. It's painful. Like 'nails on a chalkboard,' 'passing a kidney stone,' 'having Jack Bauer torture me' painful.

And here's the last issue: Balloon animals, Babies, and cats. Why are they so funny?

The Manly Man vs. The Goober

There are many different kinds of men in this world. There are manly men, nerds, geeks, and goobers to name a few. Of course there is a lot of cross over at times, but they can, and are quite often distinct. This post will talk about the sharp distinctions between the goober and the manly man, and how unwittingly woman are beguiled by the former.

A goober as I referred to in a prior post, "is a person who is socially inept, awkward, goofy, or strange. A goober is born this way and cannot be changed. While what they do and how they interact with people may be funny, it is rarely their intention to be funny. They make themselves the butt of jokes not by choice, but by just being themselves."

A manly man, as I referred to in this post, is far deeper and complete. He is full of confidence and poise. He is patient and understands the concepts of justice and sacrifice. He is not a mere technician who settles for a piece when he can have the whole. A manly man is an alpha-male.

The goober may be nice, and even have some special hidden talent with which he woos women, and for a time, that may be all he needs. Let's say he can play the guitar. But, beyond that guitar is nothingness. He may have memorized how to cook one meal from a foreign country even, but beyond that all he's got are stupid human tricks. Now, as nice as super human tricks are ladies, if you are confronted with a bear, a robber, or a gang of would be rapists, which would you prefer:

a) A man who can cross his eyes, rub his belly, and whistle yankee doodle - or -

b) A man who can break bad guys necks with the snap of his finger?

I won't answer that. I think you know the answer.

Now let's take a look at the profundity of the manly man.

A manly man knows when to be charming and articulate, and when to be quiet and deadly. He can talk about philosophy and love, and turn around and stare down a rabid wolf. He is self-assured, and deep. He can in fact say more without words than a goober can stuttering off hours of inane platitudes. He does not satisfy himself with superficial tricks, but learns instead to plumb the depths of his talents and inner-most self. He might for instance play a more obscure, but more beautiful instrument than the guitar, like perhaps the piano, or the violin. And, when he plays, his soul sings through the music.

In other words, this difference of depth between the goober and the manly man comes down to confidence. The manly man understands his innate self-worth and does not seek public praise or approval to validate himself. The goober on the other hand, doubts himself. He does not know who he is or where he is going.

However, initially it is easy to be fooled. Superficial charm and calculated witticisms can look an awful lot like the real thing. So, perhaps some of you entertain the prospect of the goober, because he could be a manly man if you give it time. No. A manly man is subtle and nuanced in his approach to romance. He is not over the top because he doesn't need to be. He doesn't need to shake his plumage to announce himself, because it is in plain sight. That's who he is.

Perhaps some of your have gone out with a goober and then come to the realization later, and wished you hadn't. Perhaps you are satisfied with goobers. I can't say. But, as they say, patience is a virtue, and it is one virtue that the goober does not have. The manly man on the other hand lives his life by that virtue. He understands what's important in life. He can wait, but will you?

For more interesting information check out this article.

Easily Entertained

There are many characteristics that we find admirable in a person. We admire wit, intelligence, grace, determination, ambition, style, choice in sweaters (or one's choice not to wear them), quality of smile, robustness of girth, and many more.

But one which is more often overlooked is the ability to be easily entertained. In essence, it is to be able to be satisfied with the trivial, silly, inane, or perhaps slapstick of life. It is to get over one's depth for the sake of good old shallowness. It is the joy to be found in the superficial (I think a lot of women can relate to this). So that no one feels slighted let me give some examples: pictures of puppies and kittens, flower arrangements, cell phone games (like bejeweled), reading comics, jumping in leaves, eating raw cookie dough, writing nonsensical poetry and/or blogs, watching pet fish, staring at a freshly painted wall, psychoanalyzing your sane friends, crossword puzzles, and bingo.

Now you may recall that I have written about our tendency to distract ourselves almost endlessly with distraction and how that can be bad. However, this case is slightly nuanced. To be able to entertain oneself with the trivial is a survival mechanism. It's not something we do to avoid the big questions, but rather something we do in the mean time. For instance, at a dinner party you're not going to go up to some random person you've never met and say, "Do you believe life begins at conception?" You most likely will start of with, "That gravy is delicious, reminds me of my mom's home cooking." Then of course you can take that start into a conversation about your inner-child, but most likely it will stay on the level of un-intrusive triviality.

My point is that a self-contained person is a good person. If you can entertain yourself with little stuff, you are healthy. It does not mean you are forever trapped in a puddle of meaninglessness, but it means you have the tact and relaxed enough attitude to splash and find joy in the puddle without calling that same puddle into question, or ceasing to believe there is an ocean. 

So friends, let us frolic.