The Government Bails Me Out

Well, I'm sure you're all well aware that the government bailed out AIG with 85 billion dollars of worthless paper, then came back and made it $150 billion. Then, congress passed the $700 billion dollar TARP (Troubled Asset Relief Program) initiative to bail out almost any bank and lender with a good enough reason to stick its hand into Uncle Sam's pocket. Well, the government has just bailed out Citigroup with another $300 billion, and Obama has said he will pump in another $300 billion in another recovery plan when he takes office. That brings the tally (not including the other money appropriated directly by the treasury that didn't get as much press) to $1,450 billion. That's almost 1.5 trillion dollars. And, most people are saying that no end is in sight. When all is said and done the government of the US may have pumped in over 5 trillion dollars. 

But here's the kicker. The government has now decided to bail me out. I will get $70 billion. They say it's the largest bailout of a private citizen in our nation's history. 

The reason I deserve it is because if I don't get this bailout I will not be able to remain solvent. I personally backed over 40,000 mortgages in the US with my steely grin and chutzpah. But, in these uncertain times that's apparently just not good enough. Some who own my mortgages were going to default (Edna and George, Jay and Carla, Betty and Fred I'm referring to you in particular you pansies). 

In exchange for the money I've given the government a 30% stake in me. Good news? I still own myself. Mostly.

And you thought your money was worthless before this economic downturn. Ha. Quickly, start buying up gold coins! Or go on a quest like Super Mario, Sonic, or play Zelda.

Write-in Michael Powers!

The steady march of the oncoming election is inevitable. And, if you are instilled with the concept of patriotic civic duty, you also believe that at least the act of voting is also inevitable. However, you may have found yourself slightly dissatisfied, or even disaffected with your options. So, to that end, I provide you with another option.

Vote for me. Just take the ballot and write in "Michael Powers." 

I can make the claim of true bipartisan goals, and post-partisan ambitions. I can make the claim of truly putting America first, and seeing value in every person from those in the most humble of circumstances to with plenty to spare. 

I will work for you. I will always choose the right path, and not be subjected to a mob mentality. I promise to do the research and get to the root of our problems so that we create long term solutions as opposed to short term band-aids. I'm not interested in getting re-elected. I'm interested in making the future solid. I'm therefore not on a 4 year time table, but on a long term, big vision time table. I will not be subject to whims and fancies, but will be grounded in solid study, firm moral convictions, and belief in the American dream. 

It is that American dream that is attainable for all. But that dream is not made possible by the government, but by you the people. You are what make this country great. America is great in theory, but it is excellent in its practice. There are things in its practice that theory cannot account for and never will. Those are the intangibles. 

In a Powers administration you will not be coerced by general ideas that lead to dangerous ideologies and pantheism. You play an active role, by being your best self. It is not a matter of what your government can do for you as an individual, but what you as a citizen can do to make your government and civil society better. Catch the vision!

Write in Michael Powers this November 4th!

Do Not Attempt to Adjust Your Screen

Never fear readers! This is not a test. If anything, it's just a very bad cliche.

Your favorite blogger, the infamous Michael Powers, has left us for Brazil and for the time being you will have to settle for me, Enrique Estrella. Hopefully I will be able to provide you with the same amount of charm and wit and cynicism. At the very least I hope to keep your attention long enough so that you are still reading the Satire Report when Michael gets back. Tomorrow we return to our regularly scheduled programming.