Pickles Destroying the Environment, not really green

Pickles. Delicious, crunchy, succulent, green, great on sandwiches, great by themselves. A treat. Pickles first came about around 4400 years ago in Mesopotamia. The art of pickling was carried out and well known to the Indians, Greeks, and Romans. And, later was taken to the new world by the Jews, who came up with a worldwide sensation with the "kosher" dill pickle. 

The Kosher dill pickle is usually not kosher in the sense that it has been prepared under rabbinical supervision, which would ensure that no non-kosher ingredients were used, and that no utensil in contact with the pickles had ever been in contact with food that was not kosher. Rather, it is a pickle made in the traditional manner of Jewish New York City pickle makers, with generous addition of garlic to the brine (And, a little FYI - all cucumbers that become pickles become so in a vat of brine or vinegar).

However, something startling has come to the attention of many eco-crusaders and climate change experts. Pickles, while seemingly green and innocuous, and in fact quite delicious are in fact causing a large percentage of CO2 emissions that are causing global warming. From when they are planted and harvested all the way to being served on a kaiser roll with pastrami, one solitary pickle produces more devastating amounts of CO2 than even a direct flight from Hong Kong to LA in a 747.

Lenny Badsteubner of Reuben's Deli in the Bronx had this to say:

"Pickles are my livelihood. They are beautiful. They are crunchy. They bring smiles to all the little people's faces. I refuse to believe they destroy the environment. They are the environment in my Deli."

But even with his clever turn of phrases, Lenny might soon be out of work. The NYPD has been formally charged with making a pickle task force in conjunction with EPA officials. Their mission statement is to be, "Green they may seem, but green they are not. Kill the pickles. Let them rot."

Fred McGruff, a local police officer stationed near a deli said:

"I don't know who thought of that stupid mission statement, but even though my brain says, 'whoa, this is rash, you love pickles Fred, don't do this,' my heart and my boss say that it's either the pickles or us. It's come down to the last battle. Either I support an industry that's bound to bring about the end of the world and I lose my job, or I start smashing pickle jars like it's the new prohibition. And it's not like we're getting rid of chocolate ice cream."

Pickles, while delicious, and perhaps even endearing to some, are in fact destroying the world. Just a jar of pickles is said to warm the earth's atmosphere more than a thousand homes with their thermostats set on 90 degrees all winter. Apparently the vinegar and brine solutions are made with the help of very exasperated old Jewish men who exhale more of the stuff than a coal plant. That, and shipping the pickles in hybrid cars only exacerbates the problem. 

"I can't fit more than 3 big jars at a time in one of those hybrids, so I have to make lots of trips. That, and they say it's moot anyway because making hybrids is apparently less green than making normal cars. I'm at a loss. The only solution I can see is to just sell cucumbers on roadsides right next to the patch and call them pickles," said Benjamin Steinman of Kat's Deli said.

Whether the end of pickles has come or not remains to be seen, but, it does not look good. Cherished for centuries, pickles now face extinction. If only the Mesopotamians had known, this all could have been avoided.

First Snow: And brainwashing little kids

Well, I'm pleased to announce Provo's first substantial snowfall. We've got about an inch or two covering the ground and there are still some flurries shaking things up a bit as I write. The snow makes me happy, and reminds me that all of those Christmas movies with snow in them are still accurate even with the horrible Armageddon-like global warming that is sure to destroy humanity as we know it. 

But there's another thing that made me smile. I was watching a movie starring Daniel Day-Lewis and Emma Thompson called 'In the Name of the Father' which tells the story of the Guilford Four, a group of Irishmen who were accused of an IRA bombing that they did not commit. I highly recommend the movie. But the movie is not what I want to talk about. I was watching the film on hulu (an online aggregator of TV shows and movies made available legally online), and as I watched it, all of the commercials on it were sponsored by the Ad Council.

The Ad Council has some good messages, and some brain-washing ones. The one that struck me most powerfully was on global warming (Remember I was watching it as the snow was cascading down outside, as it still is). The ad had a bunch of little kids between the ages of probaby 5-9 who say the word 'tick' and 'tock' with cuts between the kids to make it all add up to this crescendo as if they're part of a time bomb. Then they ask the current generation to save them from "massive heat waves," "severe drought," "devastating hurricanes," saying, "Our future is up to you, go to fightglobalwarming.com, while there's still time." I was nauseated.

Once again little children are used as pawns in an effort to brainwash people into thinking the world is coming to an end. And it's all because of that evil, insidious gas called CO2. Yeah, that's right, the stuff you exhale every time you breathe is going to destroy the world for your grandchildren.

Here's the ad.

Here's my two cents: Fight the hysteria! Fight the real battles of AIDs, malaria, extreme poverty, water pollution, illiteracy, and malnutrition. Fight against problems that are proven, and that we can most surely fix. Global warming is not even directly correlated to man's CO2 production. How can you fight a problem that may not even be causally linked to man? Well, quite simply you can't. You cannot fight anything if you do not know what causes it. Do we know what causes water pollution? Do we know what causes illiteracy? Do we know what causes malaria? Yes. Yes. And Yes. Would it stifle innovation and cost an unforeseeable amount to attack these known problems? No. Can the fight against global warming say the same? No. Bjorn Lomborg gets the priorities right in this video.

So what is the solution? Better research. Level-headed research that doesn't politicize science. Saying that man-made CO2 will bring about the end of the world is as valid as me saying having a glass of wine a day will make you explode in 30 years.

Polar Bears become global warming skeptics

You've seen them on coca-cola commercials. You've seen them in made for TV documentaries. You've seen them in zoos. They are white, enormous carnivores who live in arctic. Yes, they are polar bears.

And, for a while now the global warming crowd has been using them as their poster child (bear). The claim is that the ice on which they navigate to hunt seals is dwindling to levels that a sure to endanger the polar bear. Well, the polar bears have decided to speak out.

This winter arctic sea ice closed in faster than ever. And, glaciers from Alaska to Greenland have expanded in size, and are continuing to do so. It is then, in this environment that the polar bears wanted a say. The leader of their movement, Papa Bear, called a press conference just this morning only a mile from a beach laden with overweight seals. Here is an excerpt from his speech:

"GRrrrrrrrrroooorrrr. uumph. RRRRRRROOOOOOughh," which, translated means, "We're joining the global warming skeptics."

A reporter from the BBC asked Papa Bear after the press conference why he had come out against the global warming crowd, and was promptly responded with a charge and then was mauled and eaten. All other questions following it were done from a loud speaker by reporters on an icebreaker several hundred yards from the coast.

Famous polar bear scientist Ralph Holmgren from Sweden had this to say of the news:

"I've been studying polar bears all my life. They are very intelligent and inquisitive. All of the ones I have been in contact with were rather unabashed when it came to their position on any issue, be it eating me, beating me, or destroying my shack. That the polar bears would make their political position on global warming in such a way doesn't surprise me."

This new revelation from the polar bear community is sure to turn the global warming argument on its head in the coming weeks. Those who most adamantly supported the polar bears prior to their announcement are now withdrawing their support. Phil Pfister of the IPCC said:

"Well, I used to think they were endangered by global warming. I gave my kids stuffed polar bear toys and polar bear posters to hang above their beds. But now those bastards have double-crossed us. They were the whole face of our argument. Now what are we supposed to do? I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I'm going to start by burning those posters and putting those stuffed animals on pikes. Then who knows, maybe we'll start picketing on the ice flows."

The backlash against the polar bears has been received by the polar bear community with indifference. A video blog response from Papa Bear showed him grunting for about five minutes while scratching his backside with a penguin.

Now Hiring: Somalian Pirates to write my blog

I know, I know. I was a little slow on the draw today. I'm posting this and it's almost 7pm. Well, I have a good excuse. I was writing a paper all day. And, I have another 3 to go before the week is out. The good news is that the big ones are pretty much out of the way. 

In other news, I thought it was funny that Al Gore is being sued by the man who founded the weather channel. He's got a great voice (the weather channel guy, not Al Gore). Here's the link.

I'm going to apologize in advance for any extremely brief and/or unentertaining blog posts in the coming week. The planets are aligning, Space invaders are en route, France is taking over England, Dogs and Cats living together....MASS HYSTERIA! That and it's the last week before finals, and the week in which all of my papers are due.

I might hire a group of illegal immigrants or Somalian pirates to write my blog. 

Armageddon!

I've heard a lot of people talk about how Armageddon is at hand because of the global financial collapse, pirates, Jesus moving into the White House, and even 200 narwhals getting trapped by encroaching winter ice. Well, I'm feeling a bit left out of the mix. So, I'm joining the chorus that believes Armageddon is upon us. Why, the moon even is turning red (when I look through my 3D glasses).

Here are some reasons to believe the end is near:

1. There is a huge pile of leaves in my front yard and no trees nearby

2. The entire BYU campus is being taken over by deer and quail

3. I don't have a car

4. global cooling - Narwhals trapped in ice and citrus crops plagued by frost

5. global warming - the Sahara desert is taking over the world

6. Androids are taking over (Haley Joel Osment)

7. Hillary Clinton is going to be Secretary of State

8. My room mate is a pirate

9. My front door is broken

10. I nearly choked on a granola bar the other day

11. Chavez is my next door neighbor

12. The book Twilight was made into a feature film

13. Sylvester Stallone made another Rambo film at 60 years old

14. No American in their right mind would by an American car

15. Iran is rounding up spy pigeons to be executed (last year it was squirrels)

16. Pandas are biting people who want to hug them

17. The new James Bond movie wasn't as good as the last one

18. Harry Potter is on the Queen's short list as "heir apparent"

19. I asked for my eggs to be over easy and they were scrambled

20. Hillary Clinton will be my boss if I get into the Foreign Service

21. 1 out of every 5 people have had their brains removed by video games

22. The East is relevant again in the NBA with: Boston, Cleveland, Detroit, Orlando & Indianapolis

23. Michael Jordan is doing Hanes commercials with Charlie Sheen

24. Obama is eating more corned beef

25. The Weather Channel is laying people off

26. Kids are getting arrested for farting

27. The astronauts fixing the space station can't even drink their own urine when they want to

28. Walmart is not having success in Russia

29. Martha Stewart might get a Presidential pardon

30. Val Kilmer is well over 200 pounds:More incriminating evidence

Inducing deep thoughts and vomiting

Sometimes I wonder, "How can I best engage my readers? What polemic or ridiculousness will incite them to continue reading this? What topic will induce deep thoughts, and which will induce vomiting? Can I get both?"

I know when I look for things to read I generally like good titles. Like this one:

Jogger runs mile with rabid fox locked on her arm

or this one:

Dried Mushrooms may slow global warming

Whether I strike a chord with people, or just offend them, I want them to keep reading. I want them to think. I want them to get red in the face or flustered. I want a reaction. An anemic people produce nothing great. I want people to strive for greatness. They need to be charged. They need to believe in themselves. Of course I disagree with people. Even the most similar of people disagree from time to time. But that's not the point. I just want people to think. To react. To internalize. To digest. To push for change, or to hold on to tradition. I want them to do something, or do nothing, but for a reason.

And with that, here is a funny, but irrelevant clip from a British sketch comedy show called Man Stroke Woman on BBC3.

Gladiator!!!

Tonight at 10:30pm my brother and I are holding gladiatorial games at our house. I have thus far put 2 benches, 4 chairs, and a tent on the roof for viewing of the 'arena.' It should be a very exciting and abusive event. We will have 2 on 2 battles, the individual tournament and chariot races. And, as my brother is going back to Mexico and Haiti to make more documentaries for humanitarian projects, people are asked to bring a little contribution if possible to help the people of those regions. Proceeds will go to covering some of my brothers limited expenses and anything beyond that feeds the hungry.

But, I want to point something out for a moment. Gladiatorial games originally were dreadfully horrid affairs with carnage, death, and debauchery. They were something the Romans did to entertain their citizens so the government could sway public opinion in their favor and get people to look away from their frequent ineptitude. However, as we have our event this evening, we do it for a charitable cause. To elucidate the plight of the voiceless. To feed the hungry, clothe the naked, and bring peace to the war-ravaged nations and peoples of the earth. So while the event is violent, competitive, and even fun, the effect is peace, unity, and love. Just an interesting juxtaposition.

Spiderman!

Spiderman is real. And, he's French. I know that is a blow to some of you, but you're just going to have to deal with it. His name is Alain Robert. He climbs tall buildings with the greatest of ease and he doesn't even need web junk spewing out of his palms. He uses a chalk bag on occasion instead.


Alain Robert has been climbing the world's tallest buildings for some time now. He does not ask permission (because he's Spiderman) and when wants to climb one he simply goes to the city that has the building, finds the building, and up he goes. He generates quite a spectacle, and people tend to gather down below, or stop working to watch him climb from a nearby office building. Typically when he reaches the top the police are waiting there for him. However, to date, no one has prosecuted him (you can't prosecute Spiderman).


So a couple days ago he climbed the New York Times building carrying a banner about global warming, and our impending doom if we didn't do something. The banner read, "Global warming kills more people than 9/11 every week." Well, it's one thing if Spiderman is saving Mary Jane and attacking Doctor Octopus, but when he starts going political I start to lose respect, especially when you start comparing global warming to terrorism. The only way he's going to gain it back is if he carries my banner about global cooling to the top of the Petronas Towers in Malaysia (which, consequently, he has already climbed).

Spring=Global Cooling

Spring.  What a misleading word for such a muddled and ambiguous time of year.  In the spring it's not always particularly warm, and it rains a lot.  I like rain.  But it's not warm rain.  It's cold rain, and for a couple of days this May at least, it was snow.  I mean, it didn't stick, but it was not as pleasant as some springs I remember back in the day.  Before global cooling.

That's right friends.  Sound the alarm.  This is our new crusade.  Global cooling.  If it weren't for all of our potato, fast-food eating and overall flatulence and gas guzzling, we would be even closer to the precipice of the next ice age.  But, fortunately, the more greenhouse gas we can contribute, the better.  That's the only thing saving us from a catastrophic global freeze.  

Solar activity has been at a near standstill for several months now, and if it continues much longer, we're in deep doo doo.  So I encourage you all to drive more, burn mountains of tires in your backyard, start a cattle farm and eat more potatoes and fast food.  At least then, just maybe spring will have a little more bounce in it.  Maybe, just maybe it will be a pleasant 70 degree day, rather than 30s and 40s and overcast with a chance of snow.  If you aren't worried about global cooling, you hate the environment.  End of story.

Snow on April 11th

All I have is an acronym: WTF. So much for global warming. I am ready to welcome it with open arms. Seriously. Winter's grasp is so strong it has killed spring so far. Killed it. It was snowing last night and this morning with random flurries throughout the day. I want heat. Bring on a new medieval warm period like during the Renaissance! I want sunshine. I want to be able to cook eggs on the asphalt. I want more UV and sun cancer! Bring on the sun. We need more flatulent cows, more diesel fumes! Let's accelerate this thing!

Gorebal Warming

No, that wasn't a typo. That is the new turn of phrase I heard this evening and believe bears repeating. Global Warming, or the emotional science of panic and hysteria that blames mankind for any and all climate change, has been pioneered and pushed to the political forefront by none other than Al Gore. Al Gore is very good at manipulating people into hating themselves and their lifestyles, while still maintaining his own, gas-guzzling, green-free way of life.

What?! Al Gore is all talk? Yes. How so you ask? Well, quite simply, he uses offset credits. When he takes a long trip on private jets, he buys these credits to offset his carbon footprint. Now, he'll also tell you that his house runs entirely on natural gas, which is true. But what he won't tell you is that natural gas is a fossil fuel, limited in abundance just as oil is, and rather inefficient in comparison. Furthermore, the real shocker is that President Bush, supposedly the big business, environment hater has ranch in Crawford, Texas that is the model of green science. Using deep underground cisterns, he cools his home with a design that uses the land it is built on to cool it in the summer and warm it in the winter. That being said, he does not even need to buy offset credits.

Now, I am not going to say that the climate doesn't change, or is not changing. The climate is always changing! And, it will continue to do so, with or without our help(not to say that we should not be good stewards of the planet). I have read article after article of snow in places of the world where it hasn't done so in 50 or 100 years. There is frost across parts of Australia. It snowed in Buenos Aires, Argentina and Johannesburg, South Africa. Denver had its coldest June since the 1930s. People are dying in Peru of sub-zero temperatures, while the jungle hovers at 50 degrees F. Now, if that isn't a stamp of approval on the global warming alarmist agenda, I don't know what is. Of course, not to omit that obviously we release greenhouse gases, the amount we release is minimal in overall picture. And, greenhouse gases make up only a fraction of the atmosphere.

Is it likely, as some predict that the polar ice cap will melt during the summer months in the next ten years? No. And would we have reason to fear the ocean rising significantly if it did? No. Why? Just remember that when a waiter pours you a glass of ice water, if you don't touch it, he can still come back later and fill it, even if it was full to the brim. Why is that? Because water expands when it freezes, and contracts when it melts. Therefore, any melting icecaps will displace less water than they currently do. Food for thought.

Another interesting fact is that we have heard that "global average temperature" is rising. How is it possible to come up with a "global average temperature?" Do these theorists have any idea how much space is uninhabited by humans in the world? And, how are these thermometers, mostly located in urban areas, where population growth has continued, more buildings and concrete has been erected, supposed to accurately show a trend, when many are placed next to international airports, and air-conditioning vents? Quite obviously there will be discrepancies, and even with these discrepancies, the results are inconclusive, and not statistically significant.

On the whole I just want good, solid science and not this political panic attack on the public's conscience. Of course we should do our part, recycling and planting trees, and picking up litter, but we don't need to carve scarlet letter's on our chests and re-adapt our car engines to run on fry-ilator grease.

E85, on another note, is driving up the price of corn, because it uses the cob, rather than the stalk to create the ethanol. Furthermore, E85 is not a solvent industry by itself. It needs government subsidies to keep it afloat. However, there is good news about E85. Some paper forests in the Carolinas and Georgia, like those owned by Georgia Pacific, are planning ethanol plants using the waste cellulose from cuttings and the paper process to create energy. This should be viable in only a few short years, and the plant will be up and running in one year. Now, if they could use the corn stocks instead of the cobs, then E85, might be a reasonable solution. But for now let's start using our resources!

We are the Saudi Arabia of coal. We have untouched deposits in most of the lower 48 states. We also have untouched oil and natural gas deposits off the gulf coast and in Alaska. If we could tap these resources, we would reduce our foreign dependence by more than 80 percent. However, thanks to the lazy, self-interested politicians who say more than they do, these resources are "protected." Translation: un-usable; off-limits. They say the best way to reduce foreign dependence is by using solar, or wind power, which attributes to less than 2% of the nation's power needs. Oh yes, and hydroelectric accounts for another 3-5%. Well gee, that still leaves 93%. And how do we get that energy? Evil fossil fuels. And, just a question, but when was the last time an oil drill killed a seagull? Oh wait, that's wind power. When was the last time you used a plastic fork? Oh wait, you wouldn't have that without fossil fuels.

There is, however, need to panic. As China totally rebuilds itself as it prepares for the Olympics, it guzzles fossil fuels, and corners the market on construction materials. The real problem with that is simple. They are building power plants and generating industry to create steel and construction materials. The US, disabled by politicians from using its power-creating might, sees its steel industry and construction industry enter into serious decline, with material prices sky-rocketing in result. In conjunction with the devaluation of the dollar, these effects have brought about the ridiculous housing bubble, which fortunately, people are finally starting to wake up to.

The Armageddon, doom and gloom predictors who say we cannot use fossil fuels or drive our cars because of global warming, are the same hypocrites who do just what they ask others not to do. I call for something different. No more panic, but sensible, rational moderation. Let us allow for scientific discourse and not vilify those who don't buy into the global warming panic. It might be part of a larger, thousand-year trend. We cannot outlaw CO2 as some have done. Plants need it. And, let us remember who is really to blame. The cows. That's right. Cattle and sheep contribute more greenhouse gas than all man-made emissions by some 20 times the volume. It's just not as simple as the IPCC makes it out to be.