The Corn Dog Diet

Corn dogs: neither corn on the cob, nor a dog. Sure they contain corn, and hot dogs, but that just opens a whole new can of worms. Hot dogs aren't made from dogs either. In fact they're made from excess pig parts that no one else wanted. So why not call a hot dog a "hot cylinder of pig entrails," and call a corn dog a "cylinder of pig entrails wrapped in processed corn bread." Mmmm. Just makes the mouth water. But, even knowing all that, and renaming it, people would still buy them. Why? Because they taste good. Sure, they might give you a coronary, but what doesn't these days? I mean you can have heart problems from eating hamburgers and french fries for crying out loud. You can become sterile from staring at a microwave, or get brain cancer from using your cell phone too much. So, why not indulge in a corn dog? Might as well.

I know I won't turn one down when I'm offered one. 

But, speaking of corn dogs, I have a friend who loves them. He in fact lives off of them. I'm not kidding. He eats a steady diet of corn dogs and soda. And yet, he manages to remain quite trim and full of vim and vigor. Some of you may envy him, and rightly so. He is a man of men. God of corn dogs. A brilliant anomaly showing just how good processed food and American consumerism can be to one person. This is why I suggest the corn dog diet. I do not suggest it for Jewish people, unless they can find corn dogs that are made of lamb, but for all the other heathens I whole-heartedly endorse it. This is how the corn dog diet looks each day of the week:

Breakfast:

Microwave 2 corn dogs

Remove ketchup bottle from refrigerator

Remove 2 liter bottle of root beer from refrigerator

Eat corn dogs with ketchup

Pour a glass of root beer

Refill glass as needed

Lunch

Microwave 3 corn dogs

Remove ketchup bottle from refrigerator

Remove 2 liter bottle of root beer or coke from refrigerator

Eat corn dogs with ketchup

Pour a glass or root beer or coke

Refill glass as needed

Dinner

Microwave as many corn dogs as you want

Remove ketchup bottle from refrigerator

Remove 2 liter bottle of Dr. Pepper from refrigerator

Eat corn dogs with ketchup

Pour a glass of Dr. Pepper

Refill glass as needed

Repeat Daily.

I hope I have not sent too many of you to your unwitting and unfortunate demise. Good luck.

Eating pigs cures cancer

I've always believed that pigs are magical. Scratch that. I've never believed that.

But they do have a special place by my heart. It's that place slightly below it that digests my food. I like to call it 'stomach.' Honey ham is delicious. Ham for the holidays. Mmmmm. But whether you like pigs in between two slices of bread, or whether you wish you had a little pig running around your house instead of a dog, pigs are great.

And, if their succulent meat and intelligence level (higher than both dogs and cats) were not enough, a new study came out shows that eating them cures cancer. That's right. Eating ham and cheese sandwiches, a bag of pork rinds, a platter of pork chops, or even chewing on your dog's pig ear chew toy will save you from cancer. Cancer that you probably already have from using a microwave. Cancer that you got from sunbathing too long. Cancer that you were born with (like when your favorite sibling called you a cancer).

At this point you're wondering, "What chemical agent is it in pigs that saves us from cancer?" My answer: All of them. You are just going to have to accept the fact that Brazilian cannibals were right. You become what you eat. They used to eat only the most valiant and ferocious warriors so they could take on their strength and ability. Well, with pigs it is no different. You eat them and you become delicious and intelligent. And, because pigs are generally cancer free, you also become cancer free.

Voila! Bon apetite! Pass the bacon.

Distracted from distraction by distraction

"We spend so much time with what we think matters that we don't really think about what really matters."

This thought has been with me for a long time. It has constantly resurfaced as I study philosophy. It can be seen in Heidegger, Tocqueville, Aristotle, and even Nietzsche. However, I am not going to write an enormous post showing how each one of those philosophers led me to this belief, but rather I want clarify what I mean by it.

So often we subject ourselves to long work days, mundane chores, and rather insignificant tasks. We are so busy distracting ourselves with distraction, that we don't know what to do with ourselves when we don't have a quest. We look for ways to be more efficient for efficiency's sake. We don't use microwaves so we can spend our leisure time philosophizing. We use them so we can spend more of our leisure time working to make more microwaves. In truth, thinking technologically, we have no leisure time.

The soul is empty without a root in the metaphysical, or even in the local world around us. Breathing in the air, smelling the roses, watching the clouds, or the mere act of walking helps root us in a reality made real by a hierarchical metaphysical foundation. Everything denotes there is a God. Regardless of how advanced your temporal conjectures are, they will always be lacking. So if we only focus on the newest, best, and fastest, we distract ourselves from the reality that we always fall short of the mark. There must be something better. Something needs to fill the void of our failure. We cannot find satisfaction in being infinitely dissatisfied. I cannot compete with the Joneses. I have to look up before I look sideways.

I don't say stop going to school, stop climbing the corporate ladder, stop fixing car engines and plumbing fixtures, but put it on pause. Know why you do it. Enjoy your relationships with friends, family, and God. Spend time thinking about the world in a particular way. Don't try to surmise the whole and make sense of it all with general ideas and theorems. Just try to understand what's important. What you can understand in your frame of reference.

Microwave Magic

I've always thought of microwaves as assistants to the cook. For me, they just heated things up. They melted cheese and reheated food. They filled space in the kitchen.

But now I've discovered they can actually cook food. It's the lazy man's dream. You can start with a frozen chicken breast and in 10 minutes its a teriyaki marinated chicken breast. You only have to be open to the chance that you might get cancer or go sterile. But, it's worth it. It's so easy. Just grab the frozen chicken breast, put it in for 3 minutes to defrost, then cover it in teriyaki marinade and put it in the microwave for another 7 minutes. And, it does potatoes in a quick 7 minutes. It heats up water for hot cocoa in a minute. So easy. 

Facility and Sterility. You can have both.