The 'Suck' Epidemic

From athletes to actors, to politicians, a terrible epidemic is sweeping the ranks of the rich and famous. Just today actor Sean Penn came down with a terrible case of "suck." But, Penn is not alone. Alex Rodriguez (third baseman for the New York Yankees), along with his latest injury to both his hip and his reputation, has also come down with a severe bout of "suck." And, just a few months ago, Rod Blagojevich had a near cardiac arrest from "suck" and is now situated in an iron lung with feed tubes. 

This epidemic is not new, and in fact has taken many casualties over the years. However, for as long as it has been around, no cure has been found. It tends to affect the unscrupulous (those without scruples), the corrupt, the stupid, and although seems to affect mostly the most visible in society, it is communicable to anyone. For instance, a couple months ago a girl who refused to go out with a friend of mine was struck down with "suck."

Some more famous people who have suffered from "suck" in the past, and may still be dealing with this life-altering disease are: Madonna, Paul Begala, Larry Craig, Cher, Osama Bin Laden, Nancy Pelosi, Tom Cruise, R. Kelly, Geraldo, Paris Hilton, and Oprah.

It tends to hit people at lulls in their careers, comebacks in their careers, or just every moment they spend fully conscious. It leads to horrible music and art for musicians and artists, ridiculously useless policy from politicians, and very bad movies and acting from directors and actors.

Here are some quotes from people suffering from suck:

"I kill myself for my body." - Cher

"Every month that we do not have an economic recovery package 500 million Americans lose their jobs." - Nancy Pelosi

"I didn't spend a lot of time on national security the American people will be glad to know." - Paul Begala

"I'm old, but I'm still cute and strong. And very butch" - Geraldo Rivera 

"Every woman should have four pets in her life. A mink in her closet, a jaguar in her garage, a tiger in her bed, and a jackass who pays for everything." - Paris Hilton

"I think the longer I look good, the better gay men feel." - Cher

"Not only did I get an A in music but I got an A in ladies." - R. Kelly

"I'm learning English at the moment. I can say 'Big Ben', 'Hello Rodney', 'Tower Bridge' and 'Loo'." - Cher

"If I was a girl again, I would like to be like my fans, I would like to be like Madonna." - Madonna

"There are some cigarette burns in some funny places." - Sean Penn

"I don't really think, I just walk" - Paris Hilton

"I'm scared to death of being poor. It's like a fat girl who loses 500 pounds but is always fat inside. I grew up poor and will always feel poor inside. It's my pet paranoia" - Cher

"It's a, 'Bad boy, Bill Clinton. You're a naughty boy'... The American people already know that Bill Clinton is a bad boy, a naughty boy. I'm going to speak out for the citizens of my state, who in the majority think that Bill Clinton is probably even a nasty, bad, naughty boy." - Larry Craig

"I don't like being a voyeur, looking into other people's marriages." - Paul Begala

"I always thought I should be treated like a star." - Madonna

"I think of myself as Special Forces, clearing the path for the infantry." - Geraldo Rivera

"Wal-mart... do they like make walls there?" - Paris Hilton

For some there may still be hope, but for most, they are on life support. To help find a cure make checks out to "Stop Suck Now" and mail them to Sean Penn's fan club.

Gum you can eat

At least one time in your life you got it in your hair. Or, perhaps you swallowed it. Or, maybe you stepped on it, felt it under a desk, or even more commonly chewed it. 

Some people love it. To other people it is the bane of their existence. The biggest causer of their least favorite pet peeve. It is gum. It comes in more flavors than I actually have seen in real food. There's mint mojito, sangria, pineapple-melon, peppermint, cinastick, grape, strawberry-banana, sweet mint, and the classic bazooka joe bubble gum flavor. 

For many people it quenches a need. It staves off hunger, and makes your breath smell better than rotten garbage morning breath. And, for those same people, while they chew it, they might imagine that they're actually eating. And, perhaps in their mind they wish they could eat that delicious bubble gum. Well, now they can.

There is bubble gum yogurt and sandwich spread. No longer is it taboo to swallow gum. That's what this stuff is made for. It's even packed with vitamins and stuff so not only does it not have a negative effect like ordinary gum might have, but it in fact has a positive one. It's like the new peanut butter really. Soon it'll be used in brownies, and no doubt pies, cakes, cookies, and every other kind of delicacy. You might find it in your turkey this Thanksgiving, or you might find your filet mignon marinated in it. Mmmm. I bet that makes your mouth water. 

But, what happens to regular gum? Now that you can do what you always wanted to do - eat and swallow your gum - does gum have value anymore? Will you still feel satisfied chewing it? Will you mix things up and forget that not all gum is food? Will you boycott real gum? Is real gum really real? What makes a gum a gum? The very ontology of gum comes into question. It's a debacle.

It will most likely start an epidemic. People will be writhing in the streets extending their hands to the heavens for mercy, all the while choking on gum. People who chew with their mouths open will do so at their own peril. The homeless and those looking for a meal might start some more invasive procedures to fill their belly. Gum snatching could be considered a new crime. People who run out of money after paying their rent might just wait under park benches or movie theater seats.

Are we ready for gum yogurt? Are we ready for gum spread? Perhaps not.

So what if me and the colonel know each other on a first name basis?

Obesity. It's a serious problem in this country. It's almost a world-wide epidemic. 

Now, that being said, it's bad enough to be called 'obese', but then why do doctors, lawmakers, and other people need to sub-classify some people as 'morbidly obese'? Either you're obese or you're not. Do we really need to attach scary adverbs like morbidly? It makes the person feel like they are not only fat, but part of a freaky haunted house at a bad halloween party. Guess what?! That fat isn't a halloween costume, and this isn't a Stephen King novel. Saying morbidly obese is just uncaring. 

So I think we should reclassify these people in a more PC way. 

Perhaps saying they are 'weight impaired'. Or, maybe 'the more blessedly obese'. Or 'the reason we have good NFL lineman'.