The Government Bails Me Out

Well, I'm sure you're all well aware that the government bailed out AIG with 85 billion dollars of worthless paper, then came back and made it $150 billion. Then, congress passed the $700 billion dollar TARP (Troubled Asset Relief Program) initiative to bail out almost any bank and lender with a good enough reason to stick its hand into Uncle Sam's pocket. Well, the government has just bailed out Citigroup with another $300 billion, and Obama has said he will pump in another $300 billion in another recovery plan when he takes office. That brings the tally (not including the other money appropriated directly by the treasury that didn't get as much press) to $1,450 billion. That's almost 1.5 trillion dollars. And, most people are saying that no end is in sight. When all is said and done the government of the US may have pumped in over 5 trillion dollars. 

But here's the kicker. The government has now decided to bail me out. I will get $70 billion. They say it's the largest bailout of a private citizen in our nation's history. 

The reason I deserve it is because if I don't get this bailout I will not be able to remain solvent. I personally backed over 40,000 mortgages in the US with my steely grin and chutzpah. But, in these uncertain times that's apparently just not good enough. Some who own my mortgages were going to default (Edna and George, Jay and Carla, Betty and Fred I'm referring to you in particular you pansies). 

In exchange for the money I've given the government a 30% stake in me. Good news? I still own myself. Mostly.

And you thought your money was worthless before this economic downturn. Ha. Quickly, start buying up gold coins! Or go on a quest like Super Mario, Sonic, or play Zelda.

Facebook, girls, and my friend "Phil"

Well, I have a whole list of topics to write about for the next few days, but when I showed the list to my brother he said, "Meh." 

So I asked what I should write about. He said, "Girls." With no further elaboration, I really didn't see myself writing anything worthwhile today.

However, I will make this as interesting as possible. Let's start off with a hypothetical situation in which a "friend of mine" might find himself currently. Let's call him Phil. 

So Phil is interested in this girl. He's only spoken to her on one occasion, and has only seen her in passing since then. Phil is an avid baseball fan and decided to watch a certain game on Sunday night instead of going to a function that would have helped him see this girl again. Thinking that perhaps another week would go by without him having an opportunity to get her number, he did something he finds quite tacky. Phil and this girl are friends on facebook. So, he writes her a note to the effect that he wanted to talk to her, watched baseball instead of going to the function, wanted her number, knew he could get it through other means, but wanted to get it from her (even if it were through facebook, which is regrettably lame). 

He sent the message Sunday evening. It is now tuesday. He has no desire to do a follow-up without a response, but still sees her from time to time in passing. 

What should he do?

Here are my thoughts. First off Phil, you're an idiot. You shouldn't have told her that you saw the game instead of going to the function. But even before that, if you know where she lives you should have gone over to her house and asked her out, used that as a pretext to get her number and voila! But, seeing that we can't do anything about what is past, you will have to a) wait for her response and if you don't get one, just pretend it never happened, or just say someone took over your facebook account or b) talk to her the next time you see her and ask her for her number (but don't bring up the facebook thing. If she does, just pretend that you don't know what she's talking about). If it works out, you got lucky. If not, well, my first comment stands.

PS - Enjoy this picture:

My love affair with Sarah

Well, I say if the media can have a love affair with Barack Obama, then I certainly can have a love affair with Sarah Palin. The difference of course would be that my affair would be strictly platonic. I wrote a brief about her on the day McCain picked her as a running mate, but now I'm going to give a more thorough break down on the night she is to accept the republican vice presidential nomination.

Many say that she was not vetted appropriately or carefully enough, and now McCain's camp is supposedly 'reeling' from the recent news about Palin's 17 year old daughter being pregnant out of wedlock. Folks, this really is a non-issue, and a weak attempt to discredit her through her kids (it has nothing to do with her ability to lead, or run a government). The second big one that people say is that she's inexperienced. Guess what? She has more executive experience than Obama, Biden, and McCain combined. None of them have held executive office. She has since 1992 (as both Council Member and Mayor of Wasilla, AK and as governor of Alaska for 2 years). The next way that people try to discredit her is by saying that she's neglecting her children and cannot be both a mom and a governor or Vice President. That is blatantly sexist and wrong. Does anyone question Obama's ability to be a father and President? 

But, something I do love about the recent ads, and counter-ads by both campaigns recently is that they are pitting Palin against Obama, rather than McCain against Obama, as if she were going to be President! I love it. In fact, I would vote for her as President over McCain, Obama, and most certainly Biden. 

(By the way, this is a picture of Sarah in Kuwait, visiting the troops, long before Obama did his bogus trip around the world - and the generals were impressed with her shooting accuracy)

Some of my friends and readers think that I like her because she's pro-gun, anti-abortion, pro-drilling (energy independence), and supports this country's ability to defend itself (pro-military - not pro-war, because c'mon, no one is pro-war). And, my friends and readers would be mostly correct.  Except, strangely enough, the reason I most like Palin is because she's a mother of five. 

For me, that says it all. She is raising five kids, running the largest state in the union, dealing with international affairs (Russian and Canada both border Alaska, lest you forget), drives her kids to hockey games, and all the while is unabashedly imperfect. The best part about the attacks against her (her pregnant daughter, the state police scandal, her inexperience and small-towniness) is that they are the exact reasons people are attracted to her. She is one of us. That, and she'll kick the crap out of her own party when it's wrong. She shook up the old boys club, and ratted out a corruption ring with the Alaska's state oil revenue practices. She's a lady with chutzpah, cajones - or to be callously vulgar, but at the same time completely appropriate, she has balls.

Palin 2012.

Bouldering at Twin Lakes

How many times in your life have you been out-witted by a rock? If it's more than one you might suffer from serious mental issues. Or, you could be me (which is not really a distinction). As I live the high life here in the Sierra Nevadas at my family's cabin we have good times doing crazy things. One such thing was bouldering.

This morning. It looked like an easy enough rock, covered in a sweet and supple layer of lichen and with a few decent grips. My brothers and I had brought a camera, music and a crash pad along with chalk and shoes. My brother Freddy* was the first to try. After the rock ripped up his hands, and the crash pad was covered with lichen and iron wood twigs, he conquered the granite beast. However, I was not so successful. After chalking up and scrambling for grips, yelling things at the rock and surrounding vicinity that would not be appropriate for children under 17, I left in disgust and anguish. I was outsmarted by a rock.


*Name changed

The Manly Man

What happened to the manly man? Did he die off or disappear? Did the heir to his throne become a cross-dressing, hairstyling, shoe horse? It is beginning to look that way. But whether it be a look at what was, or a glimpse into the endangered lives of the rugged few who still proclaim themselves such, we shall define what is a manly man.

A manly man is a rough rider. No, not one of those rolled up pant leg, lunch lady hair net on their head, driving out in an imported Japanese car with shiny wheels and a subwoofer as big as a Cooper Mini – rather the kind that rode out on horseback with Teddy Roosevelt in Cuba to show the Carribean why the west was won – with a six shooter and a mouth full of tabbacy.

A manly man is the king of his domain, his throne is in the bathroom. If his byproducts are not huge and smelly, he’s a wuss, a pretender…even a metro. The bathroom is his sanctuary, and as such he should have plenty of good reading material that deals with what really matters in life, not Ladies Home Journal or a cook book.

A manly man is a man so composed and controlled he can keep his poker face all day long, or stare at the crack on a wall for days at a time without flinching. If the world is falling down outside around him, he can stay still and finish his meal and turn around and give it the old lazy eye and scare it back to normal when he feels like it.

A manly man eats meat. If there were no more lettuce or green vegetables in the world, he would make a salad out of meat slices and barbeque sauce. Meat to the manly man is like oxygen to the normal man.

A manly man does not need a lot of words. Sometimes a nod, a pat or a grunt suffice. Oftentimes these simple gestures are much deeper and more meaningful than words themselves. The manly man language is mocked and is usually indiscernible to women, but if there weren’t Navajo code talkers in World War II, those pansy Japanese still would have had their hands full.

A manly man gives his coat to a lady. The obvious reason is because he’s a warm hairy beast and would overheat if he kept it. A manly man’s hands are so warm he can heat up a hot pocket without a microwave, or pop the last few kernels of popcorn left in the bowl after a movie, instead of getting up and popping more.

A manly man’s fruit roll up is a piece of leather, and his trail mix is sand and gravel. When he tells you his chili is hot, you shouldn’t be able to feel your tongue for a week afterwards.