Classified: Electric Chairs to Toasters

And now for something completely different. 

If you thought that last post was heavy, you're right. I laid it on thick. So, I'm going to switch gears to something lighter. You guessed it, I'm going to talk about electric chairs. My Dad sent me an email about an ad he saw in a local paper. Here's what he wrote:

"I saw the following classified as in the "Valley Voice" newspaper, (a local paper published in the area of California where I grew up). I was a bit startled at first and then amused.

Electric Chair, Liberty

312 LTD. Only used once, 

in great condition $800

559-XXX-XXXX

I "X"ed out the person's telephone number, but the rest is identical with the original advertisement. The model number mentioned turns out to be for an electric wheelchair, but that is not the image of an electric chair that first came to mind."

While this alone is a pretty hilarious misunderstanding, classified ads have a tendency to foster those better than most. Here are some other examples:

3-YEAR OLD TEACHER NEEDED FOR PRE-SCHOOL. 

EXPERIENCE PREFERRED.

DINNER SPECIAL -- 

TURKEY $2.35;

CHICKEN OR BEEF $2.25;

CHILDREN $2.00

OUR BIKINIS ARE EXCITING.

THEY ARE SIMPLY THE TOPS.

TIRED OF CLEANING YOURSELF?

LET ME DO IT.

VACATION SPECIAL: 

HAVE YOUR HOME EXTERMINATED.

GET RID OF AUNTS. ZAP DOES

THE JOB IN 24 HOURS.

Toaster: A GIFT THAT EVERY

MEMBER OF THE FAMILY

APPRECIATES. AUTOMATICALLY BURNS

TOAST.

WANTED. MAN TO TAKE CARE OF COW

THAT DOES NOT SMOKE OR DRINK.

OUR EXPERIENCED MOM WILL CARE FOR

YOUR CHILD. FENCED YARD, MEALS and

SMACKS INCLUDED.

FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 COCKER-SPANIEL-

1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S DOG

ILLITERATE? 

WRITE TODAY FOR FREE HELP.

1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB - $850/offer

AMANA WASHER $100. OWNED BY CLEAN BACHELOR WHO SELDOM WASHED.

SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE…ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS.

FREE PUPPIES…PART GERMAN SHEPHERD - PART DOG

2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES:
1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, PAIR: $15

TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX,
COMES WITH IT’S OWN 1988 MUSTANG,
5L, AUTO, EXCELLENT CONDITION $6800

COWS, CALVES FOR SALE,
-NEVER BRED…ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE.

83 TOYOTA HUNCHBACK - $2000

STAR WARS JOB OF THE HUT - $15

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 YEARS OLD. UNPLEASANT LITTLE DOG.

SOFT & GENITAL BATH TISSUES
OR FACIAL TISSUE 89 cents

GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs.
NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN.
FREE.

FULL SIZED MATTRESS.
20 YR WARRANTY. LIKE NEW.
SLIGHT URINE SMELL.

FREE 1 CAN OF PORK & BEANS
WITH PURCHASE OF 3 BR 2 BATH HOME.

FOR SALE: LEE MAJORS
(6 MILLION DOLLAR MAN) - $50

NORDIC TRACK $300
HARDLY USED CALL CHUBBIE

BILL’S SEPTIC CLEANING
“WE HAUL AMERICAN MADE PRODUCTS”

SHAKESPEARE’S PIZZA - FREE CHOPSTICKS

FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG.
LOOKS LIKE A RAT…BEEN OUT AWHILE
..BETTER BE REWARD.

HUMMELS - LARGEST SELECTION EVER
“IF IT’S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT!”

GET A LITTLE JOHN:
THE TRAVELING URINAL HOLDS 2 1/2 BOTTLES OF BEER.

HARRISBURG POSTAL
EMPLOYEES GUN CLUB

GEORGIA PEACHES -
CALIFORNIA GROWN - 89 cents lb.

NICE PARACHUTE:
NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE SLIGHTLY STAINED

FREE: FARM KITTENS.
READY TO EAT.

AMERICAN FLAG 60 STARS -
POLE INCLUDED $100

TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR?
WE OFFER PROFIT SHARING AND FLEXIBLE HOURS.
STARTING PAY: $7 - $9 PER HOUR.

NOTICE: TO THE PERSON OR PERSONS WHO TOOK THE LARGE PUMPKIN ON HIGHWAY 87 NEAR SOUTHRIDGE STORAGE: PLEASE RETURN THE PUMPKIN AND BE CHECKED. PUMPKIN MAY BE RADIOACTIVE. ALL OTHER PLANTS IN VICINITY ARE DEAD.

EXERCISE EQUIPMENT:
QUEEN SIZE MATTRESS
& BOX SPRINGS -$175.

OUR SOFA SEATS THE WHOLE MOB
AND IT’S MADE OF 100% ITALIAN LEATHER.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
MUST SELL WASHER & DRYER $300.

LAWYER SAYS CLIENT
IS NOT THAT GUILTY.

ALZHEIMER’S CENTER PREPARES
FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER

GROUND BEAST:
99 cents lb.

GAS CLOUD CLEARS OUT TACO BELL.

OPEN HOUSE:
BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON
FREE COFFEE & DONUTS

KELLOGG’S POT TARTS - $1.99 box

FULLY COOKED BONELESS
SMOKED MAN - $2.09 lb.

Holiday Leftovers

Holiday leftovers are great. Turkey, mashed potatoes, cranberry sauce, string beans and bacon, three bean salad, yams, and trays and boxes of chocolates, cookies, and fruits. My family could easily live off leftovers for the next week. The unfortunate side effect is weight gain. That is, if you sit around doing nothing most of the time. Fortunately I do stuff. Unfortunately, that stuff is mostly going out to dinner with family and friends. Going out to dinner with a week's worth of leftovers at my disposal makes no sense whatsoever. Which is why my family seems to do it (That and it was my Dad's birthday and because he was sick on the day we ordered Chinese food, and then we went out to Outback Steakhouse the next day when he was feeling better).

So leftovers are a boon and a curse. I love to eat them, and they love to be eaten, but unless I do something beyond restaurant excursions, the possibility of me becoming a professional sumo wrestler increases. 

The mighty power of leftovers can be seen in the following photo:

Provo I bid thee farewell!

Provo I bid you farewell. Just like the Russians bid farewell to Rasputin. I bid you farewell like miners bid farewell to a decrepit mineshaft. I bid you farewell like a viking funeral. 

But, at the same time, I bid you goodbye like Murray does to the tech support lady on Flight of the Conchords season one: Leggy Blonde. And, in place of you I will party. Perhaps even becoming the Prince of Parties, as can be seen in the acid-tripping episode of Flight of the Conchords.

There will be much food and merriment. Turkeys will abound. White meat, dark meat, and gravy. Grrrraaaaaavvvvvvyy. There will be sumptuous pies, soups, breads, cranberry sauce, and stuffing. Lounging around will become my new and most favorite Olympic sport in which all I can win is the gold. Why? Why must I be so good at it? Golden turkey....Mmmmm.

But, sacrifices must be made. To get out of this place I have to take a plane. That flight leaves at 6am. So, I have to leave the house tomorrow at 4:30am. Seeing as I hit the snooze at least three times every morning when it goes off at 7:30am, it should be interesting. Worst case scenario: If I miss it I will have to eat turkey at some place other than my grandparent's house in California. Probably not the worst thing. The REAL worst case scenario: Sigourney Weaver wakes me up from my bed and tells me I have an alien inside of me. Only seconds later it pops out of my chest and eats all the turkey (One more reason to be anti-alien).

Goodbye Provo! I only wish it were a longer goodbye.

What happened to Thanksgiving?

There are a lot of things to like about Utah. Let me start with that. There are mountains, valleys, canyons and plenty of crazy people full of beans. However, there is something recently that has me a bit disappointed.

Thanksgiving hasn't even happened yet and every local shop, town, and even houses are lit up and decorated like it's Christmas Eve. This used to be taboo, bad luck, a cardinal sin. Now, just like the ever expanding election season, Christmas is encroaching. Big time.

Walmart has had trees and lights up for more than 2 weeks. My room mate went to her friend's Grandma's house to put up Christmas lights this past weekend. And down on main street in Provo tinsel and ornaments adorn the street lamps. 

Not one turkey. Not one random colored gourd. No pumpkin pie. No pilgrims. No indians. No cranberry sauce. WTF?!?!?! I know Utah is far away from the original Plymouth colony with the Pilgrims and the Thanksgiving Feast, but I'm pretty sure its a NATIONAL holiday. At least give it a DAY of your precious time. Put up some fall colors, dress like a pilgrim or an indian, eat turkey, watch football, be with family. BUT don't, I repeat DO NOT put up Christmas decorations before Thanksgiving. That is sacrilege. 

Unfortunately I do not think this trend is relegated to Utah. Across this beautiful bounteous land that we can be thankful for, everyone is giving Thanksgiving the shaft. The retailers think they're being clever. They hope to cash in early on what promises to be a pretty dismal Christmas season. Maybe their mentality is, "Well if no one's going to buy anything because of the bad economy, I better extend the time for them to think about Christmas in hopes that the dupe themselves into thinking they actually have money." It's wrong. 

First off, Christmas* did not used to be a holiday where all we thought about was buying useless crap to give to people. It used to be a holiday of cheer, love, pine trees, Jesus, and mistletoe. Now it's a materialistic, superficial sack. And that sack is taking over a much less tainted holiday: Thanksgiving. We don't get or give presents on Thanksgiving. We spend time together as families and friends, remembering all the wonderful things, people, and the life we have been blessed with. We gorge ourselves in sumptuous 15 part meals and lounge around, or play sports, nap or talk. It's a wonderful holiday to remember what really matters in life.

Viva Thanksgiving! Turkey Empowerment! Eat more pie! Sleep for an entire day! Make love not Christmas!

*PS - I still love Christmas, in its own time, done the right way.