Showing posts with label cancer. Show all posts
Showing posts with label cancer. Show all posts

Tuesday, February 4, 2014

Local School Class Hamster Successfully Undergoes Last Chemo Treatment

Dorchester, Mass. - Children in Mrs. Winterbottom's 2nd grade class at Whatsherbucket Elementary School were surprised with the news from their resident veterinarian, fellow classmate Johnny Rosenblatt, that their beloved class hamster pulled through its last chemotherapy treatment.

The hamster had developed prostate cancer as of September of last year, said Rosenblatt.

"I'm so happy that little Fur Nugget is still with us. He had us worried. I think now we get a pizza party," said Miley Gilmore, class psychologist, and winner of last week's math olympics.

The hamster has been with the class since the summer of 2012, when "Fur Nugget" replaced a previous hamster named "Old Fuzzy" who had gotten himself stuck underneath a washing machine and was only able to be extricated three days too late by the jaws-of-life.

"I don't know what a prostate is, but I'm glad Fur Nugget is still with us after all that chocolate milk and ketchup packets Johnny put in his butt," said Theodore Frugal, class idiot.

Friday, November 21, 2008

Eating pigs cures cancer

I've always believed that pigs are magical. Scratch that. I've never believed that.

But they do have a special place by my heart. It's that place slightly below it that digests my food. I like to call it 'stomach.' Honey ham is delicious. Ham for the holidays. Mmmmm. But whether you like pigs in between two slices of bread, or whether you wish you had a little pig running around your house instead of a dog, pigs are great.
And, if their succulent meat and intelligence level (higher than both dogs and cats) were not enough, a new study came out shows that eating them cures cancer. That's right. Eating ham and cheese sandwiches, a bag of pork rinds, a platter of pork chops, or even chewing on your dog's pig ear chew toy will save you from cancer. Cancer that you probably already have from using a microwave. Cancer that you got from sunbathing too long. Cancer that you were born with (like when your favorite sibling called you a cancer).

At this point you're wondering, "What chemical agent is it in pigs that saves us from cancer?" My answer: All of them. You are just going to have to accept the fact that Brazilian cannibals were right. You become what you eat. They used to eat only the most valiant and ferocious warriors so they could take on their strength and ability. Well, with pigs it is no different. You eat them and you become delicious and intelligent. And, because pigs are generally cancer free, you also become cancer free.

Voila! Bon apetite! Pass the bacon.

Saturday, October 11, 2008

Microwave Magic

I've always thought of microwaves as assistants to the cook. For me, they just heated things up. They melted cheese and reheated food. They filled space in the kitchen.

But now I've discovered they can actually cook food. It's the lazy man's dream. You can start with a frozen chicken breast and in 10 minutes its a teriyaki marinated chicken breast. You only have to be open to the chance that you might get cancer or go sterile. But, it's worth it. It's so easy. Just grab the frozen chicken breast, put it in for 3 minutes to defrost, then cover it in teriyaki marinade and put it in the microwave for another 7 minutes. And, it does potatoes in a quick 7 minutes. It heats up water for hot cocoa in a minute. So easy. 

Facility and Sterility. You can have both.



Saturday, June 21, 2008

House Plants

There is a new miracle cure for whatever ails you. Be it back aches, mild depression, anxiety disorder, scraped knees, cancer, flatulence, or writer's block. The name of this cure is, you guessed it, the house plant.

House plants come in many shapes and sizes, but all bring that same effect of life-giving renewal. You could have a yucca plant, and anthurium plant, or even a shoot of bamboo. Some people prefer cactus gardens, while others like the hanging gardens of Babylon (sinners).

Either way, you are curing your environment, warding off evil spirits (like CO2), and adding sweet delicious life (oxygen). But they are so much more than that. If placed well, they can cover stains on your rug, cover holes on your wall, or make a really tacky or dull room look like a lush rain forest (kind of a stretch). And, to cap it off, most plants have green on them, so a) that's good if you're Irish, b) green is the color of geniuses, and c) there is no c, just like it.

However, I should warn you, they can become an obsession and take over your life, and you will be living that book 'Where the Wild Things Are' forever.

Monday, May 19, 2008

I love Big Tobacco


Something that I will never understand is how the government decides to punish one industry to such a degree and then turns a blind eye to one that can be just as bad. The issue I speak of is the massive settlement that big tobacco had to pay to the states and the people that it "tricked," and the fact the big alcohol hasn't paid a dime in that kind of a class-action suit.

First off, if you smoke, and you got cancer, you did it to yourself. There have been surgeon general's warnings on cigarettes since the 60s. It's like blaming Little Debbie for being overweight. You have to take some responsibility. But, given the precedent that occurred, with Phillip Morris doling out hundreds of billions to smokers and states to fund ads against themselves and create anti-smoking clubs and clinics, it seems only fitting that we should also scrutinize alcohol (and any other industry that may be harmful to your health).

Alcoholism is a prevalent and destructive disease that destroys families and individual lives, yet, alcohol companies only have to put the words "drink responsibly" at the end of their commercial instead of "may cause fetal alcohol sydrome, dependency, alcoholism or severe complications for those who take heart medicine." And why is that? Because the alcohol lobby has been lining the pockets of congress for years. The Busch family has many good friends in Washington, and most likely has better litigators, so Budweiser gets the stamp of approval just like Coors, Mike's Hard Lemonade, or any other brand. It's not fair. People need to know the truth. Just as there are truth ads about tobacco, there need to be truth ads about alcohol. We want a more educated populace right? Then let's stop allowing them to be mislead by big alcohol. They do a great job with commercials. I openly admit that beer and rum commercials are some of the best on TV. But, it's very misleading. Captain Morgan isn't going to turn you into Jack Sparrow, or the Captain, or any other pirate super hero. The Coors Light vent is only going to allow you to drink more and faster and when you think of budweiser they want you to think hops and clydesdales, not red necks in wife beaters. But you know better.


And this isn't just about alcohol either, you can poke yourself in the eye with a pen. Let's sue BIC! You can get fat off of twinkies. Let's sue hostess! You can hurt yourself wearing some lingerie. Let's sue Victoria's Secret! You can get shocked putting a fork in a toaster. Let's sue GE! You can get into a car accident. Let's sue all the car companies! I think you get my point. We live in a sue-happy society. Frivolous lawsuits started with the lady and her hot coffee spilling on her from McDonalds. So what? Deal with it. You bought the coffee, read the label that the contents were hot and spilled it on yourself. But of course it was McDonald's fault. But, seeing as we can't take back the lawsuit against big tobacco or McDonalds, we might as well just balance it by suing everyone else to make it fair. Makes perfect sense. The hops did it.

Friday, April 11, 2008

Snow on April 11th


All I have is an acronym: WTF. So much for global warming. I am ready to welcome it with open arms. Seriously. Winter's grasp is so strong it has killed spring so far. Killed it. It was snowing last night and this morning with random flurries throughout the day. I want heat. Bring on a new medieval warm period like during the Renaissance! I want sunshine. I want to be able to cook eggs on the asphalt. I want more UV and sun cancer! Bring on the sun. We need more flatulent cows, more diesel fumes! Let's accelerate this thing!

Thursday, June 28, 2007

Self-Prescribed Skin Cancer


It's interesting how everyone seems to want their "day in the sun." I mean, thinking realistically, the sun isn't that friendly. It burns us, gives us cancer or it scars our skin to a deeper shade that everyone seems to want. Little do we realize that tanning thins our skin, makes us more susceptible to cancer and of course, reduces softness and firmness, not to mention longevity.

The sun takes its toll on us. We get all red and wrinkly. Or, as some would like to put it, in order to make their stupidity more justifiable, "distinguished." Right. Since when did leathery, wrinkled, freckled, pock-marked, tumor-ridden epidermus become "distinguished?" In all honesty you become less distinguished. In fact, being distinguished in my view had something to do with doing good and achieving success through generally intelligent means. Somehow I don't think ruining your skin's health fits into that category.

Skin cancer aside, the idea that everyone has of "a day in the sun" is generally not so literal. Unless you're stupid. Which, if you are, I apologize. But, if you are stupid and are still reading this, struggling and grappling with every other word I commend you. "A day in the sun" generally refers to someone being in the "limelight" or getting their share of fame and praise for something they did. But why do we want so much to bask in the limelight? Why do we want to be lauded and applauded by our peers? Well, to be blunt, we are all narcissists. To a point. Don't deny it, you know it's true. The ones who are denying it now are only lying to themselves.

We all have this ingrained, inborn, innate need to be loved and admired. We measure our worth by what others think of us, from our hair and wardrobe to our speaking ability or wit. While you might think that other people make really good judgments and assessments about you, and you generally take constructive criticism well, if you allow other people to determine the course of your life and the level of your happiness you're going to probably end up one of two things. First, insane. Second, unhappy. Since it requires that one must be sane to have feelings of happiness or sadness, they are mutually exclusive. However, there is not a clear divide between sane and insane.

On that note I am going to make a blanket statement. People are generally insane. That means that at one moment or another, given the right (or wrong) circumstances any normal, self-respecting ideologue will flip his lid. For other terms see: bonkers, go mental, go off the deep end, lose one's marbles, one rachet less than the full set, etc. But, why are so many people ridiculously obsessed with how the world perceives them to the point that they lose their sanity or become melancholy and depressed?

It's our nature. But it can be beat. What it calls for is a resurgence of cold, callous, insensitivity. We need to be able to let stuff roll off our backs. We need to have thick enough skin so that when the poachers shoot at us on the Serengeti to get our ivory tusks, we can whip our tail at the bullet, turn around and trample 'em. We need to be able to laugh at angry hippos and crocodiles that want to dash us to pieces and store us on the river bottom. They can't. We are humans. We can eat them. The moral is more clearly delineated as follows: Don't get mad, get even. If the world turns its back on you. Turn your back on the world. When you get an 'F' on your report card, drop a little brown flaming bag on the teacher's doorstep. If they call you four eyes, tell them they have webbed feet. And then, to cap it off pour your school milk carton on their face, point, and laugh.