Satire Report Blocked by the BYU Gestapo

Well well well. Turns out the Stasi/Gestapo BYU site blocking censors finally got me. It's probably because all I put up is extremely offensive, full of swears, pornographic and just not aesthetically pleasing. Not enough fluffy bunnies and oatmeal raisin cookie recipes.

I feel honored to be blocked by BYU. I think it means I'm edgy. My content is crazy edgy. I'm sticking it to the man, not because I am trying to, but because the man believes I am. How cool is it to stick it to the man without trying? I would have to say, pretty cool.

This episode of censorship reminds me of a story of two of my friends in high school. I don't think it's fair to say we were good friends, because I for one, was entirely opposed to something they held dear. Censorship. They were two goody-two-shoes girls who loved reading. I asked them on one occasion what they thought of The Catcher in the Rye. The response I got was unexpected. "Oh, that book is terrible. Nothing but swearing and taking the Lord's name in vain. I crossed out all the bad parts though," one said. I figured that she owned the copy, but then the other had a sudden outburst, "Yeah, we check out a lot of books at the library, then we cross out the bad parts with permanent markers and turn them back in." Wow. I was shocked. It was one thing to edit something for yourself, but editing public property? Yikes. And they were dead serious.

So, ever since then I've been even more skeptical of censorship. It probably doesn't help that I also have read Fahrenheit 451, 1984, Animal Farm, and seen Equilibrium. But, at the same time, although BYU might like to think it's got some amazing system for burning books and blocking blogs, it doesn't come close. As it turns out, my blog wasn't targeted like I thought. BYU just blocked any external links on facebook. If you type my blog in your browser on campus, BYU permits it. So what it really comes down to isn't a competent diabolic censor trying to stifle free speech and kill my superhero creative juice, but just an inept system that blocks indiscriminately. I bet it would even block a link to a Helping Hands Service site that was linked to facebook. Oh silly BYU.

I will however, continue to promulgate the fact that I was blocked by BYU. I will wear it like a badge of courage. Maybe I'll even post in the corner somewhere, "This site was blocked by the BYU Gestapo." That would work better for me than a good Zagat's rating. But, on the other hand, people who see that might be disappointed when they see all of my kosher content. So, I'm going to have to post more pictures of cloven hoofed animals. Maybe I can get another little badge that says, "Content on this site not Kosher in any way, see look at all the pork products." 

PS - I'm sorry to my Jewish friends.

Here is an oatmeal raisin cookie recipe:

INGREDIENTS (Nutrition)

3/4 cup butter, softened
3/4 cup white sugar
3/4 cup packed light brown sugar
2 eggs
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
1 1/4 cups all-purpose flour
1 teaspoon baking soda
3/4 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1/2 teaspoon salt
2 3/4 cups rolled oats
1 cup raisins

DIRECTIONS

Preheat oven to 375 degrees F (190 degrees C).

In large bowl, cream together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar until smooth. Beat in the eggs and vanilla until fluffy. Stir together flour, baking soda, cinnamon, and salt. Gradually beat into butter mixture. Stir in oats and raisins. Drop by teaspoonfuls onto ungreased cookie sheets.

Bake 8 to 10 minutes in the preheated oven, or until golden brown. Cool slightly, remove from sheet to wire rack. Cool completely.

And a picture of something fluffy:

Government Stimulates Itself

First off, I cannot believe someone would have the cajones to ask if Harry Reid was confident that this bill was big enough. I remember only a short time ago when people were up in arms about TARP's $700 billion price tag. Now people are wondering if this is enough? Are you serious? TARP hasn't done much thus far, so why do you think this bill will be any different? It's just a melange of pet projects and partisan pork. The point of a stimulus bill is to create jobs, spur investment, and strengthen the economy. All this bill seems to do is make a feigned or even superficial effort to address stimulus, all the while really just throwing most of the money at projects that are entirely irrelevant. Senator Inhofe's recent press release confirms my unease:

February 6, 2009

WASHINGTON, DC - U.S. Senator James Inhofe (R-Okla.), issued the following statement tonight after the announcement of a compromise on the Senate stimulus bill.

"While I appreciate the efforts of my colleagues to bring down the price tag of this bill, the fact is we still face a trillion dollar spending bill. Making it worse, the bill is 93% spending and only 7% stimulation. Over the past few days I have fought to include more in the way of real stimulus through higher percentage of infrastructure and defense spending, while working to cut much of the typical government waste often found in a bill of this size. Yet Democrats have blocked these efforts.

"The good news tonight is that the American people are catching on to the fact that this is the largest spending bill in history and are becoming more and more vocal in their opposition. My offices in Oklahoma and Washington DC have been flooded with emails, phone calls and faxes overwhelmingly opposed to this trillion dollar legislation. They can rest assured that my vote remains an unwavering ‘no.'"

Here's real stimulus.

(If only this cartoon were what the government was really doing. As it turns out, they're fanning themselves with money while pelting the bull with loose change.)

Eating pigs cures cancer

I've always believed that pigs are magical. Scratch that. I've never believed that.

But they do have a special place by my heart. It's that place slightly below it that digests my food. I like to call it 'stomach.' Honey ham is delicious. Ham for the holidays. Mmmmm. But whether you like pigs in between two slices of bread, or whether you wish you had a little pig running around your house instead of a dog, pigs are great.

And, if their succulent meat and intelligence level (higher than both dogs and cats) were not enough, a new study came out shows that eating them cures cancer. That's right. Eating ham and cheese sandwiches, a bag of pork rinds, a platter of pork chops, or even chewing on your dog's pig ear chew toy will save you from cancer. Cancer that you probably already have from using a microwave. Cancer that you got from sunbathing too long. Cancer that you were born with (like when your favorite sibling called you a cancer).

At this point you're wondering, "What chemical agent is it in pigs that saves us from cancer?" My answer: All of them. You are just going to have to accept the fact that Brazilian cannibals were right. You become what you eat. They used to eat only the most valiant and ferocious warriors so they could take on their strength and ability. Well, with pigs it is no different. You eat them and you become delicious and intelligent. And, because pigs are generally cancer free, you also become cancer free.

Voila! Bon apetite! Pass the bacon.

The Dew

They say you should never go grocery shopping when you're hungry. And, I would say you should probably never write about food when you're hungry. I fail at both of those rules all the time.

I know I've probably mentioned from time to time, and even just recently, that "hole-in-the wall," "mom and pop" type restaurants and stores are the way to go, and I still feel that way. National and even local franchises are good for a quick fix if you're on the go, but if you really want to enjoy your eating experience, you should go elsewhere. It's about ambience, service, feeling at home, and extra care in each meal. Such is the case at my new favorite eatery.

The Dew. It is just a half block from my house (which makes it easy), and it is down to earth, yet super chill. They serve Boba drinks (Asian smoothies with tapioca balls), sandwiches, salads, french pastries, and a variety of drinks (from Mexican Coca-Cola to Apple Beer). It is run by a former student of BYU and his Chinese wife. And, the food they make is great. I recommend the Lemon Grass Pork sandwich, their noodle salad, and a peach Boba. But, any combination will go down well. They have guava, passion fruit, coconut, avocado, raspberry, and many other exotic and delicious varieties of Bobas. And, for me, the most important thing is the service. They are very friendly people and are prompt at getting your order done. I've had a few moments to talk to the owner, and he is a great guy. If that matters to you, and you like good food, you should go there. And, it's cheap too.

Dew Address:

669 East 800 North

Provo, Ut 84604

Tel 801-822-1878