Sacajawea the Enchantress

The American dollar is a beleaguered currency. Perhaps not so much as the ruble or the peso, but it has seen better days. I remember those days. In fact, they were not so long ago. It happened rather suddenly. For years all we could get a hold of were paper dollar bills. Then, out of nowhere the US treasury started pumping out really awesome coinage. The most exciting and glorified version of the dollar was the gold coin graced with the beloved image of Sacajawea, my secret love from another life.

Sacajawea was a wonderfully helpful and strong American Indian woman who was kidnapped at a young age from her tribe and became the wife of a French trapper from the Dakotas. She later helped Lewis and Clark on their trek west, suggesting routes and serving as a welcoming and peaceful symbol to those the party met along the way (because a party with a woman could not be a war party). But, to me she is more than that. Sacajawea is an enchantress to me. 

Her name alone is reason enough to like her. While the scholarly accepted spelling is 'Sacagawea', her original tribe insists that the pronunciation is closer to the Sacajawea spelling, with the soft 'tz' or 'j' sound instead of the 'g'. But either way it rolls off the tongue like a freshly poured handful of skittles. She's like a delicious skittle. Hmmm. Sacajawea. I might just name one of my kids after her.

She also is very fashionable. She is wearing exquisite attire (probably handmade by herself) on the coin. She also has nicely groomed hair, meticulously braided. And, on top of all that she's carrying her child showing her more nurturing, motherly side. Put that together with her guide duties and her ability to make delicious food, and you can see why she is an enchantress. 

But, the mint did us no favors. They made the coin out of the shiniest metal around. So not only can someone looking at it become entranced by Sacajawea's ravishingly good looks and spend hours reciting her skittle-filled name, but the gold makes it her more appealing. And, for those who like shiny things it could be a death sentence. My advice is to enjoy it, but be careful. Make sure you have a friend handy waiting to backhand you if you start to go loopy.

Gum you can eat

At least one time in your life you got it in your hair. Or, perhaps you swallowed it. Or, maybe you stepped on it, felt it under a desk, or even more commonly chewed it. 

Some people love it. To other people it is the bane of their existence. The biggest causer of their least favorite pet peeve. It is gum. It comes in more flavors than I actually have seen in real food. There's mint mojito, sangria, pineapple-melon, peppermint, cinastick, grape, strawberry-banana, sweet mint, and the classic bazooka joe bubble gum flavor. 

For many people it quenches a need. It staves off hunger, and makes your breath smell better than rotten garbage morning breath. And, for those same people, while they chew it, they might imagine that they're actually eating. And, perhaps in their mind they wish they could eat that delicious bubble gum. Well, now they can.

There is bubble gum yogurt and sandwich spread. No longer is it taboo to swallow gum. That's what this stuff is made for. It's even packed with vitamins and stuff so not only does it not have a negative effect like ordinary gum might have, but it in fact has a positive one. It's like the new peanut butter really. Soon it'll be used in brownies, and no doubt pies, cakes, cookies, and every other kind of delicacy. You might find it in your turkey this Thanksgiving, or you might find your filet mignon marinated in it. Mmmm. I bet that makes your mouth water. 

But, what happens to regular gum? Now that you can do what you always wanted to do - eat and swallow your gum - does gum have value anymore? Will you still feel satisfied chewing it? Will you mix things up and forget that not all gum is food? Will you boycott real gum? Is real gum really real? What makes a gum a gum? The very ontology of gum comes into question. It's a debacle.

It will most likely start an epidemic. People will be writhing in the streets extending their hands to the heavens for mercy, all the while choking on gum. People who chew with their mouths open will do so at their own peril. The homeless and those looking for a meal might start some more invasive procedures to fill their belly. Gum snatching could be considered a new crime. People who run out of money after paying their rent might just wait under park benches or movie theater seats.

Are we ready for gum yogurt? Are we ready for gum spread? Perhaps not.