Bravo Bahrain: Bidet Hoses!

Something I already know I’m going to miss when I leave Bahrain is the bidet hose by the toilet. Never have I felt so clean after a luxurious perch upon the porcelain throne. I don’t know when or where someone decided the West had to stick with simply toilet paper, but obviously Bahrain didn’t get the memo. The Japanese and their Toto toilets seem to indicate that Bahrain is not alone in its use of water for anus sanctification.

America, God bless her, hacked her way out of the wilderness with her own two hands, bearing her children along the way…and she used what she could to get the job done: leaves, sage, newspaper, and now, deluxe super soft toilet paper. I suppose in the western states this is somewhat understandable given water scarcity, but in the east they could have thrown a bidet or bidet hose in from time to time.

It’s just funny because Bahrain has pretty much used up its natural aquifers and gets at least 70% of its water from desalination; yet, they’re all about the butt hygiene. And at least for that, I applaud them.

In case you needed a visual on proper usage.

AFTERWORD

Turns out, after a little research, using a y-gate attachment, you can hook up a bidet hose to any toilet. Looks like this good idea is coming back home with me.

IBM is not Smarter.

The IBM "smarter" commercials are ironically stupid. Why? Because I have never (to this point in my life anyway) met a smart energy grid, traffic light, toll system, tree, rock, or otherwise inanimate object. Yet somehow, IBM's magicians can make things with no sentient ability not just sentient, but smart.

But, I suppose that wouldn't be too hard to fathom from a magician (who used to make computers and is probably allergic to rabbits), except that they claim to make these inanimate things more than just smart, but smarter. Smarter grocery stores? Trains? Classrooms? Shipment? Smarter than what? When the one guy says "smarter water", it makes me want to buy some. Seriously. I would love water to think and be smarter. It doesn't need to be smarter than me, but smarter in general would be fine. Oh wait...there is already smart water. Sorry IBM. You missed the boat on that one.

And smarter medical records? I dunno man. I don't think that would be good. Imagine the mayhem. Not only do they have your health information on them, but they tell jokes about your health problems with witty sarcasm and sass. Or, they mess with you by showing your weight as 140 one day, then 210 the next. Or, maybe they grow legs, become "super-genius-schizophrenic-smart" and start to jump out of windows and burn themselves. Then what good are they?

What I would prefer is a smarter IBM. Or perhaps, a smarter IBM marketing strategy. Like maybe just saying: "Look man, we're IBM. We do stuff" or "IBM, the people that used to make computers, but now do mostly consultant work" or "The best part of waking up is IBM". All "smarter" alternatives that get the message across and are attractively self-depricating. That's a company I can get behind (and kick).

That Swedish lady freaks me out every time.

Rain Funnies

So it's raining today in Provo, so I decided to share some funny rain pictures, images, etc. I took some of them from ihasahotdog.com and icanhascheezburger.com and the rest I found.

Nice. He's so happy.

Brilliant.

I loved this one.

I always wondered the same thing.

Sad.

Why is it animals are so funny in the rain?

Some cat owner has serious issues.

This could be you jeep owners. Make sure you clearance is as high as your cajones are big.

NYPD Pizza

Whoa. Almost missed my daily blog post. Well, for those of you in the eastern or mid-western United States, I already missed it. I apologize. I was busy visiting an LDS temple open house in Draper, and then eating some delicious pesto pizza at NYPD Pizza, a place that just opened today. We made sure to make it memorable with each of us ordering our water differently. I had my water with ice and a lemon while my other mates had their waters either straight or with ice. The waitress fortunately humored us, and was well-tipped for it. Oh and she had the shiniest pen I have ever seen. She gave it to me to sign my check and it was so covered with glittery fake gem stones that I nearly died of an epileptic seizure then and there.

The pizza was delicious. I recommend it. Highly. That is all. I'm going to bed. Tomorrow's post will make up for this I promise.

The Metaphor of the Pet Fish

Try to pull a life lesson or sophisticated metaphor out of this:

At the beginning of this semester my brother agreed to take care of three guppies when a girl he hardly knew said her landlord wouldn't let her have them. So, we, or should I say I, ended up caring for these fish. I kept their tank clean, changed their water, fed them, and did all the normal fish care essentials. Unfortunately, I had to leave for winter break. While I gorged myself in holiday dinners and moped around my parent's house, the fish were back at school, all alone. I told a friend of mine to feed them and water my plants, and thought not much of it.

Then I returned. One of the fish was dead. Another was doing strange acrobatics and water Tae Bo that led me to believe he was also near the end of his days with us. A few days later he died. They were of course given their due respect with a proper fish burial, involving a net and a toilet. So now I have one fish. He has remained chipper, and one might even say "plucky." He eats well, swims well, and seems to enjoy being the king of his domain. 

So I suppose my question is this: Which fish are you? 

Are you like my last remaining fish who held on with faith until after the master returned and still lives in harmony on his fish throne?

or

Are you the fish who died before his return?

or

Are you the fish who held out long enough to see the master, do some stupid tricks to either save yourself or impress me, and then die shortly thereafter?

Moon Water!

A self-made billionaire who goes by the name of Bubba Fat has embarked on a quest to re-christen the entire bottled water industry. 

Bubba Fat decided one day while rolling around in piles of his money and left over popcorn that he was thirsty (and also bored with his money). So, his logical deduction was to make bottled water. 

However, the idea that struck him was anything but practical. Mr. Fat didn't just want to dig a hole in some cave or spring and sell the water he found, he wanted to tap the new glaciers recently discovered by the Japanese on the moon. He recounted the story of his epiphany to me:

"It was a late night and I had just finished watching the movie Hot Fuzz for the 7th time. The money piles were making my back a little stiff and I felt itchy. I sat up and I felt this parched sensation in my throat, as if I had just eaten 3 buckets of popcorn without anything to drink. Well, my butler said that is exactly what happened and he offered me a bottled water. The stuff tasted like...well...water. And it bored me. So, I decided to start my own little bottled water company, with moon water!"

Moon water. That is the name Mr. Fat has decided to name his new company. When asked about logistics he said:

"Well, initially the Chinese said I was too fat to go to the moon, but then they said there could be a way. They said they'd take me up there instead of the orangutan they were going to send (he didn't pass the drug test), and they wouldn't even charge me. So, I told them I'd throw down a hundred million if they made me a giant hose connected to a tank with a heater."

Mr. Fat says that if the trip is successful he might even branch out to making a product called Real Moonshine. He said he could make it in his basement with a touch of weed killer, moon water, and his "special ingredient."

"The market for bottled water is still growing, even with the facts out there that say it's not as healthy or as green as tap water. People are enticed by the novelty. And if it's novelty they want, I think moon water wins. It even beats that 10,000 year old Alaskan stuff any day," said Mr. Fat.

Bottled water and liquor from the moon. Could life get any better? I submit that it cannot.

We lose a dear friend: The Jaws' Shark

Tragedy has struck the people of Martha's Vineyard this afternoon as their beloved Great White shark, of the Jaws movie series fame, met his unfortunate demise. It was hardest for those who knew him best.

Richard Dreyfuss and Roy Schneider, who played alongside one another and worked with the shark in the blockbuster movies called the Mayor of the island with their condolences. 

The beautiful animal was found floating on his side just a mile from Aquinnah public beach. After an autopsy and inquiry was done it was discovered that he had choked on a baby seal. 

"Those baby seals seem to invade the water this time of year. They're a real health risk if you ask me. I'm hoping the town enacts a law to legalize more [seal] clubbing," said Joe Sharpipo of Fuller Street. 

It seems the seals are attracted to the island because of its plentiful fisheries and nice beaches. Some neighbors have complained that the seals have woken them up with their barking early in the morning. Others have claimed that their cars have been vandalized with seaweed.

"They're more than a nuisance. They've become a plague. And now this. This is the last straw. They killed our shark. Those seals have no shame," says Margaret Hosenbothom.

As Martha's Vineyard mourns, the firestorm the seals have caused has led to high tensions among the town's folk. Just this morning, a man who advertises for a water park in nearby Buzzard's Bay wearing a seal costume, was repeatedly assaulted by billy clubs and shillelaghs. The perpetrators have not been apprehended, but were reportedly screaming unintelligible gaelic swears and wore seal scalp necklaces. 

Here's a tribute.