In An Ideal World.

I happen to love polite appliances. Refrigerators that turn the light on for you. Microwaves that quietly beep when they finish warming your food (quietly mind you), and of course computers that ask "Are you sure you want to shut down your computer now?"

It's this last one that I am going to discuss. Couple it with firefox asking if I want to close the application even with....what's that?....two or more tabs open?!! (gasp)...and I think it's understandably become too polite.

In my ideal world people would shut their computers down and that would be the end of it. If I select "shut down" from the menu, I would expect the computer to fall in line. But no. It's like a little kid who is told to get out of the pool and says "why?". Or any little kid asking "why?" just because they don't want to do whatever you're asking, or just want to be a real life anamaniac. In this same ideal world people would return phone calls and emails promptly, people would go when the light is green, and everyone would at least drive the speed limit, if not 5 to 10 mph over it. In this same world firefox would close with or without multiple tabs being open, similar to a bar where multiple clients have running tabs.

But this world is not the world of today. No, we live in a world where movie tickets cost $11 and still suck just as much as when they cost $6.

Yay. At least we don't eat food in pill form like the Jetsons.

The Corn Dog Diet

Corn dogs: neither corn on the cob, nor a dog. Sure they contain corn, and hot dogs, but that just opens a whole new can of worms. Hot dogs aren't made from dogs either. In fact they're made from excess pig parts that no one else wanted. So why not call a hot dog a "hot cylinder of pig entrails," and call a corn dog a "cylinder of pig entrails wrapped in processed corn bread." Mmmm. Just makes the mouth water. But, even knowing all that, and renaming it, people would still buy them. Why? Because they taste good. Sure, they might give you a coronary, but what doesn't these days? I mean you can have heart problems from eating hamburgers and french fries for crying out loud. You can become sterile from staring at a microwave, or get brain cancer from using your cell phone too much. So, why not indulge in a corn dog? Might as well.

I know I won't turn one down when I'm offered one. 

But, speaking of corn dogs, I have a friend who loves them. He in fact lives off of them. I'm not kidding. He eats a steady diet of corn dogs and soda. And yet, he manages to remain quite trim and full of vim and vigor. Some of you may envy him, and rightly so. He is a man of men. God of corn dogs. A brilliant anomaly showing just how good processed food and American consumerism can be to one person. This is why I suggest the corn dog diet. I do not suggest it for Jewish people, unless they can find corn dogs that are made of lamb, but for all the other heathens I whole-heartedly endorse it. This is how the corn dog diet looks each day of the week:

Breakfast:

Microwave 2 corn dogs

Remove ketchup bottle from refrigerator

Remove 2 liter bottle of root beer from refrigerator

Eat corn dogs with ketchup

Pour a glass of root beer

Refill glass as needed

Lunch

Microwave 3 corn dogs

Remove ketchup bottle from refrigerator

Remove 2 liter bottle of root beer or coke from refrigerator

Eat corn dogs with ketchup

Pour a glass or root beer or coke

Refill glass as needed

Dinner

Microwave as many corn dogs as you want

Remove ketchup bottle from refrigerator

Remove 2 liter bottle of Dr. Pepper from refrigerator

Eat corn dogs with ketchup

Pour a glass of Dr. Pepper

Refill glass as needed

Repeat Daily.

I hope I have not sent too many of you to your unwitting and unfortunate demise. Good luck.

Holiday Leftovers

Holiday leftovers are great. Turkey, mashed potatoes, cranberry sauce, string beans and bacon, three bean salad, yams, and trays and boxes of chocolates, cookies, and fruits. My family could easily live off leftovers for the next week. The unfortunate side effect is weight gain. That is, if you sit around doing nothing most of the time. Fortunately I do stuff. Unfortunately, that stuff is mostly going out to dinner with family and friends. Going out to dinner with a week's worth of leftovers at my disposal makes no sense whatsoever. Which is why my family seems to do it (That and it was my Dad's birthday and because he was sick on the day we ordered Chinese food, and then we went out to Outback Steakhouse the next day when he was feeling better).

So leftovers are a boon and a curse. I love to eat them, and they love to be eaten, but unless I do something beyond restaurant excursions, the possibility of me becoming a professional sumo wrestler increases. 

The mighty power of leftovers can be seen in the following photo: