Extreme Sandwich Eating

While some people are naturally inclined to believe that anything extreme is bad, crazy, reckless, stupid, careless, etc. I, on the other hand am inclined to believe otherwise. At least, in the case of eating sandwiches.

Yes. Eating a sandwich can be extreme. I'm not talking about eating a sandwich made out of plutonium, or eating a pig foot sandwich in downtown Jerusalem, but rather, eating seemingly normal sandwiches, in less than normal circumstances. Allow me to provide an example.

This past weekend I visited Yosemite National Park. It's my favorite park and it is a beautifully magnificent place. And, consequently, an ideal location for extreme sandwich eating. And, as it so happened, I had a magnificent sandwich made by my favorite butcher Albert. So, I declared to all that would listen (the one other person in the car with me), that I would eat my sandwich under a waterfall. So we went to Bridal veil falls, got soaked, and I ate my sandwich. And, wouldn't you know, it was delicious. Did the bread get soggy? Yes. Did it start to fall apart a little? Yes. Would I have traded that experience for anything? Possibly. But, I would not have traded it for eating a sandwich at a table.

And so I challenge you readers. Eat sandwiches. Eat lots of them. And do it in crazy places while doing crazy things. Here is a list of ideas for the non-creative normal people who read this blog:

Playing scrabble in a tree with a capuchin monkey

Riding a unicycle with an eye patch

Walking the plank after being captured by Somali pirates

Riding a horse backwards with a funny hat

On a pogo stick with a "little person" on your shoulders

None of the following situations qualify:

PS - "Little person" is the unfortunate political correct term for people who suffer from dwarfism. Typically I would use the word midget, but I am cow-towing to social pressure.

A Sentimental Goodbye

So I suppose it's time to wax sentimental. Today I leave Provo, Utah. It's certainly not the first time I've done it, but this time it's for good (as far as I know). And, as usual, it's somewhat of a bittersweet farewell. I've learned a lot here. That is not an overstatement, and does not include my college experience, that, on the whole was pretty informative too. I've met great people, done many stupid things, many smart things, had some adventures, heartbreaks, backbreaks, disputes, discords, reconciliations, and intimate moments. It's been good (Now that's an understatement).

It really didn't hit me until this morning. I got out of the shower and my room mate said, "I may never see you. I wrote you a note." It was short and light-hearted, and yes, it did include what I owed him for last months utilities, but that doesn't take away from the fact that he wrote it. I've been in and heard of too many situations where a departure from a house or apartment is anticlimactic, as in, they leave on a flight or drive away while their room mates are still sleeping. Or, they leave and no one cares. Well, it's nice to know someone cares. And last night some friends took me out to dinner for a bon voyage party. I went out with some old freshman year buddies for lunch. I had one last hurrah hiking/camping trip with some friends down in Zion National Park over the weekend. I feel good about the culmination of way to many years here.

However, there are of course people who are probably not so sad to see me go. I've been, and still am at times stubborn, inflammatory, blunt, petty, lazy, forgetful, uncaring, aloof, etc. (and so much more). To those who I have hurt, defamed, or otherwise destroyed, I apologize. I never intended to do harm to anyone (unless I did - that is, in that case that you messed with my friends or family). On the other hand, I think, in many ways I have been helpful to people with good words of advice and encouragement, providing perspective and hope. I have always cared for people big and small, and gone out of my way to make their lives a little happier. I realize I'm not dead yet, but I try to live each day so that when I leave this world the world will hopefully shed a tear or two instead of just throwing a massive celebration at my departure. I will miss my friends here (but I also encourage them to finish up here and get on with life elsewhere). Provo has been a great place to grow, but thank goodness it's not the only place.

At this point of the sentimental post I'm going to list some memorable moments:

1. Getting arrested and thrown in jail in Eureka, Nevada
2. The first surf trip to Morro Bay (with my two friends who were 6' 3" and 6' 5")
3. Breaking off my engagement
4. The second surf trip to Morro Bay (with both friends being 6' 1")
5. Going over several layers of management to get my refund on my engagement ring
6. The third surf trip to Morro Bay and on down to San Diego (hitting Ventura and LA beaches) - good food the whole trip
7. Getting accused of being a stalker by Mall security
8. Surfing in LA/San Diego (burned some bridges and the car was killed by a metrosexual)
9. Hiking in Zion freshman year and getting kicked out of the park at night
10. Going to my grandparents for Thanksgiving every year for the past couple years
11. Driving from Exeter, CA to Duxbury, MA, wasting 1300+ miles just getting out of CA, then driving nearly 41 hours straight from Sacramento to Duxbury with only an hour rest in an Indiana rest stop
12. Homecoming freshman year. We went to an Italian place and the Mahi mahi was dry and my stomach didn't fare so well in the bathroom later, but I did learn some Italian while in there
13. Going to endless senior recitals with delicious food and good friends
14. Hiking up past the Y two times, and both times being halted by snow drifts
15. Hiking Mount Timpanogos a few times, mostly freshman year
16. Getting my car towed at least 5 times in the course of maybe a month or two, also getting 8 parking tickets on campus (mostly 5 minutes before it was OK for me to park in the spot)
17. Going to many football, volleyball, soccer, lacrosse, and basketball games with friends
18. Many late night runs to Wendy's, Arby's, or some other unhealthy place to eat
19. Traveling to most of California's National and State Parks in May of last year (also dropping by my family's cabin northeast of Yosemite)
20. Going out to the cabin with two friends (enjoying the 4th of July in Bridgeport, Bodie, hotsprings, and fresh mountain air)
21. Getting a friend of mine to pay for my sandwich at the Cougar Eat and then regifting it in his sink later
22. Cross-Country Skiing at Aspen Grove
23. Foundations of Leadership at Aspen Grove (I am only in contact with one of those people)
24. A recent surf trip from Morro Bay and Pismo up to San Francisco with friends
25. Zion National Park this past weekend
26. Test driving an Audi TT, a Mazda 6, the new Accord, and some other cars down Provo Canyon (always telling the attendant I was going to buy a car in the near future)
27. Going down to Vegas to give my abandoned car to a tow company guy who didn't speak english and then seeing the shark exhibit at Mandalay Bay
28. Catching 9 straight shrimp in my mouth at Asuka two years ago for Valentine's Day
29. Rafting on the Provo river
30. Getting asked by every new person who ever came by my house if I surfed and why I had surfboards in Utah
31. Going to the gym with two of my good friends almost all the time I lived here
32. Cooking interesting dishes from Brazil, Italy, or my head
33. Getting in only one really long term relationship and having way too many flings (not all regrettable might I add)
34. Holding Gladiatorial games in the backyard last summer
35. Breaking my hand sledding at Rock Canyon Park
36. Getting diagnosed with mid-thoracic back pain syndrome brought on by lack of sleep and stress (this diagnosis was preferable to the one saying I had a collapsed lung)
37. Draining the lizard for four minutes straight after a late night at some crazy girl's apartment
38. Being way to graphic and unnecessary in my descriptions all the time to make certain people (prudes) uncomfortable
39. Going to a lot of general conference sessions at the Conference Center and at great peoples' houses
40. Going running with a good friend of mine infrequently, but always with great intensity

Forty was way more than I thought I would write. There are of course a lot more, but some are more private, and the ones I listed omitted names, and interesting details. At any rate, I hope you enjoyed my reflection. I'm now going to post some random and irrelevant pictures.

Logically Illogical

We all have a tendency to be deliberately illogical. However, we pass it off as logical. I'm sure you can think of many instances in your life where this is true. Let me give one of mine.

So I went to a hamburger place with some friends after a basketball game. After looking at the menu thoroughly, I made the most unhealthful decision possible and got a burger with word "X-treme" in it. It involved a lot of meat and toppings (and I did it one handed). But, the initial choice was not the one that was REALLY illogical. After I ordered this enormous slab of beef and vegetable garden in between two buns, I decided to get a root beer float. I guess the logic would be, "Well I got a friggin huge sandwich that will probably clog my arteries and stop my heart, so I might as well get something equally unhealthy and deliciously fattening to wash it down." This type of thinking makes no sense when we step back, but at the time it makes perfect sense.

It's like saying while I'm up on the edge of this precipice overlooking a lake, "I might as well jump...and jump without shoes." Or it's like saying, "Well I already chipped my tooth playing this game, so I might as well keep playing it, because that tooth's not coming back." Or, "I already have a stain on my shirt, so I might as well go mud wrestling."

(Remember what happened when Old Blue went mud wrestling?)

These actions seem plenty logical. But, strangely enough they are not. There really are a lot of great examples I could give, but I'd rather you give me a couple. Tell your best story in the comments.

Phone Tag and Rediscovering Your Inner Child

From the days of our early childhood to maybe even last week (for some of you), we have been brought up with social games. There is duck-duck-goose, "pin the tail on the donkey," "truth or dare," and the classic, and my personal favorite, tag (not to be confused with Mitt Romney's son Tagg). For those of you reading this in Pakistan or Singapore, tag is a game where there is a group of people, with one designated as "it," and thereby endowed with the prerogative, power, and responsibility to tag everyone else. The last person to get tagged wins.

(This man is enjoying a nice game of tag with a polar bear)

Tag quite often devolves into arguments among children. One says, "I got you," with the other saying, "No you didn't," or, "That was my jacket, it doesn't count." But, petty bickering aside, it's a pretty wholesome activity. And, I'm not about to make it into some metaphor for life or root out your inner demons by psychoanalyzing your success or lack thereof while playing the game as a child. However I do want to talk about the more relevant form of tag for adults, or more sophisticated adolescents. This derivation is called 'phone tag.'

I myself am a master at phone tag. You might think it hubris on my part, and, perhaps you're right, but I have proof. First off, let me start by explaining the ins and outs of phone tag and by which criteria you can go by to find out if you've got skills. Phone tag, (the structured form) involves two people. One person calls the other, for whatever reason does not reach the person, then the other calls back in hopes of getting a hold of the person who called. The game only continues if they never get in touch. When someone finally does, the game is over. Either the caller or the called wins, and that depends on the context of the game (and, if you really want to talk to the person, I guess everybody wins, but I'm not espousing Marxist dogma).

So to my case study. Myself. I make plenty of outbound calls and receive plenty of inbound calls, but I am meticulous in calling people back if they call me. So, you might say I am naturally inclined to end phone tag quickly. But you would be wrong. Whether it happens to be divine providence or luck, I seem to get embroiled in regular bouts of phone tag. It starts off simply enough with me calling someone and leaving a message. Then the person calls back, but for some reason they catch me during the .5% of the day I don't have the phone with me. This might be while I'm taking a shower, making a sandwich, at the gym, or circling the earth in a satellite (that happens more than I'd like to admit). Then, I call them back and magically get the voice mail box again. If it carries on I either leave random or ridiculous tag messages. For instance, I might claim to be a towing service, or prize patrol, or an angry Chinese man, but always I end with "Tag, you're it" even if it is unintelligible in a thick Chinese accent.

So I suppose the moral, if there must be one, is to keep your inner child alive through adaptations of children's games like phone tag. If you can find a way to play duck-duck-goose with phones, texting, or skype, you're my hero.

The Dew

They say you should never go grocery shopping when you're hungry. And, I would say you should probably never write about food when you're hungry. I fail at both of those rules all the time.

I know I've probably mentioned from time to time, and even just recently, that "hole-in-the wall," "mom and pop" type restaurants and stores are the way to go, and I still feel that way. National and even local franchises are good for a quick fix if you're on the go, but if you really want to enjoy your eating experience, you should go elsewhere. It's about ambience, service, feeling at home, and extra care in each meal. Such is the case at my new favorite eatery.

The Dew. It is just a half block from my house (which makes it easy), and it is down to earth, yet super chill. They serve Boba drinks (Asian smoothies with tapioca balls), sandwiches, salads, french pastries, and a variety of drinks (from Mexican Coca-Cola to Apple Beer). It is run by a former student of BYU and his Chinese wife. And, the food they make is great. I recommend the Lemon Grass Pork sandwich, their noodle salad, and a peach Boba. But, any combination will go down well. They have guava, passion fruit, coconut, avocado, raspberry, and many other exotic and delicious varieties of Bobas. And, for me, the most important thing is the service. They are very friendly people and are prompt at getting your order done. I've had a few moments to talk to the owner, and he is a great guy. If that matters to you, and you like good food, you should go there. And, it's cheap too.

Dew Address:

669 East 800 North

Provo, Ut 84604

Tel 801-822-1878

Catcher in the Pumpernickel

I like bread. I like sandwiches. But, there are a lot of fakers out there. And, there are people who are innocent of the intricacies and nuances of the delicatessen. Being very familiar with what makes a good sandwich, I want to prevent the fakers from deceiving the innocents. I want the innocents to know of the goodness of the sandwich without having to ruin their unsoiled palate on garbage. I am therefore, the Catcher in the Pumpernickel.Holden Caufield wanted to protect innocence. As do I. But his was more broad. Mine is more bread. Pumpernickel is a derivative of rye and rye berries from Germany. Rye is therefore the larger issue of innocence, and pumpernickel then stands to represent the smaller (albeit critical) issue of delicatessen innocence.Subway, Quizno's, and D'Angelo's are trying to rape your palate (Please excuse my overly zealous metaphor, I'm making a point). They are homogenized and run by only moderately qualified people who are just trying to make a buck. They may have good sandwiches, but they are not delis.Delis came to being in this country in the Jewish boroughs of New York City. It is there that rye bread, pastrami, sauerkraut, sausage, cheddar, and everything good about sandwiches came to be. The reason that these particular ingredients were used is due to the often indigent circumstances of European Jews prior to their sustained immigration from the turn of the century leading up until after WWII. But they brought these great tastes, and fabulous culture with them. They are the root of good American sandwiches.
So, before you deliver your soul to the corporate franchises, get back to the root. Make a trip to NYC, or find a Mom and Pop store near you, where they have chutzpah, flavor, and a love of life and sandwiches. Don't settle for mundane homogenization. Go to where it's real, it's passionate, it's pumpernickel.

Sandwiches

Some people speak figuratively about 'divine ambrosia,' and 'nectar of the Gods.' Some people use elaborate language and metaphors to describe a good meal. Some people only believe they'll eat well in another life, or in Paris. Well, I have a secret. I found the best food for the best price. I've got your ambrosia right here. And it's between two slices of whole wheat bread.

Sandwiches are delicious, varied, and easy to make. However, they are not easy to make well. And that is why subway hires sandwich artists, and not just employees. You see, a sandwich is not something to be trifled with. It all starts with the bread. The bread is the the foundation. It makes or breaks the sandwich. Bad bread, bad sandwich. After the bread, the next most important ingredient is good sauce and seasonings. There are many options, but you must make sure they work with the bread, and the third most important items, which are meat and cheese. After those, lettuce, spinach, tomatoes, onions, sprouts, pickles, or any other variety of vegetables are fine. And that is the essence of sandwich making. The amount of sauce used, the way you cut it, what layer goes on first, which side is top and which is bottom all matter however, and if you screw it up, you will never taste the nectar of the Gods (or a good sandwich might I add).

But sandwiches were not, and perhaps to some of you, still are not, an art form. Shame on you for thinking that way. The Earl of Sandwich, a British noble, created the idea of putting a meal between bread so he could play cards.  So, a sandwich, while still remaining delicious, is convenient. It allows mobility, and has always been a silent supporter of poker, gin, ratscrew, and even 'go fish.' And what other kind of art can you eat? What other kind of art encourages gambling? What other kind of art is temporary like a sand castle, but so much more memorable and better tasting? None. The sandwich holds it's place. As 'the Count' from Sesame Street said on several occasions:

"I love sandwiches I eat them all the time..."

Well, so do I. And so should you.

Candle Light Potato Dinners

There are many vegetables in the world, but only one potato (excluding the hundreds or even thousands of varieties). The potato is our friend. The average British person consumes 200 pounds of them a year. And, it is America's favorite vegetable. We eat them with our hamburgers as french fries. We eat them with our deli sandwiches as potato salad. We eat them with our breakfast as hash browns and in omelettes.

So then, why with the vegetable being so popular have we not reverenced it and given it a special place at our tables? Why must we sit at a dimly lit table by a veranda overlooking Venice with pasta and salad, instead of a giant baked potato? The answer is simple. We don't.

We can have a splendidly romantic evening with whoever we are wining and dining with just a little music, lighting, and a potato. I must say from experience, that it brings out the best in people. It goes down smoothly and agrees with the stomach much better than salad, making the opportunity for a perhaps more extended romantic evening. The potato has a special magic to it. It has texture and poise, and is beloved by millions. With a potato, you cannot go wrong. Perhaps this year, instead of a bouquet of roses for Valentine's Day, you get her something she'll really appreciate. A sack full of potatoes.

Summer Weddings

So far this summer I have been to, or been invited to some ten or so weddings. I think that is great. It's nice to see friends move on to a new stage in their lives while I remain the rock in the river. I don't budge. But at any rate, I have certainly had the opportunity to think about the subject quite a bit. I think about it when I attend the receptions, do the whole receiving line thing, and partake of their food and dancing.

In Utah, from what I have seen so far, people stick with efficient, low-budget receptions. People tend to have their reception in some big hall they rented out with some decent decorations and generally some ice cream, sweets, or cake, with a receiving line of some kind and the cutting of the cake, bouquet, and garter being affairs that get drowned in the mayhem.

I must say, 'just cake' receptions kinda suck. I mean, I know I'm there to show solidarity for some friends, but I think food at a wedding reception makes or breaks it. I honestly don't think it matters if you have ten to even twenty different varieties of cakes or ice cream. When I come to a wedding reception I expect at the very least some little sandwiches or shrimp cocktail. And lemon water is pretty weak, even if you have the option to have orange, cucumber, and strawberry water. I think fountain drinks, juices, smoothies, etc. are not a bad call. I know some of you may be thinking I'm picky, but I think of it like this:

You get married (hopefully) once in your life. So, you want to get it right, and pull out all the stops. So, for future reference, if any of you reading this come to my wedding (whenever that happens), there will be a full wet bar, lobster, clams, steak, shrimp, sushi, sandwiches, soup, salad, along with much merriment. I know some of you probably think I don't have much say because I'm not the bride, but there are some things I will not budge on. And those are food items. They must be plentiful and good. I think that's only reasonable. If I want good gifts, I should throw a sweet, top notch party.