Man Successfully Nails Jello to Wall

Today history has been made. After years and years of trial and error, John Buckenstead of 305 Washington Street, Columbus, Ohio has successfully nailed jello to his wall. 

Ever since jello became a household name in 1897, people have used the colloquialism, "That's like nailing jello to a wall" to symbolize futility. Well, now it seems they're in need of a new one. John explained his tactics as "unconventional and sneaky," but was willing to share his secret method with this reporter:

"Well, for the longest time I just tried to use more jello-friendly nails. Ya know, ones with marshmallows or fruit on them...to entice the jello to stay put. Well, that didn't work. So I tried thick nails, long nails, short nails...and then it struck me. I just needed to be quicker than the jello. And, instead of just nailing right through it, I should make a wall of nails right below the jello. It took me a long time to learn how to hammer that many nails in so short a time. But I did it. I beat the jello."

Some of Mr. Buckenstead's competitors have called his tactics cheating, but he defended his claim:

"Look, some people think it's okay to freeze the jello, then drill through it and lightly hammer a nail through it on the wall. I didn't do that. That jello was jiggly, bouncy, and full of life. I stuck it to him."

(Frozen example=cheating)

Indeed Mr. Buckenstead. But this is not a victory for everyone. While some are calling it the "triumph of the decade" and a sure sign of the last days before the Second Coming, others are not so happy. Ruth Gipswitch, of Jackson, Mississippi was less than pleased. Not only had she been quite fond of the jello colloquialism, but the slogan of her bakery and dessert shop is "You won't find a better cake, unless you can nail jello to a wall." She had this to say:

"I thought I was safe. I mean, I tried a couple times just for fun to see if I could nail jello to the wall. Every time I failed. So I made that brash slogan. Now I regret it. I'm losing business."

Other people who have heard Mr. Buckenstead's story are at a loss. Some don't know what they'll use to replace their favorite turn of phrase. Some of the suggestions have made people cringe:

"It's like trying to herd cats" or "That's about as useful as a trap door on a canoe" just don't seem to cut it.

Hospital food finally gets better: Green jello with marshmallows

Well it took decades, but finally hospital food has its Elvis. Green jello with marshmallows. For the longest time the best thing going for hospital food was apple sauce and the occasional saltine crackers, BUT NO LONGER. Move over apple sauce. It's green jello marshmallow time.

Cheryl Bergossian, an employee at The Franz Schwimer Medical center had this to say:

"It's a hit with all of the people in here who can't chew or have stomach ailments. Heck even I'll sneak in a spoonful or two when nobody's looking."

Cheryl is not alone. Apparently green jello with marshmallows was a hit at the hospital staff cafeteria. 

"I just can't keep up with demand. I have to churn out about 60 5-gallon bucket-fulls a day....Oh and don't tell the Dr. Schminkler, but I take a bucket home every other tuesday," said Maureen Benton, chief chef at Franz Schwimer.

Yes, all this excitement over green jello with marshmallows. I asked an employee who did not want to be named why there was such fuss about it, because to be quite honest I've never thought green jello anything special, even with marshmallows in it. Then I got a mean glare from an old lady passing by in her walker, but he responded in a hushed tone:

"It's really weird man. I think they have to be lacing it with something. I mean, just a month ago it was just green jello and they would give you the optional bowl of miniature marshmallows if you were good, but now that they've combined the two they act as if it's some sort of culinary revelation. For the record, I think green jello is overrated."

Unfortunately for the employee I interviewed to get that quote, he was overheard by the head RN, and told to turn in his two weeks notice. Sorry Brian.