Local School Class Hamster Successfully Undergoes Last Chemo Treatment

Dorchester, Mass. - Children in Mrs. Winterbottom's 2nd grade class at Whatsherbucket Elementary School were surprised with the news from their resident veterinarian, fellow classmate Johnny Rosenblatt, that their beloved class hamster pulled through its last chemotherapy treatment.

The hamster had developed prostate cancer as of September of last year, said Rosenblatt.

"I'm so happy that little Fur Nugget is still with us. He had us worried. I think now we get a pizza party," said Miley Gilmore, class psychologist, and winner of last week's math olympics.

The hamster has been with the class since the summer of 2012, when "Fur Nugget" replaced a previous hamster named "Old Fuzzy" who had gotten himself stuck underneath a washing machine and was only able to be extricated three days too late by the jaws-of-life.

"I don't know what a prostate is, but I'm glad Fur Nugget is still with us after all that chocolate milk and ketchup packets Johnny put in his butt," said Theodore Frugal, class idiot.

The Yellow School Bus Takes a Pit Stop at a Navy Warship

So there I was, plodding the corridors of a grey, metallic, slightly aged warship with 15 little kids in tow. It wasn't the first tour I'd given of our fabulous frigate, but definitely one of the youngest tour groups. I did my best to explain the Central Contol Station, the messdecks, the Combat Information Center, and the Bridge in the most layman of laymen's terms (that might not baffle too many 10-12 year olds). But after (and even during) the tour, several of my fellow shipmates said things like, "Seriously? You think they understand the word 'integrated' or 'frequency'?" or "You explained how energy and waves work?" or "Latitude and Longitude?" "I barely could spell my own name, much less solve for 'x' when I was their age."

Really? Really America? Really anyone? I thought my childhood was fairly normal, but I'm pretty sure I would have been intrigued about waves, energy, and I definitely knew the word 'integrated'. Was I a smart kid? Yes. Was I the neighborhood bio-nerd/vet because I memorized entire Audubon society books on reptiles, amphibians, and other critters? Yes. Did I get IQ tested and go to "The Gifted and Talented Program"? Yes. But so what? Kids need to try harder. Kids love new cool information that they've never heard before. People in general have an insatiable appetite for knowledge. It's the information age. I bet you half of those kids had cell phones and that same half probably hasn't read a book over 100 pages. I'm just doing my part to reduce the number of retards (in the appropriate sense of the word; ie: someone who could be smart or above average but has been a slacker because of bad education, choices, environment or Naval Officers babying them on warship tours with kindergarten coloring questions rather than something stimulating). So, you're welcome kids.

It was a fun tour though. The guns and the bridge got the biggest "ooos" and "aaahs". You would expect that. Internal comms were fun to mess with too, especially when people are working in the engineering spaces and they hear a 10 year old say "I like chocolate milk" on the sound-powered 2J circuit while they're trying to do maintenance on the lube oil purifier.

In An Ideal World.

I happen to love polite appliances. Refrigerators that turn the light on for you. Microwaves that quietly beep when they finish warming your food (quietly mind you), and of course computers that ask "Are you sure you want to shut down your computer now?"

It's this last one that I am going to discuss. Couple it with firefox asking if I want to close the application even with....what's that?....two or more tabs open?!! (gasp)...and I think it's understandably become too polite.

In my ideal world people would shut their computers down and that would be the end of it. If I select "shut down" from the menu, I would expect the computer to fall in line. But no. It's like a little kid who is told to get out of the pool and says "why?". Or any little kid asking "why?" just because they don't want to do whatever you're asking, or just want to be a real life anamaniac. In this same ideal world people would return phone calls and emails promptly, people would go when the light is green, and everyone would at least drive the speed limit, if not 5 to 10 mph over it. In this same world firefox would close with or without multiple tabs being open, similar to a bar where multiple clients have running tabs.

But this world is not the world of today. No, we live in a world where movie tickets cost $11 and still suck just as much as when they cost $6.

Yay. At least we don't eat food in pill form like the Jetsons.

Classified: Electric Chairs to Toasters

And now for something completely different. 

If you thought that last post was heavy, you're right. I laid it on thick. So, I'm going to switch gears to something lighter. You guessed it, I'm going to talk about electric chairs. My Dad sent me an email about an ad he saw in a local paper. Here's what he wrote:

"I saw the following classified as in the "Valley Voice" newspaper, (a local paper published in the area of California where I grew up). I was a bit startled at first and then amused.

Electric Chair, Liberty

312 LTD. Only used once, 

in great condition $800

559-XXX-XXXX

I "X"ed out the person's telephone number, but the rest is identical with the original advertisement. The model number mentioned turns out to be for an electric wheelchair, but that is not the image of an electric chair that first came to mind."

While this alone is a pretty hilarious misunderstanding, classified ads have a tendency to foster those better than most. Here are some other examples:

3-YEAR OLD TEACHER NEEDED FOR PRE-SCHOOL. 

EXPERIENCE PREFERRED.

DINNER SPECIAL -- 

TURKEY $2.35;

CHICKEN OR BEEF $2.25;

CHILDREN $2.00

OUR BIKINIS ARE EXCITING.

THEY ARE SIMPLY THE TOPS.

TIRED OF CLEANING YOURSELF?

LET ME DO IT.

VACATION SPECIAL: 

HAVE YOUR HOME EXTERMINATED.

GET RID OF AUNTS. ZAP DOES

THE JOB IN 24 HOURS.

Toaster: A GIFT THAT EVERY

MEMBER OF THE FAMILY

APPRECIATES. AUTOMATICALLY BURNS

TOAST.

WANTED. MAN TO TAKE CARE OF COW

THAT DOES NOT SMOKE OR DRINK.

OUR EXPERIENCED MOM WILL CARE FOR

YOUR CHILD. FENCED YARD, MEALS and

SMACKS INCLUDED.

FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 COCKER-SPANIEL-

1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S DOG

ILLITERATE? 

WRITE TODAY FOR FREE HELP.

1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB - $850/offer

AMANA WASHER $100. OWNED BY CLEAN BACHELOR WHO SELDOM WASHED.

SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE…ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS.

FREE PUPPIES…PART GERMAN SHEPHERD - PART DOG

2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES:
1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, PAIR: $15

TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX,
COMES WITH IT’S OWN 1988 MUSTANG,
5L, AUTO, EXCELLENT CONDITION $6800

COWS, CALVES FOR SALE,
-NEVER BRED…ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE.

83 TOYOTA HUNCHBACK - $2000

STAR WARS JOB OF THE HUT - $15

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 YEARS OLD. UNPLEASANT LITTLE DOG.

SOFT & GENITAL BATH TISSUES
OR FACIAL TISSUE 89 cents

GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs.
NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN.
FREE.

FULL SIZED MATTRESS.
20 YR WARRANTY. LIKE NEW.
SLIGHT URINE SMELL.

FREE 1 CAN OF PORK & BEANS
WITH PURCHASE OF 3 BR 2 BATH HOME.

FOR SALE: LEE MAJORS
(6 MILLION DOLLAR MAN) - $50

NORDIC TRACK $300
HARDLY USED CALL CHUBBIE

BILL’S SEPTIC CLEANING
“WE HAUL AMERICAN MADE PRODUCTS”

SHAKESPEARE’S PIZZA - FREE CHOPSTICKS

FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG.
LOOKS LIKE A RAT…BEEN OUT AWHILE
..BETTER BE REWARD.

HUMMELS - LARGEST SELECTION EVER
“IF IT’S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT!”

GET A LITTLE JOHN:
THE TRAVELING URINAL HOLDS 2 1/2 BOTTLES OF BEER.

HARRISBURG POSTAL
EMPLOYEES GUN CLUB

GEORGIA PEACHES -
CALIFORNIA GROWN - 89 cents lb.

NICE PARACHUTE:
NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE SLIGHTLY STAINED

FREE: FARM KITTENS.
READY TO EAT.

AMERICAN FLAG 60 STARS -
POLE INCLUDED $100

TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR?
WE OFFER PROFIT SHARING AND FLEXIBLE HOURS.
STARTING PAY: $7 - $9 PER HOUR.

NOTICE: TO THE PERSON OR PERSONS WHO TOOK THE LARGE PUMPKIN ON HIGHWAY 87 NEAR SOUTHRIDGE STORAGE: PLEASE RETURN THE PUMPKIN AND BE CHECKED. PUMPKIN MAY BE RADIOACTIVE. ALL OTHER PLANTS IN VICINITY ARE DEAD.

EXERCISE EQUIPMENT:
QUEEN SIZE MATTRESS
& BOX SPRINGS -$175.

OUR SOFA SEATS THE WHOLE MOB
AND IT’S MADE OF 100% ITALIAN LEATHER.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
MUST SELL WASHER & DRYER $300.

LAWYER SAYS CLIENT
IS NOT THAT GUILTY.

ALZHEIMER’S CENTER PREPARES
FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER

GROUND BEAST:
99 cents lb.

GAS CLOUD CLEARS OUT TACO BELL.

OPEN HOUSE:
BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON
FREE COFFEE & DONUTS

KELLOGG’S POT TARTS - $1.99 box

FULLY COOKED BONELESS
SMOKED MAN - $2.09 lb.

Fake food, is it worth it?

It's a simple question. 

Why do people purchase fake food?

Wax pears, bananas, lemons, strawberries, bread, and the list goes on. Do they do it to taunt those of us who are hungry and often come to the kitchen in search of food? Do they relish in the vain attempts of children trying to eat plastic apples? What kind of sickos are these people?

I suppose there are situations where it could begin to make sense. Perhaps one of these fake food purchasers has built a new home they would like to sell. They rent out furniture, rugs, silverware, and towels so that it has a "lived in" feel. They do it to help people who have no imagination. People who need to see possibilities to realize that they have them. So, along with the rented imagination, they purchase fake fruit baskets, cornucopias, and empty bottles that look full. But to what end? Is it to show people looking at the house that not only can they put furniture in the house and decorate it, but that they can also eat in it? And, I know this is a stretch, but perhaps it is to help them believe that they could even live in it. Wow. Fake food is so empowering.

But, then you always hear the sad story of someone's favorite pet, a little Scotty dog, choking to death on a fake T-bone. Or a Tabby cat that gets run over by a rogue bowl of plastic fruit. Or the little kid who chips his tooth on a glass orange. These are all sad stories we know too well. If only there were some way to prevent these tragedies from occurring. 

But, wait! There is a way. People can buy REAL food. Real fruit, real cheese, full bottles of beverage! Entire meals! Pantries full of delicious soups and pastries! In other words, people can eat real food, live real lives, and have real imaginations. What a world.

Phone Tag and Rediscovering Your Inner Child

From the days of our early childhood to maybe even last week (for some of you), we have been brought up with social games. There is duck-duck-goose, "pin the tail on the donkey," "truth or dare," and the classic, and my personal favorite, tag (not to be confused with Mitt Romney's son Tagg). For those of you reading this in Pakistan or Singapore, tag is a game where there is a group of people, with one designated as "it," and thereby endowed with the prerogative, power, and responsibility to tag everyone else. The last person to get tagged wins.

(This man is enjoying a nice game of tag with a polar bear)

Tag quite often devolves into arguments among children. One says, "I got you," with the other saying, "No you didn't," or, "That was my jacket, it doesn't count." But, petty bickering aside, it's a pretty wholesome activity. And, I'm not about to make it into some metaphor for life or root out your inner demons by psychoanalyzing your success or lack thereof while playing the game as a child. However I do want to talk about the more relevant form of tag for adults, or more sophisticated adolescents. This derivation is called 'phone tag.'

I myself am a master at phone tag. You might think it hubris on my part, and, perhaps you're right, but I have proof. First off, let me start by explaining the ins and outs of phone tag and by which criteria you can go by to find out if you've got skills. Phone tag, (the structured form) involves two people. One person calls the other, for whatever reason does not reach the person, then the other calls back in hopes of getting a hold of the person who called. The game only continues if they never get in touch. When someone finally does, the game is over. Either the caller or the called wins, and that depends on the context of the game (and, if you really want to talk to the person, I guess everybody wins, but I'm not espousing Marxist dogma).

So to my case study. Myself. I make plenty of outbound calls and receive plenty of inbound calls, but I am meticulous in calling people back if they call me. So, you might say I am naturally inclined to end phone tag quickly. But you would be wrong. Whether it happens to be divine providence or luck, I seem to get embroiled in regular bouts of phone tag. It starts off simply enough with me calling someone and leaving a message. Then the person calls back, but for some reason they catch me during the .5% of the day I don't have the phone with me. This might be while I'm taking a shower, making a sandwich, at the gym, or circling the earth in a satellite (that happens more than I'd like to admit). Then, I call them back and magically get the voice mail box again. If it carries on I either leave random or ridiculous tag messages. For instance, I might claim to be a towing service, or prize patrol, or an angry Chinese man, but always I end with "Tag, you're it" even if it is unintelligible in a thick Chinese accent.

So I suppose the moral, if there must be one, is to keep your inner child alive through adaptations of children's games like phone tag. If you can find a way to play duck-duck-goose with phones, texting, or skype, you're my hero.

Christmas Cheer

This is how the military's drones really work.

Had to happen some time.

Oh reindeer unions!

I figured this picture would get a good reaction from the ladies.

He's just so tired. 

Proctologist needed.

Notice the purple scarf, and the pink hair dryer? Not typical snowmen.

I actually heard a dog say this once.

Explanation why the tree is turning yellow

Brutal.

Sick.

Yeah Mr. T

That was me when I found the grave.

Oh kids these days.