Casts: Boon or Curse?

No one wants to have deformed limbs, fingers, or facial features, because the doctor did not set their bones correctly, subsequently giving them a poorly made cast or none at all. However, at the same time no one wants to have an immobile, stinky appendage that costs them their independence and dignity. There are few reasons why people are able to put up with it. For one, they know it's necessary. Another reason is that they know it is only temporary. And, the third, which can both provide enjoyment and guilt, is the sympathy and occasional empathy you might receive from people in the form of gifts, doing chores for you, dressing you, and feeding you grapes while singing to you.

However, as an independent-minded person, a "go it aloner" or as a radically autonomous individual, you might also enjoy some other strategies. 

1. If you have a long term cast or splint, it can get irremediably smelly. Or so you thought. You can actually fairly effectively nullify the stench with a spray or two of cologne every other day. Armani, Hugo Boss, and Givenchy are all options, but if you like other stuff that's fine. For instance, I would not expect a woman to spray her leg with cologne. That's just odd.

2. If you have a hand cast or splint with some fingers exposed, you can still use them. Of course, you should be careful, especially if the fingers exposed effect the position and subsequent healing of the fingers that are in the cast. But, it is indeed liberating to be able to put on pants with one hand and a thumb, or type with one hand and your ring finger. Your newfound abilities will impress friends (you might even try cutting stake with a few fingers).

3. Refuse help regularly. If people offer to open jars, bottles, packages, or carry things for you, brush them off. First off, you can do it, and second, if it takes you a while and looks ridiculously awkward, you tend to get more sympathy. You become thence empowered from within and without. People will become amazed by your coping abilities, and you will feel somewhat fulfilled in being able to do what were before minor tasks.

Well, those are my tips for you. But the best tip I can provide is to not break things (I speak specifically of bones). Just don't do really risky things if you can help it...or just don't do a lot of them with great frequency. And, if you don't heed my advice about breaking stuff, at least you have a good approach for what to do when you're broken.

Punching Frozen Meat, a Decent Past Time

It was glorified in the Rocky movies. It never became much of a trend. But now it's on the the rebound. You guessed it, punching frozen meat. While initially the idea of smashing your fist against a rock hard side of beef isn't all that appealing, it turns out it has amazing psychological benefits. Dr. Kroger of Smith's Academy in Plympton, Massachusetts had this to say:

"Many of my patients suffer from anxiety, stress, and bouts of depression. I used to prescribe medication and talk therapy, but last weekend I was watching Rocky, and I stumbled upon a new idea. Instead of trying to alter their dopamine levels with drugs, I could let them regenerate themselves through violence. When I saw Rocky punching that meat I thought, 'Perfect, this is a match made in heaven.'"

Although Kroger's new treatment is highly experimental, it has already been hailed by some as a miracle cure. One of his more serious cases, involving a patient who asked not to be named, praised Kroger's meat punching tactics saying, 

"I used to have horrible daydreams of pink elephants sitting on my head. They would do it for hours and I could only flail my legs and arms in anguish, but now I pretend that the frozen meat is the pink elephant. I can see his cheeky little smile, but he can't sit on me now. Sure, I've broken a few bones in my hand, but hey, no more elephants are sitting on my head."

Stories like this are not uncommon. Apparently punching frozen meat allows the stressed patient to release in a way that in the past was thought only possible with chemical alteration. It has brought a new hope to many.

Dr. Al Murphy, of Sarasota Springs, Florida, had this to say:

"I have tried to find the perfect substrate for my patients to punch out their anger and stress for years now, but I've never been quite satisfied. Pillows didn't give back enough. Concrete gave back to much. Abusing small rodents never felt right. But punching frozen meat, it's like a revelation. I've prescribed punching frozen meat to almost half of my clientele. 

Whether or not the treatment will remain effective for long periods of time is hard to say, but for right now, there's a new hope. You may want to buy your frozen meat to punch before the big rush. Prices are still reasonable with the economic funk the US is in, but as the crisis deepens, demand promises to be higher.

New Study: Eating ice is good for you

After a ten year study scientists and dentists alike from the Smile Happy Council have come to the conclusion that eating ice is not so bad. In fact, eating ice can be a good thing for your health. Some of the reasons cited were as follows:

* Eating ice reduces boredom 

* Eating ice also improves jaw strength

* Eating ice reduces stress

* (Most dentists agree) Even if the ice breaks your teeth, they can be fixed for a nominal fee 

* Eating ice can be a good way to start social interactions with people you do not know

* Eating ice can be a good way to get people's attention

* Eating ice is great for movie sound effects

* If you are agitated at a loved one, eating ice near their ear is a creative way to reprimand

The study had a sample size of 15,000 ice eaters and 15,000 non-ice eaters and was carried outfrom 1999 to 2009. Dr. Klenners, who led the study, had this to say:

"Ice eating has been in my family for generations. It's a family past time really. I started the study to see if it had benefits and to dispel myths about eating ice. I think the results are going to surprise some people. Now instead of 'an apple a day' people might start with 'a tray of ice cubes a day.' It's just wonderful. And such a social activity. I even do it with my dog."

The team who worked on the study highlighted the importance of social interaction with ice eating. Of all the 15,000 ice eaters studied, only 5% said they did it in private. One such outlier, Bob Barnes had this to say:

"I'm ashamed of the way it crunches. Everybody stares at me. I usually just grab a tray of ice and munch it in the closet. That way their beady little eyes aren't glaring at me or my ice."

It was also determined that Mr. Barnes is somewhat of a schizophrenic. Most people who ate ice did so in public so they could share with friends and "spread the joy" of eating ice to those they loved. Some scientists thought this might be a subliminal type of indoctrination strategy, but Margaret Johansen, ice eater extraordinaire, had this to say:

"Eating ice takes the edge off for me. It's like eating something and punching a wall at the same time. That, and if I eat it just before eating super frozen ice cream it makes the experience so much easier. I also love having friends over when I eat ice. We can all sit around in a circle and vent with a bowl of ice in the middle. The crunch soothes as we let it all out."

Margaret's story was in fact not all that uncommon. While women in the study connected their ice eating to stress reduction, men tended to do it because it was "fun" or "crunchy." Sam Steuer, a Packers fan, said, 

"Eating ice is awesome. It's like eating rocks made of water....frozen water. And, when me and my buddies get together for tailgating at Lambeau field sometimes all we have to drink...er...eat is buckets of ice. It's what makes us men."

The new evidence of the social, physical, and psychological benefits of eating ice are astounding. Over time the Smile Happy Council hopes to push more ice onto the menus of public schools, local franchise restaurants, and make it more available at grocery stores. Certain wholesale food companies are already toying with the idea of novelty ices with fun shapes like penguins and balloons. Where it all will lead, nobody knows, but, happy chewing!

Hospital food finally gets better: Green jello with marshmallows

Well it took decades, but finally hospital food has its Elvis. Green jello with marshmallows. For the longest time the best thing going for hospital food was apple sauce and the occasional saltine crackers, BUT NO LONGER. Move over apple sauce. It's green jello marshmallow time.

Cheryl Bergossian, an employee at The Franz Schwimer Medical center had this to say:

"It's a hit with all of the people in here who can't chew or have stomach ailments. Heck even I'll sneak in a spoonful or two when nobody's looking."

Cheryl is not alone. Apparently green jello with marshmallows was a hit at the hospital staff cafeteria. 

"I just can't keep up with demand. I have to churn out about 60 5-gallon bucket-fulls a day....Oh and don't tell the Dr. Schminkler, but I take a bucket home every other tuesday," said Maureen Benton, chief chef at Franz Schwimer.

Yes, all this excitement over green jello with marshmallows. I asked an employee who did not want to be named why there was such fuss about it, because to be quite honest I've never thought green jello anything special, even with marshmallows in it. Then I got a mean glare from an old lady passing by in her walker, but he responded in a hushed tone:

"It's really weird man. I think they have to be lacing it with something. I mean, just a month ago it was just green jello and they would give you the optional bowl of miniature marshmallows if you were good, but now that they've combined the two they act as if it's some sort of culinary revelation. For the record, I think green jello is overrated."

Unfortunately for the employee I interviewed to get that quote, he was overheard by the head RN, and told to turn in his two weeks notice. Sorry Brian.