First Time Millionaire Blogger

Charles Fillmore was a nobody. He lived in his parent's basement. Had a worthless liberal arts degree, and spent most of his time watching ESPN, reading online articles, doing yardwork, working out, and oh yes, blogging. Blogging is a phenomenon of sorts, and has been for several years now (or so they say). There are even terms now like the "blogosphere" and a term for those who live in it: "bloggers".

But what is a blog? Well Charles would tell you, snapping his brand-spanking-new suspenders that it is the short form of the old term "web log", which came about in the latter half of the nineties. And Charles is no shamwow salesman, but he is a millionaire, so I tried as hard as I could not to roll my eyes.

"Well, after several months of trying to get a job I realized my education was pretty much worthless. So I thought, 'Well, what is something I am pretty good at?' Then it came upon me like when I wet my pants during the 3rd grade talent show. I could write about flatulent rodents!"

A star was born. Charles' blog has been a smash success. Apparently people from all over the world are more than amused by his anecdotal expertise on furry, four-legged, farters. He gets somewhere around 40 million unique visitors a month to his site hampsterfart.com. And what does that mean? Ka-ching. Charles rakes in a six-figure salary monthly from online advertising. Granted, his advertisers range from triple X porn sites and chili pepper exfoliation cream to PetCo woodchips, but as Charles told me, "Money is money."

I asked him if he expected it to be this big. His reply was telling:

"I saved the wheel that the favorite hampster of my childhood, Zanzar, used to run around in. I vowed when he died to honor his memory. Now he lives on, and I have subsequently had that wheel dipped in 24K gold."

Maybe I should get into blogging.

Good Blogs and Bad Blogs

I think, generally speaking, updating your blog is a good thing. However, some of the more popular blogs are starting to irk me a bit with the amount of updates and posts they put up on a daily basis (hopefully some of you readers feel the same way about this blog). I've tried to keep it to a post a day, but on occasion I've skipped because I'm just not always feeling it. Well, I'm trying to force myself to feel it more often (do not take that out of context).

Blogs used to suck. And, in fact, most of them  still do. That is, unless you are some avid personal historian who loves to hear the mundane day-to-day of several million less than exciting average everyday people. Thank goodness for failblog and awkwardfamilyphotos and lolcatz and satire blogs like the onion and this one. They will give you more than your fill of inane drivel and hilarious things that don't make sense. And really, isn't that what we all want? To be entertained? If a blog is not entertaining, why the heck are you going to read it? To catch up? To make yourself feel less guilty when your friend asks you if they've read your blog? 

For shame. 

You should read a blog because it is interesting, and because the writer is a) creative b) funny c) not going to tell you a play-by-play of every waking moment of their boring life or d) because you like the pictures/movies and random media tidbits. I hope I have done my job. Those are my two cents. Don't spend it all in one place (unless it is this blog), and then I say you read and enjoy all the posts, click a million times on all of the ads, and even buy things you find interesting. Or, you can do whatever the heck you want, which you'll probably do anyway.

A lovely sampling from failblog

And a great sampling from awkwardfamilyphotos

And a bit from lolcatz

And the ever so classy - The Onion

25 Reasons I will not play the '25 Things about you' game

Some of you in the blogosphere and facebook may be aware, or may have already succumbed to the temptation of playing the '25 things about you' game. It's sad. Most of those 25 things were probably things you should have kept to yourself and close friends, instead of posting them all over your blog or facebook. I refuse to make a list and tag people like so many of those ridiculously annoying email chain letters that say, "Send this email to five friends and your crush will like you, send it to 15 and your crush will love you, send it to all your friends and you and your crush will be married within the week." But, I do have the time, patience and wherewithall to post 25 reasons why I will not post 25 reasons.

1. I never do anything embarrassing.

2. When things happen to me that are cool and I share them, other people feel bad because they realize that their existence is meaningless.

3. I have eaten things I shouldn't have, and I have no regrets, but I refuse to be told that I have to have any of the eskimos removed from the shark I ate.

4. I was not fat as a child, and I'm sorry if you were. See a therapist.

5. I'm too busy doing unimportant things to read your list, so I'm not going to guilt other people into reading mine.

6. I like the same music as you, have all the same favorite foods as you, and am actually your identical twin.

7. Lists of 25 are not divisible by 3. That's unacceptable.

8. I am running out of ideas and I'm on number 8. Now imagine doing it yourself.

9. I am pretty sure most of the lists people write are chock full of exaggerations, BS, and things to make others laugh, and, I hate laughter. It's the worst.

10. If you thought stepping in dog poo was bad, think about how hard it is to clean BS off your eyeballs after reading it. 

11. Every one of the 25 things on my list would be easily made into a screenplay for a blockbuster.

12. Billy Idol told me not to make the list.

13. I like chicken (This reason is more relevant than you know).

14. In the list of contract violations in my hiring agreement for being a Teacher's Assistant, the 25 list thing is number two after sexual harassment. 

15. This '25 things about you' game is the first step into entering a social networking cult closely affiliated with worshipping dolphins and eating only halibut.

16. I like halibut too much to resist its smelly innuendos and fishy pick up lines.

17. Making lists of 25 things about yourself increases your chances of getting a brain tumor, pancreatic cancer, marfans syndrome, and the heeby jeebies by 700 percent.

18. This list is sufficiently self-indulgent. Another one would cause my implosion, and we don't need another black hole.

19. Lists usually get progressively boring as you read them (for example, see this reason)

20. I care about you enough to ask you to stop before you unnecessarily defame yourself in front of millions of people online from Singapore and China (They also use the lists to pick out who would make a better slave to kidnap).

21. Predatory Walmart greeters will stalk you if you make one of these lists.

22. You will be labeled as a spammer for the rest of your life, even if you don't like spam and have never been to Hawaii.

23. The children will cry.

24. You will never get to return to Narnia.

25. You will choke on oatmeal when no one is around and the Walmart greeters dressed in nothing but Walmart bags will put stickers all over your face.

This blog has multiple writers, but they don't write much

Dear Readers, 

I'm sorry that I am writing this blog post in letter form. Let me start with that. I don't approve of what I'm doing. I also want all of you to know that I have multiple authors on this blog. Unfortunately they only seldom grace us with their clever musings. You may notice on the bottom of each post there is a name. Here is a list of the writers on this blog:

Enrique

John

dreamcatcher

Jimbo

and myself, Michael Powers

Enrique has written 1 post. Here it is. To give him credit, he did have another draft ready that he never finished about the Montauk Monster. That should be forthcoming in the next year or so.

John has not written a post yet, but he has been the inspiration for at least one post: this one.

dreamcatcher has written one post, and it was great. Here it is.

Jimbo's first post follows this one.

The rest of the posts have been written and inspired by my strange mind. However, if you haven't read all of them, some are obviously better than others. On the right side of this blog you can check out the archives. You'll probably find at least something to laugh about or something that will make you think, or something that will leave you ridiculously angry or inspired.

Sincerely, 

Michael Powers

PS - I already read the book that inspired Rambo (First Blood), and am now reading Deliverance for my last class at BYU. Jealous?

How does he do it?

Oh no. I've actually run out of things to write about. This is the end!!! No more happy thoughts. Lost, Lost, Lost...

I am stuck between a rock and a hard place, and the hard place is another rock. Below me is a bottomless chasm of nothingness. I can't hang on much longer...

And look at that, I managed to squeeze out a couple sentences about not being able to come up with anything to write. I'm amazing. No, really.

I have talked to a couple friends of mine (some more friends than others), and they ask me from time to time, "I read your blog and I love it. How do you keep it fresh? Where do you come up with that stuff?"

Quick answer: Magic.
Real answer: Satanic rituals.
Another answer: Mexican jumping beans.
Bonus answer: I don't actually write my blog, it writes me.

So there you have it.

Public Domain

I have an interesting note to share.  As you know, I am quite fond of posting random, weird, but hopefully applicable pictures to this blog. To get these pictures I do a google image search.  I then link the pictures to the site where I got them from.  In my mind, it's free publicity for them, and I have a cool picture to illustrate my point. Well, recently I got a little anonymous comment from someone telling me that a picture I used wasn't in the public domain, and said I should contact 'so and so' to get rights to display it.  Well, I'm not about to pay them on top of the free publicity I gave them...so I deleted the picture and put one up that I believe was in the public domain.  But, I honestly don't know.  From what I understand, most bloggers don't worry a whole lot about it.  I'm not a picture pirate.  I am bringing your work to light for free, and linking it back to your site, giving you more traffic.  

Arnold would say, "Stop your whining!" And I would have to agree. Seriously.  My blog is in the public domain.  Quote from it as you please.  Print out posts you like.  Put them under your pillow at night for the satire fairy.  Put them in your family bible.  Have them reprinted in your local paper.  I credit the pictures by backlinking them, so I'd expect a little of that too, but my blog will always be free.  Down with the man!  Open source baby!

Technorati is suspect

Perhaps you have heard of this site called technorati. It supposedly collects and aggregates blogs and syndicated online media. And, after it collects, it supposedly keeps track of which blogs put links of other blogs on their blogs. Based on what blog has you on its blog roll, how many times you have been linked back to, or cited by a fellow blogger, they give you an authority rating.

Well, I'm going to come out with it. Technorati is suspect. I have several friends who I have put on my blog roll, and who have put me on theirs, yet technorati has yet to register that it happened. Oh, and when someone does that, technorati calls it a blog reaction. Supposedly the more times someone links your blog or mentions it the more powerful it is. So I've gotten a quite a few good reactions, but I know they are only a fraction of the reality. Perhaps we're asking too much of technorati. There are after all, bazillions (literally, of blogs and syndicated online media to keep track of), but stop spouting lies about my authority level. I've seen a bunch of people with the exact same authority and rating. Guess what technorati, 75 people cannot have the same blog authority ranking of 1,166,069th. That's not how rankings work.


And, another thing about technorati, it does not look very web 2.0 and crashes all the time. Weak sauce technorati. Weak sauce. Guess what?! My blog doesn't crash. That's right. Blogger and google have me covered. Eff you technoratpack.

Oh, but just to appease the morons over there, look at the top of this blog and click the link to add it as one of your technorati favorites. Oh, and remember, if you click on my ads, those weird people who sell lingerie and gay marriage packages make money (and so do I) so click on a few! (don't worry, it's not against my adsense contract to encourage you to click on the ads; it's an endorsement that increases revenue for everyone).

Top Blogs

Well, I don't want to inundate you with more ramblings...with flooding in parts of the world, I'm sure you get enough. So I'll just key you in to some sweet blogs:

michellemalkin.com
erinjarvis.com
thebigbags.com
gthing.net
desperateworkingmomma.com

Those are my top five.

Honorable mention goes to:

sayakapella.blogspot.com


Eat those up like a bowl of chunky soup. Oh and today is officially international naked day. It is not recognized by any government except the government of Michael Powers and Satirereport.com. But, share the magic anyway.

Omnibus Post: Touching it all

This week has been a blog post explosion. This will be my seventh. And, I'm going to address a number of issues. First, I have ads on this site. You might have noticed that. Feel free to click on them if you're interested. Window shopping doesn't cost a thing. I promise. I know not all of you out there are interested in mormon dating, lingerie, dog food or Barack Obama t-shirts, but maybe you'll find something that strikes your fancy. Maybe a site where Obama is eating dog food in one of his own t-shirts, on a date with a mormon while wearing lingerie. Weirder things have happened.

Second, I want to say that manly men still do exist, although they are scarce. And, you do not have to move to Montana or Texas to find one. Massachusetts is chock-full of them, as is Virginia, West Virginia, New York and any other place in New England. You've got a great history there. That's right, the men from those states defeated the British, the greatest empire since Rome. What did Texas have to beat? A bunch of straggly Mexicans. Not so impressive. Another reason the east and New England is better than either of the aforementioned states is because of our proximity to the ocean and the fact that we know how to live in it. The ocean makes up 2/3 of the globe, and Texans and Montana residents are land-lubbers.

Third, I do not have a great affinity for Cleveland right now. I am watching the Celtics vs. Cavaliers and we are down by 11. I effing hate Lebron, Varejao and all of their spot up jumping a-holes. It's our home court. We better eff 'em up good. As I have been typing we just cut it down to 6. Yeah B. There is no excuse for a loss. I want to crush those midwesterners and their aspirations to climb out of the mediocrity bowl. Garnett needs to step up.

Fourth, Ikea furniture is a joke. Engineered in Sweden, made in China. Cheap all around. People think it's cool. People also think McDonalds is cool. From time to time people are right, but Ikea and McDonalds lack class. Not that I'm the king of class, but when I break a cup or plate made by Ikea I don't really feel bad. And, I kinda want to do it again. I support America. I buy American when possible. To be honest, I'd rather support the Vietnamese than the Swedish. That's why I buy CK, Dockers, Kenneth Cole and Hilfiger.

Fifth, if you're gonna have a wedding make sure it's not just cake. I don't care if you have 10 different kinds of cake. I, as a poor college student, go to weddings for the food. And, if it has to be cake, there better be an attractive woman popping out of it. I need to be honest. I'm glad my friends are getting married, but I want to see a couple steaks, shrimp or at least deli sandwiches. I went to one recently that had nothing but sugar and fluff. Gag. I promise my wedding will have good food (if I ever get married).

Sixth, I'm sorry this sounds like a column of straight up bitching. That's not my intention. I just want to give you a piece of my mind. A hearty, healthy, Campbell's Soup, manly man from Boston who loves America piece. Eat up.

I'm famous!

Everybody these days is famous in the blogosphere. Wow, just writing the word blogosphere makes me feel like some cultish cyber-weirdo (well, maybe I am). Some of you may never know. And, then again, some of you are probably just nodding your heads in agreement.

So, back to the point. With the advent of blogs, podcasts, social networking sites and the like, people who otherwise would have slid under the proverbial rug, are running the world. Some people, and occasionally I find myself falling into this category, prefer to get their news from blogs rather than CNN or MSNBC. It's almost like a total system upheaval...and, I kinda like it. But that being said, with the good blogs come the bad/mediocre/crap blogs.

Now, as much as I would like to think that there are lots of good ones, the truth is that most probably suck and are poorly edited (Some of you are thinking, "Yeah like this one"), but believe me, there are worse. And, I really don't think I need to give to a list of them, they're easy enough to find. But, even though people now publish through RSS feeds everything from their baby's first poopy diaper to diatribes about the weather, they aren't really published columnists. Much less authors. And, although some are, rarely are they even AP contributors. Often they are computer savvy college kids, bored teenagers, soccer moms or the unemployed. But, even though everyone chips in their two cents, the colorful myriad of poetry, satire, ramblings and photo journals is enough to cause one to be ecstatic. Or crazy. Or both. I am not some amazing author. Clearly. I have fun with it. But I guess we just need to be more discerning, because, most people can't write for beans (or any other food-like substance). Just because I have a blog, you have a blog and my friend's dog has a blog doesn't mean we're awesome...well, if you're the dog, maybe it does.