In An Ideal World.

I happen to love polite appliances. Refrigerators that turn the light on for you. Microwaves that quietly beep when they finish warming your food (quietly mind you), and of course computers that ask "Are you sure you want to shut down your computer now?"

It's this last one that I am going to discuss. Couple it with firefox asking if I want to close the application even with....what's that?....two or more tabs open?!! (gasp)...and I think it's understandably become too polite.

In my ideal world people would shut their computers down and that would be the end of it. If I select "shut down" from the menu, I would expect the computer to fall in line. But no. It's like a little kid who is told to get out of the pool and says "why?". Or any little kid asking "why?" just because they don't want to do whatever you're asking, or just want to be a real life anamaniac. In this same ideal world people would return phone calls and emails promptly, people would go when the light is green, and everyone would at least drive the speed limit, if not 5 to 10 mph over it. In this same world firefox would close with or without multiple tabs being open, similar to a bar where multiple clients have running tabs.

But this world is not the world of today. No, we live in a world where movie tickets cost $11 and still suck just as much as when they cost $6.

Yay. At least we don't eat food in pill form like the Jetsons.

Me and My mustache

It's been almost a week now mustache. We had a good run.

Most women called you gross, sketchy, or reacted with comments like: "Is that a mustache? Shave it off. Shave it now."

But I didn't listen to them. No, you were like a man child who needed to be shown off at Little League. You performed most ably. In fact, you outperformed three number one seeded NCAA basketball teams. You were my Marchstache Madness winner.

But, we have parted ways. You have disappeared down the metal pipes underneath my sink. Some say it is for the best. I guess the porno industry just wasn't for me or you.

March Madness Eat Your Heart Out.

This is the month that will change your life forever. It is March.

As some of you know, every March they (they being colleges that are decent at basketball) play a tournament called March Madness. But, as interesting and life-changing as that can be, this March there is a different event for men and sports enthusiasts alike. It is called....

MARCHSTACHE MADNESS.

This is the proposition:

Grow a mustache this month. Then, after galavanting, schmoozing, and having the greatest time of your life, send in a picture to the facebook event (Side note: join it first).

Here's the event

And here are some staches:

Ghandi. Oh yes he did.

A severely overweight president (but the 'stache was somewhat slimming Mr. Taft)

I love this picture. It's like the cat staged it and Dali is shocked.

Wyatt Earp. BAM.

Ballsy move.

What?! Michael Jordan too? Yeah he did.

Magnum P.I. (if you grow the 'stache, the TV stardom, sports car, and ladies follow soon after)

Greatest quarterback of all time

Greatest quarterback facial hair of all time.

DITKA!

This is not actually Groucho Marx. This was me at a party last year.

In case you forgot, Ghandi, again.

Yesssss!

I always ask myself if Nietsche was cross-eyed every time I see this picture.

Clooney. That's ammunition for all the anti-stache ladies out there.

C'mon Tyrone, it'll be fun.

Rollie Fingers

I have that same shirt. Why you always raiding my closet Hogan?

Boggs with his arms doing the mirror that his 'stache is doing.

This is how I dress when I go to the gym.

I think he'd look like a monkey without facial hair.

Once again. The all-time greatest.

Not That Cool

Today I am writing a list of things that you perhaps thought were cool, but are in fact not that cool.

Not that cool list:

Scrabble

instant hand sanitizer

poker chips

pet monkeys

tuna fish

red ribbon

bottle caps from sobe that say "You're kind of a big deal"

t-shirts that say "You're kind of a big deal"

Most novelty t-shirts

potpourri (I did not spell it correctly on the first try)

marfans syndrome

Lanky people

trolls

zen gardens

AT&T commercials

Verizon commercials

That annoying Elton John song that goes "I guess that's why they call it the blues..."

Writing lists

Done.

First person to respond to today's post will receive a free chair. Like this one:

This is an example of what happens when you have a pet monkey:

The Weird Mystery of Random Friends

Mysteries.

Weird Mysteries.

They happen. Here's one: So I'm scrolling through my facebook friend's list and I start to see a bunch of random names. Then I click on the names or profile pictures to see who these strange "new" friends are. Then I see the picture. Generally it involves a wedding dress, possibly some cake being stuffed into someone's mouth, and generally under their "relationship status" it says they are married to some guy with the same last name.

My theory:

These people have some taboo predilections. Marrying someone with the same last name? I mean, I won't outright call it incest, but I'm not going to say it isn't. And why on earth are we friends? I did know someone named Talika Rosen, but I DO NOT know a Talika Fairchild. Actually, come to think of it, I do not know ANY Talika. AAAAaaah! (I never know how to write that so that it comes out as a blood-curdling scream and not a refreshing sound you make when you just pop open a cold beverage).

Here's another strange discovery. While I seem to be gaining all of these "new" friends, the number of overall friends does not increase. AND...if that weren't enough, some of my "old" friends have seemingly disappeared.

My theory:

These "new" friends are probably aliens, cyborgs, or alien cyborgs who have used some voodoo magic to tap into my facebook friends list. They are probably also body snatchers and have taken my "old" friends to some weird, sketchy, alien laboratory to harness the power of their names (and consequently their souls).

Sounds reasonable.

There are never enough tow trucks.

They love each other so much.

Probably not too hard to force that cake down.

"Random guy next to groom tries to distract him with cake while he runs off with bride"

Recent Overtures of Funny

Here are some of my latest favorite demotivational posters:

I also found this hilarious letter on failblog today:

Oh, of Course.

Here are some phrases that in hindsight, may not have been necessary:

"I'm not perfect"

What? I think you are. You have never made a mistake. You a physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually flawless. They are erecting a statue of you next to the Dome of the Rock as we speak. You are so modest. Here's a video game for you:

"I don't like to lose"

That's weird. I love it. Losing is the best. It's my favorite. Winning sucks. I can't see why you don't like losing. It's so cool. Everyone loves a loser right?

"I like the smell of skunk"

Well don't we all? I mean really. Who doesn't like a good whiff of skunk? I keep one with me at all times. They make great pets. Just go to these websites: Skunksaspets, Skunk Haven or Here is the reason you're a freak.

IBM is not Smarter.

The IBM "smarter" commercials are ironically stupid. Why? Because I have never (to this point in my life anyway) met a smart energy grid, traffic light, toll system, tree, rock, or otherwise inanimate object. Yet somehow, IBM's magicians can make things with no sentient ability not just sentient, but smart.

But, I suppose that wouldn't be too hard to fathom from a magician (who used to make computers and is probably allergic to rabbits), except that they claim to make these inanimate things more than just smart, but smarter. Smarter grocery stores? Trains? Classrooms? Shipment? Smarter than what? When the one guy says "smarter water", it makes me want to buy some. Seriously. I would love water to think and be smarter. It doesn't need to be smarter than me, but smarter in general would be fine. Oh wait...there is already smart water. Sorry IBM. You missed the boat on that one.

And smarter medical records? I dunno man. I don't think that would be good. Imagine the mayhem. Not only do they have your health information on them, but they tell jokes about your health problems with witty sarcasm and sass. Or, they mess with you by showing your weight as 140 one day, then 210 the next. Or, maybe they grow legs, become "super-genius-schizophrenic-smart" and start to jump out of windows and burn themselves. Then what good are they?

What I would prefer is a smarter IBM. Or perhaps, a smarter IBM marketing strategy. Like maybe just saying: "Look man, we're IBM. We do stuff" or "IBM, the people that used to make computers, but now do mostly consultant work" or "The best part of waking up is IBM". All "smarter" alternatives that get the message across and are attractively self-depricating. That's a company I can get behind (and kick).

That Swedish lady freaks me out every time.

Tasty treats or Crazy freaks?

This is a very sensitive subject. One that should never be taken lightly. It involves tasty gummy treats.

The statement/implied question is this:

Gummy Bears or Gummy Worms?

My answer is gummy worms.

I know. I know. There are probably people out there reading this who are now pulling out their hair and rending their garments in frustration (or at least they'll want us to think it's in frustration). But c'mon people. They're better.

Yes, they are both made out of the same stuff, and yes, you can bite off heads and mutilate gummy bears with toothpicks more so than worms, but after you've had your moments (or hours....or possibly days) of demented gummy savagery you still have to eat it. And, on that count, the gummy worm wins. Why? Well, the gummy worm is bigger, longer, and more fun to throw, chew, and the texture is better, and they often come in multiple colors and multiple flavors on the same worm.

And, even if I'm not convincing you, you can still hang your hat on the fact that the same company is probably making them both. So whether you are buying gummy bears or gummy worms, you are still paying the same guys/gals/aliens.

ps - Wait? Did you say aliens? ahahahahahaha.

You people are sick.