Oh, of Course.

Here are some phrases that in hindsight, may not have been necessary:

"I'm not perfect"

What? I think you are. You have never made a mistake. You a physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually flawless. They are erecting a statue of you next to the Dome of the Rock as we speak. You are so modest. Here's a video game for you:

"I don't like to lose"

That's weird. I love it. Losing is the best. It's my favorite. Winning sucks. I can't see why you don't like losing. It's so cool. Everyone loves a loser right?

"I like the smell of skunk"

Well don't we all? I mean really. Who doesn't like a good whiff of skunk? I keep one with me at all times. They make great pets. Just go to these websites: Skunksaspets, Skunk Haven or Here is the reason you're a freak.

New Release!

Harmonix and Neversoft, the video game developing crews that brought us the wildly popular Guitar Hero series, is at it again! From Guitar Hero to Guitar Hero II to Guitar Hero III: Legends of Rock to Guitar Hero World Tour, this lesser-known game development crew has grown to a status of immeasurable fame and teen-influence. Most hard-core GH fans already know about the expansions, Guitar Hero: Aerosmith and Guitar Hero: Metallica, but what’s coming next is really going to blow people’s minds. Activision, the publisher for the Guitar Hero games, told us during a sneak-peek interview that they were looking for a way to get even more teens excited about pretending to play music.
“The little plastic guitars with colorful buttons really made the instrument seem a lot less intimidating. Now we want to take that idea to accommodate everyone—not just those who like guitar music. We want everyone to be a hero!”

That’s right, folks, it’s finally here: Didgeridoo Hero! The didgeridoo is a wind instrument of the Aborigines of northern Australia, now available in your living room and compatible with XBOX 360 and Playstation 3. Didgeridoos are traditionally made from living Eucalyptus trees, which have had their interiors hollowed out by termites, but the controllers for Didgeridoo Hero are actually just large plastic tubes with a sensor on one end to breath into. The didgeridoo is a one-note instrument, and notes vary with instruments of different length. When we asked Activision what songs we could expect to see in the game they told us the classics “Dingo” and “the Kookaburra” were sure to be there. We’re expecting this game title to be an exhale-ent time! Activision said that Didgeridoo Hero is just one of many expansions to follow up their original fake-instrument game model. Also on the docket for this next coming year are Glockenspiel and Bagpipe Hero. The main spokesperson said of this new expansion-pack explosion, “It’s almost like playing real instruments, and even more almost like being a real hero!”

Cleveland sucks

You want disdain? I’ll give you disdain. Let me tell you about tonight. There I was on my couch watching the Red Sox lose to the Twins in Minnesota, and the Celtics were playing the Cavs in Cleveland. I had to mute the games, because I had guests over, and I had to mute myself because I’m pretty loud, offensive and outright vitriolic when it comes to sports, especially when my team is tanking. So, fortunately my team tanked after the guests left. And then I let the expletives fly. It was somewhat cathartic, and perhaps it will actually bring about a win for game five, because game 4 is already gone.


So let me rail into Cleveland, Ohio and it’s surroundings. Bear in mind that I do this in anger and as a knee jerk reaction, and shortly I will feel much different. But for now let’s face the facts; Ohio is worthless. Ohio State has been able to play a useless BCS system like a dirty hoedown fiddle for the past couple of years, get to the title game and choke. And choke hard, losing by ridiculous margins to both Florida and this year to LSU. Now let’s couple that pitiful performance with the Bengals. They suck. Hard. And there isn’t much commentary necessary for them or their MLB affiliates in Cincinnati, the Reds. The Browns are mediocre. All Ohio has is the Cavs. And they lost in the finals last year. So I guess Ohio can aspire only to be perennial losers. The last decent golfer to come out of Ohio was Nicklaus. Hats off to him. Tiger is better. And, Tiger has his own Gatorade named after him.

Now let’s talk about geography. Ohio is land-locked, and lakes don’t count. It has no mountains. Those are two very important things to me. Elevation and beaches. Even Massachusetts has mountains and beaches (Conclusion: Massachusetts is better). To be honest, it’s not even close. Sure, maybe they can buy corn cheaper, and get to be a ‘swing state’ in elections, but Ohio is just a fallow lot of useless trailer trash. Not the kind of trailer trash that become Hip Hop stars like Michigan’s Eminem, but the kind that has 3 teeth and smokes 10 packs a day. I guess it puts hair on your chest, but for the ladies, that’s just wrong. Ohio, I salute your ineptitude. I hold out no hope for you. You will lose to the Celtics, and will not win a Super bowl for another 50 years, if you’re lucky. Sandusky and Sea World are the only high points (still no mountains). And I would rather be mute, deaf and dumb in California than live in Ohio.