The Weird Mystery of Random Friends

Mysteries.

Weird Mysteries.

They happen. Here's one: So I'm scrolling through my facebook friend's list and I start to see a bunch of random names. Then I click on the names or profile pictures to see who these strange "new" friends are. Then I see the picture. Generally it involves a wedding dress, possibly some cake being stuffed into someone's mouth, and generally under their "relationship status" it says they are married to some guy with the same last name.

My theory:

These people have some taboo predilections. Marrying someone with the same last name? I mean, I won't outright call it incest, but I'm not going to say it isn't. And why on earth are we friends? I did know someone named Talika Rosen, but I DO NOT know a Talika Fairchild. Actually, come to think of it, I do not know ANY Talika. AAAAaaah! (I never know how to write that so that it comes out as a blood-curdling scream and not a refreshing sound you make when you just pop open a cold beverage).

Here's another strange discovery. While I seem to be gaining all of these "new" friends, the number of overall friends does not increase. AND...if that weren't enough, some of my "old" friends have seemingly disappeared.

My theory:

These "new" friends are probably aliens, cyborgs, or alien cyborgs who have used some voodoo magic to tap into my facebook friends list. They are probably also body snatchers and have taken my "old" friends to some weird, sketchy, alien laboratory to harness the power of their names (and consequently their souls).

Sounds reasonable.

There are never enough tow trucks.

They love each other so much.

Probably not too hard to force that cake down.

"Random guy next to groom tries to distract him with cake while he runs off with bride"

An Anonymous Death

Ok. I'm all for anonymous donations to charitable causes, and anonymous gifts to deserving individuals, but to an extent anonymity freaks me out. I mean, when you meet someone, generally you exchange names. To me, it's a little bit more than just a formality, but it allows me to say, "I met, or I know him/her/it." However, at least to date, I've never gone to a dinner party and had someone introduce themselves as "anonymous." Except that one time, and it was on his name tag, and he also wore a bag on his head and claimed to be mute. But that case aside, names are good. They provide comfort, not unlike a warm fire on a winter's day, or a lock on your front door before you go to bed.

Now to the point. Online people like to protect their identity. I get that. But I would prefer a lie than someone posting as "anonymous." I mean c'mon. Posting online is fun! Imagine how much more fun it could be with a new name. Let's say you hate your name, or, perhaps dislike your parents, well guess what? Now it's your chance to stick it to them. Those of you named Ug, Chesterfield, Nubby or Adolf can fight the system! Now Ug can be Sean, Chesterfield can be William, Nubby can be Chase and Adolf can be Bobby. Think of the possibilities! Liberate yourself and post with a new name. No more will you have to sit in the back of class and mumble when your name is called! No more will you bashfully write your name in size 4 font on the nametag stickers! No more are you Ug! Say no to anonymity, and live life with the name you deserve!