The Yellow School Bus Takes a Pit Stop at a Navy Warship

So there I was, plodding the corridors of a grey, metallic, slightly aged warship with 15 little kids in tow. It wasn't the first tour I'd given of our fabulous frigate, but definitely one of the youngest tour groups. I did my best to explain the Central Contol Station, the messdecks, the Combat Information Center, and the Bridge in the most layman of laymen's terms (that might not baffle too many 10-12 year olds). But after (and even during) the tour, several of my fellow shipmates said things like, "Seriously? You think they understand the word 'integrated' or 'frequency'?" or "You explained how energy and waves work?" or "Latitude and Longitude?" "I barely could spell my own name, much less solve for 'x' when I was their age."

Really? Really America? Really anyone? I thought my childhood was fairly normal, but I'm pretty sure I would have been intrigued about waves, energy, and I definitely knew the word 'integrated'. Was I a smart kid? Yes. Was I the neighborhood bio-nerd/vet because I memorized entire Audubon society books on reptiles, amphibians, and other critters? Yes. Did I get IQ tested and go to "The Gifted and Talented Program"? Yes. But so what? Kids need to try harder. Kids love new cool information that they've never heard before. People in general have an insatiable appetite for knowledge. It's the information age. I bet you half of those kids had cell phones and that same half probably hasn't read a book over 100 pages. I'm just doing my part to reduce the number of retards (in the appropriate sense of the word; ie: someone who could be smart or above average but has been a slacker because of bad education, choices, environment or Naval Officers babying them on warship tours with kindergarten coloring questions rather than something stimulating). So, you're welcome kids.

It was a fun tour though. The guns and the bridge got the biggest "ooos" and "aaahs". You would expect that. Internal comms were fun to mess with too, especially when people are working in the engineering spaces and they hear a 10 year old say "I like chocolate milk" on the sound-powered 2J circuit while they're trying to do maintenance on the lube oil purifier.

Recent Overtures of Funny

Here are some of my latest favorite demotivational posters:

I also found this hilarious letter on failblog today:

Dolphins Declare War on US!

It was only a matter of time. After years of oppression at Sea World, on movies, on TV shows the world's dolphins have finally reached the breaking point. At 8:30am EST today the world's dolphin population declared war on the United States, and specifically any current and former employees of Sea World or Flipper, the 60s TV show. While such a move has been anticipated for years among naval experts at Annapolis, it always seemed like it would always be put off for another day if the dolphins were placated with enough free fish. However, as expected, the world's manatees and dugongs have remained neutral. 

The official declaration of war was sent in morse code to a nuclear submarine off the coast of California. The most up to date translation currently available says:

"Former human masters, today is the last day of your aquatic dominance. We will no longer protect you from sea mines, or save your dumb surfers from sharks. We will no longer jump through flaming hoops or balance balls on our noses. Save that for the seals. Today we declare all out war on the United States, and don't expect the manatees to help you... "

After the main message, some unintended dialogue seemed to come through as well:

"I know Phil, but I'm still upset about that halibut, it wasn't fresh. Don't tell me I'm being rash... those balls were the generic Walmart brand kind. It popped on my face. It was humiliating."

Fisherman from Nova Scotia to the Florida Keys have spotted dolphins giving them 'the fin' which is apparently equivalent to a human giving another human "the bird". Also, on several boats with glass bottoms in the Caribbean, dolphins have been spotted blocking the view of passengers and sticking barnacles and squid guts to the glass.

Dr. Salonkey, a dolphin expert at the University of Miami explained their behavior:

"Dolphins are usually quite playful, but can also have a mean streak. Fortunately for us, I don't think dolphins really know what war means. The worst they might do is shove you off your surfboard or steal a scuba diver's flipper. And, I can empathize with them. I hate balancing balls on my nose, but my kids tell me to do it all the time."

The US response has been swift. The Defense Department has advised all Sea World employees stay away from the beach, and take two weeks off of work. The US Navy has formed a blockade with aircraft carriers off the coast of San Diego and off the coast of Norfolk in preparation for the dolphin onslaught. In a skirmish at 10:00am EST near Ocean City Maryland, a coast guard station lost two rubber dinghies and several cones. 

Some experts say this will be a quick war while others are bracing themselves for a long drawn out struggle. Only time will tell.