Not That Cool

Today I am writing a list of things that you perhaps thought were cool, but are in fact not that cool.

Not that cool list:

Scrabble

instant hand sanitizer

poker chips

pet monkeys

tuna fish

red ribbon

bottle caps from sobe that say "You're kind of a big deal"

t-shirts that say "You're kind of a big deal"

Most novelty t-shirts

potpourri (I did not spell it correctly on the first try)

marfans syndrome

Lanky people

trolls

zen gardens

AT&T commercials

Verizon commercials

That annoying Elton John song that goes "I guess that's why they call it the blues..."

Writing lists

Done.

First person to respond to today's post will receive a free chair. Like this one:

This is an example of what happens when you have a pet monkey:

10 Ways to be Successfully Lame

Here is a list of 10 ways to be successfully lame:

1. Rake up your neighbor's leaves, put them in your yard, and then leave them there all winter.

2. Write a blog post describing 10 ways you can be successfully lame.

3. Tousle your hair with gel or wax into some random position just because you can.

4. Don't go to a friend's party because 'You don't feel like it,' or because you want to go to another party with a bunch of random people you don't know or care about.

5. Abscond with someone's forks and don't give them back for a month, and never, at any point claim responsibility even when they know it was you.

6. If you have a name other than Bill, rename yourself Bill.

7. Make a habit of smelling your feet all the time. If they smell gross, do it again.

8. Shoot down anyone's idea of fun (This includes any time anyone suggests anything that does not involve chilling).

9. Lease or buy a car way out of your price range (Preferably an import). Hock family heirlooms if possible.

10. Don't read this.

25 Reasons I will not play the '25 Things about you' game

Some of you in the blogosphere and facebook may be aware, or may have already succumbed to the temptation of playing the '25 things about you' game. It's sad. Most of those 25 things were probably things you should have kept to yourself and close friends, instead of posting them all over your blog or facebook. I refuse to make a list and tag people like so many of those ridiculously annoying email chain letters that say, "Send this email to five friends and your crush will like you, send it to 15 and your crush will love you, send it to all your friends and you and your crush will be married within the week." But, I do have the time, patience and wherewithall to post 25 reasons why I will not post 25 reasons.

1. I never do anything embarrassing.

2. When things happen to me that are cool and I share them, other people feel bad because they realize that their existence is meaningless.

3. I have eaten things I shouldn't have, and I have no regrets, but I refuse to be told that I have to have any of the eskimos removed from the shark I ate.

4. I was not fat as a child, and I'm sorry if you were. See a therapist.

5. I'm too busy doing unimportant things to read your list, so I'm not going to guilt other people into reading mine.

6. I like the same music as you, have all the same favorite foods as you, and am actually your identical twin.

7. Lists of 25 are not divisible by 3. That's unacceptable.

8. I am running out of ideas and I'm on number 8. Now imagine doing it yourself.

9. I am pretty sure most of the lists people write are chock full of exaggerations, BS, and things to make others laugh, and, I hate laughter. It's the worst.

10. If you thought stepping in dog poo was bad, think about how hard it is to clean BS off your eyeballs after reading it. 

11. Every one of the 25 things on my list would be easily made into a screenplay for a blockbuster.

12. Billy Idol told me not to make the list.

13. I like chicken (This reason is more relevant than you know).

14. In the list of contract violations in my hiring agreement for being a Teacher's Assistant, the 25 list thing is number two after sexual harassment. 

15. This '25 things about you' game is the first step into entering a social networking cult closely affiliated with worshipping dolphins and eating only halibut.

16. I like halibut too much to resist its smelly innuendos and fishy pick up lines.

17. Making lists of 25 things about yourself increases your chances of getting a brain tumor, pancreatic cancer, marfans syndrome, and the heeby jeebies by 700 percent.

18. This list is sufficiently self-indulgent. Another one would cause my implosion, and we don't need another black hole.

19. Lists usually get progressively boring as you read them (for example, see this reason)

20. I care about you enough to ask you to stop before you unnecessarily defame yourself in front of millions of people online from Singapore and China (They also use the lists to pick out who would make a better slave to kidnap).

21. Predatory Walmart greeters will stalk you if you make one of these lists.

22. You will be labeled as a spammer for the rest of your life, even if you don't like spam and have never been to Hawaii.

23. The children will cry.

24. You will never get to return to Narnia.

25. You will choke on oatmeal when no one is around and the Walmart greeters dressed in nothing but Walmart bags will put stickers all over your face.