Oh, of Course.

Here are some phrases that in hindsight, may not have been necessary:

"I'm not perfect"

What? I think you are. You have never made a mistake. You a physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually flawless. They are erecting a statue of you next to the Dome of the Rock as we speak. You are so modest. Here's a video game for you:

"I don't like to lose"

That's weird. I love it. Losing is the best. It's my favorite. Winning sucks. I can't see why you don't like losing. It's so cool. Everyone loves a loser right?

"I like the smell of skunk"

Well don't we all? I mean really. Who doesn't like a good whiff of skunk? I keep one with me at all times. They make great pets. Just go to these websites: Skunksaspets, Skunk Haven or Here is the reason you're a freak.

Chronic Smelly Feet Syndrome

What is the truth about smelly feet? Do they come from nasty bacteria and other microbial BO-ridden organisms that live in your rarely if ever unwashed shoes? Or, are smelly feet just an innate quality that makes you who you are, just as your blue eyes, or brown hair, or six fingers and webbed feet do? Either way, what should be done?

I write this as I am currently experiencing nausea by smelly feet. But while I admit that they are gross, just as they say in the Hair Club for Men commercials, "I'm not just the founder, but also a member." For me there are certain shoes that are naturally smellier. They tend to contain more leather, and are generally well-aged. Unlike wine, I have discovered that aged shoes get nastier with time. Yet, for some reason I hang on to them. That probably is because I'd feel guilty giving them to good will, and because I'll still wear them from time to time. Sick I know.

That being said, although I'd like to think I could blame smelly feet entirely on the shoes (at least for me), I also know that some people suffer from chronic smelly feet syndrome (CSFS). Upon birth, people who suffer from this illness exude foul odors from their feet. Often times they are not held as often as other newborns. They are sometimes secluded from the rest of the children and left in the attic or basement. They sometimes have a habit of being very good at video games or reading fantasy novels in which the hero is an ogre or hobbit with grotesquely inhuman feet and body odor. While this life might sound sad, they understand why it must be this way. Smelly feet are just one thing that doesn't gel with civilized democratic society. Sure, we've made huge strides with racial equality, gender equality, and civil rights in general, but when it comes to smelly feet, those who suffer from CSFS are swept under the rug (Or to use a better euphemism, they are left to tread the mire). But why?

Well naturally the mire, bogs, or dank mucky places are more suitable for smelly feet. However, even so, few cranberry bog owners want smelly footed workers. It is commonly believed that those who suffer from CSFS are even boggier and danker than the mucky places with which their feet are equated. While this is unfair, unfortunately that's life. You can take as many showers as you want, use odor eaters, or coat your feet in honey and/or turpentine, but maybe you should just give in to your feet. Your defining characteristic isn't your intellect, your looks, or your gamer skills. You are your feet. They own you.

10 Ways to be Successfully Lame

Here is a list of 10 ways to be successfully lame:

1. Rake up your neighbor's leaves, put them in your yard, and then leave them there all winter.

2. Write a blog post describing 10 ways you can be successfully lame.

3. Tousle your hair with gel or wax into some random position just because you can.

4. Don't go to a friend's party because 'You don't feel like it,' or because you want to go to another party with a bunch of random people you don't know or care about.

5. Abscond with someone's forks and don't give them back for a month, and never, at any point claim responsibility even when they know it was you.

6. If you have a name other than Bill, rename yourself Bill.

7. Make a habit of smelling your feet all the time. If they smell gross, do it again.

8. Shoot down anyone's idea of fun (This includes any time anyone suggests anything that does not involve chilling).

9. Lease or buy a car way out of your price range (Preferably an import). Hock family heirlooms if possible.

10. Don't read this.

I have a dream of using the bathroom in freedom

Generally, I try not to be too crude or dumb sounding when I write this blog, and, I hope this post is no exception. However, just now I decided to share something that might be a bit crude. I have lived off and on in a rented place for all of my college experience. There are many things I will miss about college, the places I've lived in, people I've met, etcetera. However, there are some things I will certainly not miss upon graduating from BYU and leaving rented housing. One such thing is not being able to use the bathroom because a room mate has conveniently read my mind and snuck in right before I was able to make it there. It makes no difference how badly I needed to use it. My palm reading, tarot card reading, or bathroom fortune cookie always screws me over.

On more than one occasion I have forgone my morning shower. On more than one occasion I have had to go on campus to do my business because all the bathrooms were occupied at home. On more than one occasion I have had to leave my wet bath towel on my bed in my room because the second I left the bathroom someone charged in and locked it. Bathroom freedom has almost reached mythic status in my life. It seems I can only attain it at the hours I least need it.

But I have dreams. They say everyone does. My dream is to be able to use the bathroom whenever I need to go. My dream is to be able to shower on demand. My dream is to be able to walk into the bathroom with the fresh smell of anything but what I am typically subjected to (I would settle for gasoline or mild skunk). In my dreams the bathroom is a special place. It is a sanctuary of sorts where I am king of the porcelain throne, and no one objects. My subjects are full toilet paper rolls and clean lids, and some appropriate bathroom literature. 

But for now it is but a dream.

Stop and smell the Roses

Paraphrasing T. S. Eliot, we are becoming 'distracted from distraction by distraction.'  And it is a worrying trend. All the world is a stage, and there are no players. People are much more content doing everything and nothing at the same time. Children and adults alike have no attention spans any more. Fewer people can sit and be content reading long news articles, much less novels. And this ADHD society we live in is only getting worse. It's not like people don't have the ability to focus, it's that we're being marketed to death by the masterminds of distraction.

Every new gadget, be it the iphone, flat screen HD TVs, and every new program, from leopard to random applications for PDAs are pulling us away from reality. Some may argue, and perhaps successfully, that with the technology and information age that we are becoming closer, more cohesive, and we can absorb much more information than the past.  But, many new studies are proclaiming that we are being stretched too thin psychologically.  I read this article in the London times about it.  Turns out multi-tasking, which is the expectation and the most praised thing in modern society, is bunk. When you attempt to multi-task, you do a whole bunch of things poorly, as opposed to one thing at a time well. You are not more productive, you're not saving your company money, or making things easier on yourself, your family, your friends or co-workers. It comes down to distraction.

You get tons of emails, phone calls, text messages, and talk to people daily. You try to respond as best you can, but rarely take the time needed to do something thoroughly. We are all guilty of this. Social networking sites, (as cool as they are, and as much as I use them) can degrade and submerge the quality of our social interaction, and our ability to gather and retain useful information. We become so often caught up in the storms of gossip and banter that we idle our lives away while not gaining much more than superficial pleasure and a relief from our self-induced boredom. 

Life is exciting. There are great books to read, projects that need to be done in the yard, games to be played with sons and daughters, nephews and nieces, and every task deserves its own time and a high level of attention to be done well. I have always been and avid supporter of stopping and smelling the roses, breathing in the air, getting away from the world to understand it. If we can't take the time to digest our world, we'll just keep vomiting, getting sicker and sicker until we starve. We need to know the foundations that made what we have now possible. Works of art, literature, philosophy, science, and long books, trips, and talks are all important. We shouldn't give in to the whirling, spinning, superficiality and trendiness that is fleeting. I call for us to stop and smell the roses, and maybe, buy a few, or start our own rose garden.

*****

And, on another note, I leave for Brazil tomorrow, and my friend will be taking over for the next two weeks. I do this because I practice what I preach. It's time for a break. I love you all. Ask me to bring you back something, and I'll do my best (no promises).

Picture taken from this site.